Saturday, August 13, 2005

Trying to sort it out....

I've been feeling a bit out of sorts lately.  Alright, maybe a lot out of sorts.  I've been putting off writing because I feel like I shouldn't be complaining and yet if I get on and write that all is well, or just tell of my daily routine, it's not being honest.  To myself, or anyone reading this.  I'm hoping this uneasy feeling will simply pass....it usually does.  Then I can look back and say, "What the @#%$ was wrong with me?!"  Sometimes when I feel this way, I get very worried that something tragic will happen.  Like I wasn't being thankful for my blessings.  Taking people and things for granted.  Then it's decided in my fate somewhere that "BAM!" I will learn a powerful lesson about what's important.  I hope that our fate is preprogramed somehow and that what is meant to be will be meant to be. 

The only thing that I know to be true is that my family is the most important thing in my life...those that are attached to be by blood and flesh.  I will forever know that motherhood is my one true thing.  I may not always be the best at it, but I always strive to be. 

I keep erasing what I write because it sounds so ridiculous! 

The girls and I are leaving in a few to go fishing.  We have only been a couple times this summer.  Maybe this will help my mood.  I need to get out.  To stop staring at the walls...Tears come and I feel so ashamed.  I don't want my babies to see me like this.  It's a beautiful Saturday with a nice gentle breeze and sunny skies.  I can't wait to sit by the river...I hope the combination of sun and sparkling ripples of water will fill the emptiness and dull the cries in my head. 

I'll write again when I'm feeling better ~ I promise! 

2 comments:

justaname4me2 said...

Darlin, if we didn't feel out of sorts at times, how would we know we were human? You can't disregard your thoughts and feelings, good and bad, because your worried about complaining. True, there will always be "someone" out there who has it worse off then you, or better, thats a darling fact of this thing we call life. Personally I think it's more healty to acknowledge the good with the bad and NOT disregard it to yourself. Enjoy the good, write about it, learn from the tough and write about it, it's all part of the big picture......
Of course, those are just my thoughts :o)
Take care friend,
Rebecca

sierrajazz said...

This was a great entry... full of your true emotions... showing the doubt, the worry, the compassion, the lOVE for your family and the appreciation of natures beauty... these are the kind of entries I enjoy... they are REAL!!!  Don't stop writing.