Saturday, July 14, 2007

Odds and Ends

I think I'll be changing the name of my award to "Draggin' Girl Blogger..." 

Seems life just doesn't present me with the inspiration to put thoughts and heart into writing these days...  It isn't that there is too little to write about.  Honestly, I could fill a book.  Some things are just easier to share than others.  I know, I have a private journal that is yellowing as we speak, and I could easily vent away in there to my hearts content, and I should probably do so more often than I do.  There's just something to be said, about writing and sharing your life with whoever happens to stumble upon these pages, and to hear a kind word in response to something I've shared.  Maybe you've been in my shoes.  Maybe you have similar memories to share.  Perhaps you are simply jogging by on your way to another friends place and decided to pop in and have a cup of tea!  Truly, it is so uplifting, to know there are many who truly do care.  Complete "strangers", who find their way into your heart, if not "physically" than most certainly mentally and spiritually.

Thank you.

Everyone has struggle.  Don't we?  Some are much deeper and much more painful than others.  I certainly don't pretend that my life sucks when standing next to someone who is REALLY going through hell.  As a matter of fact, my life is very good.  I have my health.  My children have their health.  We have love all around us, in my parents and in friends who care for us and about us.  We still have a roof over our heads, and I have yet to be late with a utility or car payment since he's left...  Something that I was very fearful of.  I still am.  I've been overspending my summer pay terribly.  I've wanted to show the girls that they can still do the things that they always did.  Movies, shopping, dining out, trips, etc...  It's just not true.  I'm working in bits and pieces, but I just cannot provide for them the way I would like.  The way they deserve. 

The girls and I were playing a game in the pool at the complex where we live...  My oldest was taking over things and being a bit "snotty", so I said to her a little sarcastically, "Yes, you just have it all together now, don'tcha?"  She turned around and spat at me, "YEAH, unlike YOU."  Stone cold faced.  I felt as if my own had been slapped.  It wasn't about the game.  At least, not in my own mind.

When I first found out that my husband had cheated on me (we weren't married at the time, but I was holding our two week old daughter in my arms as I walked in on them), I knew that I was disappointing her.  Letting her down.  That our life, our family, would be unstable.  I BEGGED God, to guide me and give me the strength to know what to do. 

Do you know, how loudly He spoke?  How my heart was pounding in my head as He handed me that engagement ring almost a year later.  So loudly, I could not hear His words, and I made the choice.... To try. 

And try I did, for 14 years...  Even had another, beautiful baby...  a BLESSING.  Oh, how I wanted to make our family work.  To fall in love with him, and to feel his love for me in my heart.

Then, it slowly dawned on me.

14 years is an awfully long time, to still carry such a hope....  Talk about a slap in the face. 

I know my choice has been made now... Five months later.  Still, it's sad to me ~ the end of this.  And scary ~ the beginning of that.  The beginning of the rest of my life.

Damn.. I wasn't even going to talk about the divorce when I started this entry!  And now I have to pick up my daughter from a church gathering!  ::exasperated sigh::

Maybe I'll be back later to catch you up on what we've really been up to this summer! 

Love and Hugs~

8 comments:

nhd106 said...

Oh Michelle,
This enty is beyond touching...it's raw and beautiful and honest.   (Plus, it's incredibly well written).  I admire  you in so many ways.  

My wish for you is that you learn to feel that same admiration for yourself.

Love,
Nancy

fasttrack58 said...

You should be very proud that you tried to make it work after what he did and then had the courage to know what was best for you and know also that it takes two years to get over a relationship even if you were the one who left....
Have a blessed Sunday!
Linda :)

queeniemart said...

you needed to say these things and i am glad you did....i truly care about you....you are GOLDEN from the inside out....you are gorgeous on the outside and a WONDERFUL lady on the inside. I am so glad i know you as i do.
You gave 14 yrs and so much hope to a marriage that did not work but that is not your fault and i know how it hurts when your teen says things that cut you to the quick. Do not blame yourself.
love you,
lisa jo

helmswondermom said...

Sometimes we write what we really need to say, whether we plan to or not.  Take care!
Lori

sunnyside46 said...

it sounds as though you have traveled a long hard road.
sometimes it helps to admit it just sucks, ya know....
Kids can be cruel
It has more to do with her than with you.
as kids get older, sometimes they just try out their power to hurt the parents they used to think were invincible ...a rite of passage...it would happen no matter what you did or didn't do.
hope that thought helps a little
Marti
http://journals.aol.com/sunnyside46/MidlifeMusings

radar446 said...

There will come a time when your inspiration...your muse will return.  Until then don't force it.  You will wake up one day and be so full of ideas and thoughts and will want to share them all.

Greg

siennastarr said...

Michelle.. bless your heart.. starting over is not easy.  Divorce is not easy.. on you or your kids.  You try so hard, and then all of a sudden, right when you feel you are doing your best and things are looking up a bit.. your child says something that knocks you back about 50 feet.  
It is hard to spill it all on these pages.  Sometimes we have so much inside to say, but know how or if we should vent it all.  I know that I do that all the time.  I have so much to say, that it all gets bunched up into one big mess, and then I just don't say anything at all.  Did that make one iota of sense?
You in my prayers, sweetie....  Hang in there and be the strong woman that I know you are!  You will get through this, and be stronger for it.  

Hugs and love
jackie

nay0114 said...

I'm new to your journal, but I know what you mean about divorce. I'm going through one right now after a 23yr marriage and three kids. I do feel blessed that two of my children are young adults now and the last just turned 17 when this happened. I know what you mean about feeling like you let them down on the happy family. My husband and I separated a year and a half ago and I went through hell and back. I grieved like he died and felt like I had crashed into a brick wall. It takes time, I am so much better now. Not completely healed, but I know I'm getting to that point. It will happen for you too. Everyone tells me to give myself 2 to 3yrs to heal. I believe that it will take every bit of that time.
Take care, Chrissie