Sunday, October 16, 2005



Hearing whispers in the dark

    It doesn't seem to be

A pleasant sound when alone

The world keeps spinning

   The sun rises, shining

        In my window


So do you hear me when

   I scream when I can't

see the light through the blinds?

Do you feel my heart beating

      against your skin

as you sleep do you dream?

         are you alone?


                                           Not having the best of days today.


I feel so ashamed when I am down.  There are so many people, thousands, that are truly in pain.  Pain from suffering.  Pain from loss.

I usually am very good at counting my blessings.  Today just doesn't happen to be a day for numbers. 

 I'm sorry for not being grateful today, but I just can't turn off the tightening in my chest.  I keep looking at the walls.  These damn blasted white walls that we aren't allowed to paint any other color.  Thank goodness the girls are busy with their friends.  I would be truly embarrassed.  I try SO HARD to always be positive with them.  To always look on the bright side of things.  Yet, I know they feel it too.  Maybe that's what is causing the emotional outbursts.  When I am trying with all my might to do fun things and be happy and laugh, do they stomp on that just to say, "MOM, Duh..."  Do they know how alone I feel?  Do they feel that way as well?   God, dear God, I hope not. 

I'm sorry that I am feeling this way....I fear that if I open that blockage to my soul and allow myself to feel that I will lose what I do have.  I feel as though I must block it out to keep things going throughout the day to day...When I feel like shit and then 2 hours later I am smiling and sipping tea while I fold the laundry, is it because I really feel well again, or is my mind playing tricks on me?  Blocking it out again so I can go on with the day.....?  Getting so busy being alone that I forget to feel.

And yet if I truly were all alone, it would be 10 times harder....

Well, maybe my next entry will be more upbeat.  I just needed to do this today.











hillareeday said...

I am sorry you are feeling alone and sad today! Don't feel bad about it, this is your place to vent. If you can, try to let it out here. I know it is hard. I change all names and places in my journal, yet I don't air the dirty laundry even then!
Don't beat yourself up. You do count your blessings and are grateful for the things in your life. It is only fair for you to get down every now and then!
Take care!

barbpinion said...

Honey, why not empty it all out here, or if you prefer not, write to me. I am a good listener, don't judge anybody and know how it is to feel like you're feeling right now.  It's one of life's low moments, I know, and it stinks! They find me too, every once in awhile.  You ARE a positive person, just not all the time. I'm not either. lol, though I work hard at it. It's a choice we make. What we take into our minds is what flows into our life. Love you exactly the way you are. Other readers do too.
Big hugs.

gdireneoe said...

Hugs upon hugs for you hon'...hugs upon hugs.  I am generally one who has to take things out and examine them...for exactly this that you say here.  Something needs to come up and out hon' will just continue to unravel you tear by tear until you look at it.  I am not always able to solve my problems...but taking them out and trying helps...sometimes THAT is the answer. ;)  C.

justaname4me2 said...

I say, you have no need to feel ashamed.
I believe, you should not apologize.
I think you stand in a feeling we all have and I'd rather it's all right to be honest and write it to the world or keep it to ourselves and not feel bad about it. I think, only through downs can we really enjoy the up's. Without one, there cannot be another.
I want, to let you know I'm thinking about you and if there is anything I can do, I'm a word away. Words, the good, the wonderful, the sad, and bad, are always welcome in my world.

Hugs to you friend and thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.

cdittric77 said...

I know just what you're saying. In fact, I wrote almost the same things in my paper journal today. It's not a shame to feel those's an awakening in us to know where we are and how we feel. It's a signpost on the way to being well.
Peace and love,

cdittric77 said...

You are never alone. We are all here to help you carry your cross. Courage is looking that solitude in the face, the fear you feel about it, and handing it over to those of us who care - and to God. He can carry all things, and right now, he's carrying you in the palm of his hand.
With peace and love,