From The Mirror

Sometimes, it feels as though my face is melting...  This has physical ramifications of course...  The constant "pull" from my "good side", weighing heavily on my skin, neck and shoulders, causes an almost ceaseless ache in my neck and head.  It's certainly not unbearable..  I am fully aware at how much real pain I could be in, had it been a stroke or God forbid, even worse.  I take Tylenol nightly to help me sleep, and the lubricant that I was prescribed to help soothe and protect my restless eye in the night has enabled me to forego tapping it shut, which was more of a nuisance than anything else. 

I'm finding, as the days go by and I am becoming used to this change in my physical appearance, that it's becoming easier for me to do the every day things, such as eat, drink, speak and so forth.  This helps me to keep the focus on the hope, that slowly but surely, I will return to normal.  I cannot allow myself to think that I might not.

It's the emotional ramifications of such an ordeal that are lasting in my mind...  The thoughts that spring forth that have no business invading my space.  If I didn't already have self esteem issues (which I did ~ many...)  I most definitely have them now. 

Feeling ugly on the outside is very damaging on the inside.  I have never felt attractive physically, especially growing up a chubby, four-eyed, brace-faced kid.  I was always the one not picked to dance and never had more than one or two boyfriends.  I always loved from afar, knowing that if I made an attempt at it, I would be flat out rejected as always.  These thoughts and self doubts followed me, and while I am pretty happy with myself on the inside ~ I do know that I am a good person and on my better days a good mom to my beautiful girls and I pride myself on those things ~ I am an utter wreck on the inside... And this just doesn't help matters any.

It's just hard to go out, you know?  I might not look so completely dreadful, when I'm not talking or smiling, but that's just not me!  When I meet someone on the street, I always smile and say hello.  I am usually very outgoing and eager to chat with the lady behind the cash register, or the waiter who might candidly take our dinner order at Applebee's...  But now, as soon as I open my mouth, I am immediately reminded of how awful I look by my reflection in their eyes.  They smile, and try to be polite, but I can see and feel their thoughts washing over their faces, and I just want to go home and hide in my room until this is all over.

I feel unlovable.  Untouchable.  Unkissable.  Unreachable.

Sometimes...

And then I sigh... That long, drawn out sigh, releasing those thoughts and doubts, and allow myself to look far beyond what I feel and what I see at this very moment.  My hopes for the future high and alive, and I vow not to let this bring me down. 

Thank you for allowing me to vent my aches and pains here today.  It is hard for me, to allow myself such a release.  I'm going to bury myself back in my newest read and fly away for a while. 

Wishing you all a peaceful day ~ free from worry, doubts and fears.

Chelle

 

A Floral Touch

Good afternoon, everyone!  I hope you're all enjoying your Tuesday.  I had attempted to upload photos of my flowers earlier using SMILEBOX without success.  I really enjoy the program, and hope that eventually I will be able to figure out how to share the layouts I've created in my journal.  Till then, I will continue to use the AOL layout, which does allow for a bit of variety.

It's a beautiful day here..  The sun is bright, the sky blue and the breeze gentle and refreshing.  The last couple nights have really cooled down ~ low in the 50s ~ a sure sign that summer has once again flown by with the wind and that fall is just around the corner. 

We spent over an hour out in the yard last evening watching the continuing shower of meteors in the night sky.  The girls had never seen such a wonderous sight ~ so many streaks in short amount of time.  Mailee had never even seen a shooting star, so she was absolutely THRILLED, screeching with delight at each stream of fire across the star-filled sky.  She'd shout, "There's one!" and grab my arm with one hand while pointing with the other..  then snuggle up close to await the next, whispering, "I love you, mommy..."  in my ear.  It was one of the nicest things we've done this summer.

In close, I will share a not so great pic of our blanketed spot in the yard ~ much too dark, but I like the photo's reminder of how sometimes the most beautiful of things in life that seem so out of reach can truly be much closer than we realize, if we only choose to see.

 

 

 

Under My Skin..

Ahhh... To be strolling along the ocean shore right about NOW.....

So the last week and a half has been challenging at times.  Dealing with this Bell's Palsy crap on top of all the other stresses in my life that probably LEAD to the disorder to begin with (unless you ask my acupuncturist, who insists the WIND is the culprit!) just wasn't how I envisioned my summer coming to a close.  I won't get into sharing all the worries and the fears and the tears that overcame me in my weaker moments.  I'll move on with the latest news and choose to keep this particular outlook for as long as possible!

There is no change in the paralysis.  Although each day, I do feel something a little different and even that varies...  Whether it's my ability to relax my face when I am still, or eat without biting my lip off.  The "bum" side feels bruised in some areas, and I would almost contribute this to the acupuncture treatments (which I LOVE btw...), but won't due to the fact that my "good" side is fine minus the black eye (not uncommon or unwelcome, WHATEVER WORKS!!)  I am still unable to smile, blink or twitch even the slightest.  It's very frustrating at times, to stare into the mirror and put all possible concentration into making those muscles move... and nothing happens. 

TODAY, the change that I have felt is something I am told is a good thing.  I feel like bugs are crawling under my skin.  Yeah.  That's right.  Every few minutes it's as if a million little creepy crawlies are invading my otherwise unmoving face!  This, I was told, is a sign that things are moving around from going under the needles...  That it's doing its thing and helping in some way.  That's all I needed to know.  Bugs or no bugs ~ I wanna spit out my toothpaste like a normal person!  I'm also finding speech a little easier ~ a little less tiring perhaps.  Just getting used to it, I guess.

My Doctor also called me today, which was very encouraging because she basically said at my appt. last week that there's nothing really to do but wait and see.  She said that after we met, she had done some research of a past case she had a few years ago, where the woman used electrical stimulation of the nerves (::winking at Nance::) along with physical therapy of the facial muscles.  She is going to call and refer me to a specialist in Neurology at Dartmouth Hitchcock Memorial and hopefully squeeze me in as early as next week.  My insurance will cover this, unlike the acupuncture which I have had to borrow money to pay for.

Last night, I went to a get together with some friends from work.  It was EXACTLY what I needed right now.  Reassurances that I am okay, that I will continue to be okay and that I am cared for by so many.  We laughed and joked until my face hurt and then ate a lot and drank wine as we watched Catch and Release.  After having dreaded going back to work like this, I am actually looking very forward to it now.  I'm looking forward to the warmth and the love that I receive as I walk through those doors each day.  These kids know me.  I will use this as a learning tool...  Life throws curves sometimes.  Sometimes you hit, and sometimes you miss.  This is so minor, so manageable in comparison to the pain and struggles so many others deal with each day.  How dare I look to the stars and complain, when I am so incredibly blessed in so many countless and wonderful ways?

May your blessings be many and your troubles few...  Today and always.

(thank you Donna, for the tag!)

 

Tags: Palsy, Acupuncture, electronic nerve therapy, creepy crawlies!!!

A Story

As she runs wild and free into the open meadow, wildflowers dance and bloom with the rush of her movements...  She feels the wind...  Oh, the lure of the powerful wind...  Pulling her this way ~ urging her that way.  Her heart races with anticipation. Her hair, long and wild, whips at her face as she springs forth to the open water...  Breathless, she cries out as she falls to the surface...  Time and again, she has come to this place.  Her heart filled with sorrow... Thirsting for hope.  Time and again, her hopes lingered on, as she searched in vain the vacant, murky waters for her heart's one desire.

She is still.  Her dark eyes aching with the need to see what is never there.... What will never be there...  She claws at the glassy surface, shattering her reflection, anger rising within her as she once again accepts all that cannot be.

As tears burn her eyes shut tight, she rests her head against the soft, damp moss along the water's edge.  She feels the warmth of a setting sun, gentle and consoling on her skin.  She allows her hopes to remain, as her fingers dance upon the watery stage...

Opening her eyes and rising up to peer one last time into the shadowy depths of the water, a single tear drop glistens as it slides off her cheek into her reflection below. 

Her eyes... Do they deceive her?  She croutches low, searching... hoping... and finally believing as the water mirrors the truth she has so longed to see.

Peace washes over her as she gazes with wonder at this beautiful sight...  The miracle she has waited a thousand lifetimes for... 

And with her wings, she flies free...

 

(Thank you, to Nancy, for the beautiful gift... and to Donna, for creating it)

Your Monday Photo Shoot: Cemeteries

Your Monday Photo Shoot: Cemeteries

Your Monday Photo Shoot: Take a picture of, or in, a cemetery. Your local cemetery is good, but if you've been to, say, Paris, to see Jim Morrison's grave, or took some arty shots of an ornate headstone elsewhere, something like that works, too.

(side note:  I will be updating soon, but wanted to just take a moment to post my entry for today's shoot.  I'm also trying to catch up on all your wonderful words, as accessing journals has truly become a timely matter, with the recent DRAWL...  (NO, not mine, AOLs!  ;o) )

Meet the neighbors...  ::smile::   This picturesque dwelling place sits alongside the condominium complex where I live.  Many of the names are familiar to me, some more so than others.  While I won't say that it is my most favorite part of living where I do, I must admit that I never hesitate to allow my eyes to wander over it's beauty as I pass each day.

There is a small wooded area that shields the view of the cemetery from my front door, as well as a fence running alongside the boundaries.  When the girls were young, we spent a lot of time up in the woods there at that fence.  We built fairy houses out of twigs, leaves and rocks (or anything else we could find), and we even created our own "secret" spot for some memorable friends...  Purdy the Cockatiel, Pepper the Guinea Pig, and a poor, innocent newborn chickadee that fell from his nest prematurely. 

The girls seem to be too old for such games now.  We rarely go up there anymore.  But there were many memorable moments shared with our peaceful neighbors once upon a time.  Just ask the fairies...  ::smiling::

This is the entrance to the woods ~ our own little enchanted place:

 

 

 

Tags: Your Monday Photo Shoot, Cemeteries, Fairies, enchanted forests

Sincere Thanks and Appreciation

First and foremost, I wish to sincerely thank each and every one of you ~ known and unknown ~ who have visited, commented, emailed, thought of and prayed for me with regard to my previous post and unsettling news.  This whole thing really has thrown me for a loop, but it is certainly nothing to wrap my entire being around.  I'm trying to relax and rejoice in the fact that it isn't anything worse and will more likely than not, find it's way out of my system in due time.

My symptoms are fullfledged at this point.  I am unable to pronounce words properly, which really messes up and cancels out the job I was to start on Monday.  I can't very well assist a nonverbal child with his communication challenges when I have one of my own!  Eating and drinking are major chores ~ which may be a good thing by the time this blows over!  I may reach my weight loss goal yet!  I am taping my eye shut at night, and keeping it protected with my trusty pirate's patch.  It becomes very irritated at times and vision becomes blurry, but I use drops with is very soothing.  My hearing is hypersensitive...  a sudden drop of a spoon or a closed door is absolutely piercing!   I have a constant dull ache in my neck and cheek on the affected side, but NOTHING that is keeping me from going through my days with ease ~ and hopes for a speedy recovery are neverending. 

I have an appointment this afternoon to meet with an acupuncturist, which I've been hearing is very beneficial.  He was very excited when I told him what my ailment was!  Excited to treat me, he so kindly corrected himself, as he has helped many Bell's sufferers in the past.  I've always been intrigued by acupuncture...  Hopefully it will be a treat rather than a bother. 

My follow up appointment with my Doc is set for Monday, and we will obviously go from there.  There isn't much else to share, as this has been the primary focus of my life the last few days...  Amanda DID have a most wonderful time at camp, and is on her way to Soul Fest in Gilford as we speak, with the same group of friends and youth leaders.  Mailee and I will be spending the day together and will visit my mom later this evening for dinner.  My whole family is surrounding me with love and care and concern...  The most wonderful gifts a person could ever be given. 

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU, for all your support and well wishes!!

Tags: Bell's Palsy, acupuncture, SazzyD'sTags,

Forcing A Smile (literally)

I awoke this morning to a seemingly normal day... 

As always, I made my way downstairs into the kitchen to make a pot of coffee and a slice of toast for breakfast. 

The girls, already awake, were watching tv in their rooms, so I went about preparing bowls of cereal for them, feeling a bit guilty that I hadn't risen before them on such a beautiful morning.  Summers can be like that... 

My eyes seemed a little puffy from a somewhat restless night.  I'd been having headaches and neck pain for days, and the Tylenol I took before bed took a while to kick in.  Oftentimes, when this happens, I use a paper towel and cold water to soothe my eyes and they always feel better after that.  But not today.

Within moments, an almost numbing sensation crept across my lips.  It felt as if I had just received a Novocain injection in my mouth.  What was going on?  Had I slept wrong?  Had my face had fallen asleep like my arm does sometimes? 

I grabbed a mirror off the wall to investigate this strange sensation...  To my dismay and utter confusion, I could not move one side of my mouth.  I couldn't pucker up!  I returned the mirror to it's rightly place and made myself a cup of coffee.  Surely this was a very temporary thing...  But what was going on??

It took me forever to drink that cup of coffee... 

I went upstairs to brush my teeth, which in itself was a chore and a half.  I found that I could not even spit!  This was getting ridiculous! 

I gazed at myself in the mirror... not quite sure of what to do.  All sorts of thoughts and fears were running through my mind.  Yet within moments, I was laughing it off.  Sure that it was just a freakthing that would subside.

That's when I noticed my eyes.  When I blinked, my right eye stayed completely open.  I tried to force a smile, but the right side of my mouth wouldn't move. 

It wasn't going to be such a normal day after all.

 

To make my long, five-hours-at-three-different-hospitals-later story short, I have been diagnosed with Bell's Palsy.  A neurological disorder that is caused by damage to the facial nerve.  It can be caused by a virus, but can also be a symptom of Lyme Disease, which I was tested for and will receive the results tomorrow.  I also received a CT scan.  Two actually, because they didn't get it all in there the first time.  I never realized that I was claustrophobic until today.  I had to really focus on not hyperventilating and staying completely still.  I always thought those machines looked so simple.  And REALLY they are, I was just affected differently today and reacted in a very unexpected and fearful way.

This is something that may or may not go away.  And the time frame is varied.  Three out of four BP patients return to normal within 3-6 weeks.  Some take longer.  As I've come to find out, some live with it for many years or longer.

I know that this isn't really life altering like some diagnoses are.  I cannot tell you, how thankful I was, when the nurse who took my scan arrived in the waiting room to tell me I was free to go.  Had it been worse... had it been what they were scanning for...   I can't even imagine.  I was calm and collected as I waited, not allowing myself or my thoughts to even go there. 

So right now, as I sit here with the use of my hands, my watery eye and my forced half smile, I am feeling very blessed indeed.  I felt the need to record and share this day, as it will be the beginning of a journey into the unknown.  A bit uncomfortable, a bit unnerved (literally), but otherwise very, very grateful. 

Thank you...  for reading, for listening and for caring.  Hugs to you all!

            (thanks to the Sazzy one for the tag!)

 

Tags: Bell's Palsy