It feels like ages since I've actually written here... In fact, I've played with the idea of making this a "photo" journal, rather than a written one. The only problem with that, is that I have almost three years of my life invested within these pages, and it feels almost like a betrayal of sorts ~ to myself and even to my heart, perhaps ~ not to continue sharing my thoughts, experiences and personal reflections.
I also feel like I'm betraying others in some small way, by not commenting or even reading as much as I should. I haven't been myself lately. Strike that ~ I haven't been myself in quite a long time for a multitude of reasons. Then again, maybe I've been more myself than I have ever been.... I don't know, really. And I hate not knowing.
So much continues to weigh on my mind. Issues at home, issues with my parents, issues at work.... Mistakes within friendships, confusion in relationships... Indecision and procrastination.
And yet, there's always so much more, so much goodness, that I recognize in hindsight. I'm reminded of it, in the warmth of my children's smiles and in the sunlight that plays upon their faces as they themselves, play in the sun. In the icicles that chime naturally, as they dangle from the tree outside my window. In the soft affections of my cat as she snuggles in close beside me..... In the understanding that there is so much more to give thanks for than to struggle with.
Late yesterday afternoon, we had one of those incredible snowfalls that I look forward to and enjoy no matter how late in the season. When the tiny, intricately designed flakes of snow clump together to create a startling performance in midair. It was the element of surprise that tickled my senses ~ that, and the fresh angel kisses that settled cool against my skin, as I stood with my head tilted upward and my mouth opened wide! I always make sure and pause to give thanks, when such a miraclulous event occurs.
And those little miracles happen all around us, each and every day. How dare I ~ how dare WE ~ allow ourselves not to see and to feel and to know?
Unfortunately, it's quite easy, isn't it? We get so caught up in the here and now, and in the fear of things to come that we forget to hold on to Hope. Perspective can be lost ~ and sometimes that's okay. But ultimately, it's what keeps us from coming undone.
I may in fact, create a "photo" journal... Or something creatively similar. I may not... I guess time will tell. I am who I am. All of me fits into these pages just fine.
I can say one thing for sure... I feel better now, for writing. For finding an outlet through my fingertips so that my mind could rest a while. Even if for a moment...