Friday, November 30, 2007

Pondering the Days Ahead

My daughter Amanda suggested to me that her little sister be informed that Santa Claus doesn't exist so that she will understand if there isn't a lot under the tree this year... 

That stung a little.

Their dad, of course, will make sure they get all they ask for from him.  He spoils them rotten, which is all he knows, and I understand that he needs to connect somehow.  I'm hoping he might save a little something for Santa to deliver, but can't seem to bring myself to ask.  My parents also, are finding all sorts of goodies and crossing off their lists item by item.  I AM thankful, don't get me wrong...  It doesn't matter to me who the gifts come from, considering the reason for celebrating really isn't about the gifts at all... But what child under a certain age gets that?  I just want them to wake up Christmas morning, their first Christmas without him here, and know the joy and surprise and excitement that they ~ and every child on earth, should know.

I remember reading a random journal a while back where the author was upset about someone "ranting and raving" because they didn't have enough money to make ends meet.  The person relaying the information was livid because it appeared this individual had more than enough, simply because she was able to have Internet access and other "luxuries".  My electricity, heat, phone and car payment are my first priorities (the amount of support I receive from him goes straight to my landlord the first of each month), and naturally, that takes care of my whooping $15 a month broadband service.  It IS a luxury, to be able to spend time online, having some sort of entertainment now that cable is out.  I would miss my friends here, if it were to become necessary to shut down for a time...  But if it happens, it happens.

After months of holding back due to my pride, and hope that I would be able to do this somewhat on my own, I finally gave in and applied for all sorts of assistance.  I am on the bottom of every possible waiting list there is, as we arenot in danger (today) of being homeless.  Well, yeah...  of course I am thankful for such a blessing, but I am so fearful of that possibility that my mind is playing around all sorts of scenarios and options surrounding the idea that I could ask him to come home.  I know that he would, even while it was HE who hired a lawyer because I wouldn't get my ass in gear fast enough for him and do it myself because I continue to ask, how can I do this?  And yet, how can I not?  He would move back home in a second.  Not because he loves me to no end and can't imagine his life without me, but because he feels deprived of certain needs being met...  Yes, that is what it all amounted to, when he attempted to work things out with me.  Not, 'hey hon, I really miss you and the girls...  I promise to try and be the husband you deserve..  I won't ignore you, degrade you, neglect you emotionally or brush away all your dreams, needs and doubts as stupid anymore... I will try to be around a little bit more, and be a little more attentive..  I will find ways to show you I care that have nothing to do with material things..."  It was all about missing me in a purely physical sense.  What I've learned, in the last few years or so of my life, is that someone can be there physically without ever even being there at all.  The opposite is quite true as well.  More so, in fact...

A friend of mine recently said to me that if I were to take him back that I should be more than willing to express my love for him, and find it impossible to imagine not spending the rest of my life with him.  I could do neither.  If I were to reconcile with him, it would be for reasons that have nothing to do with my personal hopes, dreams or desires.  It would be for financial reasons and for our girls to have their father home again.  They would continue to see him only rarely, as he would never be willing to change his work hours or days.  We would go back to being roommates, in a house that is not a home, but is merely a place to exist.  I would try to be happy, and would probably look happy most days.  But it would be no different than it was, and the reasons for asking him to leave in the first place would always linger in my heart, and the inevitable would eventually happen some day.  Would there be time left for me?  Would my daughters continue to feel as if their family was a lie?  Would they continue to question everything they know?

The answers to these questions are floating in my heart, because I already know. 

I needed to write tonight.  For myself..  For my mind's attempt to unscramble the fragments of a future that remains uncertain.  I am not writing for advice or pity or any other reason, really...  Just venting.  I DO have faith, that it will all work itself out somehow, and that my girls will have the magical, wondrous Christmas they should have.  I guess it's selfish of me, to want to be the one to give it to them.

Family Dollar, here I come...  ::soft smile:: 

Me

 

15 comments:

siennastarr said...

Chelle... you know what? I raised my twins on my own from the time they were 3 years old, until they graduated from highschool. There father paid a lousy 510.00 a month for BOTH of them.  Not a piece.. but for both.  That is nothing!  We barely made ends meet, and I worked my ass off, even when I was diagnosed with Cancer.  I still went to work every single day.. bald, sick, achy and all.  I had to.  But.. you know what?  As hard as I tried I could never afford to give my kids the kind of Christmas they deserved.  Why?  Because the bills came first, and presents were second.  Somehow, they understood that, and even today when I have cried because I couldn't give them that 'perfect' Christmas, they always say, "Mom.. it's okay.  You worked hard, and showed us both what it takes to be strong.  Christmas isn't just about gifts.. it's about being together.  Besides, you always got us something in February when you're income tax money came in! lol"  So.. they did get something, but it wasn't at Christmas.
You would be surprised at how understanding your children can be, Chelle.  Sometimes we need to give them more credit than we do.  You're a good mom.. you work hard, and you try to do the right thing.  Don't ever feel guilty because you need a little help from family, friends or the state.  There are plenty of people out there leeching off the government that are just to damn lazy to get off their asses and work.
Don't be so hard on yourself, sweetie..   Things will work out fine.. just take it to the Lord in prayer, and trust that He will see you through.
Sorry for the long comment, but you really touched on a nerve with this entry!!
I can relate to how you're feeling, totally!
Hugs and love
Jackie
http://journals.aol.com/siennastarr/Hopefloats/

chat2missie said...

I know so many couples that are together for "Finacial" reasons only.  I think you being happy is more important that any financial relationship, but then again, it is your life and your decision.  I understand both sides to the situation.
Missie

geminiwilder said...

This just brought tears to my eyes because I can relate all too well to your situation. Not just alike, but alike enough to feel your sadness. I'm adding you to my journal if you'd like to come by, ok?  
~Phinney

mariebm56 said...

Chelle,
I was there, once, I relate to this WAY to much.  My first Christmas without my husband, was difficult.  I was not working & relied on his financial support. I was an emotional wreck.... For Xmas, he gave me 150 for all three kids (I used to spend more than that on each).  Now that might seem like a lot, but I live in NY & my expenses are higher than the average American.  He is a contractor, so he had the money.  I had to asked him to help me out with Santa gifts.  He did, but only a little, but it was something.  Sometimes we need to put our pride aside to make sure our kids are not hurt.
Although I would have lived with my ex for financial reasons, I was glad he was out of the house.   I could not longer survive the emotional roller coaster ride with him.
{{{HUGS}}}
Marie

pippa1116 said...

i so relate to this.  on so many levels...........
take care
tina

helmswondermom said...

Just remember in the long run, many years from now, they will know that you, their mother, were there for them in hundreds of ways that have nothing to do with Christmas.  I do hope things work out well for you.  Take care!
Lori

queeniemart said...

your character......your inner beauty......your LOVE for them.....your consistant (sp?) presence that is drug free and sober IS showing your daughters something many do not have. I UNDERSTAND ALL OF THIS WELL......i know you feel you NEED to get more gifts to show them things are ok and you CAN do it alone and you think they will feel let down if you do not have it all but even if right now they cannot see it or express it, the fact you are there and you are always there making them safe and they have a home and heat and food and they are not raised in fear is a gift. Trust me on this. They are not going to express this for 10 yrs or so but you are a damn good mom and a wonderful person.
We have not had any money in years but i get my kids at least one nice gift and i try to not weep after it is opened and there is not more. So, they have been raised like this. If, in a few more yrs, they down grade me for only having the one present, i can not stop them but i will know i TRIED and that i was sober and always there. life is so hard to figure out my friend.
Love, lj

redsneakz said...

I'm sorry that it's going to be financially rough there.  But you should hold your head up that you're thinking ahead that G-d forbid you might need assistance, that you're more concerned with your kids' emotional welfare than your own financial comfort, and that you really do have their, and  your, best interests at heart.

wildautumn1 said...

I can relate to what you are going through too. It's hard. We always want the best for our kids. My ex left 10 days before Christmas. My kids were 6 mos & 2 1/2 years old. I went overboard on the presents. I guess I was trying to compensate for the loss.  Trying to make them happy. When all the presents were opened, my kids & I just sat there & cried. They are a lot older now & beginning to understand.

mleighin21st said...

Yes, it will be hard.  You'll want to give them more than you can afford.  The love you have for your children is the most precious gift of all.  Make some memories, those last a lifetime.  Best wishes to you.  
                                          Blessings,  Leigh

   

nicollehoward said...

I admire your strength and beauty for putting the children first and making sure they have the necessities a roof over there head, warmth, and food. Your story got me thinking about my favorite Christmas. Interestingly it wasn't about the toys and gifts my parents decided to not do that and fly us halfway across the country to surprise our grandparents with a visit. To be honest now that I'm grown and with children of my own and wondering how we are going to have christmas this year I don't even remember the toys from years long gone. All the toys the kids got last year are trashed and broke. I wouldn't worry about it maybe get them one toy that they really want.

inquestoftruth said...

Wow...one of the more heartfelt and touchingly honest entries I've read in a while.   You sound like a wonderful person, and I admire your ability to put into words your thoughts and fears.   Your last paragraph "having faith that it will all work itself out somehow" is so true.  
If having hubby back will make things (even if it is temporary) easier for you, and you feel you can do it, then don't listen to what anyone else says, listen to yourself, and do it.    If you couldn't stomach the idea of that, then like you said...it will all work out somehow.
I know what you mean about Christmas for the girls.   I'd feel the same way, and you shouldn't feel guilty at all about wanting to see Christmas joy on their faces first thing.   You know, it's like my mother told me many years ago when I was in a pretty bad situation, "The sun will shine again."   And it did.   It will for you as well.   You have the determination, drive and tenacity to do it.
~Meg
PS:  Thank you for visiting my journal and leaving your very sweet and encouraging comment.

ukgal36 said...

your journal is like a breath of fresh air..so honest...
Lyn

rdautumnsage said...

((Hugs)) Has anyone told you lately what a truly beautiful spirit you have? You deserve to be loved and cherished for who you are, not as an object. As for monetary values.....I think the world sees life through rose colored glasses as long as they can worship the almighty dollar. You are giving your daughters, a gift that is more than anyone else can ever give...your love, your arms, your heart and soul. This Christmas show them another side of the season, take them to volunteer at a soup kitchen. Let them buy a couple of things from the dollar store to give to other children who won't have other people to make up the difference. Love is the greatest gift of all. You already give them that Chelle, please don't belittle the beauty of the treasures you provide for them. Money can't even come close to buying what you offer your daughters daily. I would of given anything to have had a mother like you growing up, I would of given up all the Christmases of my life for that one gift. Pity you? Offer Advice? Your already way ahead of me with the knowledge of love you hold inside. I can only learn from you my dear friend. (Hugs) Indigo

littlelady1699 said...

oh honey....what can I say????

yours and my life seem too close for comfort in terms of the man {Or as I call him "IT"} we thought we loved and married. IT is what a "man" is when they are not home spending time with thier kids and loving thier wife. you and I are to WONDERFUL for them both.  Just hang in there...ok ??? I know its hard but God does have a plan for us.....
keep having FAITH ....it's gotten me though 7 years of his being here but not being here.


love

patty