Saturday, October 28, 2006

The "Present"

How easy it can become, to wrap ourselves up in the why's, what if's and when's of life.  So easy to dwell in sadness and drown ourselves in tears.  Screaming internally, and yet all the while smiling at the world.  What a complete and utter waste.  Of time.  Of life...

Don't we all feel some degree of sadness?  And don't we all feel some degree of happiness?  Is that not what this is all about here?  Okay, so life is far from perfect.  So things are different then I thought they'd be at this point in my life.  Do I not have all I need?  Maybe...  Perhaps not, but there is time for that later ~ isn't there?  Who knows if tomorrow will come?  Do I risk losing everything in order to obtain one thing?  If I wait, will it be too late for ME? 

  I have been neglecting my journal, on purpose.  Not in the sense that I haven't been writing... I often only post once a week or so anyway.  But by neglecting it, I mean I haven't been "reflecting" about things the way I need to.  I've been so concerned about hiding my thoughts so that they don't give my heart permission to feel.  And all this time, I've been feeling it all so very deeply from within, and not allowing it to flow out naturally, that it scares me to think of what the future could possibly hold if I was to let it.  What is "it", you might ask?  It is many things:  Fear.  Desire.  Need.  Guilt.  Confusion.

I am so tired of wasting time.  So ready to live life to the fullest.  The problem is knowing how.  The key is recognizing when the right time is.  Could it be now?  Today is a gift... am I throwing this gift away by not living life the way I should?  Yes, I think I am.  Do I have the courage to move forward?  Is it wrong for me to want to?  Am I truly as selfish as I feel when I allow myself to contemplate a new and different path? 

I called this journal "Reflections" for a reason.  During a time when I felt lost and chunks of my heart were scattered about, I knew that I needed an outlet.  A place to give voice to the thoughts in my head.  A place to share those thoughts with others and learn from those shared thoughts and experiences.  I have learned much from having this journal.  I have met amazing people who have touched my life and my heart.  I need to allow myself to come here, to settle in it's existence and to reveal the pleasant and not so pleasant pieces of me.  Without fear. 

Today is a gift.  Hold it tightly and enjoy it's beauty. 

Oh yeah, and don't forget to smile.... and mean it.



nhd106 said...

I always loved that "saying" about the Present.  Easier said than done though.  I admire your goal!    It is mine as well...


siennastarr said...

Well, Chelle.. that was a very deep entry..   I know you are going through a lot right  now.. what exactly it all entails, I'm not 100% sure of, but I do know that you have that wonderful gift of writing, and when you are ready to reveal your feelings and deal with them, we, your friends will be here to listen and offer hugs, love and reassurance.  Even some unsolicited advice, if you will.. :)

Welcome back to the true meaning of {{{Reflections}}}

Looking forward to more entries from you, my friend!

Hugs and love

bobbysgirl8584 said...

Michelle: you are so is far from perfect; as you well know I struggle with these same issues everyday myself. I try to be thankful for all that God has blessed me with ( and there are so many things he has blessed me with) yet there is always something nagging at emptiness I guess is the best way to describe it. I tell myself all the time to stop the pity party and the feeling sorry for myself. Some days though it is impossible .Know that I am always here to you have done for me many times!!

queeniemart said...

Wonderful words, as always. Sometimes when you are depressed you can not find the place within that allows you to see the beauty and to realize time is moving on and you can not go back. All you can do is feel the pain and the sadness and it is so hard to get past that. It is those times that i will find a place to go and reflect and find that simple something that brings back my joy.

jaimenian said...

Beautiful entry....

I'm glad I found you again!

~Jaime (ChaseNKids)

ksgal3133 said...

Thank you for these words. I needed to hear it as well. It's hard when you have so many difficult things going on in your life to see the happiness and joy but we all need to do that.


lanurseprn said...

Wow I think you were writing to me personally in this one.

cdittric77 said...

Maybe it's just me, but I'm voting for contentment as being more important? Happiness is so subjective - and sometimes, frankly, it's hard to be happy :).