Sunday, October 28, 2007

Hello, It's Been a While..



Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

My daughter Amanda and I brought a picnic lunch out to Mill Bridge last Sunday.  I've posted a photo, as well as a drawing of this particular bridge in the past, but I have childhood (okay, 'teen'hood) connections with it and have no qualms about posting it again in a new season, for a new reason.  As you can see, the leaves have all but completed their life cycle year.  Oh, we still have a few colorful surprises around corners here and there, but for the most part ~ Fall has officially fallen.

While there's indeed a bit of a chill in the air, the sun shined bright most of the weekend, and the skies were a deep, inviting blue.  I'm afraid I've spent most of the last few days kept up inside, getting things done around the house and finishing up important tasks...  Like more papers that I have put aside and ignored for too long.

Reason being is, I've had a bit of a time lately, coming to terms myself with all that has transpired in the last nine months.  Which, if I look carefully enough, hasn't really been all that eventful with regards to the separation.  Other than the financial challenges, nothing really has changed for us.  That's how little time our family had together when he WAS here.  One day a month, if I'm not being clear enough..  It's been long enough now, that I honestly cannot picture in my mind what it would be like to have him here again.  When he does come, to pick up or drop off the kids, I am always ready for him to go.  Please do not think less of me...  I can't explain it.  I do not miss what we had, because there is nothing to miss, really.  And yet, the stresses of being a single parent, not loving my job as I once did (a whole new burden to carry), other family issues, bills piling up and still the guilt of letting go has had me more than a bit off balance emotionally.  I know, you thought I was sure.  I did, too...  A momentary lapse of reason, I'd like to call these last couple days.  I'm sure once again.  I was always sure, I just second guess myself more often than not.

I do not like or enjoy hurting people.  I do think of him, lying in his cot style bed separated only by a curtain in a tiny, shady apartment he shares with three other cooks from the restaurant where he works, tears in his eyes for the very first time (the man hates criers and always hated my tears ~ even yelled at me for them, but he now knows how it is to feel), missing his family and wondering why I changed the way I did...  And this thought keeps me awake some nights. 

I have weighed the options in my mind, searching the right's and the wrong's and the reasons.  I've thought about how easy it would be, to go back to just going through the motions each day.  Married yet alone, 'loved' but never feeling loved, wondering yet unable and unwilling to hope, losing myself again...  Wait, how and why would that be easy?  Because I did it for so long, and while I was never really happy, or truly in love with him, I was never UNhappy because I never allowed myself to be.  When those thoughts slipped into my mind, it swiftly pushed them away.  Now that I am allowing myself to feel again, and to open myself up to new hopes and dreams and possibilities, I am also opening myself up to more failure and loss and realities.  And that, my friends, can be frightening...

Those papers, the ones that needed adjustments and signatures...?  Well, they're finally done.  And my new life... Well, it's just beginning, and tonight I'm feeling good and right and sure about that once again.  And it feels good to know.

This life changing event has taken up more than enough of my journal space these last few months.  I feel it necessary, to record my thoughts and anxieties concerning this piece of my life's puzzle.  I do look forward to a time when I can focus on less strenuous things, like picnics under a scenic bridge and bright, sunny skies.  I know that now, I am able to find beauty and love and warmth in things that for far too long had been forgotten, and I love that I can live my life true to myself and to my heart again.  Wherever my heart takes me, I'm ready and willing to make the journey.  Crossing bridges and building new ones.  Because I can. 

How can I not?

Love to you all... and prayers for those who need them ~


Thursday, October 18, 2007

One Way To Find Out There's A Monster Near You...

*(I've just been made aware that this site is asking for money.  I am so angry, because I just did it for free two days ago.  I apologize for linking to this site, but was also quite unaware that they would be asking for credit card.)

**(( THIS SITE HAS CHANGED!  The FREE Search can be found at ))


About once a year, I make it a point to visit a website that I think everyone should be aware of: (DO NOT GO HERE, SEE ABOVE).  This site is dedicated to making anyone who is concerned for the well being and safety of children aware of sex offenders living in and around their neighborhood.  This site is VERY well constructed.  Simply tell them where you want to look, and you will be given a map of your area as well as surrounding areas with small "red houses" indicating the exact address of a convicted sex offender.  Click on a house, and you will see a very clear photo of the offender (perhaps more clear in some states than others) as well as a small, non-detailed description of the crime itself.  If you want to know, you can...

Some of you may be surprised at the number of predators close to home (although I HOPE and PRAY you find out otherwise!).  I know I was.  As a matter of fact, there was a new one listed, right here in my condominium complex.  THIS, just a few short days after a man who lives in the next building from me, whom I have watched drive by my home daily, and have made a point to make clear eye contact with, was finally convicted and sentenced to six years for crimes involving children over the internet

They live near my children's schools.  They live near the school I work at.  They live downthe road and in the next town.  They are everywhere.  Knowledge is power.  Have it.  Please.

I have been down this road, and it is not a road I would wish for anyone to travel. 

Please check out this site.  It NEVER hurts to know.  Be safe...

Sunday, October 14, 2007

An Upward Gust of Wind

This entry is a sequel of sorts to a private entry I made on a night when my heart was feeling weak and a bit caught up in a whirlwind.  I know many of you visit me there as well as in this space and I thank you for keeping up with all my ever changing moods and soul searchings.  I'm feeling the upward gust of a warm, comforting wind today, therefore my smiles are genuine and easy.

Life is filled to the brim with uncertainties and that fact is unchanging!  I suppose that uncertainty should be welcomed, for if we knew what tomorrow would bring, there would be very little purpose in striving to reach it.  I for one, trust myself more than I have in a long time.  I have reached a milestone in my search for truth in the mirror (see journal description) and I have made some very important decisions for myself that highly impact those people who live in my heart.

Even on the darker days, I remain hopeful.  On brighter days, hopeful still!  My children are coming to terms with the divorce and are thriving at school and in their general lives.  They smile FAR more often than not, and we are enjoying the excitement that this time of year brings.  I don't think there has been a damaging word between us ~ or between them ~ for weeks now!  And that is a major accomplishment!

So many blessings fill my life.  While many of life's challenges are out of my hands, I have come to know the difference between what I can and cannot change.  One thing that cannot and will not, is that my heart shall from now on be my guide. 

Where it might guide me has yet to be determined, but I will enjoy this beautiful ride for what it's worth.  Which ultimately, is everything.


Sunday, October 7, 2007

PHOTOS! (I REALLY need to go to bed...)

My last attempt to post photos really flipped out my journal, so here's my second... 

Thanks for bearing with me!

Imagine Me and You

(SORRY FOR THE PREVIOUS ALERT...  I was overexcited and clicked SAVE by mistake!)


Nancy and me...  October 6, 2007

What a fantastic weekend!  I know that many of you know Nancy or are readers of her fabulous journal NotionsofNancy.  I had the pleasure and the good fortune to MEET her yesterday!  It was her birthday, and she and her husband traveled all the way from home to spend a few quiet and peaceful days here in NH.  She visited me as well as another online friend.  We had the best time, as we knew we would...  From the moment she opened the door and we hugged each other tight with squeals of excitement, we were instant soul sisters!!  We spent a fun filled day along Squam Lake, spent some time visiting and photographing the beauty around us, and even enjoyed the hot tub at the B&B where they were staying!  I have so many photos, but will try to pick out just a few to share with you here, and then will use others to add some Fall color to my next few entries. 

Nancy, you are a blessing to me.  Thank you for all that we've shared up till now, and for all that we will continue to share as friends both online and off.  You made me laugh till my stomach hurt!  Thanks for climbing the covered brige wall with me and for the Mike's!!  Happy Birthday!