Looking Up

Ah yes, the true me...  (thank you for the enlightenment, Maria! LOL)

SCORPIO:. The sex addict

Can be mean. EXTREMELY sexy. Intelligent. Energetic. Predict future.

Most erotic. (Freak in bed.) (GREAT kisser.) Always get what they want.

Sexy. Attractive. Easy going. Loves being in long relationships.

Talkative. The sexiest ever....Romantic. Caring. 

Sex?  Am I missing something here?  :o/

Okay, that was just too funny not to post...  Won't be using my rare talents anytime soon, I'm afraid! 

It's been an incredibly long time since I've clicked on that little "happy" emoticon up there...  Fortunately, I have found many reasons to be happy lately.  Happier than I was allowing myself to be, anyway.  Everything ~ well, for the most part, is going very well for me.  I have always tried to look at the bigger picture in life, the overall grand scheme of things.  What I see now is that perhaps the picture I thought I needed to envision was in fact not at all the picture that I was meant to see.  Is it possible, that what the future holds is so bright that I've been completely blinded by it's sheer brilliance?  Shielding my eyes, or quite simply ~ turning around and walking away?  Without even realizing it?  I've been going through the motions for so long now, that I haven't TRULY taken the time to let that brilliance in.  To feel it deep within my soul and to believe with all my heart that it's light and warmth is meant for me.

I've been trying really hard to focus on all the positives, and yes, some days are, quite frankly, a hell of a lot easier than others.  I have obstacles, like you, and you and even you...  That helps, you know.  Not feeling alone.  I have a great support system around me.  My family is behind me and supporting me in this decision.  My friends are SO thoughtful and encouraging.  My work is very fulfilling in some ways, yet it's just as important for me to realize that I will be needing to broaden my horizons, especially if I'm going to stay where I am.  Which is what I would like very much to do.  It's just something I have to consider if I'm going to make it on my own somehow.  And I will, because with two amazing children relying on me, there is simply no other choice and I am proud to step up to the plate for them at all times.  I will be stronger, happier and more at peace with myself than I have been for longer than I care to think about. 

I've been attending church again (they don't know I'm a Scorpio...) as well as taking some time for myself to enjoy some activities with friends.  I've been taking time to just sit and read or listen to MY music!  I've also been listening to the people with whom I am closest to, because they will tell me what I need to hear as well as the things I DON'T want to hear sometimes, because they love and care about me. 

I am laughing, and playing with my kids more.  I'm taking time to just "be silly".  To have a pillow fight, or chase each other around the house!  I must say, I am SOO flippin' ready for spring right now...  It was 23 BELOW ZERO with the wind chill today.  It's supposed to warm up by Saturday and be in the 50s.  I don't mean to wish the winter away.  I mean, being a true New Englander is appreciating the beauty of all four seasons for all they are worth...  I just need to feel that warm breeze and breathe in the sweet scent of new beginnings...

I do appreciate all the kind and encouraging words I've received, both here and elsewhere during some of those darker days ~ and everyday.  It means more than I can say.  Especially since many of you are going through some difficult times as well, and that you've reached out to me does not go unnoticed.  It is a true blessing.  Thank you all.

HUGS!

Thankful

With a little inspiration from Gretchen in Savannah, here are my thanksgivings today, this "Thankful Thursday"...

1.  I am thankful that the air is warm and sweet today.  A reminder that spring ~ new beginnings ~ are just around the corner.

2.  I am thankful that Mailee's 103.3 temperature is gone and that she is happily playing in her room as I write.

3.  I am thankful for every minute that my heart feels lighter, yet stronger.  Vulnerable, yet protected.  By me.

4.  I am thankful for each day that those I love and hold dear are kept safe, healthy and free from life's burdens.

5.  I am thankful for friends who help me see more clearly what, in fact, I should be thankful for.

Thank you.

 

 

Day By Day

 

The sun is shining so beautifully today ~ creating a dazzling display of glitter across the newly fallen snow.  We received about two feet over the last couple days and now that winter is truly upon us, we can play in some serious snow piles!

This has been a major time for reflection for me.  I am learning so much about myself.  I am learning that while I have many moments of weakness, I am stronger than I had originally believed.  I am finding that the hardest first steps can lead to a much more peaceful and calm way of living then I had dared hope for.  My girls are handling things much more easily than I had originally thought they would.  As sad as it is to say, they very rarely saw their father, which has in fact made the transition much more bearable for them.  Yes, they are sad.  They miss what they would have loved to have had.  So do I.  It simply wasn't meant to be.  In a sense, things are moving forward just as they always did.  The three of us, the girls and I, together always and seeing each other through each day.  Smiling.  Laughing.  Living.  And each day I feel more and more at ease with him gone.  I am feeling free from walls I had built up around my heart.  I am hoping to live a fuller, happier and more meaningful existence.  Life is so precious, and so very, very short.  There isn't enough time to be wasted lost in a void. 

Yes, there will be moments of darkness, but I am strong enough to let those moments pass through my heart and carry on.  There will be tears and frustrations, fears and worries... followed by revelations, renewed hopes and the warmth of those who stand close by, ready to catch me when I fall. 

I must give thanks to all of those who have passed through here and stopped to wish me and my family well.  For thoughtful comments, conversations, emails and cards that have brightened my days and seen me through many nights.  YOU ARE ALL special friends and I am very lucky and blessed in so many ways.

Wishing you all a wonderful weekend!

Michelle

Away For Now

I'm taking a moment to let all who pass by here know that I am needing to turn off my alerts and make better use of my other journal for a time.  Life altering events are taking place right now, and I am unable to keep up with my alerts.  I had a full mailbox when I came online today, and I needed to delete them all.  I hope to be back here, but it probably won't be for a while, and wish to encourage those who know of my other journal to visit me there, and to welcome anyone who wishes to please email me for a link.  I will be visiting your journals as time permits, and wish all of you well each and every day.

I hope to be back soon!!

Michelle

                                        

 

Thirteen years ago today, my life was blessed with the most precious gift.  A most beautiful and healthy baby girl.  My life changed in the most amazing way, and I realized for the first time who and what I was meant to be and do.  There was very little else in my life that was right at that time, but I knew beyond any doubt, that I was going to be the best mom that I could possibly be.  Oh, I was scared... Don't get me wrong.  This little bundle was resting ~ butt first, folded in HALF (picture legs hugging ears...) and the umbilical cord had firmly placed itself around her little neck.  And yet, somehow I just knew.  I knew that she would be just fine, and I would be, too.  I just figured that she simply enjoyed a little challenge and was already planning to prove herself in her first moments out from the comfort, safety and warmth of my womb. 

 

Pure joy...  That's all I can say about my experiences as a first time mom.  Everything seemed to fall into place as far as she and I were concerned.  Nights were generally peaceful...  I nursed her for the first year and often fell asleep and awoke with her in my arms.  As she grew, and reached every milestone far earlier than the books had all said (and believe me, I read them ALL!) I loved and adored her more each and every day.  I played Mariah Carey and danced around my living room with her in my arms.  I sang to her several times a day.  She smiled, she laughed, she crawled and took her first steps at 8 months, walking steadily only two weeks later...

 

As time went on, I knew that this daughter of mine was special.  Everything she touched turned to gold.  Every opportunity she had, she would learn something new and excel in it.  She was reciting her ABCs at 22 months.  She was reading at age 4.  And this little one could dance...  Oh, my goodness.  At age 6 she joined a dance competition group and for five years dazzled all with her talent and beauty.  She was given a full scholarship for two of those years because they could not bear to see her go, even as we were no longer able to pay the hundreds of dollars a month for lessons, costumes and competition fees.

 

She is a caring and watchful big sister to Mailee.  She tries not to like her, I mean, she can't ADMIT to liking her, but I know she loves her deeply.  Mailee gave her a card that read,  "You're better than an angel on my shoulder....   You're my sister."  Amanda didn't know that I saw her pick up this card several times this evening and look at it.  I see a friendship developing between them as they grow older, and it truly warms my heart.

 

And she is a the sort of friend any other child would want to have standing beside them.  An acquaintance approached me a few days ago to tell me how Amanda stood up for her daughter when she was approached by a rather mean-spirited classmate at school that day.  Amanda had taken this young girl aside as she cried inconsolably and told her jokes and made her laugh.  She didn't care if the other girl or anyone else was watching.  She gently lead her out of the room and took her under her wing. 

 

Amanda, 

 

On this day and every day, I wish you always to dance.  To never stop hoping, dreaming and reaching for the stars.  To never settle for less than what you deserve in life, and above ALL else, follow your heart.

 

Life is never without moments of struggle or pain, but what always shines through the darkness... is love. 

 

I love you, Amanda.  Shine on, sweet daughter of mine.

 

Happy Birthday!

 

In my daughter's eye's
I am a hero
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I want to be
In my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes
Everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light
And the world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me
Gives me strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe
In my daughter's eyes

When she wraps her hand around my finger
Oh, it puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realize what love is all about

It's hangin' on when your heart has had enough
It's giving more when you feel like giving up
I've seen the light
It's in my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes
I can see the future
A reflection of who I am and what will be
Though she'll grow and someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I'm gone I hope you'll see
How happy she made me
For I'll be there...
In my daughter's eyes

In My Daughter's Eyes   By Martina McBride

Acceptance, Courage and Wisdom..

(Mill Bridge sketch Jan. '07)

 

"And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it."

Roald Dahl

    There is no dress rehersal for life.   Much of it is about choices.  At least in my own personal experiences...  I have been fortunate enough in my relatively short time on earth to not have been thrown too many curves that I was not able to dodge in order to avoid.  I have both of my parents (as well as my beloved grandpa), who, despite any past difficulties we may have had, are still and always will be my closest friends.  I have never been diagnosed with a serious illness or disease which might render me unable to care for myself or my daughters...  Daughters that I am blessed by God with and who give me reason, purpose, and great happiness.  I am blessed with all my senses that give me the ability to see, hear, feel and inhale all the sweetness in life that is showered over me in abundance every single day.  I have the ability to walk quietly and run swiftly (okay, maybe not very swiftly)with an able body and dream softly with an able mind...   I find that most of the things I wish were changable in my life in fact ARE and that much of what I am unhappy about is due to my own life choices.   'God, grant me the serenity...'    

Catching Up

             

It's been far too long since I've really written here...  Sure, I did the Christmas and New Year's entries, and I've shared a few pieces of me here and there, but I haven't really been here.  My body has been here, sitting in this same chair every night for I don't know how many days in a row, but my mind, my spirit, has been elsewhere.  I am happy to report that I am back, and I hope to find more time to share my thoughts as well as visit and comment more in other journals.  I've been reading, I just haven't commented as much as I would like to.  It was hard to find words for others when I was unable to find words for myself for so long. 

So, here I am.  Feeling well and finding peace within that I know has always been.  Sometimes it's just so much easier to see and feel it than other times.  Isn't that life?  Oh, yes... this beautiful blessing called life...  When is it NOT complicated?  When is it truly all we wish for and dream of?

And what has been going on in my life lately?  Well, there's work, which is continuing to go well, even though for a while I honestly thought that I was going to have to stop working.  Yeah, I felt that bad.  What I have found (and have known all along) is that children are little angels...  To have a job where you walk into a room and you are surrounded by bright smiles, hugs as warm as the sun and "guess what's?" and "You're so pretty's!" when you feel like crud inside is just so incredibly heart warming...  And when you come home to much of the same from your own children (well, most of the time, anyway... but they ARE normal), it's hard to imagine that life seemed so bleak just yesterday, or so many days before that... 

Amanda's 13th birthday is in a week.  Almost a teenager...  ::dread::  I must be completely honest here, though.  She is a wonderful daughter.  Even as she moves through the phases of natural growth, with funky mood swings at every turn (she IS her mother's daughter!), she is beauty and grace and a lovely example to her little sister.  More so now than ever before.  She is VERY excited to be turning a page into teenage life.  I have reserved a hotel suite for her and her friends to celebrate.  Complete with a fireplace, whirlpool and indoor pool as well.  It's a two room suite, so I'll actually have my own space  and they will be able to have a little privacy.  She was SO sweet saying that I was more than welcome to hang out with her and her friends, so not to feel left out.  She told me I was an awesome mom.  Wow...  Seriously.  I was, and still am in shock.  Personally, I look forward to a night out, and even if I stay in my own space the whole night reading my book, It'll actually be a night to remember!  I DO need to get out more, I know... 

I have more to say, but will save it for another entry.  Thanks for sticking with me and for commenting on my shorter entries.  Specifically the ones regarding my Rose drawing.  I received the charcoal pencils and sketch pad for Christmas, and I am finding time (with a great deal of effort... TIME?  What a concept!) to draw again which was always a wonderful outlet for me in the past and I am currently working on some others which I hope to share in the future, if I think they are at all worth sharing!

Take care, and stay safe!

Michelle