Ocean of Dreams
I close my eyes...
escaping
In an ocean of dreams
Along miles of soft, warm sand
I feel the waves
Crashing
Around me as the salty air
Dries on my face
For just a moment ~
Serenity...
Holds me in it's engaging spell
I awaken, shed a tear, and smile...
Everyone wonders, or has their own personal beliefs about why we exist. Some are convinced we've been here many times, possibly hundreds, living out our destiny based on karma. Others believe we have but this one chance to get it right, and then must meet our Maker at the gates and await judgment. To tell you the honest truth ~ I have no idea. Of course I WANT to believe in something.. I mean, how can we go on when the going gets tough, if we believe that it's all just science and that when it's time, that's just the END? Please do not take offense if this is your belief.. I'm just thinking, as we all do when it's quiet and soft music is playing in the background to stimulate our senses...
I suppose it's BECAUSE I believe in something without really knowing, that pushes me on when it's easier to turn and walk away. Have you seen "Steel Magnolias"? I love the part when the wise, grandmotherly lady (played brilliantly by Olympia Dukakis) says the old familiar saying, "That which does not kill us makes us stronger". It certainly rings true during times of trouble, when all that surrounds you is sorrow. It may last a day. Perhaps a month. Maybe even a year. Or God forbid ~ an entire lifetime. Someone may have a debilitating illness, or chronic physical pain that robs them blind of their dignity and self worth. Others may suffer in abusive relationships at the hands of a spouse, or a parent who uses drugs. Quietly, others may simply suffer for seemingly no reason at all, as they battle with a depression that slowly eats away at their self worth.... now, wait... This isn't meant to be a sad entry. On the contrary, it's meant as a reminder.. To myself. To anyone reading this.
Pain seems to tear at your heart, and yet it is really helping it to grow and become stronger. I'm not sure where this is coming from... I certainly don't feel that strongly about pain being a "positive" aspect of life, and I do not wish to minimize anyone's suffering, because we all have it... Why? Well, I have to believe that it prepares us. Tests us. Pushes us. To stand up and fight. And when someone is told they have cancer, and they say "NO" and vow to fight, it means something.. whether they beat it, or not.
There are many shadows over our sunny days. Some are as small as the tiniest pebble, others can seem as enormous as the sky.
There will be days in all our lives, where walking away may seem like the easiest thing to do. When the battle just seems too overwhelming to be fought, and trying to swim upstream is just simply too tiring... I urge you to swim on. Or better yet, step out of the current for a moment or two, and check out the reflection... it may be more beautiful in the grand scheme of things than you have been allowing yourself to see.
If I can hold on to this thought for more than a day, I'll be doing alright! Thanks for being part of the journey.
I've decided to repost this photo. I deleted the entry I had originally posted it in after Journals Editor Joe informed me that the reason my journal was so wide was because of the Horoscope header that I had in that particular entry was too many pixels... (THANKS JOE!)
The reason I'm sharing it again is simply that I love it. I do not have a gift for photographing or capturing great beauty, but when I got home from the balloon festival and loaded my pics on the pc, I was really happy with this photo... it's easy to gaze into the sunset and simply float away. Something I have been neglecting to do as of late. Maybe I will make this my desktop photo as a daily reminder. Better yet, I could simply look right now out my window...
Today was better than yesterday, though still struggled at times with various thoughts and emotions. I'm better this evening, so I suppose I should be grateful that I can snap out of it for moments here and there. If it was ongoing, I'd know I would need to do something... I'm also realizing that a part of this may even be the Thyroid disease that I have. I'm on a very high dose of Synthroid to keep my levels low so that my hypothyroid stays in control. When I slack on taking it, even for a couple days, my levels soar to over 30. The worst it's been is 48, which I know I've mentioned here before normal is between 3.5 and 5. but it's something I have to really watch. And I haven't been.
Anyway, today has been somewhat better, and I'm okay about last night's entry. My journal is called Reflections because there are many things to reflect upon in my life. As in everyone's life. The key is to not miss a single one. It's all part of what we need to see to move on. Sometimes it's hard to look at, hard to face... but truth, it's there staring back at us. At me. At you.
A HEARTFELT THANK YOU, for all who commented here and emailed me personally. I am truly blessed to have all of you as friends.
Michelle
This following post will not be fun, so if you're weak and weary from your own long and trying day, you may want to pass right on by to your next journal alert...
I've been aching to write lately, and I haven't wanted to put pen to paper, and yet, I haven't wanted to burden anyone (that means you) with my trivial troubles anymore than I already have. What I've decided is that instead of trying ~as I have been~ to post about sunny days and chipper strolls along the lakeside (which help, but don't make the problems go away), I'm going to open up a bit, in this public place. Sort of throw myself at the mercy of the cybergods and pray that anyone reading this will be a non-judgemental sort of heart, and remember that I'm only human.
And right away, panic sets in and I want to delete, run, and hide myself under my bed covers... I've opened up a bit here and there, never coming right out and saying EXACTLY what's on my mind, and yet revealing just enough to give one a basic understanding of the fact that I have issues. Don't we all? I mean, does it take tragedy to strike a person down for them to feel like they are unable to stand up? It's very interesting really, I have had some very serious issues, ones I can never share, that carved deep holes in my heart. I dealt with those obvious issues head freaking on... took complete control when I felt utterly out of control. Others were depending on me to do just that and I did it, hands down. Why then, when all seems so rosy on the outside, and nothing in particular is striking me down, am I feeling so low?
And then there are words. Powerful, meaningful words, that can make or break a smile. Words that can make you shiver with fright, and many that heal and spread warmth. It's amazing, the way it can happen, as it did tonight with a close family member... that I can be completely in place, the way I know I should be, and one simple sentence dissolves me into a puddle. Only to quickly be wiped dry with a damp back hand and shaken off so that little innocent eyes don't have to see.
And yet, they know. I know they know, becauseI can see it in their eyes when they think I'm not looking. I know because it's obvious in their outbursts and their reactions to me that they see right through me. This is what saddens me the most, is that they feel it, too. I never, ever wanted or want them to feel pain. Yes, they will have their own pain, but to feel MINE? How unfair is that?!? I have always known that I would not be able to give them the kind of childhood I would have wanted them to have. Oh sure, I do as much as I humanly can to make sure that their lives are as normal and happy as I possibly can. ANd you may wish to judge me at this moment, because of so many children out there who are suffering and hurting, and hungry and crying... I KNOW THIS, and that's what makes it even all the more shameful for me to feel this way. I'm CONSTANTLY saying, "look for the positives... be happy with all that you are blessed with..." when in reality, I'm only trying to drill those same words into my own head. I swear, someday I will lose it. I will lose what I have taken for granted all this time. So why can't I stop my heart from hurting so?
I'm giving no specifics, and you are surely thinking I am a complete nut job and I'm expecting a swift kick in the rear from many of you. No one is happy all the time... I understand. And I know that if I started praying a little more regularly, and doing it right, I might find some guidance in Him. I haven't really put things in His hands lately, the way that I probably should. And yet, I've been doing it for years, and expecting some sort of answer, when I am quite sure that the answer is right here... here inside of this heart. I have to search harder. I must find it. Before it's too late.
So on that bummer of a note, I bid you all good evening, and hope I haven't discouraged any of you from coming back. You all know that I do manage to post on not so dreary days.... Hope the sun is shining on all of you over the weekend.
"Wild flowers felt good beneath my feet
The wind blew tangles in my hair..."
My journal is all messed up again... probably due to putting my own photos in ~ it's so irritating to have to scroll over to read! Oh well... I've been wanting to post more of my own photos to go with entries, so maybe if I keep experimenting, something will click. If not, happy scrolling, and I hope you'll stick it out with me while I learn!
We went to an annual balloon festival over the weekend. It's such a thrill to see all of them inflate and go off one by one into the sunset. The sunset photo in my last entry is actually from that evening as well. It was truly a beautiful sight.
Wishing you all a pleasant week!
The sun has returned... hopefully to stay for a long visit. We had a passing shower today, but it went on about it's business. It was a heavy downfall, so the kids in kindergarten all got a huge laugh out of it. It's amazing what will set their little hearts a blaze!
Thank you all for your prayers and kindness regarding my brother in law's passing. I neglected to mention that he leaves behind a beautiful wife and three young children, so they need those prayers more than ever.
Only two and a half more days of school... but who's counting?
Really, though... this year has simply flown by. It's been the most fun I've had in the six years I've been at this school, and I will miss many faces over the summer. Things are very hectic right now. Today I finally got in to meet with our principal and spend and hour going over paperwork and information to become recertified by the state. Glad that part is over, now I can rest a bit easier. We also had our all school performance (teachers included) to honor our principal, as she is retiring after this year. Our Opera House holds 800 people and it was filled all the way up to half of the balacony. We all sang our hearts out, and my little kinder girlie was a huge star... I honestly didn't know if she'd make it up there once she saw all those people! She scares very easily.. but she did it and I was extremely proud of her. (My daughter's class sang a beautiful song as well, and did sign language to it and everyone was crying... :::SNIFF:::) So it was a major event after a LOT of hard work and rehearsals. Thank goodness the weather held out!
So it's almost time to wind down... almost time to take a deep breath and just "be still". School is just about over. Softball is over. Back to working part time for a while.... I can handle it. REALLY, don't worry about ME! hehe. I'll just get some much needed therapy on the beach, listening to the waves crash as boats sputter by... it'll be okay...
Wishing you all a happy day with many more to come! Michelle
Today has been a sad day, for a mixture of reasons... the only one I'm going to mention here is the one that lies heaviest upon my heart. We found out late in the night that my brother in law, only 45 years old, passed away on Thursday... on the anniversary of my father in law's death. It appears he had a heart attack, but at the moment it is really uncertain. Unfortunately, that whole side of our family is on the west coast, and we are unable to be there to offer a hug or a shoulder. I can only offer mine to my husband and my girls, who are very sad to have lost their uncle who they have barely gotten to know. We had planned taking the girls to visit their family out in LA this August.. nothing set in stone, though, so I believe now their father will be traveling out on his own. I just don't want to put them through another griefstricken week when they just went through Nana's death. It would be so hard for them, especially Mailee, who feels every emotion as deeply as her mother, and cried for days about Nana. She really never knew him, and hasn't spent time with her uncles and aunt since she was a baby. Maybe I'm not making the right choice, perhaps it's selfish, but I just want to keep them home with me...
I don't have a lot more to say today. It's been tough on many levels, and I just wanted to post this for now.
"Live each day as if it were your last, because someday it will be..."
This Entry Brought to You By The Letter "M"
Blogger John Scalzi asks us to post an entry with a photo starring the letter M. I found a few, not so very good photos, but I'm looking for something different to write about, so please forgive...
Mandy, Mailee, and Mickey Mouse (Disney World 2005)
Manatee (Don't go into the light....)
My friend Barb has two very inspiring journals: Hey, Let's Talk, and Hope For Today. She has been a favorite read of mine for quite some time... she writes uplifting, thought provoking, and sensitive entries... some centering quietly around God, and his power in our lives, and some centering around life. Or love.
Her latest entry was especially inspiring to me today. I wanted to one, link you there: http://journals.aol.com/barbpinion/HOPEFORTODAY/entries/36/ and two, touch on the subject myself.
I often forget, in this busy life, to stop and just let myself be still. Okay, so every day, I do take a moment here and there to "be still" and feel at peace. But to really take more than just a moment in time. Feeling at peace, and feeling God's love, and letting all my worries just slip away into His hands.. I have to admit, I usually save this for Sunday mornings... mostly my prayers are those of thanks. I don't feel right if I don't say thank you, for keeping my family safe, healthy and comfortable. Taking even more time to "be still" seems almost inappropriate!
But it's a necessity, isn't it? We all need to take the time, no matter what your thoughts are on the Holy Spirit, if any. It's not only for those who pray. Being still is for anyone who wishes to feel a quiet, peaceful moment in solitude, to just BE. There are a number of ways of understanding what it is that we should do, or be, or feel... when there is doubt, or indecision. It can be felt in the gentle wind....or heard in the soft cry of a mourning dove. It can be whispered in the crickets' song... or seen in the stars. Go now, and take the time to be still.
I also want to thank everyone of you who left such wonderful, thoughtful comments in my last entry. I am truly blessed to have all of you as friends in MY life! Wishing you a fabulous day full of love, happiness, and PEACE!
"What if it turns out that a life isn't defined by who you belong to or where you came from, by what you wished for or whom you've lost, but instead by the moments you spend getting from each of these places to the next?" Jodi Picoult Vanishing Acts
I got this from Penny, who got it from Betty who got it from her friend Fran!
Some people are expecting the end of the world tomorrow -- since it will be June 6, 2006. (6.6.6)
I think this is just plain silly -- but it does bring up something that isn't acted on enough in our busy lives... IF tomorrow were the last day of the world:
1) What do you want to be remembered for?
I have not had great success stories in my life. Nothing I am overly proud of inparticular... I have looked the other way on more than one occasion when given the chance to do something meaningful, out of fear of failure, or something else. But the one thing that will forever stand true about me is that I put my children first before anything else, and that I am entirely devoted to being a good mom to them. Of course, I make mistakes like any mom will, but I am never afraid to admit it, or teach them the value of an apology.
2) What would you wish you would have done?
Bear with me on this one: I wish I would have taken more time to smell the roses. It always seems to be "hurry, and hurry up now, before we are late!!" I also wish I had worked harder in school so my 6th grader wouldn't make me feel so inferior!!! I wish I hadn't fought with my dad every single day during my teenage years. I wish I hadn't veered off down a destructive teenage path, even though I learned from it. I wish I had listened to my heart.
I wish Ihad waited...
Michelle
~Spirit, spirit of gentleness... Blow through the wilderness, calling and free. Spirit, spirit of restlessness. Stir me from placidness.
Wind, wind on the sea.
You moved on the waters, You called to the deep, Then You coaxed up the mountains. From the valley of sleep, And over the eons You called to each thing, "A wake from your slumbers and rise on your wings." ~
This is a familiar hymn, sung often in churches throughout. It happens to be one of my favorites, and singing it during our morning service today lifted my spirits.
I want to mention two significant accomplishments my girls have made recently. Today Mailee recieved her bible, a yearly tradition at the end of the church school year, when all 3rd graders recieve their bibles. It's been a rather difficult year for her to remain positive about her faith and getting her to go to Sunday school is no easy task. (Although once she is there, she enjoys it and is learning much about Jesus and the bible stories) She was very proud to recieve her bible today, a new, child oriented version, and is taking time to read as her heart moves her to.
Amanda, while she has had a somewhat trying year with this particular teacher (first time for everything), was accepted into the Advanced Placement math program for next year in the jr. high. This class is for very highly qualified students, with only a select few being chosen. Considering she was sick and not there for the review of material being presented on the test, for her to be selected is quite and honor and I am very proud of her!
Just a few highlights in our day, and hope you are all having highlights in your's as well.
She ran...
When she ran to him, he slowed and stood before her... she fell to her knees and clung to him, desperately holding on, for fear of the dark night. He held firmly, yet gently... knowing how fragile she was and it was as if the world had stopped spinning just for that one moment in time. He knelt to her and held her face with the silk of his hands and kissed her delicate tears. "Here, you are safe..." and she knew. She knew with all of her entire being that it was so.
Then she pushed.
She pushed so hard that the birds of the night took flight, and the angels cried, "NO!"
The crickets played, the stars danced, and the trees ~ they laughed in the shadows of the moon.
And still she ran.
First of all, a quick update: Amanda is on the mend with some good cough medicine and antibiotics, which hopefully will help if in fact what she has is bacterial. They think it's probable that she has walking pneumonia... at least the walking part is good. Also recieved a very positive email from her teacher, so hopefully she will be able to return to school soon and make up her missed work. I was glad to return to work today, as it was our school's field day. It was extremely hot and humid, but I was deemed "Picture Taker" so I had a very easy and enjoyable job!!
SOOOO, I thought I might post a Thursday Thirteen, for lack of something more profound to offer you.
It's a list of my thirteen favorite movies, not in any particular order... as you'll see, I'm a drama queen!
1. On Golden Pond
2. Legends of the Fall
3. Joy Luck Club
4. Dead Poet's Society
5. Titanic
6. Narnia
7. Steel Magnolias
8. North Country
9. The Notebook
10. Gorillas in the Mist
11. Mr. Holland's Opus
12. Dances With Wolves
13. When A Man Loves A Woman
I have soo many more favorites. Share some of yours with me!
Wishing you all miles and piles of smiles....
