I think I'll be changing the name of my award to "Draggin' Girl Blogger..."
Seems life just doesn't present me with the inspiration to put thoughts and heart into writing these days... It isn't that there is too little to write about. Honestly, I could fill a book. Some things are just easier to share than others. I know, I have a private journal that is yellowing as we speak, and I could easily vent away in there to my hearts content, and I should probably do so more often than I do. There's just something to be said, about writing and sharing your life with whoever happens to stumble upon these pages, and to hear a kind word in response to something I've shared. Maybe you've been in my shoes. Maybe you have similar memories to share. Perhaps you are simply jogging by on your way to another friends place and decided to pop in and have a cup of tea! Truly, it is so uplifting, to know there are many who truly do care. Complete "strangers", who find their way into your heart, if not "physically" than most certainly mentally and spiritually.
Everyone has struggle. Don't we? Some are much deeper and much more painful than others. I certainly don't pretend that my life sucks when standing next to someone who is REALLY going through hell. As a matter of fact, my life is very good. I have my health. My children have their health. We have love all around us, in my parents and in friends who care for us and about us. We still have a roof over our heads, and I have yet to be late with a utility or car payment since he's left... Something that I was very fearful of. I still am. I've been overspending my summer pay terribly. I've wanted to show the girls that they can still do the things that they always did. Movies, shopping, dining out, trips, etc... It's just not true. I'm working in bits and pieces, but I just cannot provide for them the way I would like. The way they deserve.
The girls and I were playing a game in the pool at the complex where we live... My oldest was taking over things and being a bit "snotty", so I said to her a little sarcastically, "Yes, you just have it all together now, don'tcha?" She turned around and spat at me, "YEAH, unlike YOU." Stone cold faced. I felt as if my own had been slapped. It wasn't about the game. At least, not in my own mind.
When I first found out that my husband had cheated on me (we weren't married at the time, but I was holding our two week old daughter in my arms as I walked in on them), I knew that I was disappointing her. Letting her down. That our life, our family, would be unstable. I BEGGED God, to guide me and give me the strength to know what to do.
Do you know, how loudly He spoke? How my heart was pounding in my head as He handed me that engagement ring almost a year later. So loudly, I could not hear His words, and I made the choice.... To try.
And try I did, for 14 years... Even had another, beautiful baby... a BLESSING. Oh, how I wanted to make our family work. To fall in love with him, and to feel his love for me in my heart.
Then, it slowly dawned on me.
14 years is an awfully long time, to still carry such a hope.... Talk about a slap in the face.
I know my choice has been made now... Five months later. Still, it's sad to me ~ the end of this. And scary ~ the beginning of that. The beginning of the rest of my life.
Damn.. I wasn't even going to talk about the divorce when I started this entry! And now I have to pick up my daughter from a church gathering! ::exasperated sigh::
Maybe I'll be back later to catch you up on what we've really been up to this summer!
Love and Hugs~