(near) Clarification

My last entry stirred up some concern and i apologize for not having explained myself or the reason behind such a post. Sometimes we FEEL things which are not exactly the way they are. i DO consider myself extremely blessed and know better than almost anyone that my life is full in countless ways, and it is never my intention to forget or lessen who and what makes that so.

Summer has officially begun (meaning, that my time at school is done and i am now on a bit more regular schedule, even if that regular schedule is somewhat irregular ~ which i know makes absolutely no sense at all. except to me). Most of today was spent cleaning and catching up on the endless pile of laundry and carpet cleaning (my cats are giving me a time of it, and i've just about drained my brain of ideas to keep them from ruining the pleasant fragrance of home). The skies have been unpredictable, so i've not dared to venture off to any lake or poolside chair. As a matter of fact, things are pretty gray out there at the moment.... Maybe we'll luck out and have a fantastic storm.

Things i've done lately:

Walked through a field of tall grass and spied a bunny, looking frightened yet extremely cute.

Saw a hundred fireflies in said field and cupped one in my hand before watching it fly away to join the others in mated bliss.

Took a friend who needed a pick-me-up out to lunch and said goodbye to those moving/retiring, etc...

Joined Ladies Workout Express ~ orientation today @ 5:30.

Made reservations at The Anchorage in York, Maine for 3 nights in August.

Started painting/writing again.


There's more, but nothing i feel a pressing need to share at the moment.





The following poem speaks to me on many levels....

Guardian Angel
by Rolf Jacobsen

I am the bird that knocks
at your window in the morning
and your companion,
whom you cannot know,
the blossoms that light up for the blind.
I am the glacier’s crest above the forests,
the dazzling one
and the brass voices from cathedral towers.
The thought that suddenly comes over you at midday
and fills you with a singular happiness.
I am one you have loved long ago.
I walk alongside you by day
and look intently at you
and put my mouth on your heart
but you don’t know it.
I am your third arm and your second shadow,
the white one,
whom you don’t have the heart for
and who cannot ever forget you.


Beautiful.

Emptiness

Something

When I discontinued the artificial sweeteners and added milk (skim) and juice (100%) back into my diet and REAL sugar in my coffee/tea , I wasn't expecting the results I've had. Zero headaches in almost three weeks. Unless you count the afternoon I had nothing but artificially sweetened iced tea in the fridge and allowed myself two tall glasses, doubting that it was really something so simple causing such horrendous aches in my head.... Regret settled in not long after.

So there's something.

Everyone needs a little something sometimes. Something to keep the mind busy with random thoughts and reasons to keep things moving in some sort of forward direction. I've been delighted to have finally figured out what was going on up there, really. The pain in my head is really gone. I can think more clearly now. FANTASTIC.

So perhaps a little added sweetness isn't always the answer.

I've been doing the Facebook thing... Finding old friends from 20 or so years ago ~ most of whom I haven't seen for an equal amount of time. It's fun, leaving little notes on each other's walls and playing absolutely POINTLESS games and quizzes just for the hell of it. There are a few folks heading this way for alumni weekend. I'll be working. And I'm thankful for that. But I also feel I'm missing out a bit. Interestingly enough (i say that a lot), I could probably meet the gang at Electra friday night after work, or join in the noontime events and meet for lunch at Salt Hill after the parade... But I won't.

Some days are better than others, aren't they? I had plans for this evening and they fell through. I was slightly irritated, but not overly surprised. It's beautiful out, and I know I should be out enjoying it. Grab a book and a cold one and head to the pool....

Now there's something.

Oh, My Aching Head...

I've been dealing with chronic headache pain for about two months now. At times, an advil or two can dull or even wipe out the ache in a matter of minutes.

Then are the times when no matter what I take it's simply no use and I am quite sure I could put a hammer through my head and it would only feel better.

Thankfully, I've misplaced my hammer... Also, that such moments are fairly few and far between.

Years ago, I had a friend drive me to the ER for a headache which might have been classified as a migraine. The pain was debilitating ~ and to this day, I've never felt anything quite like it again. I could not move my head without it feeling as if there was some sort of twisted metal grinding in my brains. The doctor looked at me as if I were some sort of hypochondriac and all but told me to suck it up. I burst into tears right then and there and walked out. Needless to say, I haven't been in any big hurry to repeat that experience.

Until today, I have attributed my headaches to minor stress related issues, or perhaps a change in sleep patterns and/or pillows. I've also taken into consideration that I am always "stuffed up" and have been trying out different allergy meds to see if there's a connection. All to no avail.

I arrived at my weekend job this afternoon and my boss asked me how I was feeling (she knew of my recent illnesses and was concerned ~ couldn't ask for a better boss, to be honest). We chatted a bit and she brought up something that I hadn't even considered, and it was as if the culprit himself walked right up and slapped me upside the head.

Artificial sweeteners.

I've been dieting for a couple months. Trying a few different things and working hard to get back down to the weight I was when I'd lost the most, and hopefully continuing on from there. Interestingly enough, I realized that other than coffee and tea, I've consumed nothing BUT artificially sweetened beverages (flavored water, "tea to go", crystal light, etc...) for the past two months! Even in my coffee and tea, I've used mostly Splenda with an occasional sugar splurge here and there.

So perhaps I have an answer. Or, at the very least, another possibility. So starting now, it's 100% fruit juice and, my personal favorite of all bottled drinks ~ Diet Fuze, which is all natural.

I'm pretty sure my readership has dwindled to one or two loyal friends, but I'm wondering if anyone else has had similar experiences with headaches or side effects from artificial sweeteners. If not you (which I sincerely hope is the case), perhaps someone you know?

Will continue posting.... Again, it's been far too long.

The Final Rose ~ The Heart Gets In The Way

I did something really foolish.

I had my cable turned back on.

Every so often, I'll realize how ridiculous it is to be paying the same amount to keep my electric running as it is to keep my TV going.... I've been rather content for the past few months, not to have that hefty cable bill delivered to my mailbox. Not only that, but it sure is a lot more peaceful in the house without that background noise. Noise that I'm hearing right now, as a matter of fact. Just because.

So the first show I happened to actually watch rather than just listen to had to be The Bachelor. The final rose episode, of course... When after weeks of living with all these women and dumping one or more week after week, he finally makes that fateful decision between the two women he's chosen as his final two. Heart-wrenching shit, let me tell ya...

Seriously.

I cried like a baby, and I'm not ashamed to say it. I mean I AM ashamed to say that I cried over such a sensationalistic show. However, I'm NOT ashamed to say that I cried because , well, I'm an emotional woman after all and a good cry can lead to resolving internal issues and can cleanse a soul. At least that's what I've always been told.

Interestingly enough, the man changed his mind. I mean, really. He THINKS he's chosen "the one", you know? Sure as the sky is blue, he made the right decision at the time. Then life.... Well, we all know about life and what THAT can do...

So he breaks things off with his first choice and breaks her heart much in the same way he broke the other lady's heart the first time around. And THEN, tells the other woman in front of the entire world, that he made a mistake, loves and has always loved her, and wants another chance. Of course, her feelings have never changed because, well, she had fallen in love with him as it was. And those sort of feelings don't just stop overnight. Or at all, from my experience.

So, when do we know? I mean really. People fall in and out of love every day. Following your heart one way on this day, may mean following it in an entirely different direction the next. Not even days... sometimes months or even years go by before our hearts lead us in directions and to places we'd never imagined or thought of or realized existed. When the heart gets in the way of all that we know, all that we THINK we know ~ it can shake us to the core. It can also lead to happiness beyond anything we've ever known. Exciting? Fulfilling? Terrifying? All the above. Just do it. Don't let yourself get so caught up in the have to's and the must do's, or the why's and how's. Just love. Just live. Life offers no second chances. Just follow.

Coming Around Again

So here I am, almost three months since my last confession... err.. I mean, reflection... and I don't even know where to begin. I DO know, that I miss writing. I've been doing so little of it lately, be it journaling, letter writing or what have you... It's almost to the point where it feels unnatural. Which is frustrating in and of itself, because I USED to find it the most natural, easiest way to express myself. Where did that go?

Pen in hand isn't any easier, believe me. I've received several letters, cards, etc., over the past year, and those of you who haven't heard from me in return are probably wondering why you bothered at all. Lucky for me, I have beautiful friends with the kindest of hearts and know that I'm easily forgiven. Knowing that doesn't make me any less irritated with myself, though.

And so it goes...

Life, is good. My heart is damn near full and my darling little angels aren't nearly as little, angelic OR darling as they once were. But they both ARE very much maturing into wonderful, more-often-than-not well adjusted, beautiful young people...

I've taken on a second job, which has been more of a blessing than a burden, even with the added time away from my family. Weekends are a must, but the four to five hour shifts go by rather quickly and, more importantly, I've a little more income to dig into when the wolf comes a'howling.

Funny, though ~ There doesn't seem to be a whole lot to share about the past several months. My life journey continues as a whirlwind of sorts... Climbing higher than i'd ever imagined until it seems there is nothing left to dream of and no place else to land one minute, to plunging head first into circumstance and consequence the next.

We live. We love. We learn.

Till we meet again....

It's been far too long since I've visited these pages. Oh, I know I always grumble about not having enough time, or having too many other things on my plate. But since when did writing become a chore, rather than a pleasure? I may not have a whole lot to say or to share, but I've almost forgotten how to simply write for myself. I miss allowing myself that freedom. That expressive outlet. But where did it go? And why? No one took it from me. In fact, some have expressed concern about why I haven't been writing, and how things have been going in my life since my last entry. I had a blog-scare a few weeks ago, when someone emailed me to say Reflections had disappeared! Oh, how I scrambled to find my beloved pages and thankfully, here it sat ~ unscathed but nearly yellowed with age and painful neglect.

Okay, so that may be a slight exaggeration, but still...

Thanksgiving is tomorrow, and the girls and I will be spending it with mom and dad. It's always a quiet and peaceful time for us. Especially now that the girls are older. Dad will be out hunting in the morning, and mom will have done all the prepping by the time we arrive. I'm bringing the dinner rolls and cranberry sauce, but mom takes pride in preparing elaborate holiday dinners, just like her mom, my nana, always did. I know better now, than to ask if I can help. I usually get asked to set the table....

So there are many things I'm thankful for, and I mentioned "blessings" in my sister journal, More Than Words. I thought I'd list a few of them here, in case I find myself forgetting in another day or two.

I'm thankful to God, for His love and guidance. For my beautiful daughters and for the joy they bring to my life. I am thankful they are healthy and happy and both doing well in school. I'm thankful for their father, who gives them more of what they WANT than I ever could, but also for his support for the things they need as well.

I'm thankful for my parents and for the strength they inspire me to find when the going gets tough. I'm thankful for their support in all I do, and for their patience as they watch their daughter continue to struggle to find her way in life, and in love.

I'm thankful for my beloved grandfather, my gramps. Who strives to make every single day count for something, no matter how difficult that day may be. I may not take the time to tell you as often as I should, but I love you.

I'm thankful for my friends. For those who are near ~ who care so much about me that I never have to worry about where to turn in times of need. And for those not so near in miles, but are as close as those I see each and every day ~ and sometimes closer.

I am thankful for the beauty of the earth and all it's creatures. For the gifts that the sky itself brings each and every day and night. For the warmth of the sun and for newly fallen snow. For the scenes and scents of every season, and for the peace that each one brings.




And I am thankful, for YOU.

Happy Thanksgiving!