Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Home Again

It's days like today that make me wish I was still a SAHM. 

Amanda is home sick ~ again.  I had to call in last minute ~ again.  My coworkers secretly hate me ~ again... 

I'm feeling guilty for many reasons.  One, because I have been pushing her to go to school.  I can not help but say, "hon, there are kids with colds all over the place.  You need to go, and try to shake it off and not miss anymore assignments."  This is not what I would have said if I was still staying home.  I would have taken her to be seen much sooner.  Still, over the weekend, she seemed much better, and we spent a good portion of our time outside, at the pool and having fun, as I mentioned in my previous entry.  So, I THOUGHT she was on the mend.  So I've been pushing her.  NOT like me at all... I don't want to let down my fellow colleagues, or my students that depend on me to get through the day.  And this is no exaggeration.  Every time I'm out, I go back to stories of how awful "her" day was.  How can I not feel at fault for that?  And yet, I know that family has always been my first priority, and I've been neglecting that priority by pushing her to go to school.  I'm taking her to the doctor's this morning (I know, it's about time...) and perhaps they will give her something a bit more powerful than the otc medicine I've been giving her.  My fear is that I've waited too long and she'll end up having pneumonia or something worse... Part of the pushing also stems from her teacher, who blamed her absences last quarter for the drop in grades.  This was very upsetting for her, and for me, as I am diligent in making sure she is staying on track and getting any missed assignments.  For some reason, when Amanda asked for assignments she had missed, her teacher would say she didn't have them at the moment but would get them to her.  Then never did.  Now I'm not completely naive to think the this might not be the complete story on Amanda's part, I can't imagine the teacher not giving her the missed work she requested and then marking her down as incomplete.... and yet, my daughter has always been at the top of her class until this year.  Nothing she does is good enough for this lady, and that may just be her teaching style.  Still, I can't see Amanda not approaching her, and then lying to me saying she did.  Still again, she IS a preteen.... :-s

Anyway, this is my morning rant.  Thanks for listening!



Monday, May 29, 2006



You wander on midnight's ground,
Lost among a sharp forest of desire -
Deep and dim with a lifetime of longing.

Moody nocturne you brood beneath a moon
That bears a black of blacks -
A drowning void of starless sky, consuming

Your expression like a fever.
Still and glowing with a thrill
That loosens the past. What aching nostalgia

You reflect; what enchanting forms.
A rare rain, a strange chord,
A faint glance. From the cobwebbed

Corners of doubt to under my breath,
So heavy it shames the air.
Allowing the evening to embrace our figures,

You simply gaze through a thirst
And draw my endless affection.
The more I feel...

author unknown (and greatly appreciated)




Sunday, May 28, 2006

A "Sunny" Disposition

The sun.... oh how nice to see the sun.  To feel it warming my skin, even a bit too much just so the warmth will last a little longer.  I took the girls out to buy them new bathing suits, as our pool has opened up and they needed them.  Bless their hearts, they even talked me into buying one for myself.... even dragged me around, wanting to find just the right style and color for me.  They know I very rarely spend money on myself.  It will wait until there are holes in something before I purchase it new.  I even get much of my wardrobe at our local thrift shop.  It's just always been more important to me to make sure they have what they need, or want.  My needs are always last ~ and don't get me wrong, that's the way I want it.  But today they thought of me and that pleased me, so I humored them a bit and let them chose the styles to try on.  I have to admit, I'm doing a bit of a happy dance today, because usually trying on anything is very upsetting to me due to the adding on of pounds throughout the years.  But yesterday I was daring enough to step on the scale because I had been recieving comments from people lately about my weightloss.  Starting from my highest, probably going back a year and a half, I discovered I had lost a total of about 30 pounds.  I was stuck in the same spot for about 6 months, so I didn't think anything had changed.  Much to my surprise.... ;o)  Anyway, I tried on suits 2 sizes smaller than usual, and they fit.  This is a welcome addition to my spring, believe me.  Not really sure why I am sharing this, but it's a big step for me, and it makes me happy, so I feel like writing about it.  I've written before, and have since deleted, about my compulsive eating issues.  It stems back to childhood, and I have struggled with it ever since.  I suppose it may be part of the "other" addiction that seems to run in my family, the one I try to steer clear of.  It's more of an emotional thing than anything else, which I realize is also what drives any addiction.  I'm trying to live by the idea that anything in moderation is okay... journaling also helps, and keeping busy.  Which is why the sun is so welcoming to me right now.  It gets me out and the girls are also happier to be spending time together doing something meaningful.  It's been harder on them lately, especially Mailee, that they don't have their father home for them to spend time with.  It's much harder for me to watch them go through that than any sadness I might be feeling.  So being able to spend time outdoors is beneficial to all three of us.  The rain, while it lasted WAY too long for my liking, did create a beautiful surrounding of bright green plant life.  Between that, the sun, the gentle New England wind and the lifeloving splashes of swimming children, it's no wonder we were out there for hours.  Thank goodness, mom bought me an aloe plant for easter...

Kids are beckoning me to start tacos.  I better get a move on!

Hoping everyone is having an enjoyable weekend!



Thursday, May 25, 2006

Should've Been A Pisces

You Should Be A Pisces

 What's good about you: carefree and compassionate, you are truly light hearted

What's bad about you: when things get bad, you tend to retreat and not let others in

In love: you're a true romantic - it's flowers, bubble baths, and candles all the way

In friendship, you're: eager to lend a sympathetic ear and likely to develop a deep connection

Your ideal job: bartender, magician, or secret agent

Your sense of fashion: simple clothes that don't distract from your personality

You like to pig out on: seafood - from fish sticks to salmon

                                WHAT SIGN SHOULD YOU BE?



I attempted to post an entry earlier this evening, but was booted in the rear by AOL.  That is so irritating!!  I'm not exactly the fastest typer and with little time in the day, I strive to make the most of it.  So here I am again... this is actually a better time for me to write anyway, as the girls are sleeping peacefully and I can have this quiet moment to myself.  Sorry, kids.... mom's have needs too, ya know.

I decided to take on the new position for next year.  I've decided to look at it from a professional point of view, that it will be a good opportunity to teach more and I will learn more as well, from partnering with this highly qualified, experienced teacher.  She tracked me down today with a huge smile and hugged me, saying how excited she is for next year already.  She smiled every time she saw me in the halls, which is so interesting because she hasn't cracked a smile at me all year long.  I always try to make it a point to make eye contact and smile with everyone I pass throughout the day. Probably because for all mylife I've been told to "smile" because apparently I appear to look like I'm frowning.  Now I have a smile complex... But really, I just like to TRY to remain positive, and smiles are contagious when they are genuine.  Last year was a much more challenging year, and many days were spent supervising my student outside of the planning room after he slugged me.... those were not all too happy days.

I don't have a lot to say this evening, just wanted to update on the job issue.  Thanks for all the well wishes sent my way! 

Tuesday, May 23, 2006



Ever since I was a little girl, I would often dream that I was flying.  If you yourself have ever dreamt of flying, and it was pleasant, you understand the euphoric feeling when you first awaken, and you almost, for just a moment, believe it to be.  Of course if you are FALLING, rather than flying free, it doesn't have the same effect.  But falling is another entry... 

Last night was the first flying dream I've had in quite a while.  My dreams are usually pleasant, but ever since my girls and I were in a roll over accident a couple years ago, I have weekly recurring dreams of very vivid and violent crashes.  So last night was a welcome change.  I was flying overhead, (yet not TOO high, thank you, as I'm quite terrified of heights) in a simple state of peace and joy. Pure contentment.  I could feel the air, thick and strong underneath, carrying me... my arms were outstretched and the wind was blowing my hair wildly.  I had faith that I would not fall, and seemed quite overwhelmed with acceptance and appreciation as to where I was going.  When I awoke, I knew I could fly.  Sounds crazy, but without a doubt, it helped me to understand.  I understood that in the grand scheme of things, it will be alright.  That I can get through this "moment" because there is a wonderful something waiting for me when it's over.  A gift, of sorts, when the flight of life, this short, short journey (another "time" reference) of life, is through.  When we find our way home, at last we will have our reasons.  We will have our understandings of all the "why's" and "how's" that we don't understand now. 

And that's my take on the "flying" dream.

For now, I'll simply float beside you ~ and wait.


Sunday, May 21, 2006

The Power of Small Voices


It had started out as a beautiful day, with the sun shining incredibly bright through my bedroom window, calling me from a deep, dreamy sleep... There was much to be done, and it was energizing to see the sunshine again for the first morning in weeks. 

Every year our church's junior choir director takes her young voices to a festival in Vermont.  Amanda is in the choir and Mailee is anxiously waiting for next year when she is old enough to join.  My Cherub choir is too EASY for her, she declares.  The festival was today and it was amazing.  Six different choirs from around New England grouped together to engage us in an hour of power.  The power of many little voices singing gentle songs about love, nature (one was about a tree, and I actually choked up!), and of course God's will in our lives.  There is no other sound like the soft, heartfelt voices of children blending together to create magic in the air.  It was a beautiful event, loved by all...

The pictures I posted are of some Vermont scenery... Amanda insisited on capturing the mountains and clouds as the sun (did I say there was SUN??)  slowly drifted out of sight, allowing the sky to darken and grey... rain soon followed and continued throughout the day until the concert began.  The warm glow of the evening sun, setting through the windows as they sang their angel songs was simply perfect.  There is also a picture of only part of the choir while they practiced... we were not allowed to photograph during the concert until the end when they performed one last hymn.  At that point I video taped without thinking ~ I would have loved to have shared with you a picture of how great in size this group was.  You could then imagine what their voices must have sound like.  It reminded me of "The Sound of Music" movie!

Hopeyou all had a safe and relaxing weekend!


Saturday, May 20, 2006

Weekend Mutterings...

First of all, I must say a huge "THANK YOU!" to Cyndy for believing my journal to be feature-worthy material!!  I'm looking forward to linking with some other journalers and non journalers and creating new friendships.  I've been blessed with some truly caring individuals in this Jworld and I am forever grateful!  If you are here for the first time...


I've been spending much of my morning doing some major hauling out.  The condominium association has decided to do some major work installing some kind of new water pumping system (it made me dizzy just reading about it, to explain it would give me a migrane) so we have to move all our basement furniture six feet away from the back wall so they can pound out the bottom half of the wall.  My daughter's bedroom is down there, so this is a huge interuption for her, but it's manageable.  The problem is now to move some of the furniture out of the way, I have to clean out the storage area where my laundry room is on the other side of the basement... ohmagosh.  What a MESS.  The only good part about this is that once it's done I will be so happy to have it looking better down in that area.  It really needs some work, and I might actually like doing laundry down there if the atmosphere was a bit more relaxing and not such an eyesore. 

Well, I went back to work yesterday after being out 3 days this week.  I thought for sure that I was in trouble or had missed something major when our principal called me in to her office first thing in the morning. 

It seems that there are some changes coming up for next year.  A new position has been offered to me.  I have worked one on one with students for 7 years, and this would be taking me to a new level.  I've been asked to partner teach with a third grade teacher.  I have the weekend to decide, and I'm thinking that yes, it would be a good experience for me, if anything.  I wouldn't say that this particular teacher is a perfect match for me.  She is not the warm-fuzzy type, which I am.  She is a bit abrupt in her manner, which I will surely have to work on not taking personally.  (Something I'm not very good at.. I take EVERYTHING personally!)  What I'm thinking is that I could sure add some positives to the classroom.  I've been in a second grade classroom for the mornings this year, and I will know most of the kids very well.  I'm fun loving in a classroom enviornment and I think I could provide a bit of "warmth" to the atmosphere.  It will be very different for me, as I am always SO focused on my one on ones that being part of a whole instead of a piece will surely add something good to my work day.  I will have a different type of responsibility.  I will be doing more group teaching, which is always fun.  I'm quite sure I'm going to take this position for next year.  Looking forward to it, actually.

So this is more of a personal entry... If you visit often, you'll find a mix of writings here.  A little poetry sometimes, a personal story, or a reflection such as the last entry on TIME.  I may vent.  I may celebrate.  I may simple be. 

Thanks for stopping by and all your great comments!!



Thursday, May 18, 2006

Well It's About Time...

One person's moment is another person's lifetime...

Take that single most exciting moment of your day, or week, or whatever it may be.  It can be as simple as a child's laugh, or as momentous as your first kiss (or even better!).  Usually, these happy moments come and go so quickly that we haven't even a chance to fully enjoy them. 

At that same moment, a child is abused.

A new bride has just learned she has cancer.

A freak accident takes the life of someone's best friend.

Or you're wide awake at 3:00 am and the clock just ticks on and on and on....

Isn't it interesting how life's precious moments seem to slip by so quickly, often times even barely noticed.  While the sadness and sorrows in life, which fall upon all of us, makes time seem to stand still? 

There isn't enough time in the day, I might say to you ~ with my busy comings and goings.  Monday morning (especially if the day starts out a bit edgy) I might think, oh, Friday is sooo far away.  And then before I know it, it's the weekend and my days have come and gone.  Where did they go?  What do I remember about the week?  What little piece of magic did I miss in the hustle and bustle of living?  Was it a smile?  Was it a bloom, hiding quietly on the hill, just waiting for someone to notice?  Was it a chance left unnoticed?

When I think about my growing up years, I try so hard to remember little details about where I played and what kind of fun we had in the neighborhood.  I recall many mishaps and times of sadness at getting in trouble, or being teased.  I want my children to notice and remember those fleeting moments of joy... the kind that make time fly, you know, when we're having fun.  Heck, I WANT TO NOTICE!  So often I'm preoccupied with all the to dos in the day.  I've been a bit homebound the last few days as I've been battling Bronchitis.  This is such a trivial thing... just a bug that I'm going to get over like, tomorrow!  I am so blessed to be alive and healthy and able to walk out my door and SEE and HEAR and FEEL all of the "moments" in time that will occur in a day, or week, or what have you.

And guess what....


So let's make those moments last, shall we?  Live life to the fullest.  I'm slowly learning.  It takes some practice and getting used to, but God willing, I'll get there.  Care to join me?


Tuesday, May 16, 2006


This entry is for a friend.  Angie, (aka hillareeday) has embarked on an adventure!!  She is also fellow educator (3rd grade teacher) and my very first online friend from way back when I first started reading journals.  She is upbeat, fun and enthusiastic about this business she is starting as a consultant for BeautiControl.  Just this week, Angie mailed me samples of some of her products, and I see a huge difference already in my skin.  My hands (which are always dry, even though I put lotion on them almost every day) are SO soft after using these products!  The scents are yummy (and don't we all want to be yummy?) and a little goes such a long way!!  A dab'll do ya!!

So check her out, at her own personal journal >>    and enjoy learning more about her products at her new journal promoting them at:  SkinLogics 

I hope these links work, because I'm still learning about them and have NO IDEA what I'm doing (sorry ANG!!)


Monday, May 15, 2006

A Survey ~ Just Because...

So it's survey time just because I need to do something fun...  I've done one like this before, but it's changed a little.  So here goes:

1. WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR KITCHEN PLATES?  Off white with gold trim/design
2. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? Vanishing Acts by Jodi Picoult (of course)
3. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?  Scooby doo, soon to be replaced with daughter's softball picture

4. FAVORITE BOARD Game?  Scene it!
5. LEAST FAVORITE SMELL?  Something rotten... ew
UP IN THE MORNING?  Just a little longer... (sleep, I mean...)
7. FAVORITE COLOR?  PURPLE and THIS GREEN (I have this color eyes so I wear it often to bring out the green)

8. LEAST FAVORITE COLOR?  Brown (no offense, I DO like brown eyes!)

10. FUTURE CHILD'S NAME?  My children are Amanda and Mailee...



13. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL?  no, I sleep with a real one!


15. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CAR?   My parents bought me a 1985 Renault Alliance for graduation.

16. WHAT IS YOUR SIGN?  Scorpio (on cusp of Sagittarius)


18. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB, WHAT WOULD IT BE?  A country music singer

19. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY COLOR HAIR?  Wish my mouse blond hair was really blond

20. IS THE GLASS HALF FULL, OR HALF EMPTY?  Depends on the day...

21. FAVORITE MOVIE?  On Golden Pond

23. WHAT'S UNDER YOURBED?  Dust and my high school year books


25. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?  Ice Skating, gymnastics

29. KETCHUP OR MUSTARD?  Ketchup and mayo
31. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON?  Spring, but I love them all

33. WHAT SCREEN SAVER IS ON YOUR COMPUTER RIGHT NOW?  A silly message my daughter wrote... it says, "AHHHH here I gooooo!!!" and it's spinning around.

34. FAVORITE FAST FOOD?  DeAngelos  lobster bisque (this counts, right?)

35. YOUR FULL Name ?  Michelle Marie ---

"and the rain, rain, rain came down, down, down.."

First of all, thank you to all of you who sent emails my way regarding the current flooding situations in NH.  It's really a mess and the governor has declared a state of emergency.  Thank God, we are not in an area that is underwater (at the moment!) but many in surrounding towns are.  It was still coming down pretty hard this morning, but right now the sun is straining to reach us through the clouds and the birds are singing.  It doesn't appear that this quiet in the storm will last for very long, though.  They are forcasting rain all stinkin' week.  I was so thankful to finally here from mom yesterday, knowing that her trip home from my grandfather's was going to be rather tricky.  They were awakened by firefighters at 5am to evacuate, as the dam was being watched closely and may be close to giving out.  The roads were completely flooded and she took gramps around the back ways to a friends.  Knowing she had to leave if she planned on being home any day soon, she left and what would have taken her 2 hours normally ended up taking 4!  I underestimate her sometimes.  For someone who refuses to dunk her head in water, she really dug in and went for it.  She drove through 2 feet of water that many drivers refused to pass!!  Don't worry, she heard it from me... I was not impressed.  Although, I was so very grateful to get the call that she was home.  When she reached our locally worse hit area, my dad was sitting by the road waiting for her to come by and he had her follow him through the woods on his 4 wheeler trail!  Those roads are still closed and so are the schools. 

Anyway, all is well... counting blessings, that's for sure.

I have more to write ~ need to get some things off my chest, but this isn't the entry for it.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Mothers and Memories

Rain, rain, and more rain... and it won't be letting up anytime soon.  We just got home a short while ago from visiting Gramps again.  Nana was finally laid to rest a couple weeks ago, and mom was appreciating that we all (the girls and I) planned to be there for Mother's Day weekend to bring flowers to the cemetery.  We had to make it a day trip.  My little Cherubs are singing next Sunday in church, so I have tomorrow to get them ready. 

We spent the rainy day driving mostly, but while we were there, we all did some major reminiscing.  Talk is good.  Pictures are harder.  For me anyway.  Even mom likes looking at pictures, but for me ~ it brings an instant welling up in my throat.  I am so fortunate to have been born into such a loving, close-nit family.  Of course, there are some family members who do not value such a blessing, but that's their loss...

So, thinking of my mom, I will share this... she is so, so special.  Not only to me, but to so many people.  I think of how much pain is in the world and shudder to imagine that kind of up bringing.  I don't think my mom ever spanked me.  I do recall a threat or two, but it never amounted to anything.  I'll share something else, too.  I wet the bed every night until I was 9 or 10.  She NEVER ONCE got angry... she would either say nothing, and throw the bedding in the wash or simply say,"it's okay" and that would be it.  She read me stories every night, and even read aloud to me as I got older and would be behind in a book project in school.  She sang, "You Are My Sunshine"... I also suffered from night terrors and she was always there, sometimes even allowed me to sleep on the floor in their room.  She played games with me, played outside with me, and spoiled me rotten. 

As I got older, my father and I butted heads on pretty much a daily basis.  To this day, we have to be careful in conversation because a simple sentence can bring out a HUGE argument.  Mom, bless her, is so good at walking away.  I, on the other hand, have always been as stubborn as him and as outspoken.  Being a teen SUCKED for me, and while dad tried to "change" me and fight me into being "good", mom would always be there as a support system, encouraging me and always saying that in the end, if I was happy, that's all that mattered.  I was unhappy most of the time back then, but just knowing how much she loved me (even when I thought I loved no one) kept me from doing some pretty awful things.  She would even encourage my "small town, big fashion" statements and REALLY piss my father off!!  When all was going crazy, she would find a way to make me feel alright again.  She still does to this day.  When I became pregnant with my first daughter, I was 24, unmarried, waitressing and unsure of the future with Mr B, and she was beside me all the way.  Sure she was disappointed maybe, she wanted me to have it all, of course, but she knew I would be alright and take care of my baby.  When we got married, she knew what was going on in my mind, and she was always saying that no matter what that she loved me and would always be there for me.

And I will always be there for you, mom... I know you are  missing your mom today, tomorrow, and always.  Someday, we will all dance together in the light of heaven's stars.  WHAT FUN WE WILL HAVE!!

Happy Mother's Day to all of you moms out there.... make it your day!  ENJOY!!

Thursday, May 11, 2006

One Foot In Front of the Other

I wasn't even going to go, at first.  I mean, really.... take an evening and do something for myself?!  UNHEARD OF!!  I am so engulfed in the "mommy mode" that even though M was off from work for his four short days this week and offered to do all the picking up and dropping off for me, I kept thinking about the two loads of laundry downstairs that needed folding.  Once that was folded, I felt like if I left, I was abandoning them to go off on my own for an hour or so and it just didn't seem right.   If it was to go grocery shopping, that would be one thing.  But meeting my favorite author and listening to her read from her new book over TEA was entirely another. 

Then I became angry.  I had planned to leave at 6pm, and as it came and went, I was just moping around ~ finding things to clean and looking pitiful.  How could I not go?  Sure, I could go see her some other time...she'd be back for her next book due out in March 2007.  She lives 10 minutes from here, I could run into her down at Mack's if I was lucky enough.  Still, what was nagging me most was WHY??  Why could I not let this happen?  Why couldn't I just walk out the freakin' door?  Why do I feel so guilty for allowing myself this small pleasure of meeting my favorite author?  I'm on my sixth Jodi book, Vanishing Acts, and it's so GOOD!!  I want to have conversations with this amazingly gifted woman!

So, out of the blue, I picked up the piles of clothes I had half folded, cast them aside, and GOT UP.  I announced to them, "IM GOING" made sure my husband knew what time to pick up A from choir, and headed out the door!!  I got in the car, turned of Disney Mania and blared Bob Country.  I turned off the cell and opened the window.  Can ya believe it?

I had so much fun!  Jodi was awesome, of course, and read a spine-tingling excerpt from The Tenth Circle, leaving us wanting more and of course I purchased it so that she could sign it.  I won a t-shirt for answering a question in a Jodi quiz!  I asked her questions and she is as engaging in person as she is in her words and gripping storylines. 

I just had to write about it, and give a big THANKS to my mom (even though she doesn't read this!)  my best friend who KNOWS me like no other and called to insist that I go.  I've been pretty negative in here lately and I'm happy to lighten things up and share something positive with you.  It's not a huge moment, but a small, simply happy one...