Sunday, October 28, 2007

Hello, It's Been a While..



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My daughter Amanda and I brought a picnic lunch out to Mill Bridge last Sunday.  I've posted a photo, as well as a drawing of this particular bridge in the past, but I have childhood (okay, 'teen'hood) connections with it and have no qualms about posting it again in a new season, for a new reason.  As you can see, the leaves have all but completed their life cycle year.  Oh, we still have a few colorful surprises around corners here and there, but for the most part ~ Fall has officially fallen.

While there's indeed a bit of a chill in the air, the sun shined bright most of the weekend, and the skies were a deep, inviting blue.  I'm afraid I've spent most of the last few days kept up inside, getting things done around the house and finishing up important tasks...  Like more papers that I have put aside and ignored for too long.

Reason being is, I've had a bit of a time lately, coming to terms myself with all that has transpired in the last nine months.  Which, if I look carefully enough, hasn't really been all that eventful with regards to the separation.  Other than the financial challenges, nothing really has changed for us.  That's how little time our family had together when he WAS here.  One day a month, if I'm not being clear enough..  It's been long enough now, that I honestly cannot picture in my mind what it would be like to have him here again.  When he does come, to pick up or drop off the kids, I am always ready for him to go.  Please do not think less of me...  I can't explain it.  I do not miss what we had, because there is nothing to miss, really.  And yet, the stresses of being a single parent, not loving my job as I once did (a whole new burden to carry), other family issues, bills piling up and still the guilt of letting go has had me more than a bit off balance emotionally.  I know, you thought I was sure.  I did, too...  A momentary lapse of reason, I'd like to call these last couple days.  I'm sure once again.  I was always sure, I just second guess myself more often than not.

I do not like or enjoy hurting people.  I do think of him, lying in his cot style bed separated only by a curtain in a tiny, shady apartment he shares with three other cooks from the restaurant where he works, tears in his eyes for the very first time (the man hates criers and always hated my tears ~ even yelled at me for them, but he now knows how it is to feel), missing his family and wondering why I changed the way I did...  And this thought keeps me awake some nights. 

I have weighed the options in my mind, searching the right's and the wrong's and the reasons.  I've thought about how easy it would be, to go back to just going through the motions each day.  Married yet alone, 'loved' but never feeling loved, wondering yet unable and unwilling to hope, losing myself again...  Wait, how and why would that be easy?  Because I did it for so long, and while I was never really happy, or truly in love with him, I was never UNhappy because I never allowed myself to be.  When those thoughts slipped into my mind, it swiftly pushed them away.  Now that I am allowing myself to feel again, and to open myself up to new hopes and dreams and possibilities, I am also opening myself up to more failure and loss and realities.  And that, my friends, can be frightening...

Those papers, the ones that needed adjustments and signatures...?  Well, they're finally done.  And my new life... Well, it's just beginning, and tonight I'm feeling good and right and sure about that once again.  And it feels good to know.

This life changing event has taken up more than enough of my journal space these last few months.  I feel it necessary, to record my thoughts and anxieties concerning this piece of my life's puzzle.  I do look forward to a time when I can focus on less strenuous things, like picnics under a scenic bridge and bright, sunny skies.  I know that now, I am able to find beauty and love and warmth in things that for far too long had been forgotten, and I love that I can live my life true to myself and to my heart again.  Wherever my heart takes me, I'm ready and willing to make the journey.  Crossing bridges and building new ones.  Because I can. 

How can I not?

Love to you all... and prayers for those who need them ~



nhd106 said...

Oh Chelle...that is one of the most beautiful entries you've ever written...actually, one of the most beautiful entries I've read.   I  am incredibly proud of you, for so many reasons.   And with all certainty, I am proud to call  you my friend.

Love and hugs upon hugs,

pippa1116 said...

I hope you continue to find peace in your life as you move on......
take care

radar446 said...

I was thinking about the irony of you posting a picture of a bridge and then talking about the changes in your life.  Then you summed up my thoughts there at the end of the entry.  Just goes to show that you and I are still on the same page about these things.  Sometimes crossing the bridge can be pretty are not sure what lies on the other side...maybe it is no better, or worse than the side you just left.  Would it be better to turn back and go to what is known, or would it be better to continue on to find what is new.  These questions keep flowing through your mind as you are crossing.  Once fully across, you can breathe in deeply and realize that you now know your surroudings.  You can become comfortable on this side of the bridge.  However, there will always be that part of you that wonders....about the other side of that bridge.  Continue being strong, and letting yourself feel once again.  You will find that whatever side of that bridge you end up on will be better because you are better than you have ever been.


tendernoggle said...

I hope all your future days will be filled with peace, happiness and much LOVE.
love ya,
I have to tell you this much in all honesty.....
As good as Danny was to me...he (like your husband) hated to see me cry...he would actually yell at me to stop, or make me mad....or try to make me laugh...or if all else fail he would leave me there alone...crying. He NEVER wanted to see me cry...
It was many years after we were married that one night we had all out war about it ...and he finally admitted to me that it hurt him so bad to see me cry....and he didn't know how to handle it or what to do about it (due to how his childhood was) . Once he told me that....we were able to come to terms about it, make some changes, and then he changed...and actually started to comfort me when I hurt.

sunflowerkat321 said...

I could have written this description of your marriage.  It is so similar to mine.  You are a very courageous woman.  I have fleetingly though of taking these steps and then retreated to what is comfortable and familiar and easy.  I admire you for your courage.  I really do.

queeniemart said...

you have done what millions won' are at a point where you can fly and follow your dreams and live your life as you WANT...THAT in itself is a gift. I hope your ex finds happiness and i pray all the time that you do too. LOVE, lj

bobbysgirl8584 said...

Hi Michelle: I know these past few months have been a struggle for you but you have to do what is best for you and your girls. Sometimes these decisions are not the easiest or most pleasant.  Sometimes it is just easier to go with the flow...but if this is not what is going to make you happy than you have to make these changes as hard as they might be.
It sounds like you are stronger though and you are getting thru this.
Keeping you in my thoughts!

chat2missie said...

Every one deserves to have a life that their happy living!  Love the covered bridge.

rbrown6172 said...

"Crossing bridges and building new ones.  Because I can."  i think that statement sums it up so nicely.  you have found strength and are coming to peace with things.  i wish you the best.  love the is beautiful!

siennastarr said...

What a way with words you have, Chelle!  You are definitely crossing bridges, and moving mountains.  Sometimes, even though we don't always welcome change.. change is ofen times needed in order to move forward and grow.  That is what you are doing now, my friend.  Crossing those bridges.. because you can!

Hugs and love

acoward15 said...

I love these bridges. we don't have them over here.

lanurseprn said...

You may think it would be easier to go back to how things were because it's familiar. Not easier. You'll build your new life and you'll look back and be thankful for the decisions that you are making now. The decisions we make now DO matter!
Love the photo!

mariebm56 said...

Thats such a beautiful autumn photo!  
You sound like you are getting stronger & stronger!