Monday Musings

Well, the girls made it through the week and are now home safe and sound.  Surprisingly, so did I!  It was 5 days filled with mixed emotions ~ some good, some not so good.  It helped, that they kept in close touch, calling several times a day to fill me in on all their excitement.  That was probably the what saved me, knowing that they were happy and enjoying their time with their dad.  It made ME happy for them and with them.  They took a lot of pictures (using a disposable "film" camera.. didn't know they still existed!), and they have a DVD of themselves riding in a roller coaster!  Mailee went on her very first "upside down" ride called "The Inverter."  She also had one of her (many) dreams come true, visiting The American Girl Doll Store in NYC.  I was so thrilled for her.  They truly did have a wonderful time, and it helped me to relax through the week and sleep soundly (somewhat) through the night knowing that they were safe and happy each day.

For the most part, I valued my time alone.  I tried to fill it with activities that I enjoy ~ lounging by the pool, visiting the lake, dining out with friends and enjoying a good movie.  I also found a job working one on one with a little boy who has been diagnosed with Autism.  I have some experience with Autism, and most certainly have the training, but each child who lives with this disease does so differently.  He is three years old, non-verbal, quite lively ::grin:: and appears very happy in the summer daycare program where I will be working with him in August.  I'm looking forward to working one on one again, as I have been away from this type of intense, focused work for a year now.  It's always so rewarding working with children who face challenges far beyond the "normal" challenges of being a kid, and seeing their faces light up as they overcome them and achieve their goals.

I've also been called back a few times for the catering position that I was hired for during the summer months.  Again, a lot of work, but worth the effort!  I get out, I meet new people, I make money and I eat well!  I highly recommend it!

 

One sour note ~ with a twinge of sweet:  My cat Fluffy was diagnosed with Diabetes.  He's so fluffy (obviously) that although I was noticing that he appeared to be losing some weight, it was not so obvious how much.  He's always happy, but last week I noticed he was just lying around all the time and not his usual self.  I took him to the vet and he had lost half his body weight from last year, going from 15 to 8 lbs.  After the usual testing that they do, it was found that his blood sugar was over 500.  Normal levels for cats (and humans, I might add) is 75-150.  So, obviously some loving care is in order.  Insulin pills are far less expensive then injections, and after looking online, I found many Fancy Feast varieties that are low carb (even more so than the prescription varieties), and while Fancy Feast is an expensive brand of cat food, it is HALF the price of the Rx food.  So, while I am sad that my kitty has been suffering, and I worry for his furry future, the sweet is that we are able to treat and care for him and will simply have to adjust his "fluffstyle" accordingly!  He's currently snuggling up with Mailee on the couch, purring away...  At least I think it's him that I hear!

I wish you all a peaceful and week filled with smiles and happy memories!

Thank you D, for the beautiful tag!

 

 

 

 

Summer 2007

Summer officially begins today, although for me, as school let out this past Monday, it's already begun.  The sky is a robin's egg blue, puffy white clouds float blissfully by, and the sun, warm and welcoming, beckons me out the door.  The girl's dad has picked them up for a few hours of shopping downtown, and while I look forward to some time to myself, lounging by the pool without a care, I felt it necessary to write a bit about all that I have been holding in my heart for the last few months and to share with you my present outlook for the days and weeks that lie ahead.

This year, summer will be very different, and in many different ways. 

I'm finding it very important to maintain a positive attitude, mostly for my girls, but hey, I haven't completely forgotten myself yet, either.  For many years, their happiness measured far more significantly than my own.  I believed that as long as they were happy, I was happy.  End of story, end of struggle.  My need, my want and my happiness was tossed aside ~ by my hands and mine alone.  No one's fault.  No one's responsibility but my own.  No one knew.  Even I was oblivious to it for longer than I care to admit.  When it all came crashing down, I had very little to defend my heart with.

I have cried more tears in the last year than I have most of my adult life.  Allowing myself to feel again, and to recognize what I had been hiding away in a Pandora box for 14 years, was very difficult.  Where would I find the strength to move forward knowing what I now knew?  Where would the courage come from, to tell him?  And then to break it to our children?  Would they hate me?  Would they slip into a depression all their own?  How could I possibly maintain my home and provide for my children on a teacher's aide's measly salary?  What would it feel like, after 14 years of sleeping beside a practical stranger, to completely live without him? 

Many of these questions have been answered in the recent months since our separation.  Moving forward has been like taking a step and then finding myself three steps behind.  The only consolation in that, is that you do in fact find yourself a little further along ~ in time. 

I still have days when I don't know what the hell I'm doing.  I have to force myself to focus on the bigger picture.  The end result.  The only problem with that, it that dreams don't always come true, and what you think and hope the future MIGHT hold, isn't always what comes to be.  Most often isn't, as a matter of fact.  I could very well spend the rest of my short life alone.  And then I have to think really hard about that and answer the tougher question:  is all of this worth that distinct possibility?

I have to believe that it is. 

Quite truthfully, making things work this way has been much easier than I had anticipated.  My girls are doing well, for the most part.  It's the lesser part that concerns me.  The feelings they DON'T share.  The hurt they have to be feeling on the inside is not making itself known.  That does scare me, because it speaks volumes to what I may have in fact taught them by not admitting to my own feelings sooner.  They appear happy.  They do all the normal things kids their age do.  They both had a successful school year (taking out the many illnesses Amanda dealt with that kept her from being in school as much as she should have been which led to missed work and incomplete assignments... but she did well nonetheless).  The both have large handfuls of friends and enjoy spending time with them.  They fight.  With each other and with me.  But moments later will curl up on the couch and snuggle.  Yes, my 13 year old still snuggles.  Won't kiss me anymore though.  I miss that.  But they are doing so much better than I had even prayed they would do.  I just hope that another wall won't come crashing around them as it did me.  BUT, if it does, I will be there within seconds, scurrying about to pick up the pieces.

Their dad has been very decent throughout it all.  We had one very upsetting episode a month ago, but he did call to apologize that night, and ever since it's been just fine.  I struggle with knowing what he must be going through.  That knowledge tears me apart as it sits nagging at my heart, and has even made me consider taking him back.  But after a while, I realize that I wouldn't be taking him back for the right reasons, just as I didn't marry him for the right reasons or stay with him as long as I did for the right reasons.

On Sunday, the girl's bags will be packed and their excitement will be overflowing.  He will be picking them up early in the morning and taking them to the place that holds a very special piece of my heart.  They will be gone for the week.  I will worry.  I will cry.  I will miss them terribly.

But I will survive.

If anything, I have learned this about myself:  I am stronger than I thought I was.  I have more in my heart than I ever allowed myself to believe.  I have a right.  To live.  To love.  And to be loved.

Don't we all?

Hugs and Blessings to you all.  Thank you for your thoughts, encouraging words and friendships as I move forward...  and especially when I fall back.  You are a gift to me.

(thanks to Toni's Tags for the siggy =D  )

 

Monday Photo Shoot: Orange

Your Monday Photo Shoot: Orange :

Your Monday Photo Shoot: Picture something in orange. As a challenge, don't take pictures of actual oranges (the fruit), and picturing actual pumpkins seems a little too easy too. Other than that, go for it.

My Mother's Day Lily:

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Not Forgetting...

© 1999 by Michelle Keim,
Commander of Royersford VFW Post 6341 in PA.

As we stand here looking
At the flags upon these graves
Know these flags represent
A few of the true American brave

They fought for their Country
As man has through all of time
Except that these soldiers lying here
Fought for your country and mine

As we all are gathered here
To pay them our respect
Let's pass this word to others
It's what they would expect

I'm sure that they would do it
If it were me or you
To show we did not die in vein
But for the red, white and blue.

Let's pass on to our children
And to those who never knew
What these soldiers died for
It's the least we can do

Let's not forget their families
Great pain they had to bear
Losing a son, father or husband
They need to know we still care

No matter which war was fought
On the day that they died
I stand here looking at these flags
Filled with American pride.

So as the bugler plays out Taps
With its sweet and eerie sound
Pray for these soldiers lying here
In this sacred, hallowed ground.

Take home with you a sense of pride
You were here Memorial Day.
Celebrating the way Americans should
On this solemnest of days.

"Don't Worry.... Be Happy."

Symptoms of depression vary from person to person. These symptoms include feelings of disconnectedness, sadness, hopelessness, guilt, indifference, and worthlessness. Other symptoms are headaches, changes in sleeping and eating patterns, and low energy. You may also be entertaining thoughts of suicide or have noticed an impact on your spiritual life.

If you, not unlike myself, are experiencing some of these symptoms and fear for your heart and all it endures, try to remember this as I do:  Your depression is not only necessary, but it can be productive in your forward movement toward healing.  Depression is a unique state of the body and mind in which you experience sadness and low energy as a way of preparing the body to do something significant.

My prayer:

Lord, help me to embrace this depression as a step in the healing process. Help me to understand that I can learn from this depression and that You have something significant planned for me as a result of my growth.  Help me to be thankful, for all that I am blessed with in my life.  My gifts are many.  My struggles are truly very few.  Please keep me on the right path.  Guide me to a place where my happiness awaits me.    Amen.

And on that note...  I'm headin' to the LAKE!

 

Odds and Ends... and Bullies

Jodi P. and Me!

Even with my sunburned nose and lopsided smile, I had to post this pic.  I was absolutely delighted to have the opportunity to attend another book signing event of my favorite author, Jodi Picoult, last week in her hometown of Hanover - the very same town that has banned her new book (Nineteen Minutes) from the shelves of its high school.  How dare anyone put into words what no one wants to give voice to out of fear or even - dare I say - IGNORANCE? 

Bullying...  Where does it stem from?  Are there ways of escaping the clutches of adolescent demons?  Is there any stopping it?  What happens, when the child who has been bullied relentlessly for years upon demeaning years, in turn becomes the biggest bully of them all? 

Neither one of my children have ever been the victims of bullying.  At least not that they have been willing to share ~ and believe me, I ask often. 

That is, until yesterday...

Mailee arrived home from the school bus with a bit of a twist in her shorts.  I immediately summed it up to the same issues we had been arguing about for two days straight.  She had a softball game scheduled for the evening as well as her school's annual Picnic and Learning Fair.  She would have time to attend both, (which didn't quite happen) but was bound and determined that she was going to win the battle and skip the game.  Which went against my own better judgement that NO, when you are committed to a team, you don't let them down just because something more fun comes along. 

So I wasn't prepared in anyway, shape or form, to hear that her frown and wounded spirit was due to the fact that she had literally been assaulted on the bus ride home.

I know the student quite well from when he attended the school where I work.  *FIRED UP* doesn't even begin to describe the blood which runs through this kiddos veins.  I even have my own note of apology in my files written from this student after he lashed out at me, swinging full force and shrieking obscenities in my face.  He is unpredictable and very lost in a world full of anger.

He punched my baby girl...  VERY hard.  Because he was angry.  Because she was there.  Period.

After investigating the incident and conversing with other students who witnessed the incident, the principal of her school called me at work today and assured me in no uncertain terms that my daughter would be safe from now on.  This child will no longer be riding that school bus.

So now comes the issue of not what if, but when?  And who?  And what will the future hold for this disturbed young boy? 

And will his next victim be even smaller, and weaker and unable to speak out of fear?  And will that encourage him to continue his lashing out?

Okay, enough of that already...  My baby girl is good.  She is happy and she feels safe.  So for now, I'll just keep sending up those prayers...

My own life has been a whirlwind of emotional ups and downs lately.  As if that ever changes...  I HAVE made a decision regarding my job.  I just can't walk away from something I love so dearly.  I've never been very good at doing that, even when it appears that the alternative might be a wiser choice.  What I AM planning to do - and I hope it all pans out the way I'd like it to - is to work part time over the summer at a catering business that hires temp summer people to set up and serve an amazing feast that is well known in our area.  They are very busy, but mostly on weekends, which means the girls can hang out at their grandparents some.  I can't see working full time and leaving them home all day.  Amanda is too old for daycare, and is actually interested in gaining experience babysitting, so I figure (or hope, anyway) that it will work out for us all.  I DO receive a lesser pay amount throughout the school year so that I have money in my pocket over the summer as well, just not a whole lot of it.  SO, I'll simply do what needs doing and hope for the best.

I've been spending the last few days trying to really focus on the positives and the joys in my life.  Also to allow myself to see my true worth, and to stop demeaning myself and defining myself through my faults and my failings.  We all have faults.  We all fail.  The point is to rise above it.

I was watching a FABULOUS Oprah today on finding happiness and love within and for yourself.  Something she said on "self compassion" really hit me.  She calls such hits, "Ah HA" moments.  I'll close this entry by sharing her words:

"Imagine yourself caring for someone you love who is ill (physically or emotionally) and needs your constant watchful eye and loving heart...  Imagine that you are watching over them as they sleep, and that as you gently hold their hand, you pour all the love and care from your heart into their very own.  Imagine how much you would pray or wish for their healing.  How much you wish for them peace and comfort and gentleness...

Now look again ~ and imagine ~ that the person you are holding and pouring all your heart and soul into ~ is you."

Love yourself.  Your the only "you" you've got.  Your life is a precious gift.  Take it, hold it and TREASURE it. 

Always. 

Some days are truly dark, but there is always tomorrow.  There is always the gift of time...

Have a safe, warm and memorable Memorial Day weekend.  Don't forget to give thanks for the men and women who live and die for us and for countless, faceless others. 

And don't forget to smile  =)

 

 

Mom's The Word...

I was unable to post an entry on Mother's Day, for a variety of reasons, but none that I want to give any energy to at this point.  I do so regret not writing sooner about someone so dear to my heart as my best friend in the world...  My Mom.

I can't recall a single day in my life when I didn't feel that my mom was my best friend.  Oh, I'm QUITE sure that I uttered a few, um... let's say, unkind words to or about her during my teenage years.  But truly, she is the only one in my life who has stood beside me in ALL my life's choices.  Even the ones that she knew were surely the biggest mistakes of my life. 

She would always say to me, "No matter what, Michelle...  I will always love you and hope for your happiness."  And not only say it, but mean it genuinely as well. 

When I was very little ~ even though mom read to me and sang to me each and every night before I said my prayers and drifted off to sleep ~ I had horrifying nightmares and wet the bed every single night.  Not ONCE, did mom scold me.  Never did she hint even a single shred of impatience.  She simply told me it was okay and would quietly remove my bedding to be washed, even as she had to hurry off to work each day. 

Mom has seen me through so much in my life.  When I was in my early teens, I was a mess.  Much like I am today, but only with more drama... (::exaggerated eyeball roll::)  I was very depressed, often suicidal, flunked out of freshman year, took drugs, turned Goth, and TOTALLY freaked out everyone around me.  Including my exasperated parents who had absolutely NO idea how to reach me.  And overall, for many years, I was just plain nasty.   Mom did everything she could to be of support to me.  She did my hair all funky for me (she's been a hairdresser for 40 years)and she let me wear whatever clothes I wanted and argued with my dad in my defense...  NO easy task.  (just for the record, I was "normal" again by the time I turned 18, so I AM relatively safe to be around!)

And through it all, I told her everything.  She made me feel safe with whatever I was feeling.  She had always stressed, from as far back as I can remember, that communication is the key.  That following your heart is the only way to go.  That true love is unconditional.

One would think, with all I am going through in the marriage that is crumbling at my feet, that all those words and lessons were taught in vain...

Better late than never, mom.  You are the wind beneath my wings.

Thank you.

 

I hope all mom's out there had a WONDERFUL and SPECIAL day!