I am truly a woman made up of contradictions. Probably that is why I spend so much of my time being utterly confused. I can be happy as a pig in crap one moment and crying like an infant with a diaper full of it in the very next. I can be driving around, taking in the beautiful holiday scenery, smiling and singing along with the Christmas carols playing on the radio, then sitting at home on a quiet Saturday evening trying to hide my uncontrollable tears while we watch Cindy Lou Who sing,
"Where Are You Christmas" in The Grinch. Good God, where is my head?
I have a terrible habit of expressing myself and then deleting it all. It's not that I don't want to share what is going on in my life with you.... I suppose that's because I have a difficult time accepting the thoughts that come from my heart and my mind, and putting them out there in plain view (even that of my own) is often frightening. Sometimes words can change everything, and not in the way that we would have wished or planned.
I have deleted much of this entry because after seeing the words I had written, I was disgusted to see what little value I place on my life sometimes. Instead of focusing on the good, on all my wonderful blessings, I chose to look at the hardships... It's Christmas time. I should be feeling the glow from within and savoring it's warmth. Some days are just a little harder to feel it than others... I'm only human, after all.
I plan to take the girls to get our tree tomorrow. They're very excited that I've decided to go with a real tree again this year. Perhaps that will help.
In fact, I know it will.
(inspiring words previously posted in January 2006)
Let Life Come...
Let life come to you, the joys and the problems, the victories and the setbacks, the magnificent beauty and the frustrating difficulties. Let life come, take it all in, and make the very most of it. Don't fight it or force it, don't hide from it or run away, let life come as it will. Let life come and experience the rich, unique flavor of every moment. Rather than waiting for things to get better or wishing things had not gone the way they did, let life continue to come and live it as it does. Let life come and learn from it, grow with it, become your best through whatever comes your way. Welcome each new moment and open your eyes to the positive value that it brings. Sometimes that value is obvious, and other times it is hidden, yet always it is there. Let life come, with all its treasures and all its shortcomings.
Let life come, every bit of it, and be truly, gloriously alive...