Tuesday, November 13, 2007


Mailee came home from a weekend away with a barking cough and a touch of laryngitis.  Last night her cough was unyielding, and as I rested my head against her, I could hear her breathing, raspy and shallow...  Concerned that allowing her to go to school would not be in her best interest (nor in the best interest of her fellow classmates), I decided to have her stay home today.  She is leaving Friday, for three days of camp - Wacky November at Clara Barton, with her best friend.  It is a wonderful camp, designated for children with diabetes (her friend has type 1) and they are allowed to bring a friend for the Wacky weekends twice a year.  It's such a highlight for her.  I hope she'll be able to kick this bug before then. 

Of course, all day, with the exception of a couple coughs here and there and still being a little hoarse, she's been fine...  And now I'm feeling completely guilty for not being in class myself, knowing what a time our students have when one of us is out (not to mention how it is when we ARE both there).  Still, it's better to be safe than sorry.  Right?  ::sigh::

It's no secret that I've been feeling pretty out of sorts lately...  I'm struggling with many emotions, juggling and weighing decisions that need to be made - and soon, before I fall into a hole too deep to pull myself out of.  I'm having that old familiar need to withdraw.  If I'm to be completely honest with myself, I'm neglecting my life.  Sometimes, I even fear I am neglecting my family.  I was looking over a scrapbook that Mailee has been working on, and came upon some old photos of her and her sister when they were much younger...  For some reason, I just fell apart.  I can't even tell you why.

I attended church with a friend on Sunday...  It's the only first or second time I've been since June.  It wasn't the church I normally go to, but it was nice.  I enjoyed the music.  My friend had to take care of things in the nursery, so she left me sitting alone in the back row.  I didn't really feel as much of a connection as I always did in my church, but for some reason, I haven't been able to bring myself to get up and go on Sunday mornings.  The girls both bowed out of choir this year.  I miss hearing them sing in church.  Many of the "regular" families have left and it just doesn't feel the same anymore.  I guess that makes me sad in a way, so I haven't been going.  Maybe that's part of my problem...  But there's this other part of me that is content with feeling God's presence in my day to day and communicating with him on a more personal level.  For now, I'm okay with that.  I think He is, too.

That's it for me...   Hope all is well with everyone.  Thank you for all your comments and well wishes. 

Love Much,





chat2missie said...

Hope she feels better soon.  That camp sounds exciting.

rdautumnsage said...

I think sometimes we feel as if we are not suppose to hurt or allow our sorrow to show. I do know from personal experience burying it deep enough never works. It grows roots that tangle themselves in you until you finally face the fact the little something is now a tree you can't see around. Your human hon, a compassionate, loving woman. Give yourself a break and don't be so hard on you. If you need to be in this place at this time of your life; Allow yourself the grace period to stay there until your ready to accept these emotions for what they are. No one likes the way something like this makes them feel. But rushing themselves beyond what is actually going on to just get past it, never fully resolves it either.

It's perfectly normal for you to feel and hurt the way you have been. Your not alone , I'm here if you ever need to talk. I wish you could see the amazing woman I see in your words and you. (Hugs) Indigo

radar446 said...

If you are neglecting yourself, then I bet you are neglecting your family.  You have to take care of yourself before you can be of any good to anyone else.  Sounds like you need to block out some time to do only what you want to do.  You need to recharge...only then will you be able to be there for yourself and for your loved ones.


tendernoggle said...

I can so relate to how you are feeling about your Church...I too am having a very hard time with it... I know God loves you no matter where you worship.
love ya,

nhd106 said...

You must feel like you're in a "lose/lose" situation.  Stay home and do right by Mailee vs. go in and do right by the students.   Someone loses somewhere.   Right?  Well, the truth is that you're the one losing by doing this to yourself.  You make fantastic decisions and are one of the most caring people I know.  
I also have a hunch (not sure though) that maybe seeing the pics of the kids as little girls, it reminded you of a time when you really thought and believed that you would all be one big happy family.  Now that dream is shattered.   And sadly, even you know that it probably never was that happy family anyway.  Now if that isn't worth a good sob, I don't know what is.
Even if I'm completely off track, you still deserve to be happy, especially with yourself.    You're the best!
Love and a REAL tight hug,

alwaysireneann said...

I know those feelings of "withdrawl" ohhh to well.  I am thinking about you and praying for you.  Love & Hugs ~ Irene http://journals.aol.com/alwaysireneann/meet-me-at-the-breakfast-table

queeniemart said...

i understand why you felt as you did when you saw the pics...part of you feels guilty for even feeling disconnected or depressed because it takes you away from worrying or totally being there for the girls....i feel that way all the time....i have worked, as you have, and have missed some mundane and some biggies in my kids lives and the guilt is enough to make me shut totally down. YOU are a wonderful mom and a WONDEROUS person....such a gentle soul/friend. I wish i could talk to you or hug you because i would do anything to make you see what i see....i understand the church thing too. I pray that Mailee feels better and can go camping this weekend.
LOVE, lisa

lanurseprn said...

I totally understand what you mean about withdrawing. I neglect my life a lot! It's a fight not to do that for me. Believe me, you are not alone.
I also get kind of down looking at old pics of my son when he was small. I think about what I could have done to keep the family together (even though it was impossible and I know that now). It's awful sometimes.
I hope you feel better today.

helmswondermom said...

I'm sorry things have been hard for you lately.  I hope that you are able to cope and find the peace that you need.  I do the "withdrawing" thing, too.  Sometimes that's okay, but mostly it's not -- especially not if it's going to affect your happiness or quality of life.