Wondering

I'm interested in what compels me to write ~ or not to write. There are times, when something or someone inspires me with their honesty and openness and just the IDEA of sharing my innermost thoughts with the world sounds appealing.

And then there are other times, when the whole idea makes me want to hurl.

I think about the closest of friends I see every day, and how most of them know ME, but do not necessarily know 'things' about me... what's churning inside the heart, mind and soul. Do I know them any better? Would they want me to? We can sit around a table and a meal and talk and laugh and even cry sometimes, with all we do and share. Thoughts and feelings ARE expressed and agreed with or argued over throughout the evening, but when we leave are we any closer to one another than we were the day before?

Most days, I would have to say yes. My friends really HAVE gotten to know me, especially over the last couple years and I appreciate them in ways I can't describe. I've opened up a great deal, and if anyone judges me, they do it gently.... quietly.... allowing me to be me. They understand somehow. As if I don't really NEED to explain or defend myself at all. They allow me to vent, analyze, choose this ~ then that. They watch me walk away and if they're thinking, 'wow, that chick is NUTS...' I will probably never know and they may even ask me over again sometime.

I've considered sharing my journal(s) with them. I've mentioned my online experiences: my writing, photography, etc.. But they really don't know the full extent of what I do here. And lately it hasn't been much.

I wonder what they would ~ and wouldn't ~ say.

But the wondering doesn't last long.