Reflections

Wondering

2011-02-11T20:02:00.000-08:00

I'm interested in what compels me to write ~ or not to write. There are times, when something or someone inspires me with their honesty and openness and just the IDEA of sharing my innermost thoughts with the world sounds appealing.

And then there are other times, when the whole idea makes me want to hurl.

I think about the closest of friends I see every day, and how most of them know ME, but do not necessarily know 'things' about me... what's churning inside the heart, mind and soul. Do I know them any better? Would they want me to? We can sit around a table and a meal and talk and laugh and even cry sometimes, with all we do and share. Thoughts and feelings ARE expressed and agreed with or argued over throughout the evening, but when we leave are we any closer to one another than we were the day before?

Most days, I would have to say yes. My friends really HAVE gotten to know me, especially over the last couple years and I appreciate them in ways I can't describe. I've opened up a great deal, and if anyone judges me, they do it gently.... quietly.... allowing me to be me. They understand somehow. As if I don't really NEED to explain or defend myself at all. They allow me to vent, analyze, choose this ~ then that. They watch me walk away and if they're thinking, 'wow, that chick is NUTS...' I will probably never know and they may even ask me over again sometime.

I've considered sharing my journal(s) with them. I've mentioned my online experiences: my writing, photography, etc.. But they really don't know the full extent of what I do here. And lately it hasn't been much.

I wonder what they would ~ and wouldn't ~ say.

But the wondering doesn't last long.

2011-01-18T19:53:00.000-08:00

I'm going to start writing again... Small steps (or rather, scrolls), and more tomorrow than today. Late night decision, but a promise I've made to myself, regardless.

That's all for now.

The Plan

2010-05-24T18:46:00.000-07:00

I've decided to go back to school.

Well, not 'back' exactly.... I never went in the first place. Graduating high school with my class in 1988 was nothing short of a miracle, and even though I was accepted at a Fine Arts college in Miami, FL (another miracle), I was sure I'd fail and disappoint my parents. I just knew that about myself back then. School wasn't my thing.

Isn't it ironic, how I ended up where I am today? Working so closely with students who would most likely say the very same thing about themselves. And at such young ages! Thankfully, we know better and know more now than they ever could have back then. I love being able to help these kids and I will miss many, MANY things about my job. But the time has come, to stop working seven days a week and stop struggling to make ends meet month after month. It'll take time, hard work and lots of self discipline. It'll mean giving up what I love because it doesn't pay the bills. It'll mean working part time instead of 45 hours a week so that I can get my degree in two years. But it will pay off ~ and we will be better off ~ in the long run.

Here's the plan:

Between fall 2010 and summer 2011, I will be taking prerequisite classes (algebra, physics and anatomy) in order to begin as a full time Associates of Science in Radiography student at a local community college in the fall of 2011. Job placement at one of our area hospitals is guaranteed upon graduating. What I'd really like, is to continue with certification in Sonography and be an ultrasound tech. That's my long term goal, but a goal, nonetheless.

I'm excited and scared and filled with hope.

And incredibly, that's just the beginning.

Well...

2010-05-03T19:31:00.000-07:00

How unusual.

I haven't written in ~ what has it been? Months? Years? Then suddenly the urge strikes and here I am. What used to be a regular part of my online experience has all but dissolved into a distant memory. Backburnered and kept. Not forgotten but unfortunately neglected at best.

I'm not going to write about why I have or haven't written ~ and to be honest, I'm not even sure myself what that's all about. Out with the old and in with the new (Facebook being the latest 'in') has never really been my style. I've thought about writing on countless occasions.... Letting ideas twist and turn and eventually ease their way out of my thoughts and into oblivion. Life is busy. Facebook is less of a process and more of a way to connect on a simpler level, rather than to share all the juicy details that make up this life o' mine. Plus, you get to play cool games and become a fan of this and that like nobody's business and why not? Beats folding laundry ~ or airing it out to dry for all to see. Heck, some do that no matter where they cyber-dwell.

So, let's see... Where did we leave off? I haven't looked back, but I sure am looking forward, so maybe that's where my focus should be from here on out (assuming there will be more to come). I had dreams which have turned into hopes and are almost certainties. I have goals which now seem more like probabilities than possibilities, if I can just believe in myself the way others believe in me. I have priorities in (hopefully) their rightful places now, even values and morals that have been questioned (mostly by me) and reexamined and readjusted because THAT'S who I am and how and why and where the hell did I go wrong? And why for so long? Serious soul searching going on here lately.... But it's all good and real and right. As life should be. Focus, michelle. F O C U S.

Family is well and good and sometimes complicated. The girls are beautiful young ladies now... When and how and why did that happen?! They make me so proud and thankful and lucky and blessed and I love them more every day.

Still here. Still there. Still, still, still... And yet, everything is moving forward. Change is in the air. It's spring, in case you haven't noticed. And we all know what that means.

I have so much to say I don't know where to begin.

(near) Clarification

2009-06-23T12:23:00.000-07:00

My last entry stirred up some concern and i apologize for not having explained myself or the reason behind such a post. Sometimes we FEEL things which are not exactly the way they are. i DO consider myself extremely blessed and know better than almost anyone that my life is full in countless ways, and it is never my intention to forget or lessen who and what makes that so.

Summer has officially begun (meaning, that my time at school is done and i am now on a bit more regular schedule, even if that regular schedule is somewhat irregular ~ which i know makes absolutely no sense at all. except to me). Most of today was spent cleaning and catching up on the endless pile of laundry and carpet cleaning (my cats are giving me a time of it, and i've just about drained my brain of ideas to keep them from ruining the pleasant fragrance of home). The skies have been unpredictable, so i've not dared to venture off to any lake or poolside chair. As a matter of fact, things are pretty gray out there at the moment.... Maybe we'll luck out and have a fantastic storm.

Things i've done lately:

Walked through a field of tall grass and spied a bunny, looking frightened yet extremely cute.

Saw a hundred fireflies in said field and cupped one in my hand before watching it fly away to join the others in mated bliss.

Took a friend who needed a pick-me-up out to lunch and said goodbye to those moving/retiring, etc...

Joined Ladies Workout Express ~ orientation today @ 5:30.

Made reservations at The Anchorage in York, Maine for 3 nights in August.

Started painting/writing again.

There's more, but nothing i feel a pressing need to share at the moment.

Emptiness

2009-06-20T22:12:00.000-07:00

Something

2009-06-10T15:41:00.000-07:00

When I discontinued the artificial sweeteners and added milk (skim) and juice (100%) back into my diet and REAL sugar in my coffee/tea , I wasn't expecting the results I've had. Zero headaches in almost three weeks. Unless you count the afternoon I had nothing but artificially sweetened iced tea in the fridge and allowed myself two tall glasses, doubting that it was really something so simple causing such horrendous aches in my head.... Regret settled in not long after.

So there's something.

Everyone needs a little something sometimes. Something to keep the mind busy with random thoughts and reasons to keep things moving in some sort of forward direction. I've been delighted to have finally figured out what was going on up there, really. The pain in my head is really gone. I can think more clearly now. FANTASTIC.

So perhaps a little added sweetness isn't always the answer.

I've been doing the Facebook thing... Finding old friends from 20 or so years ago ~ most of whom I haven't seen for an equal amount of time. It's fun, leaving little notes on each other's walls and playing absolutely POINTLESS games and quizzes just for the hell of it. There are a few folks heading this way for alumni weekend. I'll be working. And I'm thankful for that. But I also feel I'm missing out a bit. Interestingly enough (i say that a lot), I could probably meet the gang at Electra friday night after work, or join in the noontime events and meet for lunch at Salt Hill after the parade... But I won't.

Some days are better than others, aren't they? I had plans for this evening and they fell through. I was slightly irritated, but not overly surprised. It's beautiful out, and I know I should be out enjoying it. Grab a book and a cold one and head to the pool....

Now there's something.

Oh, My Aching Head...

2009-05-23T20:28:00.000-07:00

I've been dealing with chronic headache pain for about two months now. At times, an advil or two can dull or even wipe out the ache in a matter of minutes.

Then are the times when no matter what I take it's simply no use and I am quite sure I could put a hammer through my head and it would only feel better.

Thankfully, I've misplaced my hammer... Also, that such moments are fairly few and far between.

Years ago, I had a friend drive me to the ER for a headache which might have been classified as a migraine. The pain was debilitating ~ and to this day, I've never felt anything quite like it again. I could not move my head without it feeling as if there was some sort of twisted metal grinding in my brains. The doctor looked at me as if I were some sort of hypochondriac and all but told me to suck it up. I burst into tears right then and there and walked out. Needless to say, I haven't been in any big hurry to repeat that experience.

Until today, I have attributed my headaches to minor stress related issues, or perhaps a change in sleep patterns and/or pillows. I've also taken into consideration that I am always "stuffed up" and have been trying out different allergy meds to see if there's a connection. All to no avail.

I arrived at my weekend job this afternoon and my boss asked me how I was feeling (she knew of my recent illnesses and was concerned ~ couldn't ask for a better boss, to be honest). We chatted a bit and she brought up something that I hadn't even considered, and it was as if the culprit himself walked right up and slapped me upside the head.

Artificial sweeteners.

I've been dieting for a couple months. Trying a few different things and working hard to get back down to the weight I was when I'd lost the most, and hopefully continuing on from there. Interestingly enough, I realized that other than coffee and tea, I've consumed nothing BUT artificially sweetened beverages (flavored water, "tea to go", crystal light, etc...) for the past two months! Even in my coffee and tea, I've used mostly Splenda with an occasional sugar splurge here and there.

So perhaps I have an answer. Or, at the very least, another possibility. So starting now, it's 100% fruit juice and, my personal favorite of all bottled drinks ~ Diet Fuze, which is all natural.

I'm pretty sure my readership has dwindled to one or two loyal friends, but I'm wondering if anyone else has had similar experiences with headaches or side effects from artificial sweeteners. If not you (which I sincerely hope is the case), perhaps someone you know?

Will continue posting.... Again, it's been far too long.

The Final Rose ~ The Heart Gets In The Way

2009-03-02T20:20:00.000-08:00

I did something really foolish.

I had my cable turned back on.

Every so often, I'll realize how ridiculous it is to be paying the same amount to keep my electric running as it is to keep my TV going.... I've been rather content for the past few months, not to have that hefty cable bill delivered to my mailbox. Not only that, but it sure is a lot more peaceful in the house without that background noise. Noise that I'm hearing right now, as a matter of fact. Just because.

So the first show I happened to actually watch rather than just listen to had to be The Bachelor. The final rose episode, of course... When after weeks of living with all these women and dumping one or more week after week, he finally makes that fateful decision between the two women he's chosen as his final two. Heart-wrenching shit, let me tell ya...

Seriously.

I cried like a baby, and I'm not ashamed to say it. I mean I AM ashamed to say that I cried over such a sensationalistic show. However, I'm NOT ashamed to say that I cried because , well, I'm an emotional woman after all and a good cry can lead to resolving internal issues and can cleanse a soul. At least that's what I've always been told.

Interestingly enough, the man changed his mind. I mean, really. He THINKS he's chosen "the one", you know? Sure as the sky is blue, he made the right decision at the time. Then life.... Well, we all know about life and what THAT can do...

So he breaks things off with his first choice and breaks her heart much in the same way he broke the other lady's heart the first time around. And THEN, tells the other woman in front of the entire world, that he made a mistake, loves and has always loved her, and wants another chance. Of course, her feelings have never changed because, well, she had fallen in love with him as it was. And those sort of feelings don't just stop overnight. Or at all, from my experience.

So, when do we know? I mean really. People fall in and out of love every day. Following your heart one way on this day, may mean following it in an entirely different direction the next. Not even days... sometimes months or even years go by before our hearts lead us in directions and to places we'd never imagined or thought of or realized existed. When the heart gets in the way of all that we know, all that we THINK we know ~ it can shake us to the core. It can also lead to happiness beyond anything we've ever known. Exciting? Fulfilling? Terrifying? All the above. Just do it. Don't let yourself get so caught up in the have to's and the must do's, or the why's and how's. Just love. Just live. Life offers no second chances. Just follow.

Coming Around Again

2009-02-24T19:29:00.001-08:00

So here I am, almost three months since my last confession... err.. I mean, reflection... and I don't even know where to begin. I DO know, that I miss writing. I've been doing so little of it lately, be it journaling, letter writing or what have you... It's almost to the point where it feels unnatural. Which is frustrating in and of itself, because I USED to find it the most natural, easiest way to express myself. Where did that go?

Pen in hand isn't any easier, believe me. I've received several letters, cards, etc., over the past year, and those of you who haven't heard from me in return are probably wondering why you bothered at all. Lucky for me, I have beautiful friends with the kindest of hearts and know that I'm easily forgiven. Knowing that doesn't make me any less irritated with myself, though.

And so it goes...

Life, is good. My heart is damn near full and my darling little angels aren't nearly as little, angelic OR darling as they once were. But they both ARE very much maturing into wonderful, more-often-than-not well adjusted, beautiful young people...

I've taken on a second job, which has been more of a blessing than a burden, even with the added time away from my family. Weekends are a must, but the four to five hour shifts go by rather quickly and, more importantly, I've a little more income to dig into when the wolf comes a'howling.

Funny, though ~ There doesn't seem to be a whole lot to share about the past several months. My life journey continues as a whirlwind of sorts... Climbing higher than i'd ever imagined until it seems there is nothing left to dream of and no place else to land one minute, to plunging head first into circumstance and consequence the next.

We live. We love. We learn.

Till we meet again....

2008-11-26T20:11:00.000-08:00

It's been far too long since I've visited these pages. Oh, I know I always grumble about not having enough time, or having too many other things on my plate. But since when did writing become a chore, rather than a pleasure? I may not have a whole lot to say or to share, but I've almost forgotten how to simply write for myself. I miss allowing myself that freedom. That expressive outlet. But where did it go? And why? No one took it from me. In fact, some have expressed concern about why I haven't been writing, and how things have been going in my life since my last entry. I had a blog-scare a few weeks ago, when someone emailed me to say Reflections had disappeared! Oh, how I scrambled to find my beloved pages and thankfully, here it sat ~ unscathed but nearly yellowed with age and painful neglect.

Okay, so that may be a slight exaggeration, but still...

Thanksgiving is tomorrow, and the girls and I will be spending it with mom and dad. It's always a quiet and peaceful time for us. Especially now that the girls are older. Dad will be out hunting in the morning, and mom will have done all the prepping by the time we arrive. I'm bringing the dinner rolls and cranberry sauce, but mom takes pride in preparing elaborate holiday dinners, just like her mom, my nana, always did. I know better now, than to ask if I can help. I usually get asked to set the table....

So there are many things I'm thankful for, and I mentioned "blessings" in my sister journal, More Than Words. I thought I'd list a few of them here, in case I find myself forgetting in another day or two.

I'm thankful to God, for His love and guidance. For my beautiful daughters and for the joy they bring to my life. I am thankful they are healthy and happy and both doing well in school. I'm thankful for their father, who gives them more of what they WANT than I ever could, but also for his support for the things they need as well.

I'm thankful for my parents and for the strength they inspire me to find when the going gets tough. I'm thankful for their support in all I do, and for their patience as they watch their daughter continue to struggle to find her way in life, and in love.

I'm thankful for my beloved grandfather, my gramps. Who strives to make every single day count for something, no matter how difficult that day may be. I may not take the time to tell you as often as I should, but I love you.

I'm thankful for my friends. For those who are near ~ who care so much about me that I never have to worry about where to turn in times of need. And for those not so near in miles, but are as close as those I see each and every day ~ and sometimes closer.

I am thankful for the beauty of the earth and all it's creatures. For the gifts that the sky itself brings each and every day and night. For the warmth of the sun and for newly fallen snow. For the scenes and scents of every season, and for the peace that each one brings.

And I am thankful, for YOU.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Blessed

2008-09-09T21:05:00.000-07:00

I haven't much time, but wanted to update you all on my good fortune.

The ultrasound went very well. I have a cluster of cysts which, on the screen, looked mammoth in size. But they are all fluid filled and pretty harmless. Unless they become uncomfortable for me (and at times, they HAVE been ~ just not enough to be overly concerned) we will simply keep watch of them and leave them be otherwise.

I finally told the girls about what was going on. I'd kept it to myself mostly, telling only a few close friends and family members and then, of course, sharing it here with all of you. I decided it was good for them to know, and although they weren't all that appreciative for the unsolicited advice about getting to know their own bodies, they were relieved to know it had turned out to be nothing. And I was thankful they did not hold it against me for not telling them sooner.

Thank you all, for prayers, good thoughts and encouraging words. I am truly blessed.

2008-09-05T19:42:00.000-07:00

I'm not a "look at me" kind of person. I share about myself because I want YOU to share about you, and to me, friendship is about just that: sharing of life. When someone I care about is relaying information or sharing an experience, I'm not the sort of person that will say, "Yeah, but listen to what happened to ME today...". Instead, I might say something like, "I understand from a certain stand point, because I've been through something similar..." and so on and so on. Not because I think I understand what someone else is going through, because we're all different ~ but because i like to find as many ways to relate with someone as possible.

I've had a lot of support lately, from women that are somewhat close to me who have been where I am right now ~ wondering (when allowing the mind to go there), worrying, scheduling, waiting.... It's nice, really. When we're uncertain about something, we seek to understand better in some way. When I was going through the Bell's Palsy I did that. I sought others who could share with me their own experience. I researched the disorder on all sorts of sites. I found YouTube videos that those suffering through it had made as a way of reaching out and I appreciated their courage and willingness to putting the ugliness of BP aside, to help others.

I don't know why this is so hard for me to talk about. I do want to write about it, explore my feelings and my fears, as well as examine what is more likely and most probable. And yet, I hesitate. I worry, that others will think I am overreacting, or looking for attention, or revealing too much. I also don't wish to worry or upset anyone, especially those closest to me (who understand my good intentions), by having my thoughts and fears wash over onto them.

::sigh::

I have a private journal (group) that I am part of, but I've never written in it. I've tried to be a support, to those who DO choose to write. But for some reason, I want all my words to be here. So what, if I eat them someday?

I don't even know for sure when it was that I felt the lump. I just know that moments before I was to have my yearly exam in early August, I thought it might be worth mentioning.

She told me not to tell her where, and when she did the exam, she found it on her own (which she later denied, after not having passed along the appropriate information to the hospital and being questioned). Afterwards, she drew a small diagram on a piece of paper, showing where it was by darkening the area in pen (a new drawing, without the marking, was later placed in my file, making it look as though nothing was there). She said that it didn't immediately alarm her, but that she would like me to have a mammogram to "keep a watch of it" and rule anything out. So, before leaving, an appointment was made for the following Thursday.

Even though no information was passed on as it should have been, the woman performing the mammogram asked to feel my lump ~ which she did (thank God, otherwise I would have felt like a complete ass), mark it and take the appropriate number of slides which is about twice the norm for a routine mammo (which is what I was told, since this was my first one).

I was called back and asked to come in for an ultrasound (which is not uncommon for a lump) on Monday and then the following day will see a surgeon to go over the results and decide what if any action to take. I was told that I would not leave the day of the ultrasound with any questions left unanswered.

Okay, so part of me is completely freaking out, when I allow my thoughts to go there.... Which is NOT often, and probably why writing about it is a little difficult. The unimaginable, put in black and white ~ and I can't even force myself to write any further in that direction.

BUT, the better, smarter part of me says it's nothing. I have no breast cancer in my family history. I am not high risk. I feel good, physically, for the most part. It's the sort of lump that says "cyst" (yes, my lump talks to me..... lol).

So this is on my mind some lately ~ though not overwhelmingly so. I will know more by Monday afternoon and I look forward to writing again and telling you how silly I was with all my fears and anxieties. Even while I am feeling quite positive that it's all good anyway....

::exhaling::

P.S. The Bell's has improved. I now only deal with a long term affect called Synkinesis , which is when the nerves of the eye and mouth are crossed. Meaning, when I move my mouth or tighten it in any way, my eye closes. Cool, huh?

;oP

Change

2008-09-03T14:54:00.000-07:00

The changing of a season always brings about a certain degree of thoughtfulness and reflection for me. I am not always comfortable with change, because it often means that something must inevitably end in order for something to begin anew.

But there are times, when change is a blessing. And I'm also learning, that there ARE those rare occasions when something doesn't necessarily have to end, but instead, develops into something even more meaningful than we had anticipated or even dared hope.

The summer months brought many challenges. But with the help of family and friends, I have faced those challenges head on and seen what the strength of love can do. I have many to thank, and some of you are at the top of that list and hopefully, know who you are.

The weather in NH has been absolutely perfect for days upon days. A new school year has begun, and I adore my class and look forward to all that lies ahead in the next few months. My daughters have begun their own school year with a great amount of enthusiasm, and that my oldest is now a freshman in high school simply blows my mind. I am surrounded by people who love me and care for me and want the best for me. What a feeling.....

But, there is something, that I've been struggling over whether or not to share for a while now. I have been writing in this journal for over three years, and have shared many ups and downs and found strength and kindness and understanding in the hearts of many. There are times, though, when I do settle into a quieter world. I hate the thought of someone judging me, for what I write or choose to share ~ but then, this is my journal, and I've always been driven to write for and about myself, with the hope that others might also relate, and I have found this to be the case on more than one occasion. Most of the time, I wear my heart on my sleeve, only to whip it away from public view without a second to spare for reasons I cannot quite explain.

I love to write. It's no secret. It's therapeutic and helpful (to me) on many levels and for many different reasons, depending on the situation.

And so here I go, beating around the bush again....

I am facing a bit of fear.

A woman knows. When something isn't right... Whether bodily or mentally, that basic human instinct kicks right the heck in. While I cannot say for sure, if it is something serious or not, I will confide in you all that my heart tells me it isn't. But I am not hesitating in the least, to make sure that what needs to be done is DONE ~ and done right. It's hard to wait. It's hard not really "knowing".

I want to write about this because like I said, it's my journal and this is something that I am going through right now and would like to have some place of reference to look back on later, just as I do with my older entries that revolve around the other events that have molded and continue to shape my life.

I will have to elaborate further, in a future entry, because my time online is limited these days, and I have to scurry on out the door in a few minutes. But what I want to say, more than anything else right now, is how happy I've become and how much more I appreciate things lately. Let me also say, that as this point, NOTHING IS WRONG, and it's simply waiting for the confirmation day to come.

I made my journal private, for a time, and some of you noticed and responded with concern, and for that I am truly grateful. For those of you who quietly respected my decision and kept me in your thoughts, I am as equally indebted. It's good to be back. My heart is in these pages. There is no need to hide from anyone ~ especially myself. Thank you, friends.

And Love knows no boundaries.

Welcome, gentle autumn.

Open Up and Say, "Ahhhh...."

2008-08-09T21:23:00.000-07:00

There simply aren't words to express my appreciation and gratitude for the many gifts in my life. Gifts which include friends both near and far, who are there for me and offer words of support and a shoulder to lean (or cry) on when times are (or seem) tough. I know that my previous post gave at least one or two of you reason to question our closeness and/or your place in my heart, and for that I deeply apologize. It was never my intention to place blame or hurt on anyone, but to simply share a moment of disorderly thinking and internal suffocation that I happened to have awakened upon without warning.

I value each and every person who has touched and continues to touch my life, as well as savor the memories of those who have come and gone. While I never wish anyone to feel as if they are alone in the world even for a moment, it was also somewhat calming to read comments that were left by those who could relate to how I was feeling in some way. Yes, we all have those days, when we have to carry ourselves through with a smile ~ no matter how we may be feeling on the inside. Let's face it, we all feel just a little empty sometimes. Even when we know ~ if we really take a moment and think ~ that each and every one of us is blessed in ways we forget to be thankful for, when faced with even the smallest of circumstantial difficulty.

A reader and friend (who deserves a tight hug) emailed me and offered the idea that perhaps if I opened myself up to others a little more, I might find acceptance and understanding where I least expect it ~ particularly by those who truly count. It reminded me of the saying (and Maria, this one's for you): "those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter". There are many facets to my personality. Many unresolved issues, complications and contradictions in my life. Those of you who have followed my journal and have come to know me through my words KNOW how moody and puzzled I can be at times. One dear friend even went so far as to call me "mysterious" and is probably still wondering where I've been hiding myself.

I still feel that writing is a very therapeutic and cleansing way to express oneself, and we all have different reasons and ways of doing it. I judge NO ONE, for what they write, how they write or why. And how lucky am I, to have such thoughtful and supportive people along for the ride, to share my own personal and sometimes cloudy journey through life with? Extremely.

Thank you.

(coming soon: Job, family, Bell's, creative muse and LIFE update, while I work on that opening myself up thing... ::smiles::)

2008-08-07T09:34:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wake up and wonder if there isn't a single person in my life who truly knows me. Someone who knows how I feel at all times and is still there when I turn around, despite how I feel inside. Anyone at all, who I don't have to pretend to feel or be something or someone that I'm not, for.

It's a lonely place, to suddenly realize that there isn't.

2008-08-04T11:46:00.000-07:00

(note: the subject matter in the following words may be difficult depending on your personal experiences and/or beliefs. i hope i don't offended anyone)

I think it was my senior year in high school, when I took a class called Death and Dying ~ or something sounding morbidly similar. It was one of those Human Relations classes, that bridged the various cliques and personalities together in a way no other class could. I remember certain classmates, who I never would have made contact with outside of the classroom due to differences that today of course, seem (and probably are) irrelevant. Many times, the majority of us would walk out of that room a little more sensitive and empathetic to each other than we were when we arrived.

I recall one class in particular ~ one that pertained to the whole grieving process, that struck a chord in me which still chimes now and again some twenty years later.

Tears stung many eyes that day, as many of us had already experienced such a loss in one way or another, but it was also uplifting in a sense, and that is what I'm thinking about today.

I can still picture our teacher, Mr. Wood, standing in front of the class and demonstrating how the body is like a glove for the soul (of course, this was his own personal take on the matter, and I have to wonder if such a display would be considered inappropriate today).

Holding out one hand (the soul), he placed the other over it (the body) and stated simply that, when we die, our body "slips off like a glove" and our soul is then free. A simple idea, but where I went with it in the afterglow has been and is still very meaningful to me.

Our physical being is a magnificent thing. We are all different and our bodies don't always look, work or feel the way we would like them to. Young or old, there are many who struggle physically in one way or another and that can have a pretty profound and lasting effect on who we are and how we feel on the inside. Our bodies may delight, deceive, burden or strengthen us to an astounding degree, depending on circumstances within or beyond our control. If we are lucky, in most instances those we are in physical contact with treat us kindly and lovingly ~ or, at the very least, respectfully. But sometimes, it's when our souls are deeply touched that we feel it the most, and I'm starting to wonder if that isn't what it's all about in the first place. Our time on earth is so very brief, in the grand scheme of things, and sometimes, that thought scares the hell out of me and keeps me up at night.

Other times, it thrills me to no end.

So, friendly readers, may your souls be touched and well guarded in countless ways for many, many years to come, and your gloves be worn with beauty and grace.

That's all for now..... ;o)

With Striking Contradiction

2008-07-27T13:03:00.000-07:00

The storms in NH seem to get progressively worse year after year. This past Thursday, a tornado ripped through parts of the state leaving 11 towns in a state of emergency, one person dead and dozens injured. One town that was affected, Ossipee, is a mere five minutes from my grampa's house. When we called to see if he was okay, we found him sitting on his breeze way drinking tea and watching the storm pass by. His thoughts are, that at 92 years old, if his house goes ~ he's going with it.

But thank God, he was fine as was his little old house in Union, NH.

I wrote of spring in my previous entry, because I had started the painting that accompanied it at that time, and it still seemed fitting. I wrote the poem this morning, as another storm passed by and the sun began to peek out from behind the dark clouds. One thing you can never quite count on in NH is nature's consistency!

Things have been incredibly busy and I've unintentionally neglected many journal friends over the past few weeks. As it so happens, I'm between chores at the moment and have to head out in about two. I will try to visit you all in the days to come. I have a new job that I'll be starting tomorrow, one that will enable me to keep my job at school and still continue working there part time on the weekends throughout the year.

Hope all is well with each and every one of you. And that many happy summer memories are being made.

Spring Serenade

2008-07-27T08:36:00.000-07:00

In the sacred hush

of early morning dew

when spring serenades her

earthly realm

and butterflies dance on

angel colored wings

a heart opens

like delicate tulip petals

warmed moment by

precious moment

in sun's everlasting love

chelle 2008

Colorful Calm

2008-07-14T17:16:00.000-07:00

Just as the rainbow promises Hope after the rain, so does a garden in bloom. If you'd like to see mine, please click on the smilebox creation below. My images seem to be too large, and some of the petals are cut off, but so be it.... :o/

AOL won't let me post albums any longer ~ Something to do with my browser. I'm assuming it's the change in computers and nothing else. No, I haven't gotten a new one and most likely won't be getting one for a while. For now, I'm content (grateful, really) for the use of my daughter's.

Speaking of my daughter.... Thank you, for the kind and supportive words I received after my previous rant.... uh, post. Of course, things settled down and improved greatly as that particular evening went on. Just recently, she pointed out that she tells me things her friends would NEVER tell their parents. THAT, my dear friends, is good to know.

I also have another vehicle now, so the problem is mostly just financial at this point. I have two catering jobs coming up and another possibility or two in the making, so for now, I'm doing okay.

Life is good. I've been enjoying it lately, which is a plus. Let's hope it stays that way.

Hope you enjoy the photos ~

Make a Smilebox slideshow

To Top It All Off....

2008-07-11T18:39:00.000-07:00

"So, are you going to have a car tomorrow, or what? 'Cuz H. wants me to come over, and I need a new charger for my cell phone since you ran over it with the vacuum cleaner, and we want to do something else, and ....."

Somebody stop me......

This, at the end of a day I've been struggling to ignore.

I guess it's too much to ask, that my teenager be appreciative of all that I've done for her this week. The money I spent getting the paint she wanted for her room (even though technically we're not allowed to paint the walls here) and the time I took to help her finish it. The camp-out I planned for us (more money), with all the fixin's for a night under the stars. The one we are supposed to be at right now, but aren't because after packing the car all up this morning, it died again. This, after spending half of what remains of my summer funds to have it fixed just days ago. This, after spending the day trying to think of something to do to make up for it. THIS, just moments after coming in the door from walking 3 miles to and from Dairy Twirl so her little sister could have an ice cream cone (and don't think for a minute I didn't have one myself!). Not to mention everything else that's gone wrong this week.

I'm just plain pissed off ~ and I rarely write when I'm pissed off. Shocking, I know.

She's in her room sulking now, because I asked her to get up off the couch (for the first time today) and pick things up a bit. She's been sleeping in the living room since we finished painting, not wanting to over-exert herself and get it done with.

I AM the meanest mother in the world, you know.

I understand she's disappointed about a lot of things right now. So am I. The difference is, I'm finally allowing it to show. Consider the rules broken.

Thank you, I feel much better now.

::sigh::

Acceptance

2008-07-08T10:36:00.000-07:00

When our hearts are willing and able to accept what is and what is not, there is a feeling of Peace that transcends even Hope. I've always believed that without Hope, all is lost ~ but what I'm finding is that Acceptance is much more essential to a healthy outlook on life ~ among other things.

Of course, we all have hopes and dreams and goals. We MUST! Each one gives meaning and purpose and color to our own personal journey through time. One should never be without them.

But sometimes our hopes are not answered. Our dreams are not meant to be. Our goals are not reached. That doesn't necessarily mean that we have failed, but simply that Someone has other plans.

I am learning to derive a great amount of comfort from that. Notice I've said "am learning" and not "have learned". It's a process, really. One that works and sometimes not so much. I was inspired by comments left in my previous post, to share these thoughts. Yes, most of the time, my priorities are in order and my outlook is as it should be ~ Acceptance has a great deal to do with that...

That, and summer breezes.

Summer Breezes

2008-07-06T18:06:00.000-07:00

Summer is always filled with adventure of some kind. I always start out by thinking of it as my "down" time. My "me" time. A (paid) break away from the classroom. A time for my kids to take a long trip away with their dad (already home, safe and sound). Time for a bit of leisure and time for my hobbies. Maybe a few days here and there, just hangin' by the water, soaking in the sun....

::cough::

As it turns out, summer has been and will continue to be an adventure all right ~ and a costly one.

First my desktop pc crashed and burned. I've decided NOT to pay the $800 to get it fixed, but instead have my hard drive copied onto disk for $99. As much as they can fit onto it for that price, anyway...

Then my car broke down. I found out Friday that it will cost about $1,200 to have it fixed. I've looked into trading it in, but I still owe so much on it that it makes no sense to even consider doing that for more than five minutes. I've had to cancel my trip to Maine with the girls and drain my savings account to a meager existence. .

THEN my camera started acting up again ~ just in time for the 4th of July, of course. I was so excited (and READY, dammit!) to attempt some half way decent fireworks shots, then I find those same distorted zig zaggy lines I started seeing a couple months ago (they were gone again yesterday, btw... ::sigh::).

So what might seem like a rant to most of you reading this, is actually more of a thing. Just a "thing" I'm going through ~ making life a little more challenging in some ways right now.

But what I really want to share is how little any of this really matters. Not only is there a flip side to each of these situations, there is also something much more powerful and extraordinary than any financial pitfall I have fillingmy plate.

My girls are happy. I am happy. We are all healthy. Thankful by day and comfortable by night as we sleep. I'm finding new and creative ways to (hopefully) earn more money. I feel the warmth of love and the fulfillment of peace in all that I do and all that I face each and every day because of the presence of family and friends and loved ones by my side.

Summer breezes ~ take me away.

Enjoy yours, if you are able.

Peace,

Chelle

Basic Instincts

2008-06-30T19:49:00.000-07:00

"The active part of man consists of powerful instincts, some of which are gentle and continuous; others violent and short; some baser, some nobler, and all necessary."

Francis W. Newman

'Tis true, what they say... Our instincts are better followed than ignored. But honestly, how many of you actually DO?

I've been thinking lately, about my own instinctive abilities and inabilities. Therefore, I am second guessing myself left and right ~ thoroughly frustrating myself to the point of exhaustion. Looking back ~ and I'm talking YEARS, I consider all the crossroads I have come to and ponder my actions and choices based on instinct alone. That's not at all to say that I have followed my inner voice on every occasion, because more often than not, I chose to do the opposite of what my instincts were telling me ~ and got myself in a heap of trouble. Maybe not at that exact moment in time, mind you, but at some point soon thereafter.

Like the fact that most recently, I KNEW my car would break down again... And it did.

My instincts HAVE gotten better over the years. That is, while I continue to fail miserably at following them, I can honestly look back and see HOW strong those instincts were at the time, and how badly things turned out, by my having NOT followed them.

I think about the day I became engaged and then of course, the wedding itself... And the lingering doubt that crept it's way into my thoughts at the most INOPPORTUNE times (so i thought)...

I think about events that shattered innocence and hearts. Events that, to this day, I continue to believe ~ had I followed my instincts, never would have happened.

Part of trusting your own instinct is having the very courage to do so. Oftentimes, what we feel deep down is the truth, may in fact be what hurts the most. It may be what brings us to our knees in the darkest hours of night. Who wants to come face to face with that kind of pain?

But what if knowing and feeling and enduring brings us to that beautiful somewhere we thought we'd never go? Isn't that what instinct IS? Our gut ~ or our God, if I may, leading us into greener pastures and brighter tomorrows?

And does basic human instinct originate in the heart ~ or the mind? Someplace else then? What if our hearts and minds tell us two completely different things ~ each one bringing very different results? What then?

I will more than likely contemplate this forever...

May your instincts guide you well in all you do...

Summer's Bloom ~ a video

2008-06-27T08:49:00.000-07:00

Summer has officially begun, and I've had a lot more time to experiment and redevelop my creativity lately, which is a nice distraction from some of the heavier issues weighing on my mind.

The video above is my first attempt at creating a slideshow using my photos AND putting it to music AND posting it on YouTube. I've had a YT account for quite some time, but have never done anything with it till now. The video ends abruptly and the song is cut short ~ I'm just glad I managed to figure out how to do it. Of course now, I have the perfect song in mind that would fit right in with the time frame.... "LittleTooLate" is my middle name, don'tcha know.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy it, for what it's worth. The photos themselves seem blurrier than they do on the computer. My desktop hard drive holds every digital photo I've ever taken, and is currently in the hands of the Geek Squad at Best Buy, so it's been theraputic to do something with the only photos I currently have on this PC.

Happy Summer!

Reflections ~ Magic Smoke Style

2008-06-19T21:54:00.000-07:00

(as written in Magic Smoke)

"And the day came when the risk [it took] to remain tight in the bud

Was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." Anais Nin

Greetings, fellow journalists ~ And a warm welcome to all those passing through

Please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Michelle, and I've been sharing my thoughts, feelings and fateful journey in the pages of my journal, Reflections, for over three years now. What began as simple documentary of my daily activities turned into something I never would have imagined ~ a beautiful, fulfilling and delightful way of reaching out and searching within. Reflections has been and continues to be so many things to me: A place to vent. A quiet retreat. A connection to the world. A place where friends always know they are welcome to visit and share a smile ~ or offer a shoulder. It has become a celebration of the moments I have captured through my camera's lens. There are times when I reflect quietly ~ even silently, as a picture paints a thousand words, or a poem finds my heart when my own words elude me.

More importantly, I've been incredibly fortunate to have stumbled upon some wonderful journals that have brought some very special people into my life. Many of them have been mentioned on these pages before, and I would gladly add them (and countless others) to my personal list of "must read's". What I would like to do today however, is highlight a few journals that are relatively new additions to that list. And if you haven't yet already, I'd like to suggest you pay them a visit sometime as well. You won't be disappointed.

VagabondJourneys "Ambling through a forest of ideas, influences, events, art and people I have known, trying to define in some positive way a difficult and troubled life, with honesty, humility and humor. No rituals, no rules, no summations." A thoughtful man with clever with words and inspiring thoughts and ideas, DB has become someone I am honored to call "friend".

Porchswingpoet "my journey through time......" Rarely do I find a journal that reaches deep inside and touches me as instantly as this one. Your heart needs a little understanding? Go here.

Rosarium "Mindscapes, rants, deep philosophical reflections...Well, okay, let's just say rants and leave it at that. Man, you're fussy!" Honestly, you won't want to fuss after reading some of these stories. I have been deeply moved here as well. Especially by the "Thankfulness" entries.

ChosenWords "... mostly about poetry, sometimes art." This is a brand new one for me, too... But with each new visit, I am always left looking forward to the next one.

Iwasthinking... ~ "Each new day is a blank page in the diary of your life. The secret of success is in turning that diary into the best story you possibly can." ~ Douglas Pagels Memories, thoughts and personal reflection ~ a journey ~ honestly and thoughtfully shared with the world. You'll find yourself wanting to ride along.

Thank you for allowing me the opportunity and honor of being this week's Guest Editor! Happy reading ~ and writing!

Peace,

Chelle

Tags: Guest Editor, Magic Smoke, Journal Links

Tags:

Up, Up and Away.....

2008-06-17T17:53:00.000-07:00

The above photos were taken Friday evening at the Quechee Balloon Festival in Vermont. The NEPE (New England Photo Expedition) group had a Meetup planned for the entire weekend, but I was only able to spend a few hours ~ thankfully, a few GOOD hours!

If you've never been to a hot air balloon festival, I would like to suggest that you search for one in your area to attend. There is nothing quite like observing and experiencing such a magical event... As soon as the balloons begin to inflate with their hot air ~ one by one until there are too many to count, it's like being a kid in a candy store.

However, I must admit, I couldn't imagine actually riding in one... I have a fear of heights that puts my kids into fits of laughter at any carnival. It's gotten better over the past couple years ~ as I've found the inner strength to settle my self and my heart as needed, to will a friend across the edge of a bridge for a photo op, or to accompany my kids on a high gondola ride. But inside, I am absolutely fluttering. I find it interesting, that even with such inexplicable fears, my most enjoyable dreams are those in which I am flying...

Thank you friends, who have decorated my life in countless ways and have given me wings to fly.

Saint Gaudens National Historic Site

2008-06-16T20:36:00.000-07:00

Our class recently took our annual field trip to St. Gaudens National Park in Meriden, NH. We spent time in and around the gardens and home of artist/sculptor Augustus St. Gaudens. We visited a sculptor in residence as well as a museum of St. Gaudens' work. We also explored the grounds, ate a picnic lunch and hiked a trail through the woods (my favorite part).

View of Mount Ascutney from the porch (see below)

One of many beautiful spots

This angel seemed to be craving a burst of sunlight, so I gave her one.... ::smile::

Things are finally beginning to settle down here, as the end of this school year quickly approaches. The students, however, are far from settled, as they anxiously await the first day of summer vacation. Today was step up day, and we welcomed 17 new, energetic students into our classroom for introductions and activities.

My own "little" ones are also finding it hard to sit still. They have some fun of their own planned for the summer months, and we are all looking forward to having a bit of time off. I know I'll enjoy having more time to enjoy reading journals and hopefully writing a little more myself. Still, the lazy days of summer will be hardly that ~ I'll be working part time, for the same catering business I worked for last year (put in almost 14 hours on Saturday alone!), and the "off" time will be well spent and celebrated in every which way.

Nothing new with regards to my PC troubles. I'm having a difficult time trusting programs that offer to remove the bug(s) from my system. I was finally able to get online for the first time in days (on that computer at least... Thank goodness my daughter is willing to share!) and tried a few things to no avail. ::sigh::

Thank you to all who offered support and words of advice. As always, your comments, emails and friendships are very much appreciated!

Tags: Saint Gaudens National Historic Site, Pesky bugs

Beware: Munching CYBERBUGS!

2008-06-09T19:29:00.000-07:00

We've been invaded.....

MalwareProtector is a program that has just recently been launched (or so I've read ~ maybe you've all heard of this to some degree...) into cyberspace and is infecting computers at an astoundingly high rate of speed.

Mine's one of them.

At this very moment, as I type away at the notebook PC, large, disgusting black bugs (literally) are crawling all over my desktop computer screen, eating away at my files. A tad bit disconcerting, to say the very least... A swift swipe of the mouse temporarily exterminates the little buggers, but soon thereafter, not one, not two but countless hungry critters return to dine upon my precious electronic world.

The program flashes a warning that your computer has been infected and insists that in order to fix it, you will need to purchase Malware Protector for 50 smackeroos (don't waste this week's gas money, people....). If you click on the link provided up above, you'll see that this is in fact a SCAM, to steal your money and perhaps destroy what's LEFT of your computer and all the files you've meticulously created and organized since the very first day you logged on.

I've downloaded the software needed to remove the program to no avail. I just thought I'd put the warning out there to anyone else who may be experimenting the same technical glitch in their system. There ARE ways of exterminating the little buggers for good ~ I just haven't found them yet. When i DO, I'll be sure to let you know....

This is what your computer screen will look like when you've been infested:

Luck be with you.

More From The Clouds...

2008-05-31T11:54:00.000-07:00

Per request, I've decided to share a few more photos from the New England Photo Expeditions Meetup trip to Castle in the Clouds.

Thank you to Gina from Gina'sSpace, for thinking my photos worthy of sharing ~ and for telling me so.

Castle in the Clouds

2008-05-27T13:32:00.000-07:00

Betty from My Day, My Interests Photo Blog and I are part of an online photo club called New England Photo Expeditions. It's a group made up of over 200 members (some more active than others) and once or twice a month the group organizer plans a meetup place and time. This month, one of the meetups was at Castle in the Clouds in Moultonburough, NH.

So Betty and I decided to join in and meet up with the group as well as each other for the first time! We had a really nice time (with the acception of the restaurant service, which was atrocious!) and took loads of pictures. I'd never before tried to photograph a waterfall (and my camera just cannot capture one as nicely as I'd like), but this was by far my favorite photo moment of the trip. The scenic views from the castle were magnificent, but there's just something about being in the woods that appeals to me like nothing else.

Of course, meeting Betty and her husband Bob was the biggest highlight of the day. To me, it felt as if we were old friends meeting up again after some time apart. The group itself was also very welcoming and friendly, and I'm looking forward to the upcoming meetups currently scheduled on the calender.

View from the castle grounds:

J

2008-05-22T20:31:00.000-07:00

There were many children, all living together in one room with one adult. One room. Only the lucky ones were fortunate enough to snag a mattress, tattered and torn. The others gathered around and spread themselves out on the floor for the night..... Night after night.

When the adults in the orphanage would fight, the children, scared and alone, would run and hide and lock themselves in one of the rooms till it was over. More often than not, a fight would end in bloodshed.

And there was no water... In temperatures often reaching over 100 degrees, they would bathe and drink from the polluted river nearby. This lead to disease and malnutrition. The children were fed twice daily, if they were lucky. Oftentimes, they would go a day ~ maybe two, without any food at all.

There were no toys. No television. Only music, and when permitted, the children would dance all through the night. They played soccer, using whatever they could find to use as a ball. Sometimes even a real one! But mostly, they would run... They would run and run, morning till night when there was no school, chasing each other around the dirt roads and dry lands till they could run no more.

And they would walk.... For a while, his daily journey to school took an hour one way. If he was late (and he admits, with a sly grin, that he often was), the doors were closed and he would have to walk all the way back home.

One small voices asks, "Did you ever get sick from drinking the polluted water?"

"Oh, yes...." He answers... "Before my mom and dad came to adopt me, I wasvery, very sick and almost dying......They saved me."

Unexpected tears filled my eyes and I had to turn away. I have never felt so much love for a student, or for someone else's child. On the first day of school, this little one proudly walked into the room (I met him at the door and knew immediately who he was) with the biggest, brightest smile you could ever imagine, and within a moment, he held my heart.

This year has not been easy for J. His frustrations with learning the English language and his struggle to belong in a foreign world nothing at all like his own overwhelms him daily. He's made friends, but he becomes very angry and takes it out on them, and on us. He often refuses to work and calls everything and everyone "stupid".

He is a mathematician, when he puts his mind to it. He has gone from being a beginning first grade reader to a beginning third grade reader in a matter of months. His English is as good as any other child's. His wide smile still lights up a room, and when he isn't putting himself and his efforts down, he is very, very proud.

And so am I. I'm proud of you, J. I've learned more from you than you will ever know. You will go far, and I will celebrate for you, simply knowing....

I will miss you, but I will NEVER forget you.

Coincidence

2008-05-20T13:26:00.000-07:00

I've been reading, "Change of Heart", the newest Jodi Picoult book (avid readers take note: this book may keep you up at night..) and while I'm now finally nearing the end (I like to read slowly, taking characters to heart and memory), I came across something earlier on that I thought was interesting enough to share.

I know there's something in journals that goes around once in a while ~ a meme of sorts, asking us to grab the book we are currently reading, flip through to page 123 and record the first, second and third sentence in paragraph three. I dunno... just 'cuz....

So when I reached page 123, I couldn't help but read with mild curiosity, the words found there:

"one two three, one two three. There was a rhythm to fly-fishing, like a ballroom dance. I waited until we had both unspooled the long tongue of line over the lake, until the flies that my grandfather laboriously tied in his basement had tightly come to rest on the surface."

Just coincidence... 1,2,3... No big deal, but kinda cool.

Because who DOESN'T think about all the coincidences in their own life ~ and the "not coincidences"? I've always been a firm believer in the notion that everything happens for a reason. Of course, there are many problems in the world that make me question that as well: Natural disasters, child abuse, disease, addiction, loss... quite a substantial list of things that makes anyone of us shudder to think about.

Not believing in coincidence makes me nuts, really. I am CONSTANTLY searching for reasons and answers. Very rarely, do I just simply let things be ~ just because they ARE. I need to be fully engrossed in something, not to let my mind wander to the how's and why's.

I am so ready for summer.

Pow WOW!

2008-05-11T20:33:00.000-07:00

It isn't often, that I venture out on my own for an afternoon. I find it ironic, that I would choose Mother's Day to "take off" so to speak, when it's usually my children's activities that make up the majority of my free time. And rightly so, I might add. My daughters are and have always been the highlight of my life.

But lately, I've been considering the possibility that I might have interests of my own to explore as well.

So I allowed myself that privilege today and went to the pow wow on my own. It was very interesting, colorful and enlightening. I sat alone, enjoying the festivities and the traditional Native American dancing, ate lunch alone (no buffalo tacos this year, thank you... :o) ) and walked among the crowd of people, fighting the urge not to spend all my money!

I took lots of photos, and even though the sun was bright (I'm thankful for that) and I had to zoom in from afar to capture most of my images, I found a colorful few that I am happy with:

I do believe I'm going to try to do this sort of thing more often. "Get a life" as the kids would say. I not only enjoyed the pow wow, but also walked all around campus and down Main Street. I spent some time in the Dartmouth Bookstore and even struck up conversation with strangers! Somebody STOP ME! hehehe...

Our custodian at school is an avid outdoorsman and hiker. We've been talking, and I've decided that I shouldn't let my fear of being alone stop me from doing the things that I enjoy ~ even if it means I must enjoy them sans partner. He's given me a couple of books on area hikes and trails. I DO hope, that my girls will join me on these adventures, but if they decide they're not interested, I will not let that decision persuade me one way or the other. There are groups in the upper valley that take hiking trips as well, and I haven't ruled out that possibility either. I'd like to start fishing again, and someday, I might even buy myself a little fishing boat!

There are simpler things, of course, to do on my own... Go to a movie, visit a museum, see a play, etc... And of course, the anytime, anywhere activities that I enjoy, like drawing, painting and reading. The bottom line is, I need to start living my life again and stop letting my "aloneness" get the best of me. Don't get me wrong ~ I'm happier now than I was a year ago in many ways. But I've been letting the overall picture get me down.

It's time to snap out of it.

I hope everyone enjoyed a peaceful, relaxing Sunday!

2008-05-11T09:45:00.000-07:00

I apologize for having so little to say or share lately. My creative muse is currently on Sabbatical, and the need to share the scattered pieces of my life has been less apparent. Unfortunately, that has kept me away from other journals as well, and I haven't always been commenting the way i'd like. To friends who are reading this: please know I have thought of you.

Here's wishing every mother and child a Happy Mother's Day... I'll be heading out soon to enjoy the Pow Wow festivities on the green at Dartmouth college. My children are not interested in going ~ they're doing their own thing. (Might have something to do with the buffalo tacos they ate the last time we went....) I, for one, am eager to do something that I am interested in today. All I've been doing for the past two hours is housework. Fun Fun.

Community Challenge•Landscapes in Black & White•JUDGED

2008-04-28T19:40:00.000-07:00

JUDGED Category

Take a Landscape photo in B & W or transform a photo into B & W. You can sepia tone the image, frame it, but keep in mind when framing, not to take
away from the image.

Quechee, Vermont

A Day in the Park

2008-04-21T16:55:00.000-07:00

Elizabeth Park Rose Garden

Hartford, CT Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Thank you Nancy, for a day filled with warmth, smiles and FUN!! Oh, and let's not forget PHOTOS!! I will never forget the times we've shared ~ the laughter, the tears (FROM THE LAUGHTER!), the stories told and the nature enjoyed. Thank you, for being such a dear friend.

(Please feel free to rummage through the photos in the album above.)

Continuation

2008-04-11T20:49:00.000-07:00

2. WHAT ARE 5 THINGS ON MY TO-DO LIST TODAY

Taking into consideration that the day will soon be over, I'll share five things that I DID do today:

~ Woke up

~ Made coffee

~ Attended an all day workshop on teaching social skills to students with autism and using video modeling to demonstrate appropriate social interactions and behaviors.

~ Ate dinner

~ Enjoyed a nice phone conversation with a friend.

3. SNACKS I ENJOY

Crackers and extra sharp cheddar cheese, salsa and chips, fruit salad

4. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WERE A BILLIONAIRE?

You know, I honestly try not to let my mind wander down this fantasy very often, because I always try to be content with what I DO have. But......

In my dreams, I would buy or build a beautiful but modest home near some body of water ~ preferably a lake. I would own a small boat ~ nothing too intimidating or difficult to maneuver or travel with. I would put money aside for my children's future. The bills would be paid. I'd own my car(okay, so I'd PROBABLY buy a new one....). Take a dream vacation say, like.... once a year? Wow.... now that I think about it.... I would love to have an art studio, music/recording studio, and hey, while we're at it, why not throw in a hot tub? Massage once a week.... omg.. somebody stop me!! ;o)

5. BAD HABITS

Tilting my head while engaged in conversation or listening to a presentation of some sort ~ I always feel like it makes me look dingy.

Forgetting to take my thyroid medicine.

6. 5 PLACES I HAVE LIVED

NH, MA, NH, NH, NH.....

7. 5 JOBS I'VE HAD (I know I've answered this one before)

Live in nanny for three children

Immediate Care Admissions

Waitress

Singer

Special Education Aide

5 PEOPLE I WANT TO KNOW ABOUT:

ANYONE who wants to play along!

Reposting part one ~ please disregard!

2008-04-11T19:34:00.000-07:00

(trying to delete previous entry and repost to eliminate irritating wideness of my journal!!)

I've been gently nudged by this person, politely prodded by that person and now, most tactfully tagged by our friend, Greg, to take part in one of the many meme's floating around in Jland lately. I haven't posted (written) anything incredibly substantial for a while, but this one is somewhat simple and easy ~ and I tend to gravitate towards simple and easy lately.

Note: Unfortunately, my computer is acting up and I lost my entry again, so I'm going to answer question one and go to bed. I have a long drive tomorrow to attend an all day workshop focusing on Autism. I'll post more at another time.

So here goes:

Rules

1. The rules of the game

2. Each player answers questions about themselves.

3. At the end of the post the player then tags 5 people, and posts their names, goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment letting them know they've been tagged.

WHAT WHERE YOU DOING TEN YEARS AGO.

We had just been told that the duplex we were renting had been sold and that we had 60 days to find a new place to live. It was stressful, and we looked at a lot of dumps before finally settling on the condominium where my children and I still currently reside.

In November of '98, I began my work in Special Education. I was offered a position by the Preschool Coordinator, to work a couple days a week offering support to a little girl with special needs. Initially, I was hesitant, having no experience and not knowing what to expect or what would be expected of me. I was told that this little girl could not walk, speak or feed herself properly.... In a matter of seconds, I fell in love. Thus began my now 10 year career in Special Education.

My daughters, then one and four years old, ruled my heart (as they always will) and gave me reason to laugh, cry and celebrate every day.

I was two years into a lifeless marriage and learning to accept and live with it. The thought of divorce had never crossed my mind.

To be continued....

Come On Baby Light My Candle....

2008-03-31T19:40:00.000-07:00

Everyone has a collection of some sort... Whether it's a collection of "things" or of memories or stories told and untold.... You get the idea. This particular challenge was started by Monica, and you can find her journal entry about "Every Picture Tells a Story" here and play along.

This weeks photo/story:

I collect ________________ (dust bunnies, spoons, dogs, rings, etc). Share a photo of what you collect and tell us how or when you got started with the collection. Is there something you are looking to add to the collection?

This challenge had me thinking... What do I collect, that I could photograph and share? I have a collection of Jodi Picoult books! Nah... I have a jar of sea glass.... maaaaybe..

Then I remembered (yeah, it happens....), that I have CANDLES all around me... On the walls (not pictured), tables, shelves.. you name it. In my bathroom, bedroom, kitchen... I think every room, with the exception of my children's rooms, have candles. Mostly Partylite candles and holders. I buy many of my favorite scents on Ebay ~ Honeydew, Peach, Mulberry, etc... I'm FRUIT FRENZIED! But have been to and hosted Partylite gatherings at my home as well.

I've been enjoying candles for many, manyyears. I do not light them all at the same like this EVER! As a matter of fact, I'm still sneezing from having them all lit at once for this photo (thanks for the idea, Nance.... ;oP)! But, I do light one or two.... maybe three, depending on the mood... more than a couple times a week. I have favorites for certain moods, hours in the day and times of the year.

I hope that whatever it is you collect, whether it be "things" or something even MORE meaningful to you, I hope it brings you many moments of warmth and enjoyment through the years.

Thanks for visiting!

2008-03-30T09:41:00.000-07:00

AOL Community Photo CHALLENGE •AGED-FUN

This week's challenge is AGED. So find something that shows age or take an image & make it vintage or aged.

Post your challenge entry on your blog, come back here & leave your link in the comment area on either the FUN or JUDGED category.

This photo was taken this past Fall, while sitting at a little roadside ice cream parlor with my dear friend, Nancy and her hubby, Stu. All three of us enjoyed photographing this old barn. It almost seemed like it didn't belong there, and yet, it had come ages before ice cream parlors and picnic tables, with a story all it's own.

Sick

2008-03-28T14:05:00.000-07:00

::sigh::

I just inadvertently deleted an entire journal entry... I've been sick all week, and I guess that's just what happens when you're only half with the program!

Anyway, that's mostly why I haven't been around lately. I AM feeling better, and I hope to get back to writing, commenting and snail mailing (::waves to the patient ones...::) very soon. Hope everyone enjoys their weekend!

Chelle

Thank you... and Happy Easter!

2008-03-23T19:13:00.000-07:00

Special thanks to all who voted for my "Green" photo entry, and for all the kind words sent my way regarding my second place win. Congrats to Nancy, who was awarded first place, to my co-second place winners, Veronica and Julie, and to Kat, for taking first place in the Advanced category! I know there are a few changes taking place in the Community Photo Challenge. I hope that everyone who enjoys participating and sharing their wonderful photos will continue to do so in the weeks to come! So many good things have come from these challenges. Let's all continue to come together and share our worlds and our hearts through our photographic images as well as our written words.

I do hope that each and everyone who celebrated Easter today was blessed with many reasons to give thanks for the all the little miracles in their lives. I know I was.... My blessings are countless and endless in supply, and celebrating their existence will not end on this day.

Thank you to my beautiful daughters, who on a daily basis help me to see just how lucky we truly are. There is nothing in the world like celebrating life through the eyes of a child. They are growing older, but their hearts are still as sweet and pure as they ever were......

Well, most of the time, anyway....... ::smiles::

Happy Easter!

It's Not Easy Being Green

2008-03-17T16:58:00.000-07:00

In my quest for all things green, I came upon some pretty interesting subjects ~ even if I did only manage to look and shoot all in one place. I had a bit of a time, trying to choose what image to post for the "Wearing of the Green" Challenge. Not that I thought they all came out so great, but because I found flaws in each one that drove me completely nuts. I took dozens upon dozens of photos and deleted about 75% of them. The ones that I was left with were just "off" in places. I'm finding blurry "spots" in almost all my images. There seems to be areas that are very sharp and areas that soften or melt into the image. Perhaps there is some underlying reason for this, and if any of you experts can think of anything, I'd love some advice. Please feel free to email any ideas or thoughts you might have. It may be as simple as how I hold the camera, but I've always been pretty good about that... Who knows? :o/

I would like to introduce a few more of the "green" friends I made during my trip to the pet store. I liked these shots, even with their blurry spots and flaws! These creatures have some great personalities, and I really enjoyed my visit with them. I hope they will find good homes soon.

Thank you for all your kind and encouraging words regarding my photos and my journal! HUGS TO ALL!!! ;o)

AOL Community Photo Challenge - Wearing of the Green {Beginner}

2008-03-16T20:00:00.000-07:00

So, as luck would have it, I am an Irish lass.... One would think I might have something GREEN to photograph for this challenge!

I don't.

So, I headed off to find me some green, and found this handsome fella....

Wishing everyone a warm and peaceful St. Patrick's Day!

Tags: AOL Community Photo Challenge, St. Patrick, Wearing of the Green

Simply Musing...

2008-03-02T07:43:00.000-08:00

It feels like ages since I've actually written here... In fact, I've played with the idea of making this a "photo" journal, rather than a written one. The only problem with that, is that I have almost three years of my life invested within these pages, and it feels almost like a betrayal of sorts ~ to myself and even to my heart, perhaps ~ not to continue sharing my thoughts, experiences and personal reflections.

I also feel like I'm betraying others in some small way, by not commenting or even reading as much as I should. I haven't been myself lately. Strike that ~ I haven't been myself in quite a long time for a multitude of reasons. Then again, maybe I've been more myself than I have ever been.... I don't know, really. And I hate not knowing.

So much continues to weigh on my mind. Issues at home, issues with my parents, issues at work.... Mistakes within friendships, confusion in relationships... Indecision and procrastination.

And yet, there's always so much more, so much goodness, that I recognize in hindsight. I'm reminded of it, in the warmth of my children's smiles and in the sunlight that plays upon their faces as they themselves, play in the sun. In the icicles that chime naturally, as they dangle from the tree outside my window. In the soft affections of my cat as she snuggles in close beside me..... In the understanding that there is so much more to give thanks for than to struggle with.

Late yesterday afternoon, we had one of those incredible snowfalls that I look forward to and enjoy no matter how late in the season. When the tiny, intricately designed flakes of snow clump together to create a startling performance in midair. It was the element of surprise that tickled my senses ~ that, and the fresh angel kisses that settled cool against my skin, as I stood with my head tilted upward and my mouth opened wide! I always make sure and pause to give thanks, when such a miraclulous event occurs.

And those little miracles happen all around us, each and every day. How dare I ~ how dare WE ~ allow ourselves not to see and to feel and to know?

Unfortunately, it's quite easy, isn't it? We get so caught up in the here and now, and in the fear of things to come that we forget to hold on to Hope. Perspective can be lost ~ and sometimes that's okay. But ultimately, it's what keeps us from coming undone.

I may in fact, create a "photo" journal... Or something creatively similar. I may not... I guess time will tell. I am who I am. All of me fits into these pages just fine.

I can say one thing for sure... I feel better now, for writing. For finding an outlet through my fingertips so that my mind could rest a while. Even if for a moment...

Peace,

Chelle

Weekly Sentence #5

2008-03-01T21:15:00.000-08:00

Please click HERE to play along

Today's Letters:
APSTMS

As pieces scatter, the memory subsides....

www.alz.org

Communtiy Photo Challenge Extra - Creative Collage

2008-02-23T21:12:00.000-08:00

This challenge will most likely go down in history as my biggest one yet! I have been struggling for hours, trying to put together something simple....

As if...

The only way I've managed to create something that will copy into my journal is through Smilebox. Which is fine, but much more involved and interactive than I would have liked it to be. I hope you enjoy them.

These photographs were taken at the Quechee Balloon Festival in Quechee, Vermont back in 2006. My camera was still pretty new to me at that point. I actually did some work on them tonight in my pitiful editing program that came with my old printer that I don't even use anymore.

Make a postcard - it's easy!

Lunar Reflections

2008-02-21T09:22:00.000-08:00

(First attempt.... without the tripod!)

I'm not even sure I had ever seen a lunar eclipse before last night. Sad, but true... I certainly had never tried to photograph one before! They are quite a vision to behold, aren't they? Thank you Nancy, for letting me know at the precise moment that it was even happening! I honestly had no idea. My mind has been a bit preoccupied lately. I think a raging storm could blow through here and I'd barely notice.

I wasn't even planning on trying to take any pics, but once my daughters and I flew out the door and saw the moon's brilliant amber glow, I knew I had to attempt it somehow.

I ran back into the house and grabbed my camera, zoomed back out without a logical thought in my brain and tried a couple shots in auto focus. THAT obviously wasn't going to work. Plus, trying to hold my camera still enough to keep the moon in view was pointless. I ran back into the house yet again and all but stumbled down the stairs to my laundry room where I store my tripod. By now my kids were already bored and back in front of the T.V. ::eye roll::, but not me! I grabbed my tripod and ran back outside into the freezing cold.

So, I think I've used my camera in manual focus twice in my life. I have NO IDEA what I am doing in there... I flubbed around with the numbers, overlooking the ISO settings altogether ::ducking to avoid Greg's swat:: and tried to twist my camera onto my tripod so fast that I got the strap all wrapped up in it and that of course made it even more wobbly... But TIME WAS RUNNING OUT!! ;o)

::sigh:: What's done is done. I have really enjoyed seeing the eclipse through the eyes of so many here. I wasn't happy at all with my photos (see above to know why), but I think if I posted them small enough, the flaws were not quite so obvious in my previous entry HERE! I'm glad I at least made an attempt at it, which surprised me.

Winter Break is almost over. I'm not ready to go back to reality. I'd think I'd rather be on the moon.

Ciao!

Lunar Eclipse 02/20/08

2008-02-20T21:28:00.000-08:00

Just a reminder, that some things experienced here on earth are in fact, eternal.

More Winter Blues ~ Just Because

2008-02-17T09:03:00.000-08:00

Community Photo Challenge - Winter Blues

2008-02-16T21:38:00.000-08:00

BEGINNERS CATEGORY-Winter Blues

This week's challenge is WINTER BLUES.....Could be a winter scene, something that shows YOUR WINTER in YOUR TOWN.....or something blue for those who do not really have a winter. Use your imagination for this week's challenge if you don't have any snow.

Photo taken: February 16, 2008

Location: Methodist Hill Road Lebanon, NH

Highlighted

2008-02-16T14:33:00.000-08:00

I've been "feeling the love" so to speak, in the last few days. Guess ole' cupid didn't completely forget about me....

My dear friend Indigo has been chosen as this week's Guest Editor, and with this honor comes the privilege of highlighting a handful of journals. She not only highlighted my humble abode here on the net, but as always, warmed my heart with her words and with her thoughtfulness.

Thank you, sweet friend. You inspire me in so many ways, and I can't begin to thank my lucky stars for the gift of your friendship.

Thank you to all who commented so kindly in my previous entry for the Self Portrait Photo Challenge. I'm still laughing at Greg's comment and Nancy's second, regarding my photo. "Sup, DUDE!" Thanks for the smiles, guys!

Have a great weekend!

(get well soon ~ Lisa Jo and Jackie... xoxo)

Extra CHALLENGE-Self Portrait

2008-02-13T14:41:00.000-08:00

Extra CHALLENGE-Self Portrait

Extra CHALLENGE in addition to Friday's challenge

(click banner for link)

This challenge starts today & can be posted all this week thru the weekend. No rules, anything goes. Must be a self portrait : a portrait of oneself done by oneself
You can use Photoshop or any editing program, be creative....
Have fun & show your true self...Ü
Leave only a link to your entry here in the comment area.

Only one category on this challenge.
There will be no judging.

So get your tripods out & use your timer.....& say CHEEEEEEEEEEESE!
(or just stick your arm out, aim it your way & snap...Ü)

"Partially hidden"

Original photo (which i don't particularly like, and did not use flash):

Kindness Matters, Too

2008-02-10T10:21:00.000-08:00

I've been somewhat out of the loop here lately, and have had to delete many alerts and miss out on some wonderful journal entries. Once you reach the 100 mark, it's harder to get caught up and easier to just let them go and try again later, as much as you'd like to enjoy each and every one to it's fullest capacity.

So how surprised and humbled I was, to check in on my very first alert of the day, to find that my dear friend Jimmy had not only received the Everyday Kindness award, but had passed it along to me as well!

Thank you, Jimmy... For all the kindnesses you have shown me and so many others ~ especially those closest and dearest to you.

And I do suppose at this point, that I should not take the easy (but honest) way out and give this away to all of my readers/friends rather than choosing just four. I might get in trouble for doing that two times in a row.... So I hereby grant the Everyday Kindness award to the follow:

Nancy What can I possibly say about you, my dear friend... Your kindness reaches far beyond the boundaries of this screen. You never fail to make a grey day brighter ~ and in countless ways. Thank you, for all the ways you reach out to me. Skype will never be the same!

Indigo has lifted my spirits with her kindness. She puts such thought and wisdom and heart into her comments and there has never been a time when I was not deeply touched by her generous and loving nature.

LisaJo No matter what this lady is facing in her life, she never, EVER hesitates to reach out to others who are in need of anything ~ whether it be a smile, a hug, a warm thought or a friend to turn to. She is loyal to those who stand by her, even as she struggles to overcome jland trolls who seem to invade her personal space on a regular basis.

RebeccaAnne Perhaps the oldest (now, don't take that the wrong way, silly) of all my jland friends and readers, and her journal is still one of my top five favorite reads. She's not a "look at me, dammit" type of person at ALL, and I only hope she will view this award as a quiet showing of my appreciationfor not only her kindness towards myself and others, but for her heart, her wisdom and her friendship as well.

Whew! That was hard to do. Almost as hard as judging the Beginner's photo challenge entries (I said ALMOST... ;o) )! I still wish I could name you all....

I must say, in the time that I have spent here in Jland, I have yet to meet someone who ISN'T kind. We all have our less than flattering moments, right? It's nice to know you have someone who cares about you in spite of them.

Enjoy your Sunday!

Thank you Donna, for the beautiful tag (will it EVER stop snowing??).

ADVANCED- AOL Community Photo Challenge-LOVE

2008-02-06T20:18:00.000-08:00

AOL Community Challenge-LOVE

With Valentine's day upon us this month, our next challenge was suggested by Betty.
Of course, this can be of anything that represents love. There are many forms of love, so this should be an easy challenge.
Love is all around us......so find it, capture it, or just use a photo from the past, that says it!

Best Friends

This photograph was taken last summer, of my daughter and her best friend, Elana. They are as close as sisters (without all the squabbling, of course) and are as attached as they seem to be here! It is a rare weekend indeed, that these two do not hook up somehow. They spend hours on the phone, giggling and singing and sharing their secrets. I LOVE how close they are, and they LOVE one another like only the best of friends can. I'm hoping for a lifetime.

Bell's Revisited

2008-02-04T20:39:00.000-08:00

If you are new to my journal, you may or may not know that I had a major bout with Bell's Palsy over the summer. I'm not going to drudge up the past ~ I haven't written about it in a while because I had reached the 90% mark in my recovery, and what was once a frightening and embarrassing disorder became more of an annoyance in my day to day than anything else.

But in the past several weeks, I've felt things worsening. For instance, when I forced the affected eye to blink (it doesn't do it on it's own), my mouth would tighten slightly on the same side.

I've felt it more in the last couple days than I have in months. When I make any sort of distinct movement with my mouth: smiling (which is a blessing to even be able to do again), eating, puckering (at least my youngest still enjoys my kisses), applying lip gloss (cuz you never know when someone else might... ;o) ), etc., my eye closes almost completely. It feels heavy all the time and my cheekbone feels numb. It's making me tired. It's making me mad.

I'm trying not to let it get to me. If I do, I imagine it will only get worse. If I end up like I was before... Well, I am not even going to go there. Perhaps it explains why I have been so flutter-brained lately and unable to think all that clearly.

I guess more than anything, I am writing to document this little setback for my own records. I have photos for all the phases BP has brought me through. Hopefully, I won't have to take anymore for a while.

I am so very thankful for the many blessings in my life. I am otherwise healthy and pain free. I do not feel sorry for myself in the least, and I am confident that this will all go away in time. I am GRATEFUL, for how far I have come ~ in so many ways.

But boy, do I still have a long way to go. Bell's or no Bell's.

Peace ~

Thank you Dianna, for the lovely tag!

Paying It Forward

2008-02-03T20:28:00.000-08:00

So, how does one choose just four well deserving "nice" people to recognize especially, when their life is so full and rich with niceness? I can't do it. Like my dear friend, Nancy, who had the "Big Heart" award bestowed upon her by another dear friend, Jimmy, I am finding such a responsibility to be overwhelming and all but impossible to take! I've been racking my brain all day (in the midst of Super Bowl festivities, of course....) to pick my four award recipients, and again, I say, I CAN'T DO IT!! ::grin::

So, I hope you don't mind if I snag your idea, Nance..... Yeah, I know... How original. But that's just me lately...

To all my dear and NICE friends, readers and fellow journalists, who - out of the kindness of their hearts - always find something nice, uplifting and encouraging to say, THIS ONE'S FOR YOU!! Passed along with thanks and appreciation for all you do and for all you mean to me.

Please feel free to snag one of the following to add to your sidebar:

"Nice" MATTERS!!

2008-02-03T09:40:00.000-08:00

::smile::

Sometimes people just surprise you with something sweet and out of the ordinary, ya know? Of course, I'm not surprised at all, that something so sweet and out of the ordinary would come from my friend Greg, who has seen me go through some serious ups and downs in the last couple years and has always been there with a kind word and an open ear, encouraging me and helping me see that I am worth much more than I ever give myself credit for.

I think the word "nice" is underrated... In our third grade classroom, we encourage the students not to use it in their writing. Now, don't get me wrong ~ I'm all about "juicy" words, as I like to refer to them as... But really, what's wrong with something ~ or someONE ~ being "just" NICE?

Nothing at all. I like being nice, really... And it warms my heart when someone is NICE to ME!

So THANK YOU, my friend Greg, for being so nice yourself, and for honoring me with an award that truly means something important.

Now, I will be passing this along to four others who I feel are deserving of such an award.... Hard decision, because I am blessed to know so many nice people!! Stay tuned!

2008-02-01T19:03:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel I've lost the ability to compose a single sentence. Do you ever feel that way? As if you've got so much inside you, swirling around like the painted lines of a funhouse tunnel, longing for escape with no end in sight?

I have been feeling this way for days. Weeks, really... But I've been making an attempt at least. I have all but given up on even trying to comment in the journals that I have read and commented in religiously for years, because I just sit there... Blank stare. Drift away.... Continued stare. Then frustration: What is wrong with me?

Well, nothing really. At least nothing that I care to write about here, because I probably couldn't come up with the words if I tried!

Someone said something really nice to me the other day, with regards to my journal. They called me a name, actually. One that I had never been called before (and I've been called many things, believe me) and most likely never will again. It was an honorable name that I feel unworthy of accepting, however thankful I was (and am) for the compliment. I was told that I am a 'Kalligeneia', meaning 'bearer of a fair offspring or of beauteous things.' Is that not the most beautiful word? Just saying it, feeling it roll off my tongue, is an enjoyable experience in itself! I will admit, my daughters are quite beautiful in every way, but like I said, this person was speaking in terms of my journal. I was touched, really, that someone would think so highly of me. For a moment, I was inspired and full of creative thoughts and energy....

And that lasted about as long as this entry will.

I promise I'll be around... That is, in case you're wondering. I'm looking forward to judging the next Beginners Photo Challenge and I'm hoping to go on a shoot next Sunday in Rockport, MA. to photograph ocean landscape. Long, cold, but hopefully worth the trip, and hopefully to return home feeling refreshed and renewed and ready to come callin'.

Have a safe (did I mention the blizzard we're having??) and relaxing weekend!

Chelle

In Appreciation

2008-01-28T20:47:00.000-08:00

I wish to thank all those who left comments or emailed to congratulate me on my First Place win for my "Hometown" photo. I am beyond thrilled to have been awarded such an honor and would like to also offer my own congratulations to Martha, who received Second Place, and Sue, who received Honorable Mention. All the photos submitted in both of the Challenge categories are worthy of recognition. I look forward to having a turn at viewing the next Challenge entries from a judge's perspective!

When Less Becomes More

2008-01-27T10:55:00.000-08:00

I've been journaling here for almost three years now, and in that time, I have met some pretty amazing people who have become dear to me in a variety of ways, and have shared some pretty intense thoughts and moments within these very public pages.

For a while now, I've struggled with how to continue expressing myself and sharing my life here. I've thought of everything from deleting my journal in it's entirety (which I have since come to the conclusion would be a major mistake), to taking a respite of sorts while I clear my head, to wanting to write even more than I probably should!

I've decided to continue to keep this journal ~ as well as two other private ones, but to simply modify it's content to better suit a different sort of purpose and need. At least for now. Because I'm finding it easier and more comfortable to keep things lighter within the walls of this space, and I'm hoping to add a little bit of warmth to those who stop to visit here as well. I was overwhelmed by the thoughtful comments left in my previous entry. Thank you for all who stopped by and left a smile.

So (((Reflections))) is going through a few midlife changes, I guess you could say. I will share my photos, my art, perhaps a poem or two... Maybe even pieces of my heart every once in a while. Thank you, to those who will stick with me regardless of what I write or how I am feeling. Thank you.... friends.

chelle 2008

Community Photo Challenge-Hometown[Amateurs ONLY]

2008-01-19T13:23:00.000-08:00

Community Photo Challenge-Hometown[Amateurs ONLY] :

The theme for this week's challenge will be Hometown, suggested by Donna.

Select a photo that best represents "Hometown"
This could be something you love about where you live, either your hometown, home state, country....anything that shows your home. It is your interpretation of "Hometown" or "Home"

Anyone who knows me well won't be surprised to see my choice for this week's Amateur Photo Challenge, "Hometown".

One of the many things I love about living in New England is the vast beauty that surrounds me wherever I go ~ nature's gift. Another reason, is it's rich history and the appreciation and preservation that is given to it's structures and monuments that help us to remember and feel for a moment, what might have been long before our time.

When I allow myself the freedom to pack up my camera and take a drive into the hills and valleys that are my home, it is most often covered bridges that I search for and am drawn to. I will park, explore, feel and "visit" each one for an hour or more! There are over 50 in NH alone - one of which is literally IN my hometown. It is for that reason, that I have chosen a covered bridge to represent home. The one I've chosen is actually in Vermont, but I have many more on file and within the pages of my profile.

For more information on New England covered bridges, click HERE.

Thanks for visiting!

Snow Day Bliss

2008-01-14T09:13:00.000-08:00

We have been blessed with a Snow Day.

And it is a blessing in more ways than one. Yes, we have an unexpected day of rest to add to our weekend. But there's more...

January thaw... A wonderful concept, really. Happens every year, right on schedule. The temperatures rise, the sun shines brightly for a few days, then.... rain.

I love a rainy day, don't get me wrong. We need the rain, to quench nature's thirst and to appreciate the warmth of the sun. It's calming, to listen to and watch quietly from the livingroom window.

But it also leaves behind a whole lot of grey. Muddy streets are lined with salted trails of ice. Trees become bare and appear to ache for their lost blanket of white... I can almost hear their branches cry out to the moon.

So here we are, in the midst of winter's blissful promise: Light always returns in one way or another. Whether it be in the form of a white, fluffy snowfall or the bright rays of a gleaming sun. Or simply, beautiful, in the hope that lives within us all, if we are wise enough ~ and strong enough, to hold onto it with all our hearts ~ even as it rains.

Community Photo Challenge - BEGINNINGS

2008-01-05T20:57:00.000-08:00

Find out more: Community Photo Challenge-BEGINNINGS :

At A Snail's Pace...

For some reason, this photo looks much better on my computer...

Oh well!

Tags: Photo Community Challenge, Beginnings, Snails

Where, How and Why I've been...

2008-01-05T19:51:00.000-08:00

I would like to tell you I've been away on holiday, traveling the world and such, sipping Pina Coladas on sandy beaches and taking moonlit walks with some dark, handsome stranger....

Hardly.

I have, in fact, been away in a sense. Not physically, of course. I've got all I can do to go to the local grocery store for milk.

I tend to withdraw and become introverted when I'm not feeling well. I won't make that phone call, accept invitation or open myself up to others ~ all the while knowing that so many people around me DO care and want to see me smile. It's frustrating ~ for them and for me.

Even now, as I write, I find myself questioning what my point is here... I've decided to write, and yet I'm not really allowing myself to show up. Everything I do lately seems to take baby steps. So I suppose this is part of the process of returning from where I've been.

I HAVE been feeling better the last couple days. I've been staying busy: Back to work after almost two weeks off (what a push THAT took!), the girls basketball games have begun and I am finding myself here, there and everywhere trying to keep up, loving it all the while. I've been reading a very good Jodi Picoult book, "Picture Perfect". One that I put down some time ago when I became engrossed in Anita Shreve's "Light on Snow". I've also been doing some watercolor painting. I hope to be finished with something soon, so that I might share it here. One thing about watercolors... You can fix things... I become completely consumed with trying to make something just right. I'll be lucky if I finish something by Spring ::sighing at Spring thoughts:: . How ironic, to use a medium that so thoroughly reflects my approach to how I live my life lately.

Why I've been away... Now that's a loaded question. One that deserves a straight and honest answer. If I had one, I'd be sure to give it. If I figure it out, I'll letcha know.

I shall return.... Momentarily, as a matter of fact. I've received notification of a new "Photo Community" in the neighborhood that I just might quietly slip into...

WISHING YOU ALL A WONDERFUL, HEALTHY AND HAPPY NEW YEAR FILLED WITH HOPE AND PEACE AND BLESSINGS BOTH LARGE AND SMALL!!

Michelle

An Angel Among Us

2007-12-27T20:50:00.000-08:00

Kim,

You taught me how to laugh in the face of darkness. To open my eyes and my heart to all that life has to offer. You helped me to see the beauty around me for what it was, is and always will be:

a gift.

The courage and strength and passion for life that you showed during times when so many of us would have surely crumbled, inspired me and will continue to inspire me always.

Your smiles and humor and incredible character brought light to my own days. All that you shared ~ your heart, your family and your love for those closest to you, often moved me to tears.

I will miss you, even as I carry you in my heart, walking steadier, seeing clearer, hearing louder and feeling more intensely all that life has to give.

Fly free, my friend. You've earned your dazzling wings. Fly free.

Love,

Michelle

2007-12-20T17:44:00.000-08:00

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Let your heart be light
From now on,
our troubles will be out of sight

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Make the Yule-tide gay,
From now on,
our troubles will be miles away.

Here we are as in olden days,
Happy golden days of yore.
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more.

Through the years
We all will be together,
If the Fates allow
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough.
And have yourself A merry little Christmas now.

(thanks, lj)

A Holiday Creation to Share

2007-12-10T17:14:00.000-08:00

Make a slideshow!

My Comfort Food (weekend assignment #193)

2007-12-01T21:26:00.000-08:00

Weekend Assignment #193: Share one of your favorite comfort foods. Because it's just about the time of year for them, isn't it? Getting chillier and with the cold comes the desire for warm food that makes you happy. Hello! Comfort food.

Extra credit: Well, a picture of your favorite comfort food would be nice, and might also make me hungry.

Ever since I can remember, my very favorite comfort food has been Creamed Chipped Beef... I even went so far as to list it somewhere, on a recent survey or list of fours or something of that nature.. I got a lot of WTH is THAT'S?? So, seeing this weekend's assignment, I thought I'd share...

Whenever my birthday rolled around, mom would always ask me, "What do you want for your birthday dinner, Shelly?" (LOL @ Shelly...) And I would always answer, "Creamed Chipped Beef!" Otherwise known as SOS (shit on a shingle), when served on toast. I myself have always preferred it over potatoes. It's very easy, very filling and extremely delicious, if you like that sort of thing....

It has also become a favorite of both my of my daughters.. Mailee especially. She likes to help tear apart the dried beef while Amanda peels the potatoes and I make the creamy white sauce. Sinfully good, I must say...

Thank you again, for your support and kind words.

Pondering the Days Ahead

2007-11-30T21:39:00.000-08:00

My daughter Amanda suggested to me that her little sister be informed that Santa Claus doesn't exist so that she will understand if there isn't a lot under the tree this year...

That stung a little.

Their dad, of course, will make sure they get all they ask for from him. He spoils them rotten, which is all he knows, and I understand that he needs to connect somehow. I'm hoping he might save a little something for Santa to deliver, but can't seem to bring myself to ask. My parents also, are finding all sorts of goodies and crossing off their lists item by item. I AM thankful, don't get me wrong... It doesn't matter to me who the gifts come from, considering the reason for celebrating really isn't about the gifts at all... But what child under a certain age gets that? I just want them to wake up Christmas morning, their first Christmas without him here, and know the joy and surprise and excitement that they ~ and every child on earth, should know.

I remember reading a random journal a while back where the author was upset about someone "ranting and raving" because they didn't have enough money to make ends meet. The person relaying the information was livid because it appeared this individual had more than enough, simply because she was able to have Internet access and other "luxuries". My electricity, heat, phone and car payment are my first priorities (the amount of support I receive from him goes straight to my landlord the first of each month), and naturally, that takes care of my whooping $15 a month broadband service. It IS a luxury, to be able to spend time online, having some sort of entertainment now that cable is out. I would miss my friends here, if it were to become necessary to shut down for a time... But if it happens, it happens.

After months of holding back due to my pride, and hope that I would be able to do this somewhat on my own, I finally gave in and applied for all sorts of assistance. I am on the bottom of every possible waiting list there is, as we arenot in danger (today) of being homeless. Well, yeah... of course I am thankful for such a blessing, but I am so fearful of that possibility that my mind is playing around all sorts of scenarios and options surrounding the idea that I could ask him to come home. I know that he would, even while it was HE who hired a lawyer because I wouldn't get my ass in gear fast enough for him and do it myself because I continue to ask, how can I do this? And yet, how can I not? He would move back home in a second. Not because he loves me to no end and can't imagine his life without me, but because he feels deprived of certain needs being met... Yes, that is what it all amounted to, when he attempted to work things out with me. Not, 'hey hon, I really miss you and the girls... I promise to try and be the husband you deserve.. I won't ignore you, degrade you, neglect you emotionally or brush away all your dreams, needs and doubts as stupid anymore... I will try to be around a little bit more, and be a little more attentive.. I will find ways to show you I care that have nothing to do with material things..." It was all about missing me in a purely physical sense. What I've learned, in the last few years or so of my life, is that someone can be there physically without ever even being there at all. The opposite is quite true as well. More so, in fact...

A friend of mine recently said to me that if I were to take him back that I should be more than willing to express my love for him, and find it impossible to imagine not spending the rest of my life with him. I could do neither. If I were to reconcile with him, it would be for reasons that have nothing to do with my personal hopes, dreams or desires. It would be for financial reasons and for our girls to have their father home again. They would continue to see him only rarely, as he would never be willing to change his work hours or days. We would go back to being roommates, in a house that is not a home, but is merely a place to exist. I would try to be happy, and would probably look happy most days. But it would be no different than it was, and the reasons for asking him to leave in the first place would always linger in my heart, and the inevitable would eventually happen some day. Would there be time left for me? Would my daughters continue to feel as if their family was a lie? Would they continue to question everything they know?

The answers to these questions are floating in my heart, because I already know.

I needed to write tonight. For myself.. For my mind's attempt to unscramble the fragments of a future that remains uncertain. I am not writing for advice or pity or any other reason, really... Just venting. I DO have faith, that it will all work itself out somehow, and that my girls will have the magical, wondrous Christmas they should have. I guess it's selfish of me, to want to be the one to give it to them.

Family Dollar, here I come... ::soft smile::

A Holiday Wish

2007-11-22T09:40:00.000-08:00

From our hearts to yours....

HAPPY....

(Thank you Amanda, for the use of your lovely, festive nail art!)

This is a very sentimental day for me, as I have so much to be thankful for and look forward to. With the sweet scent of blueberry pie lingering in the air, soft, soothing melodies filling the room, and the warmth and comfort of family and friends filling my heart, how could I ever, even for a moment, question the purpose and meaning of my life?

We're leaving soon to spend the day with my parents, as we usually do Thanksgiving Day. We've been watching the Macy's Parade, baking and just enjoying each other's company. All is good. All is right.

I wish you all the love and joy and understanding that this holiday season brings, and for those that feel it less, or need a little something more to instill warmth in your hearts, I wish you peace.

Happy Thanksgiving. Thank you for you.

Birthday Bliss

2007-11-21T20:35:00.000-08:00

Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.
-- Marcel Proust

Imagine my delight upon opening my virtual mailbox today...

It isn't every day, that one's heart is touched in a way that melts the soul. That the sun shines just a little warmer than it should and that the breeze smells just a little sweeter than it ought to mid-Autumn.

Nancy, what a dear and treasured friend, person and soul you are.. You find ways to make me smile EVERY day, and with this being my 38th birthday, and with you being you, my journal has been filled with the warmth of a house filled with love. THANK YOU FOR YOU.

And to those of you who stopped by on your way through, busy as you all must be this time of year, to wish me a happy day ~ THANK YOU!! I'm looking forward to visiting all of you in the coming days and reading your journals as well.

To those who sent cards (both virtual and non) or took time to send a special note my way, I hope so much that you know how much your friendships all mean to me and how much you've helped me and lifted me up during some tough times as well as shared smiles with me in the good times. My life is fuller ~ my BIRTHDAY brighter ~ with special gifts called friends.

Wishing you all warmth and peace and many reasons to give thanks, as Thanksgiving Day approaches ~ and always.

Thank You

2007-11-16T21:29:00.000-08:00

I know that there is some serious mud-slinging around these parts... Not only have I been spared for the most part (::knocking wood::), it seems that I've been somehow blessed with the most caring, kindhearted and thoughtful readers in the land. THANK YOU, for the most touching, (positive) thought provoking and heartfelt comments left in my previous entries. I can't begin to tell you, how much all your words and support mean to me.

Things have been a little better here the last few days. A little complicated, but that's life for ya. Mailee made it to camp this evening, and I was so happy to be able to hug her tight and wish her an exciting weekend, seeing the happiness in her smile and in her eyes (I'm still a little worried about that cough, though). I'm already missing her, and can't wait to see her Sunday afternoon and to hear about her weekend.

I don't have much to share right now. I mostly wanted to thank you all. I haven't had a lot of time to visit journals, and I wanted to email each and every one of you to thank you personally, but my time online has been limited lately.

I hope you all enjoy a peaceful and pleasant weekend!

thank you Donna, for this beautiful tag!

Refocusing

2007-11-13T11:36:00.000-08:00

Mailee came home from a weekend away with a barking cough and a touch of laryngitis. Last night her cough was unyielding, and as I rested my head against her, I could hear her breathing, raspy and shallow... Concerned that allowing her to go to school would not be in her best interest (nor in the best interest of her fellow classmates), I decided to have her stay home today. She is leaving Friday, for three days of camp - Wacky November at Clara Barton, with her best friend. It is a wonderful camp, designated for children with diabetes (her friend has type 1) and they are allowed to bring a friend for the Wacky weekends twice a year. It's such a highlight for her. I hope she'll be able to kick this bug before then.

Of course, all day, with the exception of a couple coughs here and there and still being a little hoarse, she's been fine... And now I'm feeling completely guilty for not being in class myself, knowing what a time our students have when one of us is out (not to mention how it is when we ARE both there). Still, it's better to be safe than sorry. Right? ::sigh::

It's no secret that I've been feeling pretty out of sorts lately... I'm struggling with many emotions, juggling and weighing decisions that need to be made - and soon, before I fall into a hole too deep to pull myself out of. I'm having that old familiar need to withdraw. If I'm to be completely honest with myself, I'm neglecting my life. Sometimes, I even fear I am neglecting my family. I was looking over a scrapbook that Mailee has been working on, and came upon some old photos of her and her sister when they were much younger... For some reason, I just fell apart. I can't even tell you why.

I attended church with a friend on Sunday... It's the only first or second time I've been since June. It wasn't the church I normally go to, but it was nice. I enjoyed the music. My friend had to take care of things in the nursery, so she left me sitting alone in the back row. I didn't really feel as much of a connection as I always did in my church, but for some reason, I haven't been able to bring myself to get up and go on Sunday mornings. The girls both bowed out of choir this year. I miss hearing them sing in church. Many of the "regular" families have left and it just doesn't feel the same anymore. I guess that makes me sad in a way, so I haven't been going. Maybe that's part of my problem... But there's this other part of me that is content with feeling God's presence in my day to day and communicating with him on a more personal level. For now, I'm okay with that. I think He is, too.

That's it for me... Hope all is well with everyone. Thank you for all your comments and well wishes.

Love Much,

2007-11-13T10:00:00.000-08:00

(taken from a "Scattered Pieces" post, Oct. 13, 2007 (formally known as "More Reflections") these words seem relevant to my emotional state as of late.)

My moods are carried by the wind these days it seems... From one swirling gust to the next, I drift along on this (lonesome) journey. Never quite knowing, yet knowing all too well and all too much. My days are filled with swift turns and spiraling plunges, uplifting twists and downward falls. There simply HAS to be a rhyme and reason to it all. Some days, it seems so obvious and so very right. It's in those other days roaming with uncertainty and those other nights stumbling in the dark that I feel so alone.

And yet I am never alone, carrying all that I do in my heart.

On All Fours... (don't even go there...)

2007-11-09T20:50:00.000-08:00

My dear friend Nancy kindly tagged me to journal my "Four Things" list! This is a fun meme ~ one that I've done before some odd months (or is it years?) ago, but since I didn't follow through on the interviews that were requested of me (and I do apologize to the few that were thoughtful - and daring - enough to ask!), I felt I had better shape up and kick myself out of this funk and do something fun.

So here goes my not-so-fabulous fours (second edition):

Four Jobs I've Had

Waitress

Singer

Emergency Room admissions

Live-in nanny

Movies I can watch over and over

On Golden Pond

The Horse Whisperer

The Bridges of Madison County

Titanic

4 Places I have lived

Lebanon, NH

Enfield, NH

Beverly, MA

WEST Lebanon, NH!

4 TV shows I love to watch

House

Grey's Anatomy

Desperate Housewives

Brothers and Sisters (probably because I have none and the idea of such a big family fascinates me!)

4 Places I’ve been to on vacation

Wildwood Crest, NJ

Niagara Falls

York, Maine

Disney World

4 Websites I visit daily

Can't think of even one that I visit daily...

4 Favorite Dishes –

Any seafood dish

Turkey dinner at Thanksgiving

Mom's Christmas Eve Oyster Stew

Cream chipped beef on mashed potato

4 Places I’d rather be right now

Some place warm...

Overlooking some place peaceful

Completely content

In the arms of an angel.

4 People I’m tagging

You, you, you and YES EVEN YOU!!

Have a GREAT WEEKEND!!

Chelle

'Pretty good - for a young fella..'

2007-11-03T20:57:00.000-07:00

Today we celebrated my Grandpa's 90th birthday. For weeks my mom had been beside herself with thoughts of this gathering she had been planning, calling family and friends, organizing food and drink, and praying that the remnants of hurricane what's his name would spare us it's torrential downpour (it didn't). Gramps knew only that the immediate family would be coming - mom, dad, myself and my girls. He had no clue that most of the town would be coming to call, or that the great pig would be driven over after roasting all day at a neighbor's house.

What a memorable event for all... It isn't very often that you meet a man like my Grandpa. He's a rock - with a heart of gold. After losing his wife of what felt like a hundred years to Alzheimer's last year, I was almost sure he would succumb to depression as I watched his heart struggle to regain it's strength. He also had to have surgeries - three of them, to be exact - to remove cancer from his face and eye. Now, seeing how he has overcome so much, keeping his head held high and continuing to push through each day with determination and strength, I am myself overcome with love and pride for a man who has taught me much about living life to the fullest and finding beauty and comfort in things both large and small.

When you ask him how he's doing, he will always answer the same way: "Pretty good, for a young fella." When you ask him what he did that day, the answer comes in a list that will shock you. He tends a vegetable garden every year, does his own grocery shopping, cooking, housework and laundry (never using a dryer, but hanging his clothes out to dry and on a rack in the colder months), brings in wood for his wood stove, mows most of his 5 acres of land on his riding lawnmower, and just recently passed his driver's test, renewing his license for the next 5 years.

Things my Grandpa taught me:

Never let your line sit at the bottom of the pond... bring is up a bit and keep it tight enough to feel the fish bite.

Shut the damn light off.

Never say 'goodbye'. Only 'good day' or 'good night'.

Walk your visitors out when they leave and wave as they drive away.

To cup my hands together and blow like a train whistle.

To support, love and accept your family when they are doing what makes them happy, even if you disagree. And when they fall, be there to pick up the pieces.

Country music soothes the soul.

Never give up.

Family ~ is everything.

LOVE YOU GRAMPS!! HAPPY 90TH BIRTHDAY!!

Hello, It's Been a While..

2007-10-28T21:13:00.000-07:00

My daughter Amanda and I brought a picnic lunch out to Mill Bridge last Sunday. I've posted a photo, as well as a drawing of this particular bridge in the past, but I have childhood (okay, 'teen'hood) connections with it and have no qualms about posting it again in a new season, for a new reason. As you can see, the leaves have all but completed their life cycle year. Oh, we still have a few colorful surprises around corners here and there, but for the most part ~ Fall has officially fallen.

While there's indeed a bit of a chill in the air, the sun shined bright most of the weekend, and the skies were a deep, inviting blue. I'm afraid I've spent most of the last few days kept up inside, getting things done around the house and finishing up important tasks... Like more papers that I have put aside and ignored for too long.

Reason being is, I've had a bit of a time lately, coming to terms myself with all that has transpired in the last nine months. Which, if I look carefully enough, hasn't really been all that eventful with regards to the separation. Other than the financial challenges, nothing really has changed for us. That's how little time our family had together when he WAS here. One day a month, if I'm not being clear enough.. It's been long enough now, that I honestly cannot picture in my mind what it would be like to have him here again. When he does come, to pick up or drop off the kids, I am always ready for him to go. Please do not think less of me... I can't explain it. I do not miss what we had, because there is nothing to miss, really. And yet, the stresses of being a single parent, not loving my job as I once did (a whole new burden to carry), other family issues, bills piling up and still the guilt of letting go has had me more than a bit off balance emotionally. I know, you thought I was sure. I did, too... A momentary lapse of reason, I'd like to call these last couple days. I'm sure once again. I was always sure, I just second guess myself more often than not.

I do not like or enjoy hurting people. I do think of him, lying in his cot style bed separated only by a curtain in a tiny, shady apartment he shares with three other cooks from the restaurant where he works, tears in his eyes for the very first time (the man hates criers and always hated my tears ~ even yelled at me for them, but he now knows how it is to feel), missing his family and wondering why I changed the way I did... And this thought keeps me awake some nights.

I have weighed the options in my mind, searching the right's and the wrong's and the reasons. I've thought about how easy it would be, to go back to just going through the motions each day. Married yet alone, 'loved' but never feeling loved, wondering yet unable and unwilling to hope, losing myself again... Wait, how and why would that be easy? Because I did it for so long, and while I was never really happy, or truly in love with him, I was never UNhappy because I never allowed myself to be. When those thoughts slipped into my mind, it swiftly pushed them away. Now that I am allowing myself to feel again, and to open myself up to new hopes and dreams and possibilities, I am also opening myself up to more failure and loss and realities. And that, my friends, can be frightening...

Those papers, the ones that needed adjustments and signatures...? Well, they're finally done. And my new life... Well, it's just beginning, and tonight I'm feeling good and right and sure about that once again. And it feels good to know.

This life changing event has taken up more than enough of my journal space these last few months. I feel it necessary, to record my thoughts and anxieties concerning this piece of my life's puzzle. I do look forward to a time when I can focus on less strenuous things, like picnics under a scenic bridge and bright, sunny skies. I know that now, I am able to find beauty and love and warmth in things that for far too long had been forgotten, and I love that I can live my life true to myself and to my heart again. Wherever my heart takes me, I'm ready and willing to make the journey. Crossing bridges and building new ones. Because I can.

How can I not?

Love to you all... and prayers for those who need them ~

Michelle

One Way To Find Out There's A Monster Near You...

2007-10-18T20:32:00.000-07:00

*(I've just been made aware that this site is asking for money. I am so angry, because I just did it for free two days ago. I apologize for linking to this site, but was also quite unaware that they would be asking for credit card.)

**(( THIS SITE HAS CHANGED! The FREE Search can be found at www.familywatchdog.us/ ))

About once a year, I make it a point to visit a website that I think everyone should be aware of: www.familywatchdog.com (DO NOT GO HERE, SEE ABOVE). This site is dedicated to making anyone who is concerned for the well being and safety of children aware of sex offenders living in and around their neighborhood. This site is VERY well constructed. Simply tell them where you want to look, and you will be given a map of your area as well as surrounding areas with small "red houses" indicating the exact address of a convicted sex offender. Click on a house, and you will see a very clear photo of the offender (perhaps more clear in some states than others) as well as a small, non-detailed description of the crime itself. If you want to know, you can...

Some of you may be surprised at the number of predators close to home (although I HOPE and PRAY you find out otherwise!). I know I was. As a matter of fact, there was a new one listed, right here in my condominium complex. THIS, just a few short days after a man who lives in the next building from me, whom I have watched drive by my home daily, and have made a point to make clear eye contact with, was finally convicted and sentenced to six years for crimes involving children over the internet.

They live near my children's schools. They live near the school I work at. They live downthe road and in the next town. They are everywhere. Knowledge is power. Have it. Please.

I have been down this road, and it is not a road I would wish for anyone to travel.

Please check out this site. It NEVER hurts to know. Be safe...

An Upward Gust of Wind

2007-10-14T11:55:00.000-07:00

This entry is a sequel of sorts to a private entry I made on a night when my heart was feeling weak and a bit caught up in a whirlwind. I know many of you visit me there as well as in this space and I thank you for keeping up with all my ever changing moods and soul searchings. I'm feeling the upward gust of a warm, comforting wind today, therefore my smiles are genuine and easy.

Life is filled to the brim with uncertainties and that fact is unchanging! I suppose that uncertainty should be welcomed, for if we knew what tomorrow would bring, there would be very little purpose in striving to reach it. I for one, trust myself more than I have in a long time. I have reached a milestone in my search for truth in the mirror (see journal description) and I have made some very important decisions for myself that highly impact those people who live in my heart.

Even on the darker days, I remain hopeful. On brighter days, hopeful still! My children are coming to terms with the divorce and are thriving at school and in their general lives. They smile FAR more often than not, and we are enjoying the excitement that this time of year brings. I don't think there has been a damaging word between us ~ or between them ~ for weeks now! And that is a major accomplishment!

So many blessings fill my life. While many of life's challenges are out of my hands, I have come to know the difference between what I can and cannot change. One thing that cannot and will not, is that my heart shall from now on be my guide.

Where it might guide me has yet to be determined, but I will enjoy this beautiful ride for what it's worth. Which ultimately, is everything.

PHOTOS! (I REALLY need to go to bed...)

2007-10-07T17:37:00.000-07:00

My last attempt to post photos really flipped out my journal, so here's my second...

Thanks for bearing with me!

Imagine Me and You

2007-10-07T17:14:00.000-07:00

(SORRY FOR THE PREVIOUS ALERT... I was overexcited and clicked SAVE by mistake!)

Nancy and me... October 6, 2007

What a fantastic weekend! I know that many of you know Nancy or are readers of her fabulous journal NotionsofNancy. I had the pleasure and the good fortune to MEET her yesterday! It was her birthday, and she and her husband traveled all the way from home to spend a few quiet and peaceful days here in NH. She visited me as well as another online friend. We had the best time, as we knew we would... From the moment she opened the door and we hugged each other tight with squeals of excitement, we were instant soul sisters!! We spent a fun filled day along Squam Lake, spent some time visiting and photographing the beauty around us, and even enjoyed the hot tub at the B&B where they were staying! I have so many photos, but will try to pick out just a few to share with you here, and then will use others to add some Fall color to my next few entries.

Nancy, you are a blessing to me. Thank you for all that we've shared up till now, and for all that we will continue to share as friends both online and off. You made me laugh till my stomach hurt! Thanks for climbing the covered brige wall with me and for the Mike's!! Happy Birthday!

I LOVE YOU!!

Light vs Dark

2007-09-28T20:48:00.000-07:00

I have empathized with fallen angels...

I am near spiritually full at this point in my life. I have faith in God, in His love for me and in all that He promises me. But there once was a time in my life, when I did not.

As a rebellious, heart-twisted teenager (LOOONG ago, I simply must add...), I dabbled in things I had no business dabbling in. I wore clothes and pendants around my neck that loudly stated who I was and what I believed. In fact, to most, I was downright frightening...

To this day, there are times, I must admit, that I am drawn to depths both dark and unknown. I want to know. I want to feel... And I want someone to pull me back and save me from myself.

When I first saw the above graphic, I was mesmerized. Which angel was I? Could I be a little of both? Is one more powerful? More enticing? More fun? More loved?

Sometimes, I wonder what good it does... Wondering.

"Pay attention to your dreams - God's angels often speak directly to our hearts when we are asleep."

~Quoted in The Angels' Little Instruction Book by Eileen Elias Freeman

I Look Like WHO?!

2007-09-26T19:43:00.000-07:00

The day I even REMOTELY resemble ANY of these women... :o/

Still fun, though... Thanks, Chuck!

An Afterthought

2007-09-24T14:32:00.000-07:00

I got busted big time for the deleted entry... Not in a bad way, but I suppose with all I've been going through lately, and the dark places I have been and shared with you, it was only natural for some to be concerned. While I appreciate that greatly, and give thanks from my heart for those that emailed me or sent peaceful thoughts my way, I regret worrying anyone needlessly.

It wasn't so much that the entry needed to be deleted at all, really. I have been compelled on occasion to delete, and it's something I have been working on. But in this case it wasn't about me. It was mainly about my daughter.

It started off with our fiasco yesterday at the ER (yet again.... we were just there last week ~ now BOTH hands are under wraps!!). She cut her hand with a steak knife and needed stitches. I then went on and on about some things she's been dealing with both now and in the past. I felt comfortable as I wrote, but then there came the afterthought... The "maybe I shouldn't have said all that I did" afterthought. I didn't disclose certain information, and yet I felt as though I had said more than I should have. My daughter's privacy came into question, and that stopped my breath for a moment. I'm extremely sensitive to their well being, as any mom would be. Perhaps even more so due to past experiences. Maybe I would have felt safer, had I written in my private journal, but alas, the words were out there, and I knew I would not sleep unless I put them to memory. It was late, and it had been a long day, so I did not take time to explain. I'm sorry if I had you all worried, my dear friends. Thank you for caring and for letting me know.

Till next time... ::WARM HUGS::

From The Orchard

2007-09-22T20:41:00.000-07:00

We visited Poverty Lane Orchard to pick apples today. Friends invited us, and we had a great time despite the fact that my oldest daughter had to stay home... There comes a time, in every mother/daughter relationship, when your cycles cross at just the right time and all hell breaks loose. Not fun. BUT, we did manage to forgive each other as the day wore on, and smiles were renewed.

Poverty Lane Orchard is very picturesque... In fact, there is a movie from the early 80's, I believe, called "Ghost Story" and part of that movie was filmed in the orchard. If my memory serves me well, the scene was that of a dream. Where lovers meet, embrace and dance. I think the woman was a ghost... hence the movie title.

Anyway, wanted to share some photos of our trip... I'm even sharing a pic of myself to show the marked improvement in the Bell's Palsy. I am mostly still affected by what I feel, not so much by how I look. My eye still doesn't blink (still playing pirate in the night...;o) ) and my lips and cheek still FEEL funny, but not nearly as obvious as it was even two weeks ago.

Hope you're all enjoying your weekend!

Almost There...

2007-09-21T14:21:00.000-07:00

"......You can never know who you are, till you let go of who you were.

The best of who you are, is what you are always becoming."

Thank you to Marc, who so generously shared these powerful words with me and so kindly gave me permission to pass them along.

Events from the last couple of days have led me to a much more peaceful place. One of understanding.... An epiphany of sorts. Words that were spoken, feelings that were shared. My own, dismissed as they've alway been... BUT, I'm no longer crying. I'm no longer alone. I am firm in my belief that I have done and continue to do the right thing as I move forward. I have never been surer.

I am holding the finished papers in my hand. Ready to walk on, without looking back. I deserve to be valued ~ as a human being. As a woman. I am worth more than what I have been.

For now ~ for a while ~ it will be me and my girls. I am not ready to "find someone." It is not my desire to move in that direction ~ now or anytime in the near future. I am happy where I am, right here, right now. I am enjoying finding myself again. I am enjoying this journey, and the path that I walk is one that I share with many of you. For that, I am truly thankful.

Wishing you all a wonderful weekend!

Michelle

"The Path Unknown"

2007-09-18T16:22:00.000-07:00

I guess the saying's true... "One man's trash is another man's treasure..."

Went the dumpster and this is what I found ~ just waiting for me to take it home:

How completely relevent to my life right now. No idea where the path will lead, whether or not to even take it... or who's hand to hold along the way... If anyone's.

It's an A. Sheldon Pennoyer oil painting. I can't seem to find it online, so I'm calling it "The Path Unknown."

Blessings,

Chelle

Tags: A. Sheldon Pennoyer

A "Fair" Amount of Photos

2007-09-16T11:52:00.000-07:00

Each year, our entire third grade designs, creates and enters a project for the Junior Competition at the Tunbridge Fair in Vermont. The theme this year was "Cows" and we constructed the world's very first (at least I think it is...) Cowousel!

Sorry about the quality (or lack there of) of the photographs... They placed our Cowousel directly in front of a window and it was a (thankfully) bright, sunny day. This baby can spin (manually) and has a music box attached that had been painted to resemble a Holstein! We won a blue (first prize) ribbon and found out the next day that we were also awarded "Best of Show," which was very unexpected! The students were thrilled beyond belief!

Isn't he CUTE?? Well, in an E.T. sort of way...

There's been so much happening with me lately, and I am afraid I have neglected my journal reading/writing. Please accept my apologies. I have more to share, but I've been rather unproductive today due to the fact that the girls are both away for the weekend and while I miss them and will be so very happy to see them come evening, it feels GOOD to just "be," doing very little other than enjoying the peace and quiet, alone with my thoughts, my music and my writings. Anyhow, I got off track... While my day has BEEN unproductive, I really must get some things done then maybe I'll even get out of the house and go for a leisurely afternoon drive.

Enjoy your Sunday!

thank you to Dianna for the Sazzy tag

Tags: Tunbridge Fair, Cowousels, Blue Ribbons, Quiet

And The Survey Says...

2007-09-06T20:23:00.000-07:00

Nancy sent this survey my way, and having taken the time to complete it, I thought for lack of a better thought to share, I'd share this instead! I may even have done something similar ~ I know I've posted surveys in the past... But just in case you've forgotten.... (feel free to play along!)

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Nope, but my father thought my name would be very fitting for a boat he might own someday... (but never did!)

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Yesterday... But the night's young.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
That depends... If I'm taking notes, my handwriting is messy, but when writing a letter to someone who is important to me, I take great care to make it look nice. I do feel that my handwriting is rather unique, as I have my own way of forming certain letters. (just don't tell my students!)

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
"turkey..not slimy though!" DITTO!

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
Yes, two beautiful daughters... and 2 cats!

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Yes, but I'd have to have a lot of patience!> >>>

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
I try not to, but it happens ya know... geez!!

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Far as I know!

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Not on your LIFE! I have a real fear of heights.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Granola

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Never!

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
Completely depends on the day...

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough wins by a mile!

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT

PEOPLE?
Eyes and smile
15. RED OR PINK?
Pink, but red is very nice, too.

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOU?
My moods and self doubts.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE
MOST?
   My nana
18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU?
   Just sending it back to Nancy, but would love to be linked to yours if you so choose to play along!

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
       Barefoot and jeans

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
A small handful of sun chips while making my girl's lunches for school tomorrow!

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
The tellie is on... Without a Trace.

22. IF YOU WHERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Purple

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?

Lilacs, honeydew partylite candles, my kitchen while dinner is cooking, freshly shampooed, wet hair

!
24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
My friend Candy.

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?
I love her!

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
ice-skating (if that counts)" DItto!

27. HAIR COLOR?
Ashe Blonde

28. EYE COLOR?
green

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
yes, and I miss them since the Bell's...

30. FAVORITE FOOD?
Seafood, steak, creamed chip beef (don't laugh!)!

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
happy endings (absolutely!)

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED
The Messengers (speaking of scary!)

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
Olive green tank top

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
        SUMMER!!!!!!

35. HUGS OR KISSES?
           Both, but if I had to choose, I'd pick hugs.

36. FAVORITE DESSERT?
           Apple crisp with vanilla ice cream

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND
I have no idea!

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
      Ditto
39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
         "A Bend in the Road" by Nickolas Sparks
40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
          Scooby Doo
41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T. V. LAST NIGHT?
     Last Comic Standing

42. FAVORITE SOUND?
New Age music, the wind rustling in the trees, thunder rolling in, the ocean, my children's voices and laughter

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Beatles
44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
Germany
45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
I love to sing, but my voice hasn't aged well...
46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Lebanon, NH

47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?
See above

48. WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO?
A peaceful, happy existance... maybe falling in love someday for the very first time.

Tags: memes, playing along, smile

Saving Me

2007-09-03T13:22:00.000-07:00

Does anyone out there know how one might go about saving their entire journal? Is it even possible? I've tossed an email editor Joe's way, but haven't heard back yet and I'm getting anxious. If anyone can help me, please let me know by email.

Thanks so much!

Michelle

The Interview

2007-09-01T16:29:00.000-07:00

My dear friend Jackie from Hope Floats has grilled me good this time! Thank you for some seriously thought provoking questions, Jackie! I probably could have put more effort into answering them, but I am nursing a real nice head cold at the moment, and I'm about to drift into la la land...

1. For $20,000 would you go for 3 months without washing, brushing your teeth, and using deodorant? Assume you could not explain your reasons to anyone, and there would be no long-term effect on your career. (you are not choosing one, you would have to go without all three).

Okay, this one was hard for me... I am a very clean person and it would take an awful lot for me to even go one DAY without even one of these three things. Before I became an as close as I can possibly be to being a single parent, I would have said, "Not on your life, mister!"

Unfortunately, my financial situation is in no way good at the moment, and I would do almost anything in the world (well now, I DID say ALMOST...) to be financially comfortable right now. To not have to worry about it all the time. To not have this tangled web of confliction over so many aspects of my life because of it. Money does not buy happiness, but it sure as heck helps. Yes, I would do it. Consider yourself forewarned...

2. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?

Physically, I would most definitely say the face. Every part of it. A smile that warms me. Gentle, honest eyes. Soft, kissable lips. I am also drawn to a man with whiskers... even if it's five o'clock shadow.

More than physical, I am drawn straight to a man who is outgoing yet a little shy, confident yet humble and not the least bit arrogant or self centered. I notice a man who laughs a lot and enjoys the outdoors. Okay, I am going off on a bit of a tangent here... Sounds like an Eharmony profile... LOL

3. Do you have nightmares, or happy dreams, or are you a non dreamer?

As a child, I had the most horrifying dreams every night. They were frighteningly real and I would often wake up absolutely terrified. It was very rare that my dreams would ever be sweet...

For years following a bad accident that my girls and I were in, I had reoccuring "accident" dreams for days at a time that had me waking in a cold sweat.

And last night I had a terrible dream... It involved the school where I work and terrorists, and that is all I'm going to say about that.

Not counting last night, my dreams are now almost always pleasant. It is there that I find peace.

4. Do you believe there is a Heaven and a Hell?

Yes, I do... The answer to this question is so involved it would take an entire entry and a half to fully explain my beliefs and the reasons behind them.

5. Do you have a lot of friends, or do you consider yourself to be a loner?

I have many friends. Do I see them often? Not really... Do I socialize on a regular basis? Not hardly. Do I have people I can turn to, if I am in need of a shoulder or someone to share pieces of my life with? Absolutely. And I, in turn, am there for them as well.

I think that being an only child, I have learned over a lifetime to enjoy myself and I am very comfortable in my own company. I enjoy gatherings with close friends, but I often find that I would rather bow out and spend time alone. Not sure if this is a good thing or not. Depends on the day, I guess. There have been times in my life, when I had many friends whom I considered family. Walking in and out of each other's homes without so much as a knock was accepted and even expected. I do miss this. I've withdrawn a lot in the last few years, from social interactions and closeness. By choice. But I miss it.

Now it is your turn!

1. Leave me a comment saying "Interview me."
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your journal with a post containing your answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!

Tags: Interview, show me the money, attraction, faith, dreams, friends, Tonitags

Reflecting on "The Secret"

2007-08-27T11:52:00.000-07:00

I've always been a firm believer in the whole "everything happens for a reason" way of thinking. That what happens to us is meant to be and strategically planned out for us by God ahead of time.

Now, I'm starting to wonder...

How much of our lives is truly in our own hands? How much is actually within our control? Are we simply destined to walk the path which is laid out before us with little or no say in the matter?

Of course, there ARE things that happen to us that we have no control over.. Innocent children are abused for being children. A careless individual negligently causes a devastating accident. An illness or disease invades a body, no matter how diligently that person maintains a healthy lifestyle. War rages on...

And yet, I do believe, wholeheartedly, that it is how we face our circumstances which defines who we are.

Someone recently mentioned the book, "The Secret" to me. It wasn't the first time I had been made aware of it, but I did, for the first time, look into it. The idea behind "The Secret" greatly reflects what I am feeling now and how I so wish to continue living my life.

I'll share this piece of what I've read with you:

"The law of attraction (which is what the book itself is based on) means that everything that happens to you—good or bad—you attract to yourself. It is as if you're placing an order. If you were at a restaurant and you ordered something, you fully expect it to come served that way. That's how the universe is. You're putting out orders—consciously and unconsciously. So if you say, 'I'll never have a great relationship,' or 'I'll never find happiness,' you just placed an order."

Most of what has been on my plate lately has been overcooked, chewy and downright unhealthy...

It's time to move on.

"When you wake up in the morning, try to see the big picture in your life. Moments are what we have, and they should be treasured. Lessons don't always come easy, but they open our eyes and with any luck put what is important, into perspective. Chase the dream. Know there's hope. Believe in miracles. Even when "it" feels bad. Life is oh so good."

Thank you, Irene for sharing these words and for allowing me to share them!

Tags: The Secret, Destiny, Taking Control, Rain

Sunshine On My Shoulders...

2007-08-19T16:42:00.000-07:00

Two entries in one day is a rarity for me.

But this has been a rare day, so here I am once again...

It's a beautiful day here... Very cool, but the sun has shined through for the most part and the chill in the air has an autumn feel to it that I kind of like, quite honestly.

The girls were out of town most of the day. Their dad took them back to school shopping. Mailee had never been to the Holyoke Mall in Massachusetts, so that's where he agreed to take them. Unfortunately, the stores they visited mostly had clothes meant for a child my older daughter's age, and they didn't have a Limited Too, so she came home with just two shirts, one pair of jeans and jean capris. Well, I say 'just' but that is more than she left with this morning. And I can't forget the bathing suit she bought for her Build A Bear.... At least she didn't buy another bear. Of course, their dad would willingly walk the circumference of the earth on a rainy day for both of them, so he's offered to take them BACK out tomorrow for another day of out-of-town shopping.

Yeah, he's not sooo bad. ;o)

I enjoyed the day, quietly here, not so quietly there... Went to lunch with my mom, which was a very nice treat. I hadn't been out to eat at all since my face froze (::rolling eyes::), and I was so giddy with the aspect of having a meal prepared for me! I had french onion soup, and I didn't even wear it home when I was through.

We had a nice dinner with mom AND dad (another rarity) last evening... did I share that already? After last night's dinner and fireside chat (yummy sa'mores) mom and I sifted through some of her yard sale items that have been hanging out in the garage for too long. She had a partial chinaware set - absolutely beautiful - that she was willing to part with so that I might try to sell all or part of it on Ebay. It's Royal Doulton China, The Chatham Collection. I've searched for it online, but haven't had any luck. I figure, if someone has a partial set already and is trying to complete it... Well, it's a long shot, I know. It's very pretty, so I wouldn't be broken up to keep it myself. This is what it looks like, if you or anyone you know is interested:

It's really very unique... Each "set" of plates, cups, bowls and saucers seem to have their own story to tell. No design is exactly alike. Very pretty.

I also found a set of stoneware plates, bowls, mugs and cups and saucers that I'm keeping all to myself! I cleaned out a couple of my kitchen cupboards and made the quick change. Still using Grammy's china, though... I've been using it ever since I first unwrapped it from the attic when I moved out on my own in 1988. More sentimental value than anything else that I own.

So it's been a busy day! I enjoyed the online chat in the Journals Cafe' with a few others. That was so much fun! Would have been even nicer if more could have made it, but I was thrilled to see some familiar faces as well as meet a few new journaling friends. ::wink::

The girls were swiftly whisked away by my friend Angela for the evening... She begged and begged me to come, but I'm just not feeling up to it. She and her girls went blueberry picking and are making blueberry pancakes for dinner... I know, what the bleep is wrong with me? I'm just too tired for visiting tonight.

Holy crap... (sorry Nancy! hehe) My mom just emailed me a page from ebay that has my chinaware listed for $2,400!! I don't know much about chinaware, but that's a lot of money in my book!I don't have the whole set, but I hope someone who WANTS the whole set but doesn't have it yet will see my listing... Good heavens!

Okay, I'm starting to ramble here... Sorry folks. I think I'll be visiting here more often as time goes on. Finding a need for a better outlet in my life these days. This is a place I feel comfortable, and a lot of emotion comes pouring out of me here at times, but it's all good. Feeling is good. Life ~ is good.

Hope you all enjoy a relaxing Sunday evening!

Tags: Royal Doulton - The Chatham Collection, blueberry pancakes, rambling...

After The Storm

2007-08-19T07:31:00.000-07:00

Last week's storm brought some devastation to many folks in neighboring towns... These photos were taken yesterday afternoon along the road to my parents house. Thankfully, they themselves were spared the worst of it, and no one was injured, which was a miracle in itself. Many homes were destroyed, as well as the camper in one of the images below. Hundreds of trees were snapped in half or completely uprooted, power lines covered the roads and many were or are still without power. It was a pretty emotional drive, and sure does bring to mind what many have to endure in the wake of a major storm. This, my friends, is minor compared to some...

I've spent the last few days trying to clear my head and be free from the demons that lurk there.. There are issues that weigh heavily on my heart that are simply not for these pages, but I am finding my way, sifting through the fog and following instinct and trusting that I will be led to a more peaceful existence. Looking back, I see how silly my "From The Mirror" entry was, and if I am to be completely honest with myself, my physical appearance really has very little to do with how I perceive myself. I know that there is just so much more for me... More than I have been allowing in, which just continues to eat away at me day after day after long and drawn out day.

I know I'll feel better, once I am back to work and feeling productive and purpose driven once again. The Bell's continues it's journey through me, but I AM feeling some changes, and those changes have given me hope. Perhaps that in itself is the message....

Change, hope, renewal... and faith.

I know God will bring me through this and all things... And that makes my heart smile.

Thank you for listening and for sharing this journey with me. Thank you for bringing me along on yours.

Wishing you warmth and beauty ~ this day and always.

The Storm

2007-08-16T18:42:00.000-07:00

Going out on a limb here again, and attempting to post something new... Right around 7pm this evening, an unexpected storm blew through. The winds were crazy and rain so heavy the lights flicked on and off throughout. We even had a TORNADO warning, which is ALMOST unheard of here...

After the storm, sunset filled my livingroom with rays of gold through the open window and back door, and as night set slowly set in the sky became a vision of beauty to behold... Probably my most treasured gifts from nature's hand:

I didn't even dare touch this image in editing... I would've surely ruined it.

Just another reminder, at how beautiful life is, how beautiful WE are, and how many blessings can follow even the most treacherous of storms.

And thank you all... For your words of support and for your kindnesses. For your friendships and for your hugs. Seen and unseen, I truly do feel you all by my side. It helps, more than you'll ever know. ::smile::

From The Mirror

2007-08-15T11:29:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, it feels as though my face is melting... This has physical ramifications of course... The constant "pull" from my "good side", weighing heavily on my skin, neck and shoulders, causes an almost ceaseless ache in my neck and head. It's certainly not unbearable.. I am fully aware at how much real pain I could be in, had it been a stroke or God forbid, even worse. I take Tylenol nightly to help me sleep, and the lubricant that I was prescribed to help soothe and protect my restless eye in the night has enabled me to forego tapping it shut, which was more of a nuisance than anything else.

I'm finding, as the days go by and I am becoming used to this change in my physical appearance, that it's becoming easier for me to do the every day things, such as eat, drink, speak and so forth. This helps me to keep the focus on the hope, that slowly but surely, I will return to normal. I cannot allow myself to think that I might not.

It's the emotional ramifications of such an ordeal that are lasting in my mind... The thoughts that spring forth that have no business invading my space. If I didn't already have self esteem issues (which I did ~ many...) I most definitely have them now.

Feeling ugly on the outside is very damaging on the inside. I have never felt attractive physically, especially growing up a chubby, four-eyed, brace-faced kid. I was always the one not picked to dance and never had more than one or two boyfriends. I always loved from afar, knowing that if I made an attempt at it, I would be flat out rejected as always. These thoughts and self doubts followed me, and while I am pretty happy with myself on the inside ~ I do know that I am a good person and on my better days a good mom to my beautiful girls and I pride myself on those things ~ I am an utter wreck on the inside... And this just doesn't help matters any.

It's just hard to go out, you know? I might not look so completely dreadful, when I'm not talking or smiling, but that's just not me! When I meet someone on the street, I always smile and say hello. I am usually very outgoing and eager to chat with the lady behind the cash register, or the waiter who might candidly take our dinner order at Applebee's... But now, as soon as I open my mouth, I am immediately reminded of how awful I look by my reflection in their eyes. They smile, and try to be polite, but I can see and feel their thoughts washing over their faces, and I just want to go home and hide in my room until this is all over.

I feel unlovable. Untouchable. Unkissable. Unreachable.

Sometimes...

And then I sigh... That long, drawn out sigh, releasing those thoughts and doubts, and allow myself to look far beyond what I feel and what I see at this very moment. My hopes for the future high and alive, and I vow not to let this bring me down.

Thank you for allowing me to vent my aches and pains here today. It is hard for me, to allow myself such a release. I'm going to bury myself back in my newest read and fly away for a while.

Wishing you all a peaceful day ~ free from worry, doubts and fears.

Chelle

A Floral Touch

2007-08-14T12:06:00.000-07:00

Good afternoon, everyone! I hope you're all enjoying your Tuesday. I had attempted to upload photos of my flowers earlier using SMILEBOX without success. I really enjoy the program, and hope that eventually I will be able to figure out how to share the layouts I've created in my journal. Till then, I will continue to use the AOL layout, which does allow for a bit of variety.

It's a beautiful day here.. The sun is bright, the sky blue and the breeze gentle and refreshing. The last couple nights have really cooled down ~ low in the 50s ~ a sure sign that summer has once again flown by with the wind and that fall is just around the corner.

We spent over an hour out in the yard last evening watching the continuing shower of meteors in the night sky. The girls had never seen such a wonderous sight ~ so many streaks in short amount of time. Mailee had never even seen a shooting star, so she was absolutely THRILLED, screeching with delight at each stream of fire across the star-filled sky. She'd shout, "There's one!" and grab my arm with one hand while pointing with the other.. then snuggle up close to await the next, whispering, "I love you, mommy..." in my ear. It was one of the nicest things we've done this summer.

In close, I will share a not so great pic of our blanketed spot in the yard ~ much too dark, but I like the photo's reminder of how sometimes the most beautiful of things in life that seem so out of reach can truly be much closer than we realize, if we only choose to see.

Under My Skin..

2007-08-10T20:03:00.000-07:00

Ahhh... To be strolling along the ocean shore right about NOW.....

So the last week and a half has been challenging at times. Dealing with this Bell's Palsy crap on top of all the other stresses in my life that probably LEAD to the disorder to begin with (unless you ask my acupuncturist, who insists the WIND is the culprit!) just wasn't how I envisioned my summer coming to a close. I won't get into sharing all the worries and the fears and the tears that overcame me in my weaker moments. I'll move on with the latest news and choose to keep this particular outlook for as long as possible!

There is no change in the paralysis. Although each day, I do feel something a little different and even that varies... Whether it's my ability to relax my face when I am still, or eat without biting my lip off. The "bum" side feels bruised in some areas, and I would almost contribute this to the acupuncture treatments (which I LOVE btw...), but won't due to the fact that my "good" side is fine minus the black eye (not uncommon or unwelcome, WHATEVER WORKS!!) I am still unable to smile, blink or twitch even the slightest. It's very frustrating at times, to stare into the mirror and put all possible concentration into making those muscles move... and nothing happens.

TODAY, the change that I have felt is something I am told is a good thing. I feel like bugs are crawling under my skin. Yeah. That's right. Every few minutes it's as if a million little creepy crawlies are invading my otherwise unmoving face! This, I was told, is a sign that things are moving around from going under the needles... That it's doing its thing and helping in some way. That's all I needed to know. Bugs or no bugs ~ I wanna spit out my toothpaste like a normal person! I'm also finding speech a little easier ~ a little less tiring perhaps. Just getting used to it, I guess.

My Doctor also called me today, which was very encouraging because she basically said at my appt. last week that there's nothing really to do but wait and see. She said that after we met, she had done some research of a past case she had a few years ago, where the woman used electrical stimulation of the nerves (::winking at Nance::) along with physical therapy of the facial muscles. She is going to call and refer me to a specialist in Neurology at Dartmouth Hitchcock Memorial and hopefully squeeze me in as early as next week. My insurance will cover this, unlike the acupuncture which I have had to borrow money to pay for.

Last night, I went to a get together with some friends from work. It was EXACTLY what I needed right now. Reassurances that I am okay, that I will continue to be okay and that I am cared for by so many. We laughed and joked until my face hurt and then ate a lot and drank wine as we watched Catch and Release. After having dreaded going back to work like this, I am actually looking very forward to it now. I'm looking forward to the warmth and the love that I receive as I walk through those doors each day. These kids know me. I will use this as a learning tool... Life throws curves sometimes. Sometimes you hit, and sometimes you miss. This is so minor, so manageable in comparison to the pain and struggles so many others deal with each day. How dare I look to the stars and complain, when I am so incredibly blessed in so many countless and wonderful ways?

May your blessings be many and your troubles few... Today and always.

(thank you Donna, for the tag!)

Tags: Palsy, Acupuncture, electronic nerve therapy, creepy crawlies!!!