Weekend's End

Well, we sure had a busy weekend.  I don't think we slowed down from Friday morning until now.  I won't get into it ALL, and bore you to tears, but I will tell you a few things.  Yesterday was Mai's ninth birthday.  She had a slumber party with three of her closest friends.  It went pretty well, with the acception of the drama queen of the group who was back and forth between tears and SCREAMS of laughter.  I forgot about that tidbit of slumber party piece.  It all came back to me, though.  Of course, the girl who was crying was harrassed at school by the "mean girl" who is jealous of everyone and does all she can to cause maximum damage to their little hearts.  Said mean girl to her that if she came to Mai's party that she wouldn't invite her to HER party.  This being after she announced to all the girls in her class that she would be inviting everyone to her party EXCEPT my Mailee... nice girl.  And these are 3rd graders.  Oh yes, same girl who has been harrassing since day one.  I've written of her before.  UGH!  I told my daughter, and the other girls that this was all about her being insecure and having to use power to manipulate others to make herself feel better, and that she would learn in time why it is that she doesn't get invited.  Besides the "my mom said only three" reason.

Okay, enough of that...the party went well over all!  HAPPY BIRTHDAY, my little one.  I'm so glad you want to stay little.  I'm overjoyed that you chose the Disney CD today instead of some chicky with the black bra and matching panties.  I love that you still want to be a little girl, no matter how annoying your sis thinks you are.  You are my little Mai Mai forever!!

We took a ride today, as the weather was sooo nice here in NH.  I decided to take the girls to a spot that I enjoyed during high school.  A spot that a small circle of friends and I visited after school in the spring and during summers.  Oh, that's putting it nicely.  We partied.  But WHAT memories!  We had so much fun... I didn't get into all that with the girls, but I did say how much I loved it there.  I can't believe I hadn't taken them there before.  We took off our shoes and numbed our toes for a while.  It was so beautiful.  The brook was sparkling in the sun, and babbled on a song along the rocks.  The grass was so green down around the water, and the trees all around us were so enchanting!  I wanted to go exploring, but we all had flipflops on... next time we will definetely wear sneaks, and bring the fishing poles.  And the camera! 

Things are up and down these days.... I try to just be more accepting of things and let it be.  Just as I've always done.  There have been two events in our family that have been heartbreaking and life altering.  Only two.  Some families battle so, so much more.  I often say the same things in this journal.  I guess it's because it has all remained the same for awhile and   I have to learn to thank GOD for that.  The ole' no news is good news saying is a favorite.  I hate to feel like I'm taking things for granted.  So, without wasting another moment here... I'm off to read with my birthday girl.  Good night to all of you.         

                                              Michelle

Sunday Sunset

You Are Sunset Even though you still may be young, you already feel like you've accomplished a lot in life.
And you feel free to pave your own path now, and you're not even sure where it will take you.
Maybe you'll pursue higher education in a subject you enjoy - or travel the world for a few years.
Either way, you approach life with a relaxed, open attitude. And that will take you far!

                                                 

Yes, this sounds nice.  Kind of makes me sound like an aspiring, college bound student!  HA!  Coulda, shoulda woulda...

Actually, to become certified in my position, I did have to take a few courses.  At this point in my life, my children keep me far to busy outside of work to further my career, which is and always has been fine by me.  I'm going to be 37 this year, which according to my kids is old, but I know that at some point, if I wished to go further for the sake of a better financial situation, I could.  Down the road when they are off doing their own thing and I've stopped worrying about them all the time.  Does that ever happen?  For right now though, I am quite content with where I'm at, even if I don't sound it sometimes, and don't feel it sometimes, once the sun sets over the hills, and we are all safe and well, I know what is important.  Even if they don't, and he doesn't... I do.  They will eventually, when they are grown.  He, being grown already (much older than ME even! lol) but coming from a life so very different than this, is all set in his ways.  It's gotten better over the years, but many things will always be the way they are.  I've grown accustomed, and willfully accepting of certain aspects of our marriage.  It's just different, in many ways.  But it's not bad.  It's not abusive.  Sad sometimes, but not at all horrible like so many others.  Wow...where did this all come from?!?  Dang, I do stir it up once I get in here...

We are heading back to school/work tomorrow.  We had a rather uneventful, relaxing week.  Not to many knockdowns between the girls.  We did a little of this and that, getting the soil ready out back to plant later on.  We took a day trip and visited Gramps on Friday.  While there I took them down back fishing it the river.  Tickville, I call it now.  Only one showed itself on the way home.  I had to pull over due to high power screams and kicks.  That was fun. 

I started as Cherub Choir director for our church today.  It's for kiddos age 3 to 3rd grade.  Finally got Mailee to participate and she actually enjoyed herself.  Amanda helped to, running the CD player.  We found a simple but fun tune on one of our CD's that has the vocals as well as just the intrumental, so it works out nicely.  About 10 kids came, so I had a lot of fun with them. 

Well, I better get moving and start my chicken wings.  I hope the sun comes back soon.  The warm weather we had before really spoiled us!  The sweaters came back out!!  Hope you are all well.     

                                      Michelle

                                                      

Easter Bunny Revealed...

                              

First of all, if anyone could kindly explain to me how I can get my everlovin' "skinny" journal back, please do so!  I HATE having to scroll in order to read it all, as I'm sure any reader would.

Well, the week is progressing nicely.  The weather is warming up, which is getting us outside.  It's amazing what a little fresh air will do to a person.

So, as I mentioned before, Amanda is getting older and all the more wiser, and sadly, I knew that sooner or later she would be asking about the reality of easter bunnies, fairies and jolly fat guys.  I lucked out in some ways, but it's not over yet... here is a jist of our conversation last night after her sister was busy showering.  (That's the cue right there..)

"Mom, I can I ask you a question?" 

"Of course!" (as I sit contentedly infront of my emails...)

"You have to PROMISE you'll tell the truth, though."

"Okay, I promise ~ "

"Is the Easter bunny real?" 

(pause, pause, pause...)

"Honey, I told you I was out of money after clothes shopping for you girls on Saturday.  What makes you think I could put that kind of spread on the table?!"

"MOOOOM... the truth, remember?"

(typical 12 year old :\ )

"Do you really want to know?

"Yes."

"No, he isn't real, honey."

SMILES!  I got SMILES! 

"Can I help hide the eggs next year for Mailee?"

"We'll see, but you have to promise not to tell her.  She deserves to have more years of Easter bunny visits.  Just as many as you've had.  Even if you're fighting and so mad at each other, you CAN NOT tell her."

"Okay, I promise..."

And after all, a promise is a promise.  SO, that didn't go so badly like I had envisioned.  No devastation like I had experienced.  Although, she didn't ask about the jolly fat guy, so I may be in for a real treat at some point. 

Then again, she may continue to surprise me. 

                    

Wishing you all a happy day!!           Michelle

The following is a copy of the email I sent to Cyndy tonight.  I wanted to share it with you all, as I am feeling rather unsettled about my moods and behavior lately.  Thanks for all your encouraging words.  Cherry, I knew you'd be the one to kick me in the butt!!  I fully deserved it!  THANKS! 

 

Cyndy

I was so saddened at the news of Pamela's passing....I have been such a pessimist of late, and I am shamefully saddened that I have  been taking life and love for granted lately, when so many, like Pam, have had to endure soo so much and would give (or have given) anything to have what I have.   I must pray for ability to see more than what I have been seeing.... 

Thanks for the positive messages, Cyndy!   xoxox Michelle

 

 

Rainy Days and Mondays....

I've been away for a while.  Not away physically, but just away.  I haven't had anything of real substance to write about, and we've been so busy lately, I haven't wanted to take the time to write.  I really should make the time.  When I first started this journal over a year ago, I had originally called it Time For ME.  Time for me is ever so scarce, and even in calling it that, I felt selfish.  I have often agreed with the notion that once you are a parent, your life is put on hold, and you live for your children.  Since day one, I have felt that everything I do is for my girls, and I've loved every minute of it.  I sometimes think I lost myself in this... in thinking that my only purpose in life is to be a mom.  For SO MANY YEARS I struggled with not knowing what I was meant to do in life.  I skipped out on college, even after being accepted into the International School of Fine Arts in Miami.  I honestly didn't expect to be accepted to ANY college, my grades were so atrocious.  When I did receive that letter, I was so unsure it was numbing.  I copped out of that, quite convinced I would fail for one reason or another.  Actually, I was scared shitless to leave home.  For so long, all I wanted to do was leave this area... I was a CITY girl, dang it!  Well, that just blew THAT whole charade out of the water!! 

So, I went on to finding an apartment across town with a good friend from school, and went to work at a local department store.  How fun.  I had a few odd jobs in those few years, met up with some rather unpleasant "friends" and then found my "out" in our newspaper for a live in nanny situation in Mass.  Oh, yes, I was on my way.

And I couldn't WAIT to get home.

So back I came.  More odd jobs, including singing in a popular local band while I lived on waitressing tips.  Started dating my future hubby, and POOF!  Instant family.  No more wondering what the heck I was going to do with my life.  I was going to be a mom.  I loved EVERY minute of the thought, and was so excited to be on my way into motherhood.  It was (IS) what I was meant to do.  I honestly can say, there is nothing better.  But wait... 12 years, a wedding, and another baby later, and where am I now?  Or better, WHO am I? 

Wow...this has turned into a rather telling entry.  I still love motherhood more than anything in the world.  I have already been driven to tears by my first born this morning, so perhaps that's why this entry has taken such turn.  I suppose I'm feeling unappreciated, which comes with the territory.  I am thankful for so many things, and I forget to mention that in these entries of woe is me.  We are all healthy.  We have been watched over in many instances of uncertainties and near tragedies.  We are well cared for and loved in our family.  There are some other issues not to get to far into, but they can be dealt with carefully.  We have all our senses and all our limbs. 

Still, I can feel rather poopy when I want to.  Or when I don't want to, and I just do.

I am bound and determined to turn the glum in this day around.  It's Monday for goodness sake and we have the rest of the week off to drive each other crazy.  Wish the clouds would go away.  Or that it would just storm and get it over with! 

Hope all of you who celebrated yesterday enjoyed your Easter!  Contrary to this entry, we had a beautiful day!!  Now, I better go before I get booted again, and lose this whole thing!

                                      

 

The Tuesday Two

The Tuesday Two   (Found in COURAGE.... (again!)

THIS WEEK'S TOPIC: OVER-INDULGING

QUESTION A:
When you over-indulge, what do you most often enjoy too much of? How hard have you tried to avoid over-indulging in this particular thing?

or

QUESTION B:
Consider something that you have over-indulged in before: How do you define what your limits are, and more importantly, how do you make sure you don't cross them?

Choose A or B, (indicate which question you're answering!) then either answer the question in a comment or answer it in your journal and include the link in a comment. (To be considered "first to play," a link must be to the specific entry in which you answered the question.)

Remember:choose one or the other...not both!


Alright...first of all, I want to explain that this is not an easy entry for me.  It's going to be a bit telling and quite embarrassing.  I am choosing to answer # 1. 

I have an over indulgence.  It's not drugs or alcohol.  It isn't anything that impairs my ability to function normally, at least not so apparently as, say, someone who drinks heavily.  Alcoholism DOES run in my family, quite rampantly, in fact, so perhaps this is my way of steering clear of that.  Another excuse, I suppose, just like anyone struggling with an addiction.  It's an often misunderstood addiction.  Many people, my family included, find it very hard to accept that someone could be addicted to food.  "Just don't buy the junk." I hear often.  Well, that's like telling an alcoholic to stay out of the liqour store.  I can not explain it, and won't even attempt to... it sounds ridiculous even to me.  I just can't use this public space to lay it open for you all.  I feel so weak and utterly stupid, quite frankly. 

This over indulgence doesn't happen all the time, but I will say, I struggle with it every day.  The first thing I want to do upon arriving home from work is eat.  Shortly after that, I want to eat again.  And again.  Then we have dinner, and I over eat then as well.  I snack throughout the evening, especially if we have been busy going back and forth to practices, school events, etc.  I eat when I feel stressed, lonely and bored.  It feels good.  Then, like an alcoholic with a hangover, I feel disgusting and blaaahhh.  This is called emotional or compulsive eating.  It's not very different from any other addiction, and it is destructive.  It of course causes obesity, fatigue, joint pain, diabetes, heart attacks...and not to mention what it does to ones figure. 

So, one might want to yell at me.  "CONTROL YOURSELF!!!"  One might say. 

Well, I have good days and bad...I know what I should do, not only for myself, but also my beautiful girls whom I wish NOT to pass this addiction on to.  I'm trying to focus on the lifestyle changes needed to move on with my "recovery".  Firstly, I have to find the reason for the over indulging of food.  I have to "fill" that empty space in my heart with something that can compete with the food that I want to put there.  I need to get moving.  Starting Tuesday, I will be walking with a friend 2-3 times a week.  Heck, I may even start tomorrow!  I hope I'm finally ready this time.  I'vebeen struggling with this for about 25 years!  Way too long. 

Anyway, this is my answer to this question...play along as well! 

If you dare!! 

          

Coming Clean

We have this informational email up at work in the teachers restroom!  (A great place for a good read...)  I found this today on the facts proven and unproven.  Either way, coke will clean your house for you.  Seeing that many of these are unproven, I intend to continue an occassional splurge.  Maybe it will whiten my teeth.... :-D

 

1.  The highway patrol carrying Coke to clean up blood at car accidents.  Unproven! (Help us out) If this is true, we haven't found it.
 2.  A t-bone steak will be eaten away by Coke in two days.  Unproven! (Help us out)
 3.  Clean a toilet with Coke.  Truth!  According to www.howtocleananything.com, the popular household hint guru Mary Ellen says some coke in the toilet for an hour can do the trick.
 4.  Remove stains from vitreous china.  Truth!  According to columnist Heloise.
 5.  Use Coke and a ball of aluminum foil for rust on chrome.  Truth!  According to Joey Greene's www.wackyuses.com
 6.  Clean corrosion from car battery terminals.  Truth!  This is true of a lot of carbonated beverages.
 7.  Use a Coke-soaked cloth to loosen a rusted bolt.  Truth!  According to Mary Ellen.
 8.  Use a can of Coke in a load of greasy laundry.  Truth!  According to Mary Ellen.
 9.  Dissolve a nail in 4 days in Coke.  Unproven! (Help us out)
10. Hazardous materials signs are required on trucks carrying Coke concentrate.