Wondering

I'm interested in what compels me to write ~ or not to write. There are times, when something or someone inspires me with their honesty and openness and just the IDEA of sharing my innermost thoughts with the world sounds appealing.

And then there are other times, when the whole idea makes me want to hurl.

I think about the closest of friends I see every day, and how most of them know ME, but do not necessarily know 'things' about me... what's churning inside the heart, mind and soul. Do I know them any better? Would they want me to? We can sit around a table and a meal and talk and laugh and even cry sometimes, with all we do and share. Thoughts and feelings ARE expressed and agreed with or argued over throughout the evening, but when we leave are we any closer to one another than we were the day before?

Most days, I would have to say yes. My friends really HAVE gotten to know me, especially over the last couple years and I appreciate them in ways I can't describe. I've opened up a great deal, and if anyone judges me, they do it gently.... quietly.... allowing me to be me. They understand somehow. As if I don't really NEED to explain or defend myself at all. They allow me to vent, analyze, choose this ~ then that. They watch me walk away and if they're thinking, 'wow, that chick is NUTS...' I will probably never know and they may even ask me over again sometime.

I've considered sharing my journal(s) with them. I've mentioned my online experiences: my writing, photography, etc.. But they really don't know the full extent of what I do here. And lately it hasn't been much.

I wonder what they would ~ and wouldn't ~ say.

But the wondering doesn't last long.

I'm going to start writing again... Small steps (or rather, scrolls), and more tomorrow than today. Late night decision, but a promise I've made to myself, regardless.

That's all for now.

The Plan

I've decided to go back to school.

Well, not 'back' exactly.... I never went in the first place. Graduating high school with my class in 1988 was nothing short of a miracle, and even though I was accepted at a Fine Arts college in Miami, FL (another miracle), I was sure I'd fail and disappoint my parents. I just knew that about myself back then. School wasn't my thing.

Isn't it ironic, how I ended up where I am today? Working so closely with students who would most likely say the very same thing about themselves. And at such young ages! Thankfully, we know better and know more now than they ever could have back then. I love being able to help these kids and I will miss many, MANY things about my job. But the time has come, to stop working seven days a week and stop struggling to make ends meet month after month. It'll take time, hard work and lots of self discipline. It'll mean giving up what I love because it doesn't pay the bills. It'll mean working part time instead of 45 hours a week so that I can get my degree in two years. But it will pay off ~ and we will be better off ~ in the long run.

Here's the plan:

Between fall 2010 and summer 2011, I will be taking prerequisite classes (algebra, physics and anatomy) in order to begin as a full time Associates of Science in Radiography student at a local community college in the fall of 2011. Job placement at one of our area hospitals is guaranteed upon graduating. What I'd really like, is to continue with certification in Sonography and be an ultrasound tech. That's my long term goal, but a goal, nonetheless.

I'm excited and scared and filled with hope.

And incredibly, that's just the beginning.

Well...

How unusual.

I haven't written in ~ what has it been? Months? Years? Then suddenly the urge strikes and here I am. What used to be a regular part of my online experience has all but dissolved into a distant memory. Backburnered and kept. Not forgotten but unfortunately neglected at best.

I'm not going to write about why I have or haven't written ~ and to be honest, I'm not even sure myself what that's all about. Out with the old and in with the new (Facebook being the latest 'in') has never really been my style. I've thought about writing on countless occasions.... Letting ideas twist and turn and eventually ease their way out of my thoughts and into oblivion. Life is busy. Facebook is less of a process and more of a way to connect on a simpler level, rather than to share all the juicy details that make up this life o' mine. Plus, you get to play cool games and become a fan of this and that like nobody's business and why not? Beats folding laundry ~ or airing it out to dry for all to see. Heck, some do that no matter where they cyber-dwell.

So, let's see... Where did we leave off? I haven't looked back, but I sure am looking forward, so maybe that's where my focus should be from here on out (assuming there will be more to come). I had dreams which have turned into hopes and are almost certainties. I have goals which now seem more like probabilities than possibilities, if I can just believe in myself the way others believe in me. I have priorities in (hopefully) their rightful places now, even values and morals that have been questioned (mostly by me) and reexamined and readjusted because THAT'S who I am and how and why and where the hell did I go wrong? And why for so long? Serious soul searching going on here lately.... But it's all good and real and right. As life should be. Focus, michelle. F O C U S.

Family is well and good and sometimes complicated. The girls are beautiful young ladies now... When and how and why did that happen?! They make me so proud and thankful and lucky and blessed and I love them more every day.

Still here. Still there. Still, still, still... And yet, everything is moving forward. Change is in the air. It's spring, in case you haven't noticed. And we all know what that means.

I have so much to say I don't know where to begin.

(near) Clarification

My last entry stirred up some concern and i apologize for not having explained myself or the reason behind such a post. Sometimes we FEEL things which are not exactly the way they are. i DO consider myself extremely blessed and know better than almost anyone that my life is full in countless ways, and it is never my intention to forget or lessen who and what makes that so.

Summer has officially begun (meaning, that my time at school is done and i am now on a bit more regular schedule, even if that regular schedule is somewhat irregular ~ which i know makes absolutely no sense at all. except to me). Most of today was spent cleaning and catching up on the endless pile of laundry and carpet cleaning (my cats are giving me a time of it, and i've just about drained my brain of ideas to keep them from ruining the pleasant fragrance of home). The skies have been unpredictable, so i've not dared to venture off to any lake or poolside chair. As a matter of fact, things are pretty gray out there at the moment.... Maybe we'll luck out and have a fantastic storm.

Things i've done lately:

Walked through a field of tall grass and spied a bunny, looking frightened yet extremely cute.

Saw a hundred fireflies in said field and cupped one in my hand before watching it fly away to join the others in mated bliss.

Took a friend who needed a pick-me-up out to lunch and said goodbye to those moving/retiring, etc...

Joined Ladies Workout Express ~ orientation today @ 5:30.

Made reservations at The Anchorage in York, Maine for 3 nights in August.

Started painting/writing again.


There's more, but nothing i feel a pressing need to share at the moment.

Emptiness

Something

When I discontinued the artificial sweeteners and added milk (skim) and juice (100%) back into my diet and REAL sugar in my coffee/tea , I wasn't expecting the results I've had. Zero headaches in almost three weeks. Unless you count the afternoon I had nothing but artificially sweetened iced tea in the fridge and allowed myself two tall glasses, doubting that it was really something so simple causing such horrendous aches in my head.... Regret settled in not long after.

So there's something.

Everyone needs a little something sometimes. Something to keep the mind busy with random thoughts and reasons to keep things moving in some sort of forward direction. I've been delighted to have finally figured out what was going on up there, really. The pain in my head is really gone. I can think more clearly now. FANTASTIC.

So perhaps a little added sweetness isn't always the answer.

I've been doing the Facebook thing... Finding old friends from 20 or so years ago ~ most of whom I haven't seen for an equal amount of time. It's fun, leaving little notes on each other's walls and playing absolutely POINTLESS games and quizzes just for the hell of it. There are a few folks heading this way for alumni weekend. I'll be working. And I'm thankful for that. But I also feel I'm missing out a bit. Interestingly enough (i say that a lot), I could probably meet the gang at Electra friday night after work, or join in the noontime events and meet for lunch at Salt Hill after the parade... But I won't.

Some days are better than others, aren't they? I had plans for this evening and they fell through. I was slightly irritated, but not overly surprised. It's beautiful out, and I know I should be out enjoying it. Grab a book and a cold one and head to the pool....

Now there's something.

Oh, My Aching Head...

I've been dealing with chronic headache pain for about two months now. At times, an advil or two can dull or even wipe out the ache in a matter of minutes.

Then are the times when no matter what I take it's simply no use and I am quite sure I could put a hammer through my head and it would only feel better.

Thankfully, I've misplaced my hammer... Also, that such moments are fairly few and far between.

Years ago, I had a friend drive me to the ER for a headache which might have been classified as a migraine. The pain was debilitating ~ and to this day, I've never felt anything quite like it again. I could not move my head without it feeling as if there was some sort of twisted metal grinding in my brains. The doctor looked at me as if I were some sort of hypochondriac and all but told me to suck it up. I burst into tears right then and there and walked out. Needless to say, I haven't been in any big hurry to repeat that experience.

Until today, I have attributed my headaches to minor stress related issues, or perhaps a change in sleep patterns and/or pillows. I've also taken into consideration that I am always "stuffed up" and have been trying out different allergy meds to see if there's a connection. All to no avail.

I arrived at my weekend job this afternoon and my boss asked me how I was feeling (she knew of my recent illnesses and was concerned ~ couldn't ask for a better boss, to be honest). We chatted a bit and she brought up something that I hadn't even considered, and it was as if the culprit himself walked right up and slapped me upside the head.

Artificial sweeteners.

I've been dieting for a couple months. Trying a few different things and working hard to get back down to the weight I was when I'd lost the most, and hopefully continuing on from there. Interestingly enough, I realized that other than coffee and tea, I've consumed nothing BUT artificially sweetened beverages (flavored water, "tea to go", crystal light, etc...) for the past two months! Even in my coffee and tea, I've used mostly Splenda with an occasional sugar splurge here and there.

So perhaps I have an answer. Or, at the very least, another possibility. So starting now, it's 100% fruit juice and, my personal favorite of all bottled drinks ~ Diet Fuze, which is all natural.

I'm pretty sure my readership has dwindled to one or two loyal friends, but I'm wondering if anyone else has had similar experiences with headaches or side effects from artificial sweeteners. If not you (which I sincerely hope is the case), perhaps someone you know?

Will continue posting.... Again, it's been far too long.

The Final Rose ~ The Heart Gets In The Way

I did something really foolish.

I had my cable turned back on.

Every so often, I'll realize how ridiculous it is to be paying the same amount to keep my electric running as it is to keep my TV going.... I've been rather content for the past few months, not to have that hefty cable bill delivered to my mailbox. Not only that, but it sure is a lot more peaceful in the house without that background noise. Noise that I'm hearing right now, as a matter of fact. Just because.

So the first show I happened to actually watch rather than just listen to had to be The Bachelor. The final rose episode, of course... When after weeks of living with all these women and dumping one or more week after week, he finally makes that fateful decision between the two women he's chosen as his final two. Heart-wrenching shit, let me tell ya...

Seriously.

I cried like a baby, and I'm not ashamed to say it. I mean I AM ashamed to say that I cried over such a sensationalistic show. However, I'm NOT ashamed to say that I cried because , well, I'm an emotional woman after all and a good cry can lead to resolving internal issues and can cleanse a soul. At least that's what I've always been told.

Interestingly enough, the man changed his mind. I mean, really. He THINKS he's chosen "the one", you know? Sure as the sky is blue, he made the right decision at the time. Then life.... Well, we all know about life and what THAT can do...

So he breaks things off with his first choice and breaks her heart much in the same way he broke the other lady's heart the first time around. And THEN, tells the other woman in front of the entire world, that he made a mistake, loves and has always loved her, and wants another chance. Of course, her feelings have never changed because, well, she had fallen in love with him as it was. And those sort of feelings don't just stop overnight. Or at all, from my experience.

So, when do we know? I mean really. People fall in and out of love every day. Following your heart one way on this day, may mean following it in an entirely different direction the next. Not even days... sometimes months or even years go by before our hearts lead us in directions and to places we'd never imagined or thought of or realized existed. When the heart gets in the way of all that we know, all that we THINK we know ~ it can shake us to the core. It can also lead to happiness beyond anything we've ever known. Exciting? Fulfilling? Terrifying? All the above. Just do it. Don't let yourself get so caught up in the have to's and the must do's, or the why's and how's. Just love. Just live. Life offers no second chances. Just follow.

Coming Around Again

So here I am, almost three months since my last confession... err.. I mean, reflection... and I don't even know where to begin. I DO know, that I miss writing. I've been doing so little of it lately, be it journaling, letter writing or what have you... It's almost to the point where it feels unnatural. Which is frustrating in and of itself, because I USED to find it the most natural, easiest way to express myself. Where did that go?

Pen in hand isn't any easier, believe me. I've received several letters, cards, etc., over the past year, and those of you who haven't heard from me in return are probably wondering why you bothered at all. Lucky for me, I have beautiful friends with the kindest of hearts and know that I'm easily forgiven. Knowing that doesn't make me any less irritated with myself, though.

And so it goes...

Life, is good. My heart is damn near full and my darling little angels aren't nearly as little, angelic OR darling as they once were. But they both ARE very much maturing into wonderful, more-often-than-not well adjusted, beautiful young people...

I've taken on a second job, which has been more of a blessing than a burden, even with the added time away from my family. Weekends are a must, but the four to five hour shifts go by rather quickly and, more importantly, I've a little more income to dig into when the wolf comes a'howling.

Funny, though ~ There doesn't seem to be a whole lot to share about the past several months. My life journey continues as a whirlwind of sorts... Climbing higher than i'd ever imagined until it seems there is nothing left to dream of and no place else to land one minute, to plunging head first into circumstance and consequence the next.

We live. We love. We learn.

Till we meet again....

It's been far too long since I've visited these pages. Oh, I know I always grumble about not having enough time, or having too many other things on my plate. But since when did writing become a chore, rather than a pleasure? I may not have a whole lot to say or to share, but I've almost forgotten how to simply write for myself. I miss allowing myself that freedom. That expressive outlet. But where did it go? And why? No one took it from me. In fact, some have expressed concern about why I haven't been writing, and how things have been going in my life since my last entry. I had a blog-scare a few weeks ago, when someone emailed me to say Reflections had disappeared! Oh, how I scrambled to find my beloved pages and thankfully, here it sat ~ unscathed but nearly yellowed with age and painful neglect.

Okay, so that may be a slight exaggeration, but still...

Thanksgiving is tomorrow, and the girls and I will be spending it with mom and dad. It's always a quiet and peaceful time for us. Especially now that the girls are older. Dad will be out hunting in the morning, and mom will have done all the prepping by the time we arrive. I'm bringing the dinner rolls and cranberry sauce, but mom takes pride in preparing elaborate holiday dinners, just like her mom, my nana, always did. I know better now, than to ask if I can help. I usually get asked to set the table....

So there are many things I'm thankful for, and I mentioned "blessings" in my sister journal, More Than Words. I thought I'd list a few of them here, in case I find myself forgetting in another day or two.

I'm thankful to God, for His love and guidance. For my beautiful daughters and for the joy they bring to my life. I am thankful they are healthy and happy and both doing well in school. I'm thankful for their father, who gives them more of what they WANT than I ever could, but also for his support for the things they need as well.

I'm thankful for my parents and for the strength they inspire me to find when the going gets tough. I'm thankful for their support in all I do, and for their patience as they watch their daughter continue to struggle to find her way in life, and in love.

I'm thankful for my beloved grandfather, my gramps. Who strives to make every single day count for something, no matter how difficult that day may be. I may not take the time to tell you as often as I should, but I love you.

I'm thankful for my friends. For those who are near ~ who care so much about me that I never have to worry about where to turn in times of need. And for those not so near in miles, but are as close as those I see each and every day ~ and sometimes closer.

I am thankful for the beauty of the earth and all it's creatures. For the gifts that the sky itself brings each and every day and night. For the warmth of the sun and for newly fallen snow. For the scenes and scents of every season, and for the peace that each one brings.




And I am thankful, for YOU.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Blessed

I haven't much time, but wanted to update you all on my good fortune.

The ultrasound went very well.  I have a cluster of cysts which, on the screen, looked mammoth in size.  But they are all fluid filled and pretty harmless.  Unless they become uncomfortable for me (and at times, they HAVE been ~ just not enough to be overly concerned) we will simply keep watch of them and leave them be otherwise. 

I finally told the girls about what was going on.  I'd kept it to myself mostly, telling only a few close friends and family members and then, of course, sharing it here with all of you.  I decided it was good for them to know, and although they weren't all that appreciative for the unsolicited advice about getting to know their own bodies, they were relieved to know it had turned out to be nothing.  And I was thankful they did not hold it against me for not telling them sooner. 

Thank you all, for prayers, good thoughts and encouraging words.  I am truly blessed.

 

 

I'm not a "look at me" kind of person.  I share about myself because I want YOU to share about you, and to me, friendship is about just that:  sharing of life.  When someone I care about is relaying information or sharing an experience, I'm not the sort of person that will say, "Yeah, but listen to what happened to ME today...".  Instead, I might say something like, "I understand from a certain stand point, because I've been through something similar..." and so on and so on.  Not because I think I understand what someone else is going through, because we're all different ~ but because i like to find as many ways to relate with someone as possible. 

I've had a lot of support lately, from women that are somewhat close to me who have been where I am right now ~ wondering (when allowing the mind to go there), worrying, scheduling, waiting....  It's nice, really.  When we're uncertain about something, we seek to understand better in some way.  When I was going through the Bell's Palsy I did that.  I sought others who could share with me their own experience.  I researched the disorder on all sorts of sites.  I found YouTube videos that those suffering through it had made as a way of reaching out and I appreciated their courage and willingness to putting the ugliness of BP aside, to help others. 

I don't know why this is so hard for me to talk about.  I do want to write about it, explore my feelings and my fears, as well as examine what is more likely and most probable.  And yet, I hesitate.  I worry, that others will think I am overreacting, or looking for attention, or revealing too much.  I also don't wish to worry or upset anyone, especially those closest to me (who understand my good intentions), by having my thoughts and fears wash over onto them. 

::sigh::

I have a private journal (group) that I am part of, but I've never written in it.  I've tried to be a support, to those who DO choose to write.  But for some reason, I want all my words to be here.  So what, if I eat them someday? 

I don't even know for sure when it was that I felt the lump.  I just know that moments before I was to have my yearly exam in early August, I thought it might be worth mentioning. 

She told me not to tell her where, and when she did the exam, she found it on her own (which she later denied, after not having passed along the appropriate information to the hospital and being questioned).  Afterwards, she drew a small diagram on a piece of paper, showing where it was by darkening the area in pen (a new drawing, without the marking, was later placed in my file, making it look as though nothing was there).  She said that it didn't immediately alarm her, but that she would like me to have a mammogram to "keep a watch of it" and rule anything out.  So, before leaving, an appointment was made for the following Thursday. 

Even though no information was passed on as it should have been, the woman performing the mammogram asked to feel my lump ~ which she did (thank God, otherwise I would have felt like a complete ass), mark it and take the appropriate number of slides which is about twice the norm for a routine mammo (which is what I was told, since this was my first one).

I was called back and asked to come in for an ultrasound (which is not uncommon for a lump) on Monday and then the following day will see a surgeon to go over the results and decide what if any action to take.  I was told that I would not leave the day of the ultrasound with any questions left unanswered. 

Okay, so part of me is completely freaking out, when I allow my thoughts to go there....  Which is NOT often, and probably why writing about it is a little difficult.  The unimaginable, put in black and white ~ and I can't even force myself to write any further in that direction.

BUT, the better, smarter part of me says it's nothing.  I have no breast cancer in my family history.  I am not high risk. I feel good, physically, for the most part.  It's the sort of lump that says "cyst" (yes, my lump talks to me..... lol). 

So this is on my mind some lately ~ though not overwhelmingly so.  I will know more by Monday afternoon and I look forward to writing again and telling you how silly I was with all my fears and anxieties.  Even while I am feeling quite positive that it's all good anyway....

::exhaling::

 

P.S.  The Bell's has improved.  I now only deal with a long term affect called Synkinesis , which is when the nerves of the eye and mouth are crossed.  Meaning, when I move my mouth or tighten it in any way, my eye closes.  Cool, huh?

;oP

 

 

 

 

 

 

Change

The changing of a season always brings about a certain degree of thoughtfulness and reflection for me.  I am not always comfortable with change, because it often means that something must inevitably end in order for something to begin anew. 

But there are times, when change is a blessing.  And I'm also learning, that there ARE those rare occasions when something doesn't necessarily have to end, but instead, develops into something even more meaningful than we had anticipated or even dared hope.

The summer months brought many challenges.  But with the help of family and friends, I have faced those challenges head on and seen what the strength of love can do.  I have many to thank, and some of you are at the top of that list and hopefully, know who you are. 

The weather in NH has been absolutely perfect for days upon days.  A new school year has begun, and I adore my class and look forward to all that lies ahead in the next few months.  My daughters have begun their own school year with a great amount of enthusiasm, and that my oldest is now a freshman in high school simply blows my mind.  I am surrounded by people who love me and care for me and want the best for me.  What a feeling.....

But, there is something, that I've been struggling over whether or not to share for a while now.  I have been writing in this journal for over three years, and have shared many ups and downs and found strength and kindness and understanding in the hearts of many.  There are times, though, when I do settle into a quieter world.  I hate the thought of someone judging me, for what I write or choose to share ~ but then, this is my journal, and I've always been driven to write for and about myself, with the hope that others might also relate, and I have found this to be the case on more than one occasion.  Most of the time, I wear my heart on my sleeve, only to whip it away from public view without a second to spare for reasons I cannot quite explain. 

I love to write.  It's no secret.  It's therapeutic and helpful (to me) on many levels and for many different reasons, depending on the situation. 

And so here I go, beating around the bush again....

I am facing a bit of fear. 

A woman knows.  When something isn't right...  Whether bodily or mentally, that basic human instinct kicks right the heck in.  While I cannot say for sure, if it is something serious or not, I will confide in you all that my heart tells me it isn't.  But I am not hesitating in the least, to make sure that what needs to be done is DONE ~ and done right.  It's hard to wait.  It's hard not really "knowing". 

I want to write about this because like I said, it's my journal and this is something that I am going through right now and would like to have some place of reference to look back on later, just as I do with my older entries that revolve around the other events that have molded and continue to shape my life. 

I will have to elaborate further, in a future entry, because my time online is limited these days, and I have to scurry on out the door in a few minutes.  But what I want to say, more than anything else right now, is how happy I've become and how much more I appreciate things lately.  Let me also say, that as this point, NOTHING IS WRONG, and it's simply waiting for the confirmation day to come. 

I made my journal private, for a time, and some of you noticed and responded with concern, and for that I am truly grateful.  For those of you who quietly respected my decision and kept me in your thoughts, I am as equally indebted.  It's good to be back.  My heart is in these pages.  There is no need to hide from anyone ~ especially myself.  Thank you, friends.

And Love knows no boundaries.

Welcome, gentle autumn.

 

Open Up and Say, "Ahhhh...."

There simply aren't words to express my appreciation and gratitude for the many gifts in my life.  Gifts which include friends both near and far, who are there for me and offer words of support and a shoulder to lean (or cry) on when times are (or seem) tough.  I know that my previous post gave at least one or two of you reason to question our closeness and/or your place in my heart, and for that I deeply apologize.  It was never my intention to place blame or hurt on anyone, but to simply share a moment of disorderly thinking and internal suffocation that I happened to have awakened upon without warning.

I value each and every person who has touched and continues to touch my life, as well as savor the memories of those who have come and gone.  While I never wish anyone to feel as if they are alone in the world even for a moment, it was also somewhat calming to read comments that were left by those who could relate to how I was feeling in some way.  Yes, we all have those days, when we have to carry ourselves through with a smile ~ no matter how we may be feeling on the inside.  Let's face it, we all feel just a little empty sometimes.  Even when we know ~ if we really take a moment and think ~ that each and every one of us is blessed in ways we forget to be thankful for, when faced with even the smallest of circumstantial difficulty. 

A reader and friend (who deserves a tight hug) emailed me and offered the idea that perhaps if I opened myself up to others a little more, I might find acceptance and understanding where I least expect it ~ particularly by those who truly count.  It reminded me of the saying (and Maria, this one's for you): "those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter".  There are many facets to my personality.  Many unresolved issues, complications and contradictions in my life.  Those of you who have followed my journal and have come to know me through my words KNOW how moody and puzzled I can be at times.  One dear friend even went so far as to call me "mysterious" and is probably still wondering where I've been hiding myself. 

I still feel that writing is a very therapeutic and cleansing way to express oneself, and we all have different reasons and ways of doing it.  I judge NO ONE, for what they write, how they write or why.  And how lucky am I, to have such thoughtful and supportive people along for the ride, to share my own personal and sometimes cloudy journey through life with?  Extremely. 

Thank you.

 

(coming soon:  Job, family, Bell's, creative muse and LIFE update, while I work on that opening myself up thing... ::smiles::)

 

Sometimes I wake up and wonder if there isn't a single person in my life who truly knows me.  Someone who knows how I feel at all times and is still there when I turn around, despite how I feel inside.  Anyone at all, who I don't have to pretend to feel or be something or someone that I'm not, for. 

It's a lonely place, to suddenly realize that there isn't.

 

(note:  the subject matter in the following words may be difficult depending on your personal experiences and/or beliefs.  i hope i don't offended anyone)

I think it was my senior year in high school, when I took a class called Death and Dying ~ or something sounding morbidly similar.  It was one of those Human Relations classes, that bridged the various cliques and personalities together in a way no other class could.  I remember certain classmates, who I never would have made contact with outside of the classroom due to differences that today of course, seem (and probably are) irrelevant.  Many times, the majority of us would walk out of that room a little more sensitive and empathetic to each other than we were when we arrived.

I recall one class in particular ~ one that pertained to the whole grieving process, that struck a chord in me which still chimes now and again some twenty years later. 

Tears stung many eyes that day, as many of us had already experienced such a loss in one way or another, but it was also uplifting in a sense, and that is what I'm thinking about today. 

I can still picture our teacher, Mr. Wood, standing in front of the class and demonstrating how the body is like a glove for the soul (of course, this was his own personal take on the matter, and I have to wonder if such a display would be considered inappropriate today). 

Holding out one hand (the soul), he placed the other over it (the body) and stated simply that, when we die, our body "slips off like a glove" and our soul is then free.  A simple idea, but where I went with it in the afterglow has been and is still very meaningful to me. 

Our physical being is a magnificent thing.  We are all different and our bodies don't always look, work or feel the way we would like them to.  Young or old, there are many who struggle physically in one way or another and that can have a pretty profound and lasting effect on who we are and how we feel on the inside.  Our bodies may delight, deceive, burden or strengthen us to an astounding degree, depending on circumstances within or beyond our control.  If we are lucky, in most instances those we are in physical contact with treat us kindly and lovingly ~ or, at the very least, respectfully.  But sometimes, it's when our souls  are deeply touched that we feel it the most, and I'm starting to wonder if that isn't what it's all about in the first place.  Our time on earth is so very brief, in the grand scheme of things, and sometimes, that thought scares the hell out of me and keeps me up at night. 

Other times, it thrills me to no end. 

So, friendly readers, may your souls be touched and well guarded in countless ways for many, many years to come, and your gloves be worn with beauty and grace. 

That's all for now.....  ;o)

With Striking Contradiction

The storms in NH seem to get progressively worse year after year.  This past Thursday, a tornado ripped through parts of the state leaving 11 towns in a state of emergency, one person dead and dozens injured.  One town that was affected, Ossipee, is a mere five minutes from my grampa's house.  When we called to see if he was okay, we found him sitting on his breeze way drinking tea and watching the storm pass by.  His thoughts are, that at 92 years old, if his house goes ~ he's going with it.

But thank God, he was fine as was his little old house in Union, NH. 

 

I wrote of spring in my previous entry, because I had started the painting that accompanied it at that time, and it still seemed fitting.  I wrote the poem this morning, as another storm passed by and the sun began to peek out from behind the dark clouds.  One thing you can never quite count on in NH is nature's consistency!

Things have been incredibly busy and I've unintentionally neglected many journal friends over the past few weeks.  As it so happens, I'm between chores at the moment and have to head out in about two.  I will try to visit you all in the days to come.  I have a new job that I'll be starting tomorrow, one that will enable me to keep my job at school and still continue working there part time on the weekends throughout the year. 

Hope all is well with each and every one of you.  And that many happy summer memories are being made.

 

Spring Serenade

In the sacred hush

of early morning dew

when spring serenades her

earthly realm

and butterflies dance on 

angel colored wings

a heart opens

like delicate tulip petals

warmed moment by

precious moment

in sun's everlasting love 

 

chelle  2008

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Colorful Calm

 

Just as the rainbow promises Hope after the rain, so does a garden in bloom.  If you'd like to see mine, please click on the smilebox creation below.  My images seem to be too large, and some of the petals are cut off, but so be it....  :o/

AOL won't let me post albums any longer ~ Something to do with my browser.  I'm assuming it's the change in computers and nothing else.  No, I haven't gotten a new one and most likely won't be getting one for a while.  For now, I'm content (grateful, really) for the use of my daughter's. 

Speaking of my daughter....  Thank you, for the kind and supportive words I received after my previous rant.... uh, post.  Of course, things settled down and improved greatly as that particular evening went on.  Just recently, she pointed out that she tells me things her friends would NEVER tell their parents.  THAT, my dear friends, is good to know. 

I also have another vehicle now, so the problem is mostly just financial at this point.  I have two catering jobs coming up and another possibility or two in the making, so for now, I'm doing okay. 

Life is good.  I've been enjoying it lately, which is a plus.  Let's hope it stays that way.

Hope you enjoy the photos ~

 

Make a Smilebox slideshow