Friday, November 30, 2007

Pondering the Days Ahead

My daughter Amanda suggested to me that her little sister be informed that Santa Claus doesn't exist so that she will understand if there isn't a lot under the tree this year... 

That stung a little.

Their dad, of course, will make sure they get all they ask for from him.  He spoils them rotten, which is all he knows, and I understand that he needs to connect somehow.  I'm hoping he might save a little something for Santa to deliver, but can't seem to bring myself to ask.  My parents also, are finding all sorts of goodies and crossing off their lists item by item.  I AM thankful, don't get me wrong...  It doesn't matter to me who the gifts come from, considering the reason for celebrating really isn't about the gifts at all... But what child under a certain age gets that?  I just want them to wake up Christmas morning, their first Christmas without him here, and know the joy and surprise and excitement that they ~ and every child on earth, should know.

I remember reading a random journal a while back where the author was upset about someone "ranting and raving" because they didn't have enough money to make ends meet.  The person relaying the information was livid because it appeared this individual had more than enough, simply because she was able to have Internet access and other "luxuries".  My electricity, heat, phone and car payment are my first priorities (the amount of support I receive from him goes straight to my landlord the first of each month), and naturally, that takes care of my whooping $15 a month broadband service.  It IS a luxury, to be able to spend time online, having some sort of entertainment now that cable is out.  I would miss my friends here, if it were to become necessary to shut down for a time...  But if it happens, it happens.

After months of holding back due to my pride, and hope that I would be able to do this somewhat on my own, I finally gave in and applied for all sorts of assistance.  I am on the bottom of every possible waiting list there is, as we arenot in danger (today) of being homeless.  Well, yeah...  of course I am thankful for such a blessing, but I am so fearful of that possibility that my mind is playing around all sorts of scenarios and options surrounding the idea that I could ask him to come home.  I know that he would, even while it was HE who hired a lawyer because I wouldn't get my ass in gear fast enough for him and do it myself because I continue to ask, how can I do this?  And yet, how can I not?  He would move back home in a second.  Not because he loves me to no end and can't imagine his life without me, but because he feels deprived of certain needs being met...  Yes, that is what it all amounted to, when he attempted to work things out with me.  Not, 'hey hon, I really miss you and the girls...  I promise to try and be the husband you deserve..  I won't ignore you, degrade you, neglect you emotionally or brush away all your dreams, needs and doubts as stupid anymore... I will try to be around a little bit more, and be a little more attentive..  I will find ways to show you I care that have nothing to do with material things..."  It was all about missing me in a purely physical sense.  What I've learned, in the last few years or so of my life, is that someone can be there physically without ever even being there at all.  The opposite is quite true as well.  More so, in fact...

A friend of mine recently said to me that if I were to take him back that I should be more than willing to express my love for him, and find it impossible to imagine not spending the rest of my life with him.  I could do neither.  If I were to reconcile with him, it would be for reasons that have nothing to do with my personal hopes, dreams or desires.  It would be for financial reasons and for our girls to have their father home again.  They would continue to see him only rarely, as he would never be willing to change his work hours or days.  We would go back to being roommates, in a house that is not a home, but is merely a place to exist.  I would try to be happy, and would probably look happy most days.  But it would be no different than it was, and the reasons for asking him to leave in the first place would always linger in my heart, and the inevitable would eventually happen some day.  Would there be time left for me?  Would my daughters continue to feel as if their family was a lie?  Would they continue to question everything they know?

The answers to these questions are floating in my heart, because I already know. 

I needed to write tonight.  For myself..  For my mind's attempt to unscramble the fragments of a future that remains uncertain.  I am not writing for advice or pity or any other reason, really...  Just venting.  I DO have faith, that it will all work itself out somehow, and that my girls will have the magical, wondrous Christmas they should have.  I guess it's selfish of me, to want to be the one to give it to them.

Family Dollar, here I come...  ::soft smile:: 



Thursday, November 22, 2007

A Holiday Wish

                 From our hearts to yours....


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             (Thank you Amanda, for the use of your lovely, festive nail art!)

This is a very sentimental day for me, as I have so much to be thankful for and look forward to.  With the sweet scent of blueberry pie lingering in the air, soft, soothing melodies filling the room, and the warmth and comfort of family and friends filling my heart, how could I ever, even for a moment, question the purpose and meaning of my life? 

We're leaving soon to spend the day with my parents, as we usually do Thanksgiving Day.  We've been watching the Macy's Parade, baking and just enjoying each other's company.  All is good.  All is right.

I wish you all the love and joy and understanding that this holiday season brings, and for those that feel it less, or need a little something more to instill warmth in your hearts, I wish you peace.

Happy Thanksgiving.  Thank you for you.


Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Birthday Bliss


Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.
                                                                         -- Marcel Proust

Imagine my delight upon opening my virtual mailbox today... 

It isn't every day, that one's heart is touched in a way that melts the soul.  That the sun shines just a little warmer than it should and that the breeze smells just a little sweeter than it ought to mid-Autumn.

Nancy, what a dear and treasured friend, person and soul you are..  You find ways to make me smile EVERY day, and with this being my 38th birthday, and with you being you, my journal has been filled with the warmth of a house filled with love. THANK YOU FOR YOU.

And to those of you who stopped by on your way through, busy as you all must be this time of year, to wish me a happy day ~ THANK YOU!!  I'm looking forward to visiting all of you in the coming days and reading your journals as well.

To those who sent cards (both virtual and non) or took time to send a special note my way, I hope so much that you know how much your friendships all mean to me and how much you've helped me and lifted me up during some tough times as well as shared smiles with me in the good times.  My life is fuller ~  my BIRTHDAY brighter ~ with special gifts called friends.

Wishing you all warmth and peace and many reasons to give thanks, as Thanksgiving Day approaches ~ and always.



Friday, November 16, 2007

Thank You

I know that there is some serious mud-slinging around these parts...  Not only have I been spared for the most part (::knocking wood::), it seems that I've been somehow blessed with the most caring, kindhearted and thoughtful readers in the land.  THANK YOU, for the most touching, (positive) thought provoking and heartfelt comments left in my previous entries.  I can't begin to tell you, how much all your words and support mean to me. 

Things have been a little better here the last few days.  A little complicated, but that's life for ya.  Mailee made it to camp this evening, and I was so happy to be able to hug her tight and wish her an exciting weekend, seeing the happiness in her smile and in her eyes (I'm still a little worried about that cough, though).  I'm already missing her, and can't wait to see her Sunday afternoon and to hear about her weekend.

I don't have much to share right now.  I mostly wanted to thank you all.  I haven't had a lot of time to visit journals, and I wanted to email each and every one of you to thank you personally, but my time online has been limited lately. 

I hope you all enjoy a peaceful and pleasant weekend!

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thank you Donna, for this beautiful tag!

Tuesday, November 13, 2007


Mailee came home from a weekend away with a barking cough and a touch of laryngitis.  Last night her cough was unyielding, and as I rested my head against her, I could hear her breathing, raspy and shallow...  Concerned that allowing her to go to school would not be in her best interest (nor in the best interest of her fellow classmates), I decided to have her stay home today.  She is leaving Friday, for three days of camp - Wacky November at Clara Barton, with her best friend.  It is a wonderful camp, designated for children with diabetes (her friend has type 1) and they are allowed to bring a friend for the Wacky weekends twice a year.  It's such a highlight for her.  I hope she'll be able to kick this bug before then. 

Of course, all day, with the exception of a couple coughs here and there and still being a little hoarse, she's been fine...  And now I'm feeling completely guilty for not being in class myself, knowing what a time our students have when one of us is out (not to mention how it is when we ARE both there).  Still, it's better to be safe than sorry.  Right?  ::sigh::

It's no secret that I've been feeling pretty out of sorts lately...  I'm struggling with many emotions, juggling and weighing decisions that need to be made - and soon, before I fall into a hole too deep to pull myself out of.  I'm having that old familiar need to withdraw.  If I'm to be completely honest with myself, I'm neglecting my life.  Sometimes, I even fear I am neglecting my family.  I was looking over a scrapbook that Mailee has been working on, and came upon some old photos of her and her sister when they were much younger...  For some reason, I just fell apart.  I can't even tell you why.

I attended church with a friend on Sunday...  It's the only first or second time I've been since June.  It wasn't the church I normally go to, but it was nice.  I enjoyed the music.  My friend had to take care of things in the nursery, so she left me sitting alone in the back row.  I didn't really feel as much of a connection as I always did in my church, but for some reason, I haven't been able to bring myself to get up and go on Sunday mornings.  The girls both bowed out of choir this year.  I miss hearing them sing in church.  Many of the "regular" families have left and it just doesn't feel the same anymore.  I guess that makes me sad in a way, so I haven't been going.  Maybe that's part of my problem...  But there's this other part of me that is content with feeling God's presence in my day to day and communicating with him on a more personal level.  For now, I'm okay with that.  I think He is, too.

That's it for me...   Hope all is well with everyone.  Thank you for all your comments and well wishes. 

Love Much,




(taken from a "Scattered Pieces" post, Oct. 13, 2007  (formally known as "More Reflections") these words seem relevant to my emotional state as of late.)


My moods are carried by the wind these days it seems...  From one swirling gust to the next, I drift along on this (lonesome) journey.  Never quite knowing, yet knowing all too well and all too much.  My days are filled with swift turns and spiraling plunges, uplifting twists and downward falls.  There simply HAS to be a rhyme and reason to it all.  Some days, it seems so obvious and so very right.  It's in those other days roaming with uncertainty and those other nights stumbling in the dark that I feel so alone. 

And yet I am never alone, carrying all that I do in my heart. 

Friday, November 9, 2007

On All Fours... (don't even go there...)

My dear friend Nancy kindly tagged me to journal my "Four Things" list!  This is a fun meme ~ one that I've done before some odd months (or is it years?) ago, but since I didn't follow through on the interviews that were requested of me (and I do apologize to the few that were thoughtful - and daring - enough to ask!), I felt I had better shape up and kick myself out of this funk and do something fun. 

So here goes my not-so-fabulous fours (second edition):

Four Jobs I've Had



Emergency Room admissions

Live-in nanny

Movies I can watch over and over
On Golden Pond
The Horse Whisperer
The Bridges of Madison County

4 Places I have lived

Lebanon, NH

Enfield, NH

Beverly, MA

WEST  Lebanon, NH!

4 TV shows I love to watch


Grey's Anatomy

Desperate Housewives

Brothers and Sisters (probably because I have none and the idea of such a big family fascinates me!)

4 Places I’ve been to on vacation

Wildwood Crest, NJ

Niagara Falls

York, Maine

Disney World

4 Websites I visit daily

Can't think of even one that I visit daily...

4 Favorite Dishes

Any seafood dish

Turkey dinner at Thanksgiving

Mom's Christmas Eve Oyster Stew

Cream chipped beef on mashed potato


4 Places I’d rather be right now

Some place warm...

Overlooking some place peaceful

Completely content

In the arms of an angel.

4 People I’m tagging
You, you, you and YES EVEN YOU!!

Saturday, November 3, 2007

'Pretty good - for a young fella..'

Today we celebrated my Grandpa's 90th birthday.  For weeks my mom had been beside herself with thoughts of this gathering she had been planning, calling family and friends, organizing food and drink, and praying that the remnants of hurricane what's his name would spare us it's torrential downpour (it didn't).  Gramps knew only that the immediate family would be coming - mom, dad, myself and my girls.  He had no clue that most of the town would be coming to call, or that the great pig would be driven over after roasting all day at a neighbor's house. 

What a memorable event for all...  It isn't very often that you meet a man like my Grandpa.  He's a rock - with a heart of gold.  After losing his wife of what felt like a hundred years to Alzheimer's last year, I was almost sure he would succumb to depression as I watched his heart struggle to regain it's strength.  He also had to have surgeries - three of them, to be exact - to remove cancer from his face and eye.  Now, seeing how he has overcome so much, keeping his head held high and continuing to push through each day with determination and strength, I am myself overcome with love and pride for a man who has taught me much about living life to the fullest and finding beauty and comfort in things both large and small. 

When you ask him how he's doing, he will always answer the same way:  "Pretty good, for a young fella."  When you ask him what he did that day, the answer comes in a list that will shock you.  He tends a vegetable garden every year, does his own grocery shopping, cooking, housework and laundry (never using a dryer, but hanging his clothes out to dry and on a rack in the colder months), brings in wood for his wood stove, mows most of his 5 acres of land on his riding lawnmower, and just recently passed his driver's test, renewing his license for the next 5 years. 

Things my Grandpa taught me:

Never let your line sit at the bottom of the pond...  bring is up a bit and keep it tight enough to feel the fish bite.

Shut the damn light off.

Never say 'goodbye'.  Only 'good day' or 'good night'.

Walk your visitors out when they leave and wave as they drive away.

To cup my hands together and blow like a train whistle.

To support, love and accept your family when they are doing what makes them happy, even if you disagree.  And when they fall, be there to pick up the pieces.

Country music soothes the soul.

Never give up.

Family ~ is everything.