Wondering

I'm interested in what compels me to write ~ or not to write. There are times, when something or someone inspires me with their honesty and openness and just the IDEA of sharing my innermost thoughts with the world sounds appealing.

And then there are other times, when the whole idea makes me want to hurl.

I think about the closest of friends I see every day, and how most of them know ME, but do not necessarily know 'things' about me... what's churning inside the heart, mind and soul. Do I know them any better? Would they want me to? We can sit around a table and a meal and talk and laugh and even cry sometimes, with all we do and share. Thoughts and feelings ARE expressed and agreed with or argued over throughout the evening, but when we leave are we any closer to one another than we were the day before?

Most days, I would have to say yes. My friends really HAVE gotten to know me, especially over the last couple years and I appreciate them in ways I can't describe. I've opened up a great deal, and if anyone judges me, they do it gently.... quietly.... allowing me to be me. They understand somehow. As if I don't really NEED to explain or defend myself at all. They allow me to vent, analyze, choose this ~ then that. They watch me walk away and if they're thinking, 'wow, that chick is NUTS...' I will probably never know and they may even ask me over again sometime.

I've considered sharing my journal(s) with them. I've mentioned my online experiences: my writing, photography, etc.. But they really don't know the full extent of what I do here. And lately it hasn't been much.

I wonder what they would ~ and wouldn't ~ say.

But the wondering doesn't last long.

I'm going to start writing again... Small steps (or rather, scrolls), and more tomorrow than today. Late night decision, but a promise I've made to myself, regardless.

That's all for now.

The Plan

I've decided to go back to school.

Well, not 'back' exactly.... I never went in the first place. Graduating high school with my class in 1988 was nothing short of a miracle, and even though I was accepted at a Fine Arts college in Miami, FL (another miracle), I was sure I'd fail and disappoint my parents. I just knew that about myself back then. School wasn't my thing.

Isn't it ironic, how I ended up where I am today? Working so closely with students who would most likely say the very same thing about themselves. And at such young ages! Thankfully, we know better and know more now than they ever could have back then. I love being able to help these kids and I will miss many, MANY things about my job. But the time has come, to stop working seven days a week and stop struggling to make ends meet month after month. It'll take time, hard work and lots of self discipline. It'll mean giving up what I love because it doesn't pay the bills. It'll mean working part time instead of 45 hours a week so that I can get my degree in two years. But it will pay off ~ and we will be better off ~ in the long run.

Here's the plan:

Between fall 2010 and summer 2011, I will be taking prerequisite classes (algebra, physics and anatomy) in order to begin as a full time Associates of Science in Radiography student at a local community college in the fall of 2011. Job placement at one of our area hospitals is guaranteed upon graduating. What I'd really like, is to continue with certification in Sonography and be an ultrasound tech. That's my long term goal, but a goal, nonetheless.

I'm excited and scared and filled with hope.

And incredibly, that's just the beginning.

Well...

How unusual.

I haven't written in ~ what has it been? Months? Years? Then suddenly the urge strikes and here I am. What used to be a regular part of my online experience has all but dissolved into a distant memory. Backburnered and kept. Not forgotten but unfortunately neglected at best.

I'm not going to write about why I have or haven't written ~ and to be honest, I'm not even sure myself what that's all about. Out with the old and in with the new (Facebook being the latest 'in') has never really been my style. I've thought about writing on countless occasions.... Letting ideas twist and turn and eventually ease their way out of my thoughts and into oblivion. Life is busy. Facebook is less of a process and more of a way to connect on a simpler level, rather than to share all the juicy details that make up this life o' mine. Plus, you get to play cool games and become a fan of this and that like nobody's business and why not? Beats folding laundry ~ or airing it out to dry for all to see. Heck, some do that no matter where they cyber-dwell.

So, let's see... Where did we leave off? I haven't looked back, but I sure am looking forward, so maybe that's where my focus should be from here on out (assuming there will be more to come). I had dreams which have turned into hopes and are almost certainties. I have goals which now seem more like probabilities than possibilities, if I can just believe in myself the way others believe in me. I have priorities in (hopefully) their rightful places now, even values and morals that have been questioned (mostly by me) and reexamined and readjusted because THAT'S who I am and how and why and where the hell did I go wrong? And why for so long? Serious soul searching going on here lately.... But it's all good and real and right. As life should be. Focus, michelle. F O C U S.

Family is well and good and sometimes complicated. The girls are beautiful young ladies now... When and how and why did that happen?! They make me so proud and thankful and lucky and blessed and I love them more every day.

Still here. Still there. Still, still, still... And yet, everything is moving forward. Change is in the air. It's spring, in case you haven't noticed. And we all know what that means.

I have so much to say I don't know where to begin.

(near) Clarification

My last entry stirred up some concern and i apologize for not having explained myself or the reason behind such a post. Sometimes we FEEL things which are not exactly the way they are. i DO consider myself extremely blessed and know better than almost anyone that my life is full in countless ways, and it is never my intention to forget or lessen who and what makes that so.

Summer has officially begun (meaning, that my time at school is done and i am now on a bit more regular schedule, even if that regular schedule is somewhat irregular ~ which i know makes absolutely no sense at all. except to me). Most of today was spent cleaning and catching up on the endless pile of laundry and carpet cleaning (my cats are giving me a time of it, and i've just about drained my brain of ideas to keep them from ruining the pleasant fragrance of home). The skies have been unpredictable, so i've not dared to venture off to any lake or poolside chair. As a matter of fact, things are pretty gray out there at the moment.... Maybe we'll luck out and have a fantastic storm.

Things i've done lately:

Walked through a field of tall grass and spied a bunny, looking frightened yet extremely cute.

Saw a hundred fireflies in said field and cupped one in my hand before watching it fly away to join the others in mated bliss.

Took a friend who needed a pick-me-up out to lunch and said goodbye to those moving/retiring, etc...

Joined Ladies Workout Express ~ orientation today @ 5:30.

Made reservations at The Anchorage in York, Maine for 3 nights in August.

Started painting/writing again.


There's more, but nothing i feel a pressing need to share at the moment.

Emptiness

Something

When I discontinued the artificial sweeteners and added milk (skim) and juice (100%) back into my diet and REAL sugar in my coffee/tea , I wasn't expecting the results I've had. Zero headaches in almost three weeks. Unless you count the afternoon I had nothing but artificially sweetened iced tea in the fridge and allowed myself two tall glasses, doubting that it was really something so simple causing such horrendous aches in my head.... Regret settled in not long after.

So there's something.

Everyone needs a little something sometimes. Something to keep the mind busy with random thoughts and reasons to keep things moving in some sort of forward direction. I've been delighted to have finally figured out what was going on up there, really. The pain in my head is really gone. I can think more clearly now. FANTASTIC.

So perhaps a little added sweetness isn't always the answer.

I've been doing the Facebook thing... Finding old friends from 20 or so years ago ~ most of whom I haven't seen for an equal amount of time. It's fun, leaving little notes on each other's walls and playing absolutely POINTLESS games and quizzes just for the hell of it. There are a few folks heading this way for alumni weekend. I'll be working. And I'm thankful for that. But I also feel I'm missing out a bit. Interestingly enough (i say that a lot), I could probably meet the gang at Electra friday night after work, or join in the noontime events and meet for lunch at Salt Hill after the parade... But I won't.

Some days are better than others, aren't they? I had plans for this evening and they fell through. I was slightly irritated, but not overly surprised. It's beautiful out, and I know I should be out enjoying it. Grab a book and a cold one and head to the pool....

Now there's something.