Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Change

The changing of a season always brings about a certain degree of thoughtfulness and reflection for me.  I am not always comfortable with change, because it often means that something must inevitably end in order for something to begin anew. 

But there are times, when change is a blessing.  And I'm also learning, that there ARE those rare occasions when something doesn't necessarily have to end, but instead, develops into something even more meaningful than we had anticipated or even dared hope.

The summer months brought many challenges.  But with the help of family and friends, I have faced those challenges head on and seen what the strength of love can do.  I have many to thank, and some of you are at the top of that list and hopefully, know who you are. 

The weather in NH has been absolutely perfect for days upon days.  A new school year has begun, and I adore my class and look forward to all that lies ahead in the next few months.  My daughters have begun their own school year with a great amount of enthusiasm, and that my oldest is now a freshman in high school simply blows my mind.  I am surrounded by people who love me and care for me and want the best for me.  What a feeling.....

But, there is something, that I've been struggling over whether or not to share for a while now.  I have been writing in this journal for over three years, and have shared many ups and downs and found strength and kindness and understanding in the hearts of many.  There are times, though, when I do settle into a quieter world.  I hate the thought of someone judging me, for what I write or choose to share ~ but then, this is my journal, and I've always been driven to write for and about myself, with the hope that others might also relate, and I have found this to be the case on more than one occasion.  Most of the time, I wear my heart on my sleeve, only to whip it away from public view without a second to spare for reasons I cannot quite explain. 

I love to write.  It's no secret.  It's therapeutic and helpful (to me) on many levels and for many different reasons, depending on the situation. 

And so here I go, beating around the bush again....

I am facing a bit of fear. 

A woman knows.  When something isn't right...  Whether bodily or mentally, that basic human instinct kicks right the heck in.  While I cannot say for sure, if it is something serious or not, I will confide in you all that my heart tells me it isn't.  But I am not hesitating in the least, to make sure that what needs to be done is DONE ~ and done right.  It's hard to wait.  It's hard not really "knowing". 

I want to write about this because like I said, it's my journal and this is something that I am going through right now and would like to have some place of reference to look back on later, just as I do with my older entries that revolve around the other events that have molded and continue to shape my life. 

I will have to elaborate further, in a future entry, because my time online is limited these days, and I have to scurry on out the door in a few minutes.  But what I want to say, more than anything else right now, is how happy I've become and how much more I appreciate things lately.  Let me also say, that as this point, NOTHING IS WRONG, and it's simply waiting for the confirmation day to come. 

I made my journal private, for a time, and some of you noticed and responded with concern, and for that I am truly grateful.  For those of you who quietly respected my decision and kept me in your thoughts, I am as equally indebted.  It's good to be back.  My heart is in these pages.  There is no need to hide from anyone ~ especially myself.  Thank you, friends.

And Love knows no boundaries.

Welcome, gentle autumn.

 

13 comments:

helmswondermom said...

Whatever it is that you're going through and waiting on, my thoughts and well-wishes are with you.  If you do decide you need to go private or even to have a separate journal that is private, I can certainly understand that.  In the meantime, if you choose to honor us with your confidence, then we'll be here for you!  Glad school is going well, and I hope that good weather continues.
Lori

gdireneoe said...

((((((((((((Chelle)))))))))))))  It seems we are walking next to each other, m'dear.  While I didn't go private, I DID clam up.  I'm sorry, I wasn't aware that you'd gone private.  I've had to turn my alerts off for now, for several reasons.

Thank you SO MUCH...for letting me know there's someone else (a woman) who's traveling a very similar path, with very similar growth.  You're a delight and a precious woman, Ms. Chelle...(so am I!...hehehe...). ;)  C.

rap4143 said...

Chelle,  

I had no idea there was something wrong.....please write me!!!

Love you,
Betty

barbpinion said...

Hi honey. It is so terrific to see an entry from you. I miss you when your don't write, but understand because I too, at times, need my private space. Solitude and silence enable me to hear the more clearly those things God wants to tell me.
Regarding this fear you speak of. You are right, though I pray you are not. Women do know. It is wise to make sure, to wait, as you say. Too often impulsive actions get us into trouble. You take care. I am but an email away, any time, though I am on the computer less these days.
Much love, dear one.
Barb- http://journals.aol.com/barbpinion/HEYLETSTALK

mariebm56 said...

OK, Chelle, when you are ready.....we're here~
I have been out of the loop the past 2 months, I've been back & Forth on LI with no internet, so I had no idea....I turned off my alerts.
I hope you fill us all in ASAP...Ü
{{{{HUGS}}}
Marie

nightmaremom said...

Chelle... it's great to see an entry and I have wondered about you...  like so many we all need time away and I haven't been myself with posting either...   I do hope things work out the way you want and plan and look forward to seeing more of you.
hugs
d

rdautumnsage said...

Michelle (((Hugs))) Welcome gentle Autumn indeed. I wasn't commenting a bit myself and had not noticed you went private. Fortunately your back with us now and I believe you know without a doubt if I had thought something was wrong I would of been pestering you. One of the things you said here is this is your journal, your heart is in these pages and there was no need to hide from yourself....my dearest friend those words are true in more ways than you know. I've had that feeling lately of wanting to hide from the world with my deafness...and then friends gently reminded me, I matter....I hope you know without a doubt you matter to me too. Whenever your ready to reveal what the next chapter of your life holds for you, I'll be here patiently listening....(Hugs)Indigo

dwhee70041 said...

Chelle,
Thanks for your missive.  It's good to hear from you again.
David

grofsand said...

Whereever you go , you are not alone. Our thoughts and prayers accompany you like your shadow!

Peace and Blessings....Marc :)

bgilmore725 said...

I am glad your school year has gotten off to a good start... change is inevitable. I've been trying to find a quote that I printed out at school for my room that I wanted to keep in front of my eyes and those of the students. I couldn't find it. When I do, I will email it to you. Hope is what keeps us going through the low times in our lives. It sounds like you have that, and the support of family and friends as you go through the difficult times you speak of. I don't want to go private, but at the same time, I don't want to reveal private matters out of respect for family and friends. I think a journal is a good place to work through the chaos and the tumult of our lives. Whatever the fear is, remember the source of your Faith... Do not be afraid, for God is with you always. Be well, be at peace. I will pray for your peace and well-being. bea

onemoretina said...

Thanks for the heads up on your journal.  Hope to hear that all is well.  Will 'say a little prayer for you.'   I have had my own issues which have kept me away for more than a year, and I am hoping to see them resolved soon, and get back to the journaling community.  Glad to see that you are here and writing.  Take care,  Tina

bobbysgirl8584 said...

I have not been around for months myself; so busy all of the time. I hope everything is ok...please let me know what is going on when you have a moment.
sending some prayers your way!!!!!!
Maria

siennastarr said...

I've been on vacation since the 2nd, and just returned home on the 11th.  I didn't know that you had gone private, until I received the email you sent out.  I would have and do respect your wishes, whichever way you decide to go.. and if you are happy having gone back to public, than so be it! :)

I find myself being more comfortable with change, than ever before.  I try to look at is as an 'adventure.'  One of many that we partake in during this journey called life.  It seems to make it easier.. for me, at least.

Since I'm so behind on your entries, I will now move forward, and see what else you have written!

Love to you
Jackie