"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in;
forget them as soon as you can.
Tomorrow is a new day;
begin it well and serenely
and with too high a spirit
to be encumbered with your old nonsense."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Today was spent driving my oldest daughter, Amanda to church camp up in the White Mountains...  Good heavens, it is beautiful here in NH.  Growing up, my home and all it's surrounding beauty was taken for granted.  My adolescent mind and body couldn't WAIT to get the ::bleep:: out of here!  I was headed straight for the city... or so I thought.  When I moved close enough to the city to get a glimpse of the other side of the fence, I was never so happy to return home once again.

Anyway, on to camp...

I could not believe how much the "kids" in her group have grown.  Three of the boys are taller than their cabin unit leader by a foot.  I can't pretend that it doesn't concern me a little... the coed bunking.  My little girl with a bunch of teenage boys for a week.  The only thing that lessens my worries is that the unit leader also brings his WIFE with him, and Amanda is bunking right above her!  Also, this is a great group of kids, and they have been together for camp and choir/bells for years and have a nice bond... hopefully it doesn't become TOO nice any time soon.  So, she's away for a week... I'm thinking niiiice.  NO battles to referee, or boredom whines.  And yet, of course, I can't help but have started missing her as soon as we started driving back down the mountain.  She's still my baby girl, as much as she hates to hear me say that.  I will say it forever.  Her sister, of course, spent her bedtime crying as I rubbed her back and sang her to sleep... poor thing.  She is so sweet and sensitive, and feels everything so deeply.  God bless her. 

Tomorrow I will be heading back to school.  I am running a summer short program in the mornings with another teacher.  We're having the parent orientation in the afternoon.  It's a small group, some of whom I worked with this year (my little kinder ~ YEH!) and others who are new.  I'm looking forward to being productive again, even if it is just a few hours in the morning three days a week...  This program will be very important for these kiddos over the summer, to keep them on a steady learning pace.  It'll keep me on my toes as well.  I'm also taking two workshops over the summer to better prepare for a new math curriculum we are adopting as a district this year.  It's called Math Trailblazers, and it looks pretty interesting.  I certainly hope it is, for the kid's sake.. AND the teacher's!

I hope you all had a wonderful weekend, and if I'm late in posting, happy 4th of July to everyone...  Blessings!

Michelle

Simply Poetry

Ocean of Dreams

 

I close my eyes...

escaping

In an ocean of dreams

Along miles of soft, warm sand

I feel the waves

Crashing

Around me as the salty air

Dries on my face

For just a moment ~

Serenity...

Holds me in it's engaging spell

I awaken, shed a tear, and smile...

WHAT Makes Us Stronger?

Everyone wonders, or has their own personal beliefs about why we exist.  Some are convinced we've been here many times, possibly hundreds, living out our destiny based on karma.  Others believe we have but this one chance to get it right, and then must meet our Maker at the gates and await judgment.  To tell you the honest truth ~ I have no idea.  Of course I WANT to believe in something.. I mean, how can we go on when the going gets tough, if we believe that it's all just science and that when it's time, that's just the END?  Please do not take offense if this is your belief..  I'm just thinking, as we all do when it's quiet and soft music is playing in the background to stimulate our senses...

I suppose it's BECAUSE I believe in something without really knowing, that pushes me on when it's easier to turn and walk away.  Have you seen "Steel Magnolias"?  I love the part when the wise, grandmotherly lady (played brilliantly by Olympia Dukakis) says the old familiar saying, "That which does not kill us makes us stronger".  It certainly rings true during times of trouble, when all that surrounds you is sorrow.  It may last a day.  Perhaps a month.  Maybe even a year. Or God forbid ~ an entire lifetime.  Someone may have a debilitating illness, or chronic physical pain that robs them blind of their dignity and self worth.  Others may suffer in abusive relationships at the hands of a spouse, or a parent who uses drugs.  Quietly, others may simply suffer for seemingly no reason at all, as they battle with a depression that slowly eats away at their self worth.... now, wait...  This isn't meant to be a sad entry.  On the contrary, it's meant as a reminder.. To myself.  To anyone reading this.

Pain seems to tear at your heart, and yet it is really helping it to grow and become stronger.  I'm not sure where this is coming from... I certainly don't feel that strongly about pain being a "positive" aspect of life, and I do not wish to minimize anyone's suffering, because we all have it... Why?  Well, I have to believe that it prepares us.  Tests us.  Pushes us.  To stand up and fight.  And when someone is told they have cancer, and they say "NO" and vow to fight, it means something.. whether they beat it, or not. 

There are many shadows over our sunny days.  Some are as small as the tiniest pebble, others can seem as enormous as the sky. 

There will be days in all our lives, where walking away may seem like the easiest thing to do.  When the battle just seems too overwhelming to be fought, and trying to swim upstream is just simply too tiring... I urge you to swim on.  Or better yet, step out of the current for a moment or two, and check out the reflection... it may be more beautiful in the grand scheme of things than you have been allowing yourself to see. 

If I can hold on to this thought for more than a day, I'll be doing alright!  Thanks for being part of the journey.

 

Giving Thanks, Sharing Hopes

I've decided to repost this photo.  I deleted the entry I had originally posted it in after Journals Editor Joe informed me that the reason my journal was so wide was because of the Horoscope header that I had in that particular entry was too many pixels... (THANKS JOE!) 

The reason I'm sharing it again is simply that I love it.  I do not have a gift for photographing or capturing great beauty, but when I got home from the balloon festival and loaded my pics on the pc, I was really happy with this photo... it's easy to gaze into the sunset and simply float away.  Something I have been neglecting to do as of late.  Maybe I will make this my desktop photo as a daily reminder.  Better yet, I could simply look right now out my window... 

Today was better than yesterday, though still struggled at times with various thoughts and emotions.  I'm better this evening, so I suppose I should be grateful that I can snap out of it for moments here and there.  If it was ongoing, I'd know I would need to do something... I'm also realizing that a part of this may even be the Thyroid disease that I have.  I'm on a very high dose of Synthroid to keep my levels low so that my hypothyroid stays in control.  When I slack on taking it, even for a couple days, my levels soar to over 30.  The worst it's been is 48, which I know I've mentioned here before normal is between 3.5 and 5.  but it's something I have to really watch.  And I haven't been.

Anyway, today has been somewhat better, and I'm okay about last night's entry.  My journal is called Reflections because there are many things to reflect upon in my life.  As in everyone's life.  The key is to not miss a single one.  It's all part of what we need to see to move on.  Sometimes it's hard to look at, hard to face... but truth, it's there staring back at us.  At me.  At you.  

A HEARTFELT THANK YOU, for all who commented here and emailed me personally.  I am truly blessed to have all of you as friends.

Michelle

Saved For a Rainy Day...

This following post will not be fun, so if you're weak and weary from your own long and trying day, you may want to pass right on by to your next journal alert...

I've been aching to write lately, and I haven't wanted to put pen to paper, and yet, I haven't wanted to burden anyone (that means you) with my trivial troubles anymore than I already have.  What I've decided is that instead of trying ~as I have been~ to post about sunny days and chipper strolls along the lakeside (which help, but don't make the problems go away), I'm going to open up a bit, in this public place.  Sort of throw myself at the mercy of the cybergods and pray that anyone reading this will be a non-judgemental sort of heart, and remember that I'm only human.

And right away, panic sets in and I want to delete, run, and hide myself under my bed covers... I've opened up a bit here and there, never coming right out and saying EXACTLY what's on my mind, and yet revealing just enough to give one a basic understanding of the fact that I have issues.  Don't we all?  I mean, does it take tragedy to strike a person down for them to feel like they are unable to stand up?  It's very interesting really, I have had some very serious issues, ones I can never share, that carved deep holes in my heart.  I dealt with those obvious issues head freaking on... took complete control when I felt utterly out of control.  Others were depending on me to do just that and I did it, hands down.  Why then, when all seems so rosy on the outside, and nothing in particular is striking me down, am I feeling so low? 

And then there are words.  Powerful, meaningful words, that can make or break a smile.  Words that can make you shiver with fright, and many that heal and spread warmth.  It's amazing, the way it can happen, as it did tonight with a close family member... that I can be completely in place, the way I know I should be, and one simple sentence dissolves me into a puddle.  Only to quickly be wiped dry with a damp back hand and shaken off so that little innocent eyes don't have to see.

And yet, they know.  I know they know, becauseI can see it in their eyes when they think I'm not looking.  I know because it's obvious in their outbursts and their reactions to me that they see right through me.  This is what saddens me the most, is that they feel it, too.  I never, ever wanted or want them to feel pain.  Yes, they will have their own pain, but to feel MINE?  How unfair is that?!?  I have always known that I would not be able to give them the kind of childhood I would have wanted them to have.  Oh sure, I do as much as I humanly can to make sure that their lives are as normal and happy as I possibly can.  ANd you may wish to judge me at this moment, because of so many children out there who are suffering and hurting, and hungry and crying... I KNOW THIS, and that's what makes it even all the more shameful for me to feel this way.  I'm CONSTANTLY saying, "look for the positives... be happy with all that you are blessed with..." when in reality, I'm only trying to drill those same words into my own head.  I swear, someday I will lose it.  I will lose what I have taken for granted all this time.  So why can't I stop my heart from hurting so?

I'm giving no specifics, and you are surely thinking I am a complete nut job and I'm expecting a swift kick in the rear from many of you.  No one is happy all the time... I understand.  And I know that if I started praying a little more regularly, and doing it right, I might find some guidance in Him.  I haven't really put things in His hands lately, the way that I probably should.  And yet, I've been doing it for years, and expecting some sort of answer, when I am quite sure that the answer is right here... here inside of this heart.  I have to search harder.  I must find it.  Before it's too late.

So on that bummer of a note, I bid you all good evening, and hope I haven't discouraged any of you from coming back.  You all know that I do manage to post on not so dreary days....   Hope the sun is shining on all of you over the weekend. 

 

 

 

 

 

"Wild flowers felt good beneath my feet

The wind blew tangles in my hair..."

 

My journal is all messed up again... probably due to putting my own photos in ~ it's so irritating to have to scroll over to read!  Oh well... I've been wanting to post more of my own photos to go with entries, so maybe if I keep experimenting, something will click.  If not, happy scrolling, and I hope you'll stick it out with me while I learn!

We went to an annual balloon festival over the weekend.  It's such a thrill to see all of them inflate and go off one by one into the sunset.  The sunset photo in my last entry is actually from that evening as well.  It was truly a beautiful sight.

 

Wishing you all a pleasant week!  

 

 

 

Here Comes the Sun... dodo dodo do

The sun has returned... hopefully to stay for a long visit.  We had a passing shower today, but it went on about it's business.  It was a heavy downfall, so the kids in kindergarten all got a huge laugh out of it.  It's amazing what will set their little hearts a blaze! 

Thank you all for your prayers and kindness regarding my brother in law's passing.  I neglected to mention that he leaves behind a beautiful wife and three young children, so they need those prayers more than ever. 

Only two and a half more days of school... but who's counting?

Really, though... this year has simply flown by.  It's been the most fun I've had in the six years I've been at this school, and I will miss many faces over the summer.  Things are very hectic right now.  Today I finally got in to meet with our principal and spend and hour going over paperwork and information to become recertified by the state.  Glad that part is over, now I can rest a bit easier.  We also had our all school performance (teachers included) to honor our principal, as she is retiring after this year.  Our Opera House holds 800 people and it was filled all the way up to half of the balacony.  We all sang our hearts out, and my little kinder girlie was a huge star... I honestly didn't know if she'd make it up there once she saw all those people!  She scares very easily.. but she did it and I was extremely proud of her.  (My daughter's class sang a beautiful song as well, and did sign language to it and everyone was crying... :::SNIFF:::)  So it was a major event after a LOT of hard work and rehearsals.  Thank goodness the weather held out!

So it's almost time to wind down... almost time to take a deep breath and just "be still".  School is just about over.  Softball is over.  Back to working part time for a while.... I can handle it.  REALLY, don't worry about ME!  hehe.  I'll just get some much needed therapy on the beach, listening to the waves crash as boats sputter by... it'll be okay...

        

       Wishing you all a happy day with many more to come!   Michelle