Thursday, August 4, 2005

Unknown

Subject unknown....I feel at a loss lately.  I'm not sure if it's that I have little to say, or if I'm avoiding issues.  I wonder if my reasons for changing the idea for my journal were really just a coverup for avoiding my own garbage.  I have mentioned journals to certain friends and family members, so perhaps that makes it harder for me to write.  I should have kept it my little secret!  (sorry, if any of you are reading!)  I feel now I can only write what I would allow people in my life to read.  An open book, so to speak.  Not only for all of you unknowns out there, but for some people who see or speak to me everyday!  I look at my decision to change my journal's title now, and think, was I really trying to just hide?  Did I actually think I could?  I mean, all anyone has to do is look up a screen name in journals and POOF there we all are.  Even a simple AOL search will bring up your entries if someone types in a word or two from your journal.  Maybe I need to create a private journal.  That may be the only solution.  No offense, mom.  We're very close, I have told you of many thoughts and what lies heavy on my heart, but there has to be a place I can go to truly unleash.  Not that I want my journal to be a big sob story.  I am honestly, a relatively happy person.  There are just things....crappy things that need my attention.  I ask mom if she checks out my journal at all.  She says no...that journals are to personal and she doesn't want to get caught up in so many dramas.  Gets enough of that at the hair salon where she works, she says.  I myself, find it comforting when I find a journaler who dares to speak of things that I leave unspoken and reaches out to me, unknowingly, from the roots.  And I can say, "YES!  I feel that, too"  Then, I don't feel quite so alone.  It's almost embarrassing to reveal your weaknesses.  I feel stronger when I find someone who battles their demons and wins....or at least attempts to.  I just let time go by.  Wondering if it will all work itself out eventually, and be okay.

This music is great to write to.  I think I will make it a habit.

I must go.  The girls are working on their rooms and I still feel guilty for being on the computer.  Oh, here comes one.  She wants help.  Off I go!  Until we meet again....

 

 

3 comments:

hillareeday said...

I know exactly what you mean! My journal is almost two years old and I haven't told anyone about it. Some friends know I have a journal on aol, but they don't know the name of it nor my screenname. I have another screen name/email address that I share with everyone else. That is part of the reason too why I don't post pics of myself or others in my journal.
I like to be able to write freely too.

justaname4me2 said...

Michelle,
  Do I have the wrong journal here? Because it says you haven't updated since April...........help I'm lost :o)
Rebecca

sierrajazz said...

Hey you will figure it all out... you will find your comfort zone....I too like hilaree have my journal but my friends and family don't know about it and don't read it. If they did I would be very restricted as to what I would write so as not to hurt anyone's feelings. This is like a diary and I write and share my negative frustrations from time to time, along with more positive happy entries... but it is for other J-land journalers only... not my family. I also have a private journal for just me to really let loose with the anger or jealousy, and immature reactions that that sometimes get away from me.  I have to have a place to direct them that won't hurt anyone.  People here all have different types of journals for different reasons. Take your time and figure out what you want and need..  Your writing is honest and I enjoy your entries very much.