Saturday, December 31, 2005

Speaking of Resolutions...


I have been off all week, and unfortunately, I haven't been exactly inspired to write in my journal.  This may just be my New Year's resolution..  I've never been very good at keeping them, but this one I may do alright with.  I've had a better day today then most of my week has been.  We just got home, the girls and I.  We spent the night last night at my parents and then drove 2 hours to my Gramps house and then we all drove another 30 minutes to visit Nana at the nursing home.  It was bitter sweet...seeing her is so warming to my heart, and yet she is failing more and more every day and it's breaking my heart.  It was so very hard to leave her there.  Mom and I cried, lagging behind so not to upset the rest of the family.  And yet, every time we see her, it's a blessing to know that she is still able to recognize and talk to us.  She didn't even recognize her own son last week, but today went very well. 

It's good to be home now.  It snowed pretty heavily most of the 2 hour drive home to mom and dad's and the 30 minutes back to our house.  I always look up and say a long amen when I pull into the drive.  Tonight was nice to feel the snowflakes cool my face... I love that feeling.  I think of all the people who don't get to enjoy that very simple pleasure anymore, and it puts things into a better prospective for me.  When I get down, I feel blind to all the good things in life that is taken for granted.  Today was a nice reminder of what is full and good in our lives.  Family.  Through the good, the bad, and the downright ugly (and there is a lot more of that than I dare put in this space of mine), we are together.  We are warm.  No one is suffering physically.  Emotionally, we are strong, as we have each other.  I have my girls.  I have my God to lean on and to praise and thank for keeping me out of harms way.  For leading me down a better path than someone else is on.  To talk to and pray for them, asthey are unable to pray for themselves....okay, I know to you I may be making no sense, but I know what I mean, and I guess that's what matters here...

SO ANY WAY....!!!   

A  very, very Happy New Year to all of you.... I hope all your Christmas's were peaceful and pleasant.  I've got to give Mailee a turn now.  She's been begging ever since I signed on!  Later! 







Thursday, December 22, 2005

 Last night, right before bed, Amanda and Mailee decided they wanted to do Christmas pictures.  Nothing like last minute!!  I did some of them together and some alone, it was a bit stressful, trying to get them done at such a late hour in the day, but we did it, nevertheless... I printed some out this morning and sent some Christmas cards out.  Like I said, nothing like last minute. 

Jane passed away early yesterday morning... We knew it was going to happen, but it's still such a shock.  It's so hard to believe when someone leaves us, that they are just gone.  Thanks Cyndy for the wonderful mail.  It was a nice reminder of what awaits us.  I believe.

I am now feeling somewhat less holiday stress, having everything just about done.  I really was upset with myself for waiting for the last minute, but it was really fine.  The girls will be pleasantly surprised.  So will I, apparently.  There was a huge wrapped package for me under the tree this morning that Amanda had pushed up the stairs from her room.  I was surprised because Ming and I do not usually buy for each other.  It's always about the kids.  Then we get presents at my parents house later on Christmas morning.  So now, I'm all giddy with excitement, just like a kid. 

We have a usually traditions.  There's the pageant, which was beautiful.  We go to Christmas Eve service, and Amanda will be singing again and playing the Bells.  Then we will go to mom and dad's for dinner.  Always oyster stew!  I look forward to mom's oyster stew ALL year!  She does everything, really.  Chicken wings, meatballs, mini franks!!  When we go back Christmas morning, mom has a breakfast dish she makes every year, and this year we are going to just stay there all day until dinner, which is always ham.  All we are bringing for food is pie and bread.. Mom enjoys doing this, but she has so many other things going on.  Jane passing away, Nana dealing with Alzheimer's in the nursing home and her anger with the family for not bringing her home, my grandpa's sadness, other issues even closer to home... I wish we had the means to have everything and everyone here... maybe someday ~ 




Tuesday, December 20, 2005

I took a personal day today.  I was looking for some quiet time for myself, to start and hopefully finish all my holiday shopping and wrapping.  This chore now complete, I can take a moment before the girls get home from school to touch a sad note in this journal of mine today.

Growing up, my parents had a very full social life.  I basked in their much apprecitated popularity, seeing I was not a "queen bee" myself...nor was I a "wanna bee", I just simply had a wonderful small handful of various friends.  I did however enjoy, as I got older,say, 11 -12 years old, going with them to their friends homes, especially the "Jones's".  Mind you, these were not always your kid-friendly visits.  There was always quite a bit of drinking, smoking and very loud music.  But on occasion, there was the softer, more relaxing times at the pool and dinner parties... I never felt uncomfortable there, as there were always lots of hugs, happy people and more "popular" kids to hang out with. 

Well, as time went by, I grew up and my parents did not go to the Jones' house very much at all anymore.  They grew apart, I suppose, and the partying got to be a bit much...I always kept these friends in my heart though, and they have always been at every major event in our families lives.  "Bill" passed away a couple years ago, and "Jane" allowed herself to move on, run the family business and remarry a nice young gentleman...

But on Sunday we got the news that Jane is in the hospital.  She has lung cancer and wasn't expected to live more than a couple months.  This morning I recieved word that she may not make it through the day...

I have a tightness in my throat today, thinking about you Jane...I am so sorry that this has happened to you.  You knew.  I know you did, and you didn't want anyone to go through this with you the way they did with Bill.  You were always my favorite, growing up, even with all the differences.  You were there for anyone who needed you.  You were the rock for your family when Bill died.  I am so sad today, but soon you will be suffering no longer and He will take you home.  May God be with your family as they stand with you now, and as they go on without you...they will be alright.  You've taught them well.  Remember, he decorated your life, and he will be waiting to dance with you again to angel's songs...


Just needed to let that out today.  Thanks.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Caroling Through J-Land

Caroling through J-land....

"Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way..."

Found an inspiring idea over at kara's journal:

Carol through J-land, leaving a link and add some new faces/pages to your community.  A bit like Trick or Treating.  I'm off to sing the night away.... :o)


To participate: 

1) Make an entry titled "Caroling Through J-Land" with these same instructions so others can play along.

2) Visit as many journals as you can and look for their entry titled "Caroling Through J-Land". Leave the title of your favorite carol, along with your name and link to your journal for other carolers.

3) Spread the word so we all can meet new friends and spread some Christmas cheer!

4) Caroling ends this Sunday night at midnight to give everyone plenty of time to make the rounds.

Happy Caroling and Merry Christmas!

Friday Patterns..

I am REALLY liking this Friday snow day pattern... having a extra day the last 2 weeks to get things done is so nice. I've been wrapping, cleaning, laundering... yes, it's nice!! The only not so wonderful thing about it is going extra days into the summer. I guess I won't think about that until then. For now, I'll simply enjoy!!
The picture is taken from my kitchen looking across into the livingroom. My winter wonderland is my favorite holiday decoration and it's the first thing I take out every year. In the background is our lovely (and admittedly fake) tree. I never thought I would ever have a fake tree in my life. The girls and I bought it about 3 years ago when their father started working the insane hours that he works...we were unable to make it out as a family anymore to go tree hunting...something I just did NOT want to do without him. It just didn't seem right. So, we caved and bought this tree at Kmart. It's not too bad, and actually, the girls have A LOT of fun with it. They take it out of the box and assemble it all themelves and hang all the ornaments themselves. I do the garland and lights, they take turns every year putting on the angel, and WA LA. It's Christmas time again.

I'm not doing so great in the buying department this year. I waited to long, now time is running out and I have so much to do. Mr. B has a day off on Sunday, so we are planning to go out then. I did a bit of online buying, but half of it doesn't seem to be shipping out and I don't expect it to come before Christmas. Guess maybe I will learn from this...start in August next year!! I mentioned in my other journal: that the real meaning of Christmas would be somehow lost, and I am trying so hard not to let it happen, but I REALLY want the girls to have lots of presents under the that bad? They have both decided to do the pageant at church, and I am thrilled. Mailee may back out at the last minute, something she is notorious for, but Amanda has a nice part as narrator and is singing a duet. The whole family is going, including hubby and the grandparents, so I am looking forward to it. I ADORE our new minister, so I look forward to every Sunday now...

Well, I must be leaving. I have to start dinner...Hope you all are having a safe and peaceful holiday season!!!


Saturday, December 10, 2005


Make-a-Flake!Yes, you too can create your very own snowflake!  Really, we had a lot of fun with this...check it out at:

Thanks Charley for the link!

We had a wonderful snowfall yesterday that gave us our first snowday of the year off from school.  We enjoyed the day, playing a bit in the snow and driving a short distance to our local theater to watch wide eyed The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe.

I must warn anyone who has not seen this that you may want to think twice about bringing very young children.  I thought Harry Potter was creepy!!  My girls seemed to love it, but I think they may have been putting on the brave face.  The effects are amazing and the wolves are fierce.  The White witch, well, you can guess.  Aselan's scene near the end (those of you who know the story understand) is quite frightening, the creatures are amazingly real looking and Lion King memories will come back ten fold.

It WAS fantastic, though.

Well, I have to run upstairs and check on Mai and her friend.  We were talked into a sleepover tonight while roaming the aisles of Walmart today.  A neighbor who is a bit on the pushy side decided to invite her daughter to my house again, now she is scared and won't sleep, the poor thing, so I'm going to check on her.  I hear voices...

Until next time, be well..

Saturday, December 3, 2005

Ready or not...

I haven't taken the time to write lately.  I've had some good days and bad, as we all do.  Today happens to be a good one, so it's time sit back, relax and spice up this journal a bit.

So, it's coming, isn't it?  Always my favorite holiday, through all the stresses and fuss about who is getting what, and wishing I had the money for it all.  I feel the spirit, sitting in my decorated livingroom, with the lights sparkling and the carols in the background, but I know the hustle and bustle will take over and the real meaning will be lost somewhere.  I'm ashamed of that, I must admit.  I encourage my girls to take part in the Christmas pageant.  This year they both were adament that they would NOT be doing it.  That is until a few moments ago, when the director called to offer Amanda a narrator part with a duet!  She agreed, and Mailee decided that she too, might be suitable for a part.  At least that will give them some small perspective.  Amanda is almost 12 and still fully believes.  I wonder if that is just an excuse to ask for every expensive electronic device known to man?  'OH, SANTA will bring it!!'

Yeah...okay, honey......   

We put the tree up today.  Actually, the girls did it all themselves, from the stand to the angel.  We have been putting up a fake tree for the last few years.  It's just more convenient for us, as Ming is always working and I just don't know about going out and tying one to the roof of the car.   I miss having a real one, though, I must say.  I miss the scent of pine lingering in the air.  I light my pine scented candle and that helps.  A little.  Well, no worry on keeping it watered, anyway.

Hope you all are doing well in your lives.  It's time for me to eat popcorn and watch Jimanji with the kiddos now.  Enjoy your December!

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Giving Thanks

These are just a few of the many things I am thankful for.....

1.  My health, and that of my family

2.  My daughters and their playful giggles upstairs

3.  My mom and dad

4.  My husband, when he isn't being a terd

5.  My warm home

6.  The beautiful snowflakes falling out my window

7.  My pets

8.  All my senses

9.  All the yummy food we will be enjoying tomorrow with our family.

10.  All God's wonders, the stars, the moon, the sun, clouds, the wind, and the ability to enjoy it all.

11.  That we are all safe in this moment

12.  Tea and coffee

13.  Music

14.  My work, which fulfills the need to have a purpose and my schedule which allows me to be home when my girls are.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you and your families!!


Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Light in the Present, Shadows of the Past...

  I am finally beginning to feel better.  Not completely yet.  Just enough to return to school only to gain the sympathy of others as I quietly tiptoe out of the room in fits of coughing to drink from the water fountain.  My hot tea didn't last very long.  I am still a bit hoarse, but I slept quite a bit deeper last night so that aided in getting myself up at 6:30 to shower and get us all ready for school. 

I signed the girls both up for basketball.  This is going to be another juggle.  Karate may have to be slowed down...of course not as far as my bank account is concerned, but that's how it goes.  A will probably have to take into account how much music she will be doing.  May have to cut down there as well.  This is where my SN comes in...back to the frenzied life!  I love to go to all the games though.  Just might not get to them all!!

      To R***,                                                                   

             Never expected to run into you today.  Kind of reminded me of that song....oh, what is it...?  The one where the two old lover's meet up in the grocery store after many, many years apart.  Both older, wiser, and a bit wondrous about what might have been.  The song is by Dan Folgel, I believe.  That's not important.  I used to think of you when that song came on, and there we were tonight, in the grocery store.  Noticing how each other's lines have gotten deeper.  Talking about new interests, how old the kids are now.  It made me think back at how incredibly in love I was, or thought I was, in you.  It was such a passing glimpse of time in our lives.  Only a few short months.  You lived in that crappy apartment on Main Street.  You were so much older.  Maybe that was part of the attraction.  Remember you promised to marry me when I turned 25?  Well, next week I will be 36 and life sure is different then what I had thought it would be at that time in my life!  Don't get me wrong!  I'm happy....mostly.  Heck, we can't be happy all the time.  My girls are my life.  "He keeps me warm and safe and dry....."  There are fleeting moments of love in our relationship.  Wait, I shouldn't be sharing this with YOU!  We have a partnership...we love each other in ways that are different than what we had.  We don't share those kind of things.  The intimate moments without the know.  The laughter, tears, long, hours long talks deep into the night...LIFE!  There is LIFE!  Busy life to be lived!  And yet, when we sit for hours without conversation...oh gosh, I'm really blowing this letter now, aren't I?  I'm not ~  

Wait a minute....did I forget?  YOU lit a torch under my butt and FRIED my A**!!  HE has never fried my A**!!  Close, but I forgave him.  Why?  Because we have a family, and according to my previous quiz, family is the most important thing to me.  What I HAVE means more to me than what I DON'T have!  What a revelation!!!  Thank you for blessing me with your presence at the grocery was a real eye opening experience!  I'll remember you, as I always do.  The one that broke my heart.  The one that made me a fool.  The one that lead me to where I am now.  

Thanks...   <3   Michelle               




Sunday, November 13, 2005

Family is most important in your life.

Having a high focus on family indicates that you are a loving and nurturing person. You want to have a nice big family of your own, and you are very close with your siblings and parents.

Life Piechart -
Take this quiz at

I know.  I'm overdoing the quiz thing lately.  I suppose it's good that I have little news is good news, right?  I am quite ill this weekend.  I've been battling laryngitis since Wedsnesday and I now have a horrendous cough.  I went to work on Thursday unable to speak so that my afternoon little kinder wouldn't have to be without me on our field trip. (She stresses very easily and gets very upset when confronted with new sounds/places/people, etc.)  Her mom ended up going with us, so really I didn't have to be there, and now I may call in tomorrow.  My cough is really awful.  No one would want me there I'm sure of that.  All the kids were so concerned about me on Thursday.  It was really so sweet.  Hope I didn't give it to anyone.  The laryngitis seems to be making it's way around the staff.  I've been making lots of soups and drinking tea.  Cough meds are working somewhat....I'll be better soon.

With Christmas around the corner, the girls are bombarding me with the "I wants".  No matter how many days we go to church a year, the whole meaning of Christmas seems to fly right by their heads.  The DO take part in the pageant, which is a plus, I suppose.  They both still believe in Santa.  Yes, my oldest is 11.  I think she may just be going along with it so she can keep asking for all these expensive gifts....ipod, stereo, cell phone, more clothes!!

Speaking of it, she is now in the room, so I must change the subject...

M is asking for more American Girl things...that's Nana's department...thanks, mom. 

They both think it's cool to like music that I find quite inappropriate...sure, it has a cool beat.  Great, realistic issues in the lyrics...minus the sex.  Sorry, I have to draw the line.  Sex and the F word are just not  happening in this house for a few years, anyway.  At least not in THEIR rooms!!  When I was a teenager I'm quite sure I would be listening to Black Eyed Peas, Eminem, Snoop Dog, etc...and I actually DO like The Black Eyed Peas, with the exception of "My Humps".  That song makes me cringe to the point of shriveling.  Good beat.  Too much humps and lumps for my liking...yes, unbelievably, I have become a prude.  I looked up some of Eminem's lyrics online and I was appalled.  And young kids even my 8 year old's age are listening to this....this is a parent issue.  Free country, I suppose.  But why not just take them to an x rated movie?  Okay, NOT trying to step on any toes here....I love everything from Piano solos to hip hop, within reason. 

Babble, babble...trying to hurry.  Have to run. <<cough>>


Friday, November 11, 2005

Fun and The Holiday

The huamn mnwh....aidt an aanmizg peice of wrok we hvae in our haeds! For lcak of a bteter entry, I fuond tihs in a janurol and I wlil lvaee a lnik at the edn. The raeosn tihs is so esay to raed is taht the hmuan biarn deos not raed ecah lteter but the wrod as a whole and it dosne't seem to mttear if the lteerts are screlbmad. Tihs has been anourd oninle for a wilhe, it jsut never cseeas to amzae m!e!

There!  Phew!  That was a mouthful.  So, if you want to check it out yourself here is a link:

Thanks to Pixiedustnme  for the link.


So, it's Veteren's Day...a day off from work, school, and more importantly a day to reflect on what is happening in the world that has our soldiers dying every day.  I have tried, Lord knows, to understand what we are there and to support our president, as he is our countries leader, and even though I did not vote for him, I try to move on and look for SOMETHING to like about him.  I support our troops.  I believe they are doing everything in their power to protect and rebuild this other country.  I know that Saddam is a monster.  I have watched in horror at the documentaries made showing what he did to his own people ~ men, women and children.  I also know that many Iraqis have died, men, women and children.  I ask myself, and my God, why do we think we are going to be loved and welcomed over there after all the bombing we did back in the beginning?  I know I will probably be bombarded with comments after this, people who support Bush and this war will undoubtably have something to say, and I honestly don't mean any unpatriotic or unsupportive.  I am a peaceful person....and I simply don't understand.  We started something we can not get out of.  We can't walk away. 

I want to say THANK YOU to all our troops, home and away.  You are doing an amazing thing, giving up your freedom for ours and our neighbors all over this planet.  Some of you believe in the cause, others may not.  But you are hononable to the core.  THANKS.

Hope all of you enjoy the rest of your weekend! 

PEACE,  Michelle 



Sunday, November 6, 2005

A quiet Sunday afternoon


So often I think of something I want to write in my journal...then when my free moment arrives, I sit here staring at this blank, white space....if it could laugh, it would.  The week has been pretty uneventful.  Except of course Halloween, which was a blast.  We had friends over for pizza and to join us on our journey through town.  This young girl is my youngest daughter's best friend and she has Juvenille Diabetes.  Her sugar went to 398, and those of you who watch your blood sugar know this is very high.  A bit of a scare.  Her mom had to go home and get her a set change.  She is connected to an insulin pump that distributes her insulin after she eats.  Apparently, the tube was bent and she hadn't gotten any insulin since before lunch.  This was so scary, and yet it has happened so many times...even when she has been overnight and once her sugar was over 500.  It is times like these when I sit back and say, "thank you, dear Lord."  Once her set was changed, the girls went about their business of trick or treating, devoured much candy, and danced to Radio Disney.  A went with a friend.  Alone.  In said friend's neighborhood.  Yeah.  I was relieved when she walked through the door.  I am definetly NOT ready for the independence that is naturally coming her way.  She, of course, thinks she is more than ready.  Simply HAS to have a cell phone.  This trick or treat night was her first solo flight.  I told her the cell phone would come later....even though "all" her friend's have one, at 11 yrs old, she is not quite there yet.  Neither is my wallet!

This week has had it's share of ups and downs.  I'm still trying to sort things out.  At work, at home, and in my heart.  I have a poem to write for Poetry Dance.  Maybe I can reflect on what's in my quiet place as I write this poem.  Hope all of you are having a relaxing weekend!

                                             Okay, I cannot get this picture to turn right, get the jist of it!! 

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Two Things part DEUX

Back to our regularly schedueled journal entry...

(second part of favorite songs question)

Rain by George Winston (also a top favorite artist)


Two things you want in a relationship (other than real love)



Two truths (confessions)

I sneak my girl's Halloween candy (bad, I know..)

I can be much too outspoken

Two physical traits that appeal to you



Two favorite hobbies



Two things you want really badly

A house

To sleep in...

Two places you would like to vacation


any tropical island

Two things you want to do before you die

See my children grow old


Two ways you are a stereotypical chick/guy:

Typical "blonde"

I scream very loudly at spiders

Two things you wouldn't normally admit:

Everyone thinks I'm so patient, but inside, I'm screaming.

I bought my SUV on my own when my husband adamently refused to say yes to it!  (did not go over well...)


Well, that says quite a bit...Yes, I have my faults.  Don't we all?  Gee, I sure hope so.  That must be called being human.  To all blondes out there...hope you don't take offense ~ I AM a bit of a flake at times, and often people say that to me..."typical blonde"  I've come to terms with it and find it quite useful at times!!

Anyone else gonna give this a try?  Thanks for the inspiration Charley!

Here are some fun pumpkin pics from last weekend! 


Two things....

For lack of something profound to write about this evening, I decided to open a small window.  I found this "quiz" at Charley's journal:

Here's my "things"


Two names you go by:

Mrs. B


Two parts of your heritage:



Two things that scare you:

Something bad happening to my family (this can keep me up at night)

Very loud thunder storms

Two everyday essentials:


Hugs from my girls

Two things you are wearing right now:

A marroon sweater

Beige pants

Two favorite bands/musical artists (at the moment):

Shania Twain

Rascal Flatts

Two favorite songs (at the moment)

That new LeeAnn Rhimes song...I can't think of the's driving me crazy.  ("Got a date with the preachers son...people say I'm crazy. Guess I'll have to see...")

I have to finish this later...Must go pick up my daughter from Choir! 





Friday, October 21, 2005

Peaceful and gentle, lambs have been used in religious imagery for millennia. Lambs are baby sheep, an animal tended by shephards since the dawn of history. As a lamb, you tend to stay together in a flock and graze on grassy land. Lambs don't mind being led and tend not to go off on their own.

You were almost a: Bear Cub or a Turtle
You are least like a: Squirrel or a Mouse



This was a fun quiz.  I needed to have some fun this evening.  The week has gone pretty well.  Thank you so much to all who have been wishing me peace and means the world.  There are a lot of undone parts of my life, pieces of me still waiting to be layed down into place.  I know this, which is a pretty good start.  I have dreamed of taking off into the White Mountains and doing some major

soul searching, and then coming to some eye opening conclusion about something that needs changing and then changing it.  The most wonderful thing is that I love my family and my life so much that I would not be able to stay away long enough!  My girls are my life, and to some, that may sound as though I only live to be a mom....well, honestly, that may be true.  But then, I sometimes wonder about that part of me that used to go out and have fun. Adult fun.  My husband and I haven't been able to go out on a "date" for about 2 years.  I think we went to a movie last...some date!  Can do that at home.  We've only danced together once ~ at our wedding reception!  Yet, I have to remember that this is not his choice...he has to work! 

Alright...I will wallow no more this evening.  Mai and I are home together tonight.  Big sis has gone to a musical performance of Guys and Dolls with a friend.  So I have had some alone time with both of them, as Mai was at a friend's house yesterday...It's important to have quality time with them both, one on one, without the sibling rivalry.  Constant sibling rivalry, that is.  I think they take a lot of their own issues out on each other.  It just hurts to see them so upset with each other all the time.  When it's good, it's very good, and short and sweet.  ***all normal, all normal, all normal***

Well, I need to get us ready for bed soon...we have to get up for early double header field hockey games in the morning.  Hope all of you have a great, relaxing weekend!      




Sunday, October 16, 2005



Hearing whispers in the dark

    It doesn't seem to be

A pleasant sound when alone

The world keeps spinning

   The sun rises, shining

        In my window


So do you hear me when

   I scream when I can't

see the light through the blinds?

Do you feel my heart beating

      against your skin

as you sleep do you dream?

         are you alone?


                                           Not having the best of days today.


I feel so ashamed when I am down.  There are so many people, thousands, that are truly in pain.  Pain from suffering.  Pain from loss.

I usually am very good at counting my blessings.  Today just doesn't happen to be a day for numbers. 

 I'm sorry for not being grateful today, but I just can't turn off the tightening in my chest.  I keep looking at the walls.  These damn blasted white walls that we aren't allowed to paint any other color.  Thank goodness the girls are busy with their friends.  I would be truly embarrassed.  I try SO HARD to always be positive with them.  To always look on the bright side of things.  Yet, I know they feel it too.  Maybe that's what is causing the emotional outbursts.  When I am trying with all my might to do fun things and be happy and laugh, do they stomp on that just to say, "MOM, Duh..."  Do they know how alone I feel?  Do they feel that way as well?   God, dear God, I hope not. 

I'm sorry that I am feeling this way....I fear that if I open that blockage to my soul and allow myself to feel that I will lose what I do have.  I feel as though I must block it out to keep things going throughout the day to day...When I feel like shit and then 2 hours later I am smiling and sipping tea while I fold the laundry, is it because I really feel well again, or is my mind playing tricks on me?  Blocking it out again so I can go on with the day.....?  Getting so busy being alone that I forget to feel.

And yet if I truly were all alone, it would be 10 times harder....

Well, maybe my next entry will be more upbeat.  I just needed to do this today.










Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Head Smasher No More


I feel like a new person tonight, thanks to you!  Not too long ago, I was this frustrated, headsmasher trying desperately to figure the graphics thing out.  Rebecca, I am dedicating this one to you...and let's hope it all saves fine.  If not, this computer is straight out the window!  Your instuctions were outstanding, though, so shouldn't be anymore problems.  May even try out another....

Ok, this is tricky.  I'm still experimenting.  I wanted to add another graphic and it opened up above next to the head smasher guy....I have some work to do!



This is definetly working out.

Alright, my daughter is getting pretty annoyed with me and I can't say I blame her.  She wants help scrapbooking and is getting louder with every word I add to this entry. 


Saturday, October 8, 2005

Life path


Your life path number is 3

Your Life Path is one that emphasizes expression, sociability, and creativity as the lesson to be learned in this life. You possess the most exceptional creative skills: normally in the verbal realm, writing, speaking, acting, or similar endeavors.

The lesson to be learned with a 3 life path is that of achievement through expression.

The bright side of this path stresses harmony, beauty and pleasures; of sharing your creative talents with the world. Capturing your capability in creative self-expression is the highest level of attainment for this life path. You are warm and friendly, a good conversationalist, social and open.

A good conversationalist both from the standpoint of being a delight to listen to, but even more importantly, one who has the ability to listen to others. You are always a welcome addition to any social situation and know how to make others feel at home.

Your reative imagination is present, if sometimes latent, as the you may not be moved to develop your talent. Your approach to life tends to be exceedingly positive, and your disposition is almost surely sunny and open-hearted. You effectively cope with all of the many setbacks that occur in life and readily bounce back for more.  You seem to be very conscious of other people's feelings and emotions.

Life is generally lived to the fullest, often without much worry about tomorrow. You are not very good at handling money because of a general lack of concern about it. You spend it when you have it and don't when you don't.

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<a href="">What Is Your Life Path Number?</a>

The result of this Life Path number reminded me of when I was in Junior High and we took a test of sorts to determine what would be a good career choice.  Mine resulted in exactly what I had excelled in and felt most comfortable doing.  ART.

I did quite poorly in school, as I have mentioned before.  I also felt compelled to get into physical altercations with other kids...particularly boys.  I never have understood why I had such an agressive personality.  It has bothered me for my whole peace-loving adult life.  I seemed to have had a desire to show them all that I would not be messed with.  I had a lot of angry feelings inside and at the time could not understand those feelings.  I still don't. 

I felt most peaceful and quiet in my head when I was using an artistic outlet to express.  I felt good when I was painting, drawing, singing and making my own music on the piano.  All those clenched up nerves would relax and I would flow into whatever I was creating. 

So this path number is quite interesting to me...

Perhaps I need to find more creative ways to spend my days.  Maybe an art class at our local gallery...or ceramics.  Maybe I should sing again....or at least more often.  My journal began with the title: Time For ME.  With all the running around I do, it's next to impossible to make this happen without a great deal of planning and concious effort. 

NO complaining though.  I love the time I spend with my hope is that they will stop fighting long enough to enjoy the time as well.  I know it's normal...but will they ever get along?  Be friends even?  Such is sibling life, I suppose.  Being an only child makes it hard for me to understand this my oldest tells me. 

she's probably right.



Monday, October 3, 2005

Monday Photo Shoot

Your Monday Photo Shoot: Catch a critter in a picture! For the purposes of this photo shoot, a "critter" is a creature that is not a pet, so no dogs or cats, but mice, squirrels, pigeons, badgers, hedgehogs, wolverines, deer, dragons, sasquatch or any other sort of ambulatory thing is acceptable (as are bugs).

I have been in Journal land for 7 months now and I have yet to figure out how to post a frameless photo, graphic or link.  I understand the whole http thing, but how on earth do you all just type a persons name and it links readers to their journal??  How can I add graphics?  I have some nice graphics saved in a folder, I've done that much, but I guess I just don't have time to figure it all out unless I want to stay up until 3am.  No thanks.  I have a hard enough time getting up as it is. 

So anyway, this is my Monday Photo Shoot pic.  I was dubbing around with my canon at my grandparents house over the summer.  The bee is really clear in an enlarged photo, so I really do like this one.

I didn't visit Nana and Gramps as much as I would have liked to this summer.  Even this year.  It seems so hard to find the time when we are all free to take a whole day or weekend to drive 2 hours down.  NO, that's pathetic.  I need to make the time happen.  Yes, we have busy lives...who doesn't?  I feel so guilty and angry at myself for not going more.  My Gramps is so low in spirits now with my Nana in the nursing home.  Mom tries to make me feel better by saying no other grandchildren visit them, but I wish I could go more.  If they were closer, I'd visit all the time.  I would love to go have dinner with Nana at the home.  As I mentioned in a previous entry, the Alzheimer's prevents her from even remembering we were there, so it would be nice to be able to make her day a little brighter every day, even though she wouldn't recall my being there....just to see her smile is more for my benefit, I guess.  I feel blessed that she at least still knows who we all are.

Gramps has his cancer surgery on Monday, so I did take the day off from work to be there.  He is a wreck worrying about it.  It is not life threatening, but more of a painful tumor in his eye lid that looksand feels awful.  Also the skin cancer on his cheek, part of which he's had removed twice already.  Please, lather up yourselves and the kiddos with's not pretty. 

On a lighter note, what a glorious fall we are having.  It has been close to 80* for three straight days and it seems it's going to continue for a few more days.  The cooler nights are helping me sleep better as well.  I love the four seasons in New England.  I always try not to complain too much about the extremes of the seasons.  We don't have too long before it all changes.  Don't blink, as they say.

The girls have gotten their Halloween costumes already...borrowed, mind you, which is perfectly fine with ME!  They are my concience.  A lovely, flowing angel and a red devil with glowing horns.  Yikes.

Until next time, all be well!

Sunday, October 2, 2005

<a href="" target="_blank"><img src="" border="0"></a><br><br>
<font face="arial"><a href="" target="_blank">what decade does your personality live in?</a><br><br>
quiz brought to you by <a href="" target="_blank">lady interference, ltd</a></font>

Sunday afternoon...not doing much today.  Church this morning, a bit of laundry, grocery shopping, fun.  I took this personality quiz found in the Saturday Six.  There never seems to be enough time to answer all the questions, but I was interested in finding out what decade I related most to.  Being an 80's woman doesn't surprise me.  I was in high school then, and even though those days seemed very depressing to me at the time, I look back and remember a lot of good experiences as well.  Quite frankly, I'm lucky to be here today writing this...I allowed myself to fall deeply into the adolescent hole of self pity, but I had a lot of friends down there with me.  I'm sure many of you had similar teenage years.  I was a middle girl.  I had friends who were cheerleaders and football players and also friends who were thought of as outcasts.  It seems so funny to me now...we actually had an outdoor smoking room for students!  Of course no one used it except the "losers" even though the popular kids smoked behind their closet doors!  When I flunked out of freshman year, dyed my hair black and looked like I just moved into town straight from a punk rock video, I lost quite a few friends...and gained some new ones that mom and dad looked at crosseyed from behind the flowered curtain of our very normal home.  So many things happened back then.  I won't get into them all.  Maybe in another entry.  Like I said, I'm lucky to be here.  I'm thankful every day.

I finally turned myself back around in '87, knowing I had to shape up or be a failure forever.  I had to go to summer school for the second summer in a row to graduate with my class.  I did, and I even looked "normal" again, too.  Much to the delight of my parents, who really put up with so much crap from me.  I never really appreciated them until about 2 years later, but I wasn't so difficult to be around anymore.  I still am shocked that I graduated with my class...or at all.

Part of the reason I do what I do for work is to help kids get a positive start to school and to help them build healthy relationships with other kids.  I think this is so important at an early age, to get that extra help when you need it.  Teachers do an amazing job, educating 16+ students every day for 7 job is to help meet the needs of those who feel lost or who don't believe in themselves.  I want them to feel positive about school at an early age and have them know that they are okay, and help is available. 

I believe my difficult experiences during the 80's shaped my into the adult I am today.  I didn't cry in vain.  I hope I can always realize my purpose on this earth as a mother, a wife, a daughter and a teacher, and never forget that I am okay, too.  :o)

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Feeling Hopeful...

This week has started out better at work.  I decided to be assertive in communicating with the teachers in both of my classes and it has helped in giving us all a better understanding of what is expected and needed for all involved.  Monday got me talking when I was asked to sit across from her instead of beside her and 5 minutes into the circletime she had both shoes off, her name tag torn apart and her new sweater mom had bought her for school pictures wrapped around her sweet head.  So, of course I kept my distance as I was told, but I was aching to help her out of her bind!!  Anyway, thank you all of you who commented and gave encouraging words...I am pretty confident in this area of my life, and I am sure that as time passes, this too will get easier.  I am trying to be patient!  I was with the same student for 3 years so these kiddos are new to me...and kindergarten is such a new concept for any of them!  I have 2 field trips to go on this week, so the next few days should be a lot of fun.

Mr. B has been home on his 4 days off this's been so nice for all of us.  He has cooked us dinner 2 nights in a row, has cleaned out our storage and closet areas and is helping with pickups from school.  The girls sure love having him home.  Restaraunt hours are so horrible...and he works 3 weeks in a row before having his time off.  They never see him during that time, as they leave for school before he awakes and go to bed before he gets home.  Not to mention my feelings of handling it all alone most of the time....wait, I'm not complaining.  I actually like knowing what needs to be done and doing it.  But, it is nice to have a little help once in a while.  He sure works his butt off though.  I have my off days about this, as do the girls, which is the hardest part.  But we've been doing it for 12 years...

Well, I'm off to bed.  Long trip to Fort #4 tomorrow..



Friday, September 23, 2005

Para Woes

I really haven't written an entry of personal content for a while...once school starts my screen name kicks in and life is once again spinning!  I'm back to work, the girls are working hard and busy after school with activities, friends and homework.  I'm also teaching Sunday school and all those youth activities have started as well.  This on top of the normal day to day laundry, cooking, housecleaning.....well you know.  It's all fun for me, but by the time I am allowed to relax, I generally fall into a deep slumber....             

My school year has started out, well, pretty different in the classrooms that I am working in.  There are the same challenges of course, and some different.  It's not so much the challenges with the students I am assigned to, this kind of challenge I am quite accustomed to.  It can be difficult to know sometimes what is expected of me by the classroom teacher.  I have a child in kindergarten with mild retardation and Downs Syndrome and really she is like a 3 year old.  I have fallen head over heels for her and thoroughly enjoy working with her, but I've been told to back off.  That she needs to do more for herself.  Actually, I thought I was doing this, but apparently her case manager, has said I'm letting her depend on me too much.  First of all, kindergarten started only 2 weeks ago, and I have never worked with this little cutie and I haven't a clue as to what she is like, nor was I given one.  Also, her case manager has only been in one time for about 10 minutes, so she certainly isn't getting the big picture.  Today during our class greeting song, the kids had to stand and get in line as we sung and even though I was sitting next to her, the teacher skipped right over me so I wouldn't be next to her in the line as we sang.  She put me at the end.  All the kids of course noticed and shouted out, "What about Mrs. B?"  She just kept right on singing...

My morning kids don't even want my help....

I guess it was a crappy day.  I'm glad to be home.

Wow...I'm really going on and on rambling.  There's so many more incidents, but I really must stop.  I'm just going to go on doing what I think is right.  I had a phone message from our music teacher the other night thanking me for being with the kids in music and that I'm wonderful, so I'll just keep replaying that message over and over again until I feel better.


Wednesday, September 14, 2005

2nd Place Poetry? WOW!

There are times in life when we all feel unloved, unappreciated and just plain lousy.  That's what I have felt quite a bit today.  Until....

I decided to check my email!

I recieved second place in the Poetry Dance for my poem "Summer's Sun Kissed Cheeks"  *see last entry.. (It says "Lips", but that's ok!)  I AM loved!!  I really am so shocked.  I even thought there might be a grammatical error in there...someone liked it, anyway! 

I am always my own worst critic.  I put myself down and see all the flaws as if they were painted with bright green glowing paint.  That in itself is one of my biggest flaws...see?  I'm doing it again.

Thank you to all the judges who voted for my poem.  That had to have been a very difficult job.

Thanks to Auburndawn for Poetry Dance.  It has really forced me (gently) to dig a little deeper and write something creative again.  Something I haven't done since high school.  (80's)

Thanks to all who have sent me thoughtful condolences in emails...I appreciate every one of you!  All of you are wonderful!!


Sunday, September 4, 2005

End of summer poem for the Poetry Dance challenge.  This is just for fun, mind you.  I just logged on and haven't even thought of anything yet, so give me a moment.....



Summer's sun kissed cheeks

Fading to a milky glow

Moon shadows dance on trees

And silently waits for snow

Scented candles fill my breath

The lonely beaches mourn

For little feet to scatter 'round

For flowers to be born

Beautiful colors floating down

To waiting cherub hands

Summer's over it is true

But autumn has it's plans





Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Haiku Poem For the Dance

This weeks poem assignment at Poetry Dance is to write a Haiku Poem about a journal that you are fond of.  I had a hard time deciding, as I love you all...but one inparticular that stands out to me as always being one of my favorites is Rebecca's journal

When I first found her journal, I was so happy to see another mom who takes her girls fishing!  Flyfishing no less!  I was hooked!


So here goes...


An inspiration

To all who visit her there

How she makes me THINK!             


Saturday, August 27, 2005


There's a new place in Jland to sit back, put up your feet and get your creative juices flowing.  It was created by two clever journalers to bring together anyone who wishes to share their originality with others...and that's why we're all here, right?  The place to go is Poetry Dance.  The time to do it is now!

Writer's are asked to start with a Bio-Poem.  Here's mine.



Hopeful...yet fearful

of unknowns and knowns

Daughter of the sea

And sky she was shown

That singing with angels

While playing with winds

May somehow be wishing 

to wash away sins...

She's a lover of stars

Water and dreams

Yet fears her own failures

and what those dreams mean

She needs to be needed,

Loved and held dear

She gave to her own

Her flesh, blood and tears

She would like to feel peace

In her heart and her mind

Home her soul searches for

Until it's her time






Friday, August 26, 2005

Understanding it now..

For a while now, as some of you may have noticed, I've been feeling the Blahs.  After my follow up visit with my Doc today, I could kick myself for not paying enough attention to my health. 

A few months ago, I could not, for the life of me, find my Rx for my Thyroid condition.  Being the busy mom that I am, one that very rarely worries about herself, I pretty much blew it off...all the while, in the back of my head, knowing that I shouldn't be.  I have never taken very good care of myself, which is ridiculous because I AM a mom and I want to be here for them until I am 103 (at least).  Yet, I let myself go, putting off thoughts of MY health, only making sure that the girls get to their Dr/Dentist/Ortho/Karate/Music/ things.  In the meantime, my Thyroid level has spiraled out of wack once again, of course.  Even more than it was initially.  It seems that any normal person would be collapsing at my current level.  It is no wonder that I feel like shit.  Normal Thyroid levels are around I am at a level of 48.  In the event that you are feeling very tired but can't sleep, you're out of sorts and forgetting what you're doing on a regular basis, you're hair is falling out when you wash it, you're skin is very dry and you feel cold all the time....get tested!  PLEASE!  This is also why I can't lose weight and have no desire to exercise! 

I must now remain on top of this, I know, if I am going to want to stay on top of things.  I go back to work next position has gone from a 1:1 Special Education Para to a 1:6 SEP.  I am definetely going to need my energy back by then!!!

In other news....Mailee recieved her green belt yesterday after a long, hard 2 hour test!!  YEH!  She has worked so hard and Karate has given her such confidence.  Congrats, hon!!


Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Ok...I have erased what I have written three times now.  Started out with poems ~ gone.  Then wrote thoughts ~ ramblings.  I am finding it difficult at the moment.  When I sat down, the girls were off doing their own thing.  Just a moment later, they were standing beside me arguing.  Something far less upsetting than their FIGHTING, but distracting just the same.  I am now getting the "Mommy, my wrist hurts" and the "my stomach hurts".  The TV is on, yet the one not watching is singing loudly with her headphones on.  Oh dear the cell is ringing...This is not working out for now.  Perhaps later!  :o)

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Thankful once again...

Remember when I said I was worried that something bad would bestow us because I was taking for granted all our blessings?  Well, it was far from tragic, but things could have gotten worse....

Last night, while I was adding my "fishing" entry, Amanda, who has suffered from extreme allergies for years, was starting to develop an annoying cough.  She was online for awhile and it seemed to get worse and worse, making it almost impossible for her to take a breath.  I was becoming more and more worried.  It had never gotten so bad so quickly.  I made her get off the computer ~ which was impossible for her to even use, she was coughing so nonstop ~ and I put my ear to her back...her weasing was so awful!!  I was very worried now, and decided that once Mr B. came home to stay with Mailee, I would take Amanda to the ER.

We got home at 4:30AM.

But at least we got home, and she was going to be okay.

She was having an Asthma attack....they said that if I hadn't brought her in, she could have been in a lot of danger.  They had her breathe through a Nebulizer for about 10 minutes, which helped tremendously.  They did a chest xray, and it was alright, but showed typical signs of asthma.  Checked her oxygen levels, etc...finally she was able to breathe well again and the cough got significantly better.  They gave her a new prescription for a stronger inhaler containing steroid and a spacer to inhale the medicine.  She has to do this everyday, whether she is weasy or not, along with her allergy pills and nose spray...gosh, I hate having her take so much medicine.  But, if it's going to help...

I know there are families that are dealing with much more serious health issues.  This is reminding me, once again, how lucky we are.  I am "BAM"ed into shape, Lord.  Thank you...AGAIN!


Saturday, August 13, 2005

Looking ahead...

Well, the girls and I just arrived home a short while ago.  The day has gone better than I thought it would.  The pics are from our fishing excursion.  We didn't catch anything ~ well, not fish anyway.  Mai caught herself a stickfish (check pics) and we all had our share of fun with the crawfish!  After fishing we came home and went swimming.  Very refreshing...and they didn't fight.  Something they are really struggling with.  Especially lately.  Being home with them all summer is something I always want to enjoy, but they can take the enjoyment out of it in a New York minute when they want to.  I try to mask my feelings of unhappiness, but they must feel it when I'm down.  Perhaps it's their way of saying, "MOOOM!  Focus over here!!"  And believe me, I do.

After swimming and dinner we went to our local dairy twirl (just what I needed) and then I took them to the playground.  Yes, Amanda still enjoys a little playground action.  They had fun there.  Then, you guessed it, back to the river.  Unfortunately, by that time the bats were out. 


Enough said.

Now, we are home.  Home...something I need to remember is priceless.

Mr. B will be home in an hour or so.  I want to continue to feel hopeful.  I don't have much else to say....'cept goodnight!


Trying to sort it out....

I've been feeling a bit out of sorts lately.  Alright, maybe a lot out of sorts.  I've been putting off writing because I feel like I shouldn't be complaining and yet if I get on and write that all is well, or just tell of my daily routine, it's not being honest.  To myself, or anyone reading this.  I'm hoping this uneasy feeling will simply usually does.  Then I can look back and say, "What the @#%$ was wrong with me?!"  Sometimes when I feel this way, I get very worried that something tragic will happen.  Like I wasn't being thankful for my blessings.  Taking people and things for granted.  Then it's decided in my fate somewhere that "BAM!" I will learn a powerful lesson about what's important.  I hope that our fate is preprogramed somehow and that what is meant to be will be meant to be. 

The only thing that I know to be true is that my family is the most important thing in my life...those that are attached to be by blood and flesh.  I will forever know that motherhood is my one true thing.  I may not always be the best at it, but I always strive to be. 

I keep erasing what I write because it sounds so ridiculous! 

The girls and I are leaving in a few to go fishing.  We have only been a couple times this summer.  Maybe this will help my mood.  I need to get out.  To stop staring at the walls...Tears come and I feel so ashamed.  I don't want my babies to see me like this.  It's a beautiful Saturday with a nice gentle breeze and sunny skies.  I can't wait to sit by the river...I hope the combination of sun and sparkling ripples of water will fill the emptiness and dull the cries in my head. 

I'll write again when I'm feeling better ~ I promise! 

Sunday, August 7, 2005

Reflecting on Religion

The Pictures I posted today are 1.) The Sky (of course), and 2.) My daughter looking at her reflection in the puddle by our pool.  I have to admit, I asked her to lie down and look in the puddle because I thought it would make a good picture, and I think it really does....

The amazing is that?  When the sun's rays shine through the clouds like that it gives me a warm, comforting feeling.  I've been told, in the past, that this feeling is the Holy Ghost.  That whenever you feel this... whether it's during prayer, great joy, great sorrow, or just whenever.  I know it feels wonderful. 

I have had so many questions through the years about religion.  About God.  I take my children to church throughout the church school year.  They are involved in Choir and bells.  Yet, we don't go all summer long...just because there is no church school.  When my older daughter was about 3, I wanted to start going to church again.  At THAT time, I felt that children should stay in worship with their families...then, I finally figured out that that was not an option.  They don't understand what's being said on an adult level like that.  They get much more from the curriculum which is age appropriate...I know this because I alternate teaching their classes every year.  And yet, there's these questions...I have questions!  And DOUBTS!  I'm ashamed to admit it!  Does this mean I am without faith?  Damn.  I'm really upset about this.  I have always told kids in class that having doubts is all a part of the journey.  Honestly?  I can only hope this is true.

I recently found out that we will be finally getting a new minister soon.  Our beloved Peter retired two years ago.  We have had an intrim minister ever since that, well, another shameful thing, I haven't loved quite as much.  Ahem.  Lots of prayers about this, yes.  If someone preaches one thing and they don't live by their words, it's very hard for me to sit and listen to them.  Sorry.  I'm just not into hypocrisy.  All these strikes against me...

I suppose some of you are wondering why I even go to church.  I know my husband is...well, it's that warm feeling I get when I look at the sky again.  It's praying in the sanctuary where I was baptized with so many other families that are also there for the right reasons.  It's that feeling of, ok, I know I have questions and doubts, but You forgive me, Lord.  Don't you?  That no matter that millions of people out there believe with all their heart and soul something different from the next person.  It's ok.  Whatever reasons these doubts cloud my mind...the sun's rays will shine through and warm me every single day of my life, regardless. 

"There's some things I know to be true                                                       Snow is white, and the ocean is blue                                                              Rain is wet when it falls from the sky                                                              And the stars come out every night                                                                And just as sure as the sun will rise                                                              This love is real, you see in my eyes                                                            Plant a seed and it will grow                                                                         There's some things I know...."

Billy Gilman


Thursday, August 4, 2005


Subject unknown....I feel at a loss lately.  I'm not sure if it's that I have little to say, or if I'm avoiding issues.  I wonder if my reasons for changing the idea for my journal were really just a coverup for avoiding my own garbage.  I have mentioned journals to certain friends and family members, so perhaps that makes it harder for me to write.  I should have kept it my little secret!  (sorry, if any of you are reading!)  I feel now I can only write what I would allow people in my life to read.  An open book, so to speak.  Not only for all of you unknowns out there, but for some people who see or speak to me everyday!  I look at my decision to change my journal's title now, and think, was I really trying to just hide?  Did I actually think I could?  I mean, all anyone has to do is look up a screen name in journals and POOF there we all are.  Even a simple AOL search will bring up your entries if someone types in a word or two from your journal.  Maybe I need to create a private journal.  That may be the only solution.  No offense, mom.  We're very close, I have told you of many thoughts and what lies heavy on my heart, but there has to be a place I can go to truly unleash.  Not that I want my journal to be a big sob story.  I am honestly, a relatively happy person.  There are just things....crappy things that need my attention.  I ask mom if she checks out my journal at all.  She says no...that journals are to personal and she doesn't want to get caught up in so many dramas.  Gets enough of that at the hair salon where she works, she says.  I myself, find it comforting when I find a journaler who dares to speak of things that I leave unspoken and reaches out to me, unknowingly, from the roots.  And I can say, "YES!  I feel that, too"  Then, I don't feel quite so alone.  It's almost embarrassing to reveal your weaknesses.  I feel stronger when I find someone who battles their demons and wins....or at least attempts to.  I just let time go by.  Wondering if it will all work itself out eventually, and be okay.

This music is great to write to.  I think I will make it a habit.

I must go.  The girls are working on their rooms and I still feel guilty for being on the computer.  Oh, here comes one.  She wants help.  Off I go!  Until we meet again....



Saturday, July 30, 2005


Alzheimer's Disease is slowly taking over my Nana.  Oh, how blessed we are that she can still smile, with that twinkle in her eye, when we walk in the room.  That unmistakeable recognition.  She sometimes forgets how her great granddaughters are related..."I think these are my neices...." she questions, but she quietly accepts it when I reminder her, "No, nana these are your great granddaughters, Amanda and Mailee! :) "  I know there will come a time when I will have to just go along with her.  I'm just not ready for that yet.  SHE'S not ready. 

She is one tough cookie that lady.  Unfortunately, once we, or anyone walks out her door, it's like we were never there.  She is in a place where I could never imagine being.  In her mind, the part of her that is ill, she is alone in this.  It is her understanding that no one comes to see her.  Ever.  When we do go, she tells us this.  Again, we gently reminder her that grandpa comes 2-3 days a week (which is extremely difficult for him, but he does it) and she says, "Oh, I don't remember."  It is such a blessing that we can still HAVE these conversations!  She isn't gone in her own world, speaking in another language all her own to the heating element.  That is another truth for some in there, and that is terribly sad.  The sad part for Nana is that once we go....the conversation never took place.

Nana was old when she was having memory trouble.  Gramps wasn't going to give his lady up.  Spend 50 some odd years with someone you love dearly and give them up?  I don't think it would be an easy thing to do.  When it got bad, and we almost lost her, it became apparent that she wouldn't be coming home.  Ever again.  I suppose some would say it is fortunate that she was diagnosed at such an old age and not in her 50's.  Yes, probably true.  But this disease....this sick, twisted, ugly one should have to endure it at any age.  I know what's inevitable.  I know what lies ahead.  Thank God Nana doesn't.  Still, I try to be positive and thankful that we still have Nana in the moment.  That's what her life is now.  For the moment.  At least it's that.  The dark place that is Alzheimer's hasn't fully engulfed her yet.  Maybe the good Lord will bring her home before it does.

Until then, keep smiling, Nana.  We love you so much!  xoxo see u soon...

A Fresh Start

There comes a time when change is good.  I have made changes to my journals layout in the past, but I woke up this morning with a whole new thought.  Don't ask me why I was thinking about journaling at such a time...I honestly don't usually put that much thought into it.  Since I started my journal in March of this year, I have mostly concentrated on writing about the daily life of my family, which hey, is just fine ~ my family is the most important thing in my life!  Yet, I woke up feeling like, I don't really know exactly.  Like I needed to reflect more on life and let those thoughts out more that twist and turn in this head of mine.  Thoughts on certain topics or ideas.  Thoughts on life.  I may even get creative now and then and write a short story.  It's kind of exciting to have this outlet that is shared with people everywhere.  For a time, I thought, how crazy it was to even think of opening up and letting all these strangers into my life.  My private thoughts.  My family.

I'm getting over it.  

So "here's" to new ideas.   To total abandon.  To freedom of expression....I think I'm gonna like this. 



Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Disney Thrills and Chills (continued)

I have finally gained enough energy back to actually sit up to the computer and write about our trip.  It took a couple days to recoupe.  What a week it was!  If any of you have been to Disney and spent a week or more with the Magic Your Way passes, you know what I'm talking about!  I must say, it was the most exciting vacation we have ever had. 

My phobias seemed to disappear as we started off.  I allowed myself to relax and take in the flight through the clouds.  We flew on Song which is an airline through Delta.  It's supposed to be low airfare.  Well, it was, as far as the tickets went, but then you had to pay for any meal or snack you ate and the movies were pay per view.  Five bucks a pop!  So that was interesting....

Our hotel at Disney All Stars Movies Resort was great.  The pools were very cool with a Mickey Fantasia Fountain and the food court was pretty affordable.  The only thing I was annoyed about was the noise level at 2:00 am when people were just coming in from the Parks after the magic after hours.  Or when the bars closed.  OMG.  It was hard to get any sleep.  The last night, we had to be up at 3:30 to leave and catch the bus by 4:30.  We finally had the girls settled in and we all went to bed at 9:30.  Well, at 11:30 a group came home from I can only guess, and sang "ANCHORS AWAY" at the top of their lungs for about 1/2 an hour.  I never went back to sleep.  I have to say, that is the most frustrating thing ever.  I feel for anyone suffering from insomnia on a regular basis...

We went to Magic Kingdom, Epcot, Animal Kingdom, MGM Studios, Downtown Disney and Typhoon Lagoon.  We loved MK and Epcot the best.  Typhoon Lagoon was also a huge hit, with the wave pool.  That was amazing.  The waves were bigger than the ocean.  It was nice because every year we have gone to NJ shore and we were missing the ocean this year.  All the waves and no salt, sharks or seaweed in your suit.  Had to hold on to the ole' suit though!

Well, it's good to be home, and we have lots of memories and pictures.  I went a bit camera happy and shot over 150 photos.  I obviously won't be able to share them all!  I could go on and on, but I won't....the girls are buggin' to go swimming.  'Til next time.... :) 

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Disney Thrills and Chills

Three more days until we leave for Florida.  Disney here we come.  I just hope I can keep smiling until we get there....I'm not a big fan of transportation.  Of any kind really.  I don't say much about it to anyone.  When I talked about it in the past Mr. B would say, "Don't think such stupid thoughts like that..."  I suppose he's right, but I can't help it.  I think he believes it will bring on negative energy.  Again, I suppose he's right.  What can I do?  Here we are trying to figure out whether to drive to the airport and park there for the week or take the bus down and I sit here thinking, or rather praying, that I make the right decision so that we don't have an accid....I won't even say it.  I received some parking info today via email and so I think we will go with that.  Now, it's praying for no hurricanes.  Among other things.  I remind me of this guy I worked with back in the 80's.  He was a born again christian and every night after work he sat in his car and prayed for 20 minutes before driving home.  I always wondered what he was day I had the courage to ask (I was only about 15) and he told me he prays before driving. 

I'm not quite that bad....not quite being the operative words.

I do pray, though.  If you do, say a little one for us will you?  Gosh, I sound like we have major hurdles to jump.  Geez.  My grandpa is having surgery to remove cancer from his eye and face this gosh.  I'm pathetic.  Love you gramps!  I'm praying for you, too!!!!


This was a cute pic of Mai as a tiger on July 4th.  I just loved the job the young girl did on her face.  Her best friend had hers done the same way and they had a blast running around together growling at people.  I love her smile these days ~ and she does, too.  She had a run in with a bar at the playground last year and chipped her front tooth.  She wouldn't smile for pictures for the longest time.  The dentist fixed it up like new.  No problems smiling now!!