Sunday, February 26, 2006

Sunday Ramblings

It's been a great week off, for the most part. Of course, there were the usual issues between the girls, but it seems that they have been tolerating each other more.  I've been threatening to get a second job, including working during the summer, if they don't let up.  They really need to understand how lucky they are that I have the kind of career that pays little but has priceless benefits.  They are so wrapped up in the fact that dad is never around that they take it out on me.  And each other.  Regrettably, I suppose I often take my inner "stuff" out on them as well, when my patience is worn thin and they are pushing button after button.  We're in this together... it's time to realize this and be happy that we have each other.

We went back to church today after a couple weeks of absence.  It happened to work out today that the basketball tournament ended with a game at 8:00am so we were able to make it.  Congrats go to my Amanda, who's team won the championship after a difficult season.  She was ecstatic!  It was wonderful to go to church without the cranky pants!  Our minister did a beautiful sermon about the light within.  I won't go on and on about it.  It was just so nice to see how he really included the children, leading them around the sanctuary holding an unlit candle, looking for the space with the most light... the kids loved it.  He had one of them stamp their light up sneaker.  Then of course he lit the candle and explained about the light within, the light of Jesus...the light they feel when they come to church, or when the sun shines just right on our newly fallen snow.                          

My nana is nearing the end of her battle with Alzheimer's disease.  Anyone who knows anything about this horrific disease, knows it ends terribly.  My mom is so distraught, of course.  It seems as though it may end tomorrow, and yet it could be like this for years.  In her own place, curled up like a baby doll, lifeless and empty.  She can not speak other than to say your name.  The doctors/nurses are amazed by this.  She does not speak until someone from the family is in the room.  She says hello, speaks the persons name, and then is gone again.  As if to say, I know you are here, so don't say anything you don't want me to hear!  She's a snipity old lady with a mighty sharp tongue!  Well, she was anyway.  Everyone knew that.  It's so incredible that she still knows us. I love her so much, and I'm already missing the nana I knew...

We are getting ready to go visit my parents for my dad's 61st birthday.  I have so much more I want to write about.  There never seems to be enough time.  I've been lazy about writing lately, choosing to keep much in my mind.  I hope you understand...I'm feeling quiet lately, and I'm not sure that it's a good quiet.  I have to stop and concentrate on that light.  It's there. I'm well aware that it is...I have to make a concious effort to see it, and feel it.  What PI$$es me off is that I don't know why.  It reminds me of that Pink Floyd song that I loved SO much as a teenager...Comfortably Numb.  Anyone familiar with that one?  Yeah, you know.  It makes me want to SCREAM!  I'm hopeful that this feeling will pass.  I thought it had yesterday, but this afternoon it seems to be creeping in again.  I hate being negative!  I want to live life to the FULLEST!  ERRR!!!  Perhaps it's my Thyroid condition.  I haven't been keeping up with the meds good this week.  Being out of school completely throws off my schedule.  You KNOW how I get when that happens!! 

Well, off we go...we have to pick up the ice cream cake.  Maybe THAT will sweeten me up a bit!  I'm HOPING!!




gdireneoe said...

Hugs to you on your nana hon'...been there.  We have the same off kilter days here sometimes.  Hugs upon hugs doll. ;)  C.

siennastarr said...

ALS is a horrible disease that just robs it's victims (yes I said victims,  because that's what they are) of nearly all of their memories.  It is just so sad.  I hope your nana doesn't suffer too long.  I hate to see or hear of any one suffering.

Congrats to Amanda for winning the tournament! :)

I hope you get to back to feeling like your old self.  I know I hate it when I feel out of sorts!


justaname4me2 said...

First, congrats to Amanda, thats WONDERFUL!!! I could read the proud in ya my friend :o)
I'm so sorry your Nana has to go through what she is. Although I think it's incrediable and amazing, and well beautiful that despite what she's supposed to be able to do, she knows you when you see her.
No need to ever justify a quiet mood or apologize for it. I for one, completely understand. I feel like I've been quiet for months now. Some day's I know why, most days I don't know the why. I think the important thing, is that we know it's there, acknowledgment is pretty important to the whole learning and growing I've come to believe.
Wishing you well,
Sister Numb with you

cdittric77 said...

I'm so very sorry to hear this grief with your Nana. As horrid as ALS is (I've lost several people to it), the one thing I can say about it - not that it is consolation - is that it forces us to begin the grieving process and share in it with our family.

That is always worth something.

With love,

onemoretina said...

Hey, Michelle ..... I know what you mean about feeling 'quiet' these days.  I think it must be something that we go through when we are dealing with difficult situations, such as your nana.  I think you are giving yourself time to sort out your feelings, and that is okay.  Maybe, eventually, you will feel like writing about it, but until then, just know that it's all part of the cycle.  Interesting that you would mention that song .... whenever my son was going through hard times, I would hear him play that song over and over.  Was strange to see that my fifteen year-old son could relate to it in the same way that I once did.  Hang in there, my friend .....   Tina