Thursday, June 21, 2007

Summer 2007

Summer officially begins today, although for me, as school let out this past Monday, it's already begun.  The sky is a robin's egg blue, puffy white clouds float blissfully by, and the sun, warm and welcoming, beckons me out the door.  The girl's dad has picked them up for a few hours of shopping downtown, and while I look forward to some time to myself, lounging by the pool without a care, I felt it necessary to write a bit about all that I have been holding in my heart for the last few months and to share with you my present outlook for the days and weeks that lie ahead.

This year, summer will be very different, and in many different ways. 

I'm finding it very important to maintain a positive attitude, mostly for my girls, but hey, I haven't completely forgotten myself yet, either.  For many years, their happiness measured far more significantly than my own.  I believed that as long as they were happy, I was happy.  End of story, end of struggle.  My need, my want and my happiness was tossed aside ~ by my hands and mine alone.  No one's fault.  No one's responsibility but my own.  No one knew.  Even I was oblivious to it for longer than I care to admit.  When it all came crashing down, I had very little to defend my heart with.

I have cried more tears in the last year than I have most of my adult life.  Allowing myself to feel again, and to recognize what I had been hiding away in a Pandora box for 14 years, was very difficult.  Where would I find the strength to move forward knowing what I now knew?  Where would the courage come from, to tell him?  And then to break it to our children?  Would they hate me?  Would they slip into a depression all their own?  How could I possibly maintain my home and provide for my children on a teacher's aide's measly salary?  What would it feel like, after 14 years of sleeping beside a practical stranger, to completely live without him? 

Many of these questions have been answered in the recent months since our separation.  Moving forward has been like taking a step and then finding myself three steps behind.  The only consolation in that, is that you do in fact find yourself a little further along ~ in time. 

I still have days when I don't know what the hell I'm doing.  I have to force myself to focus on the bigger picture.  The end result.  The only problem with that, it that dreams don't always come true, and what you think and hope the future MIGHT hold, isn't always what comes to be.  Most often isn't, as a matter of fact.  I could very well spend the rest of my short life alone.  And then I have to think really hard about that and answer the tougher question:  is all of this worth that distinct possibility?

I have to believe that it is. 

Quite truthfully, making things work this way has been much easier than I had anticipated.  My girls are doing well, for the most part.  It's the lesser part that concerns me.  The feelings they DON'T share.  The hurt they have to be feeling on the inside is not making itself known.  That does scare me, because it speaks volumes to what I may have in fact taught them by not admitting to my own feelings sooner.  They appear happy.  They do all the normal things kids their age do.  They both had a successful school year (taking out the many illnesses Amanda dealt with that kept her from being in school as much as she should have been which led to missed work and incomplete assignments... but she did well nonetheless).  The both have large handfuls of friends and enjoy spending time with them.  They fight.  With each other and with me.  But moments later will curl up on the couch and snuggle.  Yes, my 13 year old still snuggles.  Won't kiss me anymore though.  I miss that.  But they are doing so much better than I had even prayed they would do.  I just hope that another wall won't come crashing around them as it did me.  BUT, if it does, I will be there within seconds, scurrying about to pick up the pieces.

Their dad has been very decent throughout it all.  We had one very upsetting episode a month ago, but he did call to apologize that night, and ever since it's been just fine.  I struggle with knowing what he must be going through.  That knowledge tears me apart as it sits nagging at my heart, and has even made me consider taking him back.  But after a while, I realize that I wouldn't be taking him back for the right reasons, just as I didn't marry him for the right reasons or stay with him as long as I did for the right reasons.

On Sunday, the girl's bags will be packed and their excitement will be overflowing.  He will be picking them up early in the morning and taking them to the place that holds a very special piece of my heart.  They will be gone for the week.  I will worry.  I will cry.  I will miss them terribly.

But I will survive.

If anything, I have learned this about myself:  I am stronger than I thought I was.  I have more in my heart than I ever allowed myself to believe.  I have a right.  To live.  To love.  And to be loved.

Don't we all?

Hugs and Blessings to you all.  Thank you for your thoughts, encouraging words and friendships as I move forward...  and especially when I fall back.  You are a gift to me.

(thanks to Toni's Tags for the siggy =D  )



lipglosslush7 said...

I was just about to write an entry about it being the first day of Summer today...Somehow i got sidetracked LOL...I'm glad i found your blog! I am really enjoying what you write :)

mariebm56 said...

I totally understand what you are going through, been there & still there in many ways.
Enjoy your time & hopefully you will have time to draw & paint.
(at least make time)

barbpinion said...

Hi honey. This entry made me cry, remembering being there myself, so knowing how much you hurt. I envy you sometimes, for doing what I didn't have the courage to do- what deep in my heart I longed to do. I was so used to putting everybody's happiness above my own that I stayed. It was a good decision- even though it pained me to make it. I've not regretted it. I am so glad to see you move forward through your sadness and deep hurt. i KNOW it isn't easy; that there are times you'd like to undo your decision. But I am confident you will be okay. I'm glad you are recognizing that your children may not be showing their pain. Mine didn't. Like me they hid their feelings. They turned out allright, but did have some difficult moments. I'm sure yours will too. They know they are loved. And that makes all the difference in the world. You are always, always, in my prayers- and in my heart too.
Much love,

littlelady1699 said...

Girl ..I love you. you do need the "myself" time. don't worry put it all in the Lords hands he will always be there for you and see you though this.
you are strong! I sometimes feel I am ready to crumble in a million pieces ..thats when I pray that the lord will give me the engry to do one more day.
If you EVER need to talk, just email me. I'll even give you cell phone # if you want. I think we have A LOT in common!


rdautumnsage said...

" I am stronger than I thought I was.  I have more in my heart than I ever allowed myself to believe.  I have a right.  To live.  To love.  And to be loved.

Don't we all?"

You are indeed stronger than you ever imagined. And yes, you do have a right to live, to love and be loved we all do. It took me 38 years to realize just what that meant. I'm learning though, just as you are. In the midst of whatever our heads tell us, we must always remember to listen to our hearts first and foremost. I think 14 years of putting you on the outside is long enough. You need to start thinking of what YOU want for you. The girls will grow up and have their own lives and dreams. It's never too late or too soon to begin to have your own. Wishing you love and peace always. (Hugs) Indigo

queeniemart said...

i have had others tell me that since i am so closed off that will carry to my kids and i did them a disservice by not expressing my feelings when i should have. Since Meg is 18 and keeps all her feelings hid maybe that person is right. I believe in time you will find what you have done was the BEST thing and the RIGHT thing to do. We only have one life to live and to live it by baring living, well, you deserve so much more than that. The journey you are on will change you and make you such a happier person. I am sure your girls will cope and do well and they will even get their mom back......a mom who smiles and has peace inside of her. Love,lisa

radar446 said...

Its nice to hear an update.  I knew that once the initial shock of everything wore off, things would slowly get better than they had been.  I"m glad things are working out.  The kids will deal with things in their own way in their own time.  Just be there for them as those feelings develop and surface.


bobbysgirl8584 said...

Hi Michelle: I am glad to hear from you; it sounds like you are doing well and staying strong! Keeping you in my thoughts.

helmswondermom said...

Stay strong!

nhd106 said...

What a beautiful entry, Michelle.  You are so insightful and smart and brave and honest.    I admire you so....
And yes, you will be'll be more than ok.   You'll be happy.

stupidsheetguy said...

Hi there.
Having been where you are, I want to tell you that you're doing all the right things. You're taking care of you, and you're taking care of the girls. But it's probably teaching the young ladies a valuable lesson at the same time, and that's making them aware that people don't stop having needs just because they become parents. I bet they are stepping up to the plate where you are concerned. It was remarkable to see the change in my own kids, how the relationship blossomed, rather than shrunk, when I left their home. They were free of the stress that living with unhappy parents can bring, even though I thought the Ex and I had done a great job of managing things. The relief has allowed them to flourish.
But, on another note, it's not going to be all blue skies from here on in, as you obviously have learned. Just know that those moments of sadness, pain and sorrow are every bit as normal as every other moment. I had the "vacation" moment myself, recently. Just know it's ok to cry, and feel sad. Your marriage had some moments of happiness, and it's ok to miss those moments. Crying is not a sign of any weakness, it's a demonstration of compassion, of feelings, of being human. You're a very strong, sensible, admirable woman, and your life is yours now, to do with as you will.

My final words of wisdom, lol: make time to treat yourself. Find somewhere to be pampered, and treated nicely, a spa, salon, somewhere to go to remind yourself that you are, above all else, a woman. It's nice to take a break like that, and you deserve it.

In the meantime, I'll go work on my comment-shortening skills. :)

littlelady1699 said...


The following is what I wrote for you back when you first posted this post. But I did not know if I should let you see it.

but for some reason I will let you see it now. God bless you gal! you are loved!


I close my eyes
when did the looks of love fade from your face?
when did the warmth turn cool?
I still love you but the heart says it is not returned
I still want to try but I meet a wall of stone.

I close my eyes
That's when The tears of love fall
That's when I hide my heart from others
For what would they say?
that I am to blame?
That they did not know or understand?

I close my eyes
and wipe away the truth
and wipe away the tears
and hope no one sees what is real.

I close my eyes
and pray that God will change you
But sometimes think that
even He can't
chase the evil away from you.

I close my eyes ...
the tears of love fall away.