The Plan

I've decided to go back to school.

Well, not 'back' exactly.... I never went in the first place. Graduating high school with my class in 1988 was nothing short of a miracle, and even though I was accepted at a Fine Arts college in Miami, FL (another miracle), I was sure I'd fail and disappoint my parents. I just knew that about myself back then. School wasn't my thing.

Isn't it ironic, how I ended up where I am today? Working so closely with students who would most likely say the very same thing about themselves. And at such young ages! Thankfully, we know better and know more now than they ever could have back then. I love being able to help these kids and I will miss many, MANY things about my job. But the time has come, to stop working seven days a week and stop struggling to make ends meet month after month. It'll take time, hard work and lots of self discipline. It'll mean giving up what I love because it doesn't pay the bills. It'll mean working part time instead of 45 hours a week so that I can get my degree in two years. But it will pay off ~ and we will be better off ~ in the long run.

Here's the plan:

Between fall 2010 and summer 2011, I will be taking prerequisite classes (algebra, physics and anatomy) in order to begin as a full time Associates of Science in Radiography student at a local community college in the fall of 2011. Job placement at one of our area hospitals is guaranteed upon graduating. What I'd really like, is to continue with certification in Sonography and be an ultrasound tech. That's my long term goal, but a goal, nonetheless.

I'm excited and scared and filled with hope.

And incredibly, that's just the beginning.

Well...

How unusual.

I haven't written in ~ what has it been? Months? Years? Then suddenly the urge strikes and here I am. What used to be a regular part of my online experience has all but dissolved into a distant memory. Backburnered and kept. Not forgotten but unfortunately neglected at best.

I'm not going to write about why I have or haven't written ~ and to be honest, I'm not even sure myself what that's all about. Out with the old and in with the new (Facebook being the latest 'in') has never really been my style. I've thought about writing on countless occasions.... Letting ideas twist and turn and eventually ease their way out of my thoughts and into oblivion. Life is busy. Facebook is less of a process and more of a way to connect on a simpler level, rather than to share all the juicy details that make up this life o' mine. Plus, you get to play cool games and become a fan of this and that like nobody's business and why not? Beats folding laundry ~ or airing it out to dry for all to see. Heck, some do that no matter where they cyber-dwell.

So, let's see... Where did we leave off? I haven't looked back, but I sure am looking forward, so maybe that's where my focus should be from here on out (assuming there will be more to come). I had dreams which have turned into hopes and are almost certainties. I have goals which now seem more like probabilities than possibilities, if I can just believe in myself the way others believe in me. I have priorities in (hopefully) their rightful places now, even values and morals that have been questioned (mostly by me) and reexamined and readjusted because THAT'S who I am and how and why and where the hell did I go wrong? And why for so long? Serious soul searching going on here lately.... But it's all good and real and right. As life should be. Focus, michelle. F O C U S.

Family is well and good and sometimes complicated. The girls are beautiful young ladies now... When and how and why did that happen?! They make me so proud and thankful and lucky and blessed and I love them more every day.

Still here. Still there. Still, still, still... And yet, everything is moving forward. Change is in the air. It's spring, in case you haven't noticed. And we all know what that means.

I have so much to say I don't know where to begin.

(near) Clarification

My last entry stirred up some concern and i apologize for not having explained myself or the reason behind such a post. Sometimes we FEEL things which are not exactly the way they are. i DO consider myself extremely blessed and know better than almost anyone that my life is full in countless ways, and it is never my intention to forget or lessen who and what makes that so.

Summer has officially begun (meaning, that my time at school is done and i am now on a bit more regular schedule, even if that regular schedule is somewhat irregular ~ which i know makes absolutely no sense at all. except to me). Most of today was spent cleaning and catching up on the endless pile of laundry and carpet cleaning (my cats are giving me a time of it, and i've just about drained my brain of ideas to keep them from ruining the pleasant fragrance of home). The skies have been unpredictable, so i've not dared to venture off to any lake or poolside chair. As a matter of fact, things are pretty gray out there at the moment.... Maybe we'll luck out and have a fantastic storm.

Things i've done lately:

Walked through a field of tall grass and spied a bunny, looking frightened yet extremely cute.

Saw a hundred fireflies in said field and cupped one in my hand before watching it fly away to join the others in mated bliss.

Took a friend who needed a pick-me-up out to lunch and said goodbye to those moving/retiring, etc...

Joined Ladies Workout Express ~ orientation today @ 5:30.

Made reservations at The Anchorage in York, Maine for 3 nights in August.

Started painting/writing again.


There's more, but nothing i feel a pressing need to share at the moment.

Emptiness

Something

When I discontinued the artificial sweeteners and added milk (skim) and juice (100%) back into my diet and REAL sugar in my coffee/tea , I wasn't expecting the results I've had. Zero headaches in almost three weeks. Unless you count the afternoon I had nothing but artificially sweetened iced tea in the fridge and allowed myself two tall glasses, doubting that it was really something so simple causing such horrendous aches in my head.... Regret settled in not long after.

So there's something.

Everyone needs a little something sometimes. Something to keep the mind busy with random thoughts and reasons to keep things moving in some sort of forward direction. I've been delighted to have finally figured out what was going on up there, really. The pain in my head is really gone. I can think more clearly now. FANTASTIC.

So perhaps a little added sweetness isn't always the answer.

I've been doing the Facebook thing... Finding old friends from 20 or so years ago ~ most of whom I haven't seen for an equal amount of time. It's fun, leaving little notes on each other's walls and playing absolutely POINTLESS games and quizzes just for the hell of it. There are a few folks heading this way for alumni weekend. I'll be working. And I'm thankful for that. But I also feel I'm missing out a bit. Interestingly enough (i say that a lot), I could probably meet the gang at Electra friday night after work, or join in the noontime events and meet for lunch at Salt Hill after the parade... But I won't.

Some days are better than others, aren't they? I had plans for this evening and they fell through. I was slightly irritated, but not overly surprised. It's beautiful out, and I know I should be out enjoying it. Grab a book and a cold one and head to the pool....

Now there's something.

Oh, My Aching Head...

I've been dealing with chronic headache pain for about two months now. At times, an advil or two can dull or even wipe out the ache in a matter of minutes.

Then are the times when no matter what I take it's simply no use and I am quite sure I could put a hammer through my head and it would only feel better.

Thankfully, I've misplaced my hammer... Also, that such moments are fairly few and far between.

Years ago, I had a friend drive me to the ER for a headache which might have been classified as a migraine. The pain was debilitating ~ and to this day, I've never felt anything quite like it again. I could not move my head without it feeling as if there was some sort of twisted metal grinding in my brains. The doctor looked at me as if I were some sort of hypochondriac and all but told me to suck it up. I burst into tears right then and there and walked out. Needless to say, I haven't been in any big hurry to repeat that experience.

Until today, I have attributed my headaches to minor stress related issues, or perhaps a change in sleep patterns and/or pillows. I've also taken into consideration that I am always "stuffed up" and have been trying out different allergy meds to see if there's a connection. All to no avail.

I arrived at my weekend job this afternoon and my boss asked me how I was feeling (she knew of my recent illnesses and was concerned ~ couldn't ask for a better boss, to be honest). We chatted a bit and she brought up something that I hadn't even considered, and it was as if the culprit himself walked right up and slapped me upside the head.

Artificial sweeteners.

I've been dieting for a couple months. Trying a few different things and working hard to get back down to the weight I was when I'd lost the most, and hopefully continuing on from there. Interestingly enough, I realized that other than coffee and tea, I've consumed nothing BUT artificially sweetened beverages (flavored water, "tea to go", crystal light, etc...) for the past two months! Even in my coffee and tea, I've used mostly Splenda with an occasional sugar splurge here and there.

So perhaps I have an answer. Or, at the very least, another possibility. So starting now, it's 100% fruit juice and, my personal favorite of all bottled drinks ~ Diet Fuze, which is all natural.

I'm pretty sure my readership has dwindled to one or two loyal friends, but I'm wondering if anyone else has had similar experiences with headaches or side effects from artificial sweeteners. If not you (which I sincerely hope is the case), perhaps someone you know?

Will continue posting.... Again, it's been far too long.

The Final Rose ~ The Heart Gets In The Way

I did something really foolish.

I had my cable turned back on.

Every so often, I'll realize how ridiculous it is to be paying the same amount to keep my electric running as it is to keep my TV going.... I've been rather content for the past few months, not to have that hefty cable bill delivered to my mailbox. Not only that, but it sure is a lot more peaceful in the house without that background noise. Noise that I'm hearing right now, as a matter of fact. Just because.

So the first show I happened to actually watch rather than just listen to had to be The Bachelor. The final rose episode, of course... When after weeks of living with all these women and dumping one or more week after week, he finally makes that fateful decision between the two women he's chosen as his final two. Heart-wrenching shit, let me tell ya...

Seriously.

I cried like a baby, and I'm not ashamed to say it. I mean I AM ashamed to say that I cried over such a sensationalistic show. However, I'm NOT ashamed to say that I cried because , well, I'm an emotional woman after all and a good cry can lead to resolving internal issues and can cleanse a soul. At least that's what I've always been told.

Interestingly enough, the man changed his mind. I mean, really. He THINKS he's chosen "the one", you know? Sure as the sky is blue, he made the right decision at the time. Then life.... Well, we all know about life and what THAT can do...

So he breaks things off with his first choice and breaks her heart much in the same way he broke the other lady's heart the first time around. And THEN, tells the other woman in front of the entire world, that he made a mistake, loves and has always loved her, and wants another chance. Of course, her feelings have never changed because, well, she had fallen in love with him as it was. And those sort of feelings don't just stop overnight. Or at all, from my experience.

So, when do we know? I mean really. People fall in and out of love every day. Following your heart one way on this day, may mean following it in an entirely different direction the next. Not even days... sometimes months or even years go by before our hearts lead us in directions and to places we'd never imagined or thought of or realized existed. When the heart gets in the way of all that we know, all that we THINK we know ~ it can shake us to the core. It can also lead to happiness beyond anything we've ever known. Exciting? Fulfilling? Terrifying? All the above. Just do it. Don't let yourself get so caught up in the have to's and the must do's, or the why's and how's. Just love. Just live. Life offers no second chances. Just follow.