Monday, April 17, 2006

Rainy Days and Mondays....

I've been away for a while.  Not away physically, but just away.  I haven't had anything of real substance to write about, and we've been so busy lately, I haven't wanted to take the time to write.  I really should make the time.  When I first started this journal over a year ago, I had originally called it Time For ME.  Time for me is ever so scarce, and even in calling it that, I felt selfish.  I have often agreed with the notion that once you are a parent, your life is put on hold, and you live for your children.  Since day one, I have felt that everything I do is for my girls, and I've loved every minute of it.  I sometimes think I lost myself in this... in thinking that my only purpose in life is to be a mom.  For SO MANY YEARS I struggled with not knowing what I was meant to do in life.  I skipped out on college, even after being accepted into the International School of Fine Arts in Miami.  I honestly didn't expect to be accepted to ANY college, my grades were so atrocious.  When I did receive that letter, I was so unsure it was numbing.  I copped out of that, quite convinced I would fail for one reason or another.  Actually, I was scared shitless to leave home.  For so long, all I wanted to do was leave this area... I was a CITY girl, dang it!  Well, that just blew THAT whole charade out of the water!! 

So, I went on to finding an apartment across town with a good friend from school, and went to work at a local department store.  How fun.  I had a few odd jobs in those few years, met up with some rather unpleasant "friends" and then found my "out" in our newspaper for a live in nanny situation in Mass.  Oh, yes, I was on my way.

And I couldn't WAIT to get home.

So back I came.  More odd jobs, including singing in a popular local band while I lived on waitressing tips.  Started dating my future hubby, and POOF!  Instant family.  No more wondering what the heck I was going to do with my life.  I was going to be a mom.  I loved EVERY minute of the thought, and was so excited to be on my way into motherhood.  It was (IS) what I was meant to do.  I honestly can say, there is nothing better.  But wait... 12 years, a wedding, and another baby later, and where am I now?  Or better, WHO am I? 

Wow...this has turned into a rather telling entry.  I still love motherhood more than anything in the world.  I have already been driven to tears by my first born this morning, so perhaps that's why this entry has taken such turn.  I suppose I'm feeling unappreciated, which comes with the territory.  I am thankful for so many things, and I forget to mention that in these entries of woe is me.  We are all healthy.  We have been watched over in many instances of uncertainties and near tragedies.  We are well cared for and loved in our family.  There are some other issues not to get to far into, but they can be dealt with carefully.  We have all our senses and all our limbs. 

Still, I can feel rather poopy when I want to.  Or when I don't want to, and I just do.

I am bound and determined to turn the glum in this day around.  It's Monday for goodness sake and we have the rest of the week off to drive each other crazy.  Wish the clouds would go away.  Or that it would just storm and get it over with! 

Hope all of you who celebrated yesterday enjoyed your Easter!  Contrary to this entry, we had a beautiful day!!  Now, I better go before I get booted again, and lose this whole thing!




gdireneoe said...

((((((((((((M))))))))))))  I know you had a bad morning...just know you weren't alone.  My whole crew is way off center right now.  Hope your weekend was full of love. ;)  C.

siennastarr said...

You know, sometimes I feel like that about journaling.  I feel like I have nothing to say, but once I start typing.. all kinds of things come out!  This turned out to be a very nice entry for you! :)  

I don't have my kids at home anymore, so I have a lot more time on my hands, and thank God for AOL and Jland!  I don't watch much TV, and so when I'm not working, or cleaning house.. I love being in front of my computer!  

I hope you had a nice Easter! :)


cherry2sweet2eat said...

Dont be like that cheer up. And i feel the same way about righting in my journal sometimes. You have alot to be thankful for i bet the life you are living now is way better then the unsure life you had before not knowing what to do where to work or live your set now and thats all you need to know. What you do now you do damn good at it and many people arent as lucky to have a family(kids).

bobbysgirl8584 said...

hey Michelle! I can not tell you how many days I have had these same thoughts and feelings. Motherhood IS the toughest job there ever was: this is the truth!! Although I love my daughters there are days I am so overwhelmed, exhausted and frustrated I wonder what was I thinking when I said all I wanted in my life was to be a "mom". I am so glad I am not alone.
Enjoy your week off with the kids!

hillareeday said...

Sometimes it is tough to know what we are supposed to be or who we are. I think it is a question we will ask of ourselves all our lives. I am at a crossroads right now. I am really burned out on teaching. I want to be a mom.  I want to stay home. I want to start a successful business. I want to lose weight and be successful at keeping it off.  So many things, Which way do I go??

I think it takes a lot of courage to write your feelings down! I hope it makes you feel better!!

onemoretina said...

    Michelle .... I have felt the same way as you.  I married young, had my kids young, and spent my life raising them.  I am glad that I devoted myself to them, but I, too, had those moments when I wondered what happened to ME.  The last kid ( adult ! ) will be out of here soon, and then it will be interesting to see what happens !  Tina

helmswondermom said...

Wow!  Sounds like you and I had similar Mondays!  Sorry I'm just now getting to my alerts.  Hope you're feeling much better.