Tuesday, September 9, 2008


I haven't much time, but wanted to update you all on my good fortune.

The ultrasound went very well.  I have a cluster of cysts which, on the screen, looked mammoth in size.  But they are all fluid filled and pretty harmless.  Unless they become uncomfortable for me (and at times, they HAVE been ~ just not enough to be overly concerned) we will simply keep watch of them and leave them be otherwise. 

I finally told the girls about what was going on.  I'd kept it to myself mostly, telling only a few close friends and family members and then, of course, sharing it here with all of you.  I decided it was good for them to know, and although they weren't all that appreciative for the unsolicited advice about getting to know their own bodies, they were relieved to know it had turned out to be nothing.  And I was thankful they did not hold it against me for not telling them sooner. 

Thank you all, for prayers, good thoughts and encouraging words.  I am truly blessed.



Friday, September 5, 2008

I'm not a "look at me" kind of person.  I share about myself because I want YOU to share about you, and to me, friendship is about just that:  sharing of life.  When someone I care about is relaying information or sharing an experience, I'm not the sort of person that will say, "Yeah, but listen to what happened to ME today...".  Instead, I might say something like, "I understand from a certain stand point, because I've been through something similar..." and so on and so on.  Not because I think I understand what someone else is going through, because we're all different ~ but because i like to find as many ways to relate with someone as possible. 

I've had a lot of support lately, from women that are somewhat close to me who have been where I am right now ~ wondering (when allowing the mind to go there), worrying, scheduling, waiting....  It's nice, really.  When we're uncertain about something, we seek to understand better in some way.  When I was going through the Bell's Palsy I did that.  I sought others who could share with me their own experience.  I researched the disorder on all sorts of sites.  I found YouTube videos that those suffering through it had made as a way of reaching out and I appreciated their courage and willingness to putting the ugliness of BP aside, to help others. 

I don't know why this is so hard for me to talk about.  I do want to write about it, explore my feelings and my fears, as well as examine what is more likely and most probable.  And yet, I hesitate.  I worry, that others will think I am overreacting, or looking for attention, or revealing too much.  I also don't wish to worry or upset anyone, especially those closest to me (who understand my good intentions), by having my thoughts and fears wash over onto them. 


I have a private journal (group) that I am part of, but I've never written in it.  I've tried to be a support, to those who DO choose to write.  But for some reason, I want all my words to be here.  So what, if I eat them someday? 

I don't even know for sure when it was that I felt the lump.  I just know that moments before I was to have my yearly exam in early August, I thought it might be worth mentioning. 

She told me not to tell her where, and when she did the exam, she found it on her own (which she later denied, after not having passed along the appropriate information to the hospital and being questioned).  Afterwards, she drew a small diagram on a piece of paper, showing where it was by darkening the area in pen (a new drawing, without the marking, was later placed in my file, making it look as though nothing was there).  She said that it didn't immediately alarm her, but that she would like me to have a mammogram to "keep a watch of it" and rule anything out.  So, before leaving, an appointment was made for the following Thursday. 

Even though no information was passed on as it should have been, the woman performing the mammogram asked to feel my lump ~ which she did (thank God, otherwise I would have felt like a complete ass), mark it and take the appropriate number of slides which is about twice the norm for a routine mammo (which is what I was told, since this was my first one).

I was called back and asked to come in for an ultrasound (which is not uncommon for a lump) on Monday and then the following day will see a surgeon to go over the results and decide what if any action to take.  I was told that I would not leave the day of the ultrasound with any questions left unanswered. 

Okay, so part of me is completely freaking out, when I allow my thoughts to go there....  Which is NOT often, and probably why writing about it is a little difficult.  The unimaginable, put in black and white ~ and I can't even force myself to write any further in that direction.

BUT, the better, smarter part of me says it's nothing.  I have no breast cancer in my family history.  I am not high risk. I feel good, physically, for the most part.  It's the sort of lump that says "cyst" (yes, my lump talks to me..... lol). 

So this is on my mind some lately ~ though not overwhelmingly so.  I will know more by Monday afternoon and I look forward to writing again and telling you how silly I was with all my fears and anxieties.  Even while I am feeling quite positive that it's all good anyway....



P.S.  The Bell's has improved.  I now only deal with a long term affect called Synkinesis , which is when the nerves of the eye and mouth are crossed.  Meaning, when I move my mouth or tighten it in any way, my eye closes.  Cool, huh?








Wednesday, September 3, 2008


The changing of a season always brings about a certain degree of thoughtfulness and reflection for me.  I am not always comfortable with change, because it often means that something must inevitably end in order for something to begin anew. 

But there are times, when change is a blessing.  And I'm also learning, that there ARE those rare occasions when something doesn't necessarily have to end, but instead, develops into something even more meaningful than we had anticipated or even dared hope.

The summer months brought many challenges.  But with the help of family and friends, I have faced those challenges head on and seen what the strength of love can do.  I have many to thank, and some of you are at the top of that list and hopefully, know who you are. 

The weather in NH has been absolutely perfect for days upon days.  A new school year has begun, and I adore my class and look forward to all that lies ahead in the next few months.  My daughters have begun their own school year with a great amount of enthusiasm, and that my oldest is now a freshman in high school simply blows my mind.  I am surrounded by people who love me and care for me and want the best for me.  What a feeling.....

But, there is something, that I've been struggling over whether or not to share for a while now.  I have been writing in this journal for over three years, and have shared many ups and downs and found strength and kindness and understanding in the hearts of many.  There are times, though, when I do settle into a quieter world.  I hate the thought of someone judging me, for what I write or choose to share ~ but then, this is my journal, and I've always been driven to write for and about myself, with the hope that others might also relate, and I have found this to be the case on more than one occasion.  Most of the time, I wear my heart on my sleeve, only to whip it away from public view without a second to spare for reasons I cannot quite explain. 

I love to write.  It's no secret.  It's therapeutic and helpful (to me) on many levels and for many different reasons, depending on the situation. 

And so here I go, beating around the bush again....

I am facing a bit of fear. 

A woman knows.  When something isn't right...  Whether bodily or mentally, that basic human instinct kicks right the heck in.  While I cannot say for sure, if it is something serious or not, I will confide in you all that my heart tells me it isn't.  But I am not hesitating in the least, to make sure that what needs to be done is DONE ~ and done right.  It's hard to wait.  It's hard not really "knowing". 

I want to write about this because like I said, it's my journal and this is something that I am going through right now and would like to have some place of reference to look back on later, just as I do with my older entries that revolve around the other events that have molded and continue to shape my life. 

I will have to elaborate further, in a future entry, because my time online is limited these days, and I have to scurry on out the door in a few minutes.  But what I want to say, more than anything else right now, is how happy I've become and how much more I appreciate things lately.  Let me also say, that as this point, NOTHING IS WRONG, and it's simply waiting for the confirmation day to come. 

I made my journal private, for a time, and some of you noticed and responded with concern, and for that I am truly grateful.  For those of you who quietly respected my decision and kept me in your thoughts, I am as equally indebted.  It's good to be back.  My heart is in these pages.  There is no need to hide from anyone ~ especially myself.  Thank you, friends.

And Love knows no boundaries.

Welcome, gentle autumn.