Understanding it now..

For a while now, as some of you may have noticed, I've been feeling the Blahs.  After my follow up visit with my Doc today, I could kick myself for not paying enough attention to my health. 

A few months ago, I could not, for the life of me, find my Rx for my Thyroid condition.  Being the busy mom that I am, one that very rarely worries about herself, I pretty much blew it off...all the while, in the back of my head, knowing that I shouldn't be.  I have never taken very good care of myself, which is ridiculous because I AM a mom and I want to be here for them until I am 103 (at least).  Yet, I let myself go, putting off thoughts of MY health, only making sure that the girls get to their Dr/Dentist/Ortho/Karate/Music/ things.  In the meantime, my Thyroid level has spiraled out of wack once again, of course.  Even more than it was initially.  It seems that any normal person would be collapsing at my current level.  It is no wonder that I feel like shit.  Normal Thyroid levels are around 5.5...today I am at a level of 48.  In the event that you are feeling very tired but can't sleep, you're out of sorts and forgetting what you're doing on a regular basis, you're hair is falling out when you wash it, you're skin is very dry and you feel cold all the time....get tested!  PLEASE!  This is also why I can't lose weight and have no desire to exercise! 

I must now remain on top of this, I know, if I am going to want to stay on top of things.  I go back to work next week....my position has gone from a 1:1 Special Education Para to a 1:6 SEP.  I am definetely going to need my energy back by then!!!

In other news....Mailee recieved her green belt yesterday after a long, hard 2 hour test!!  YEH!  She has worked so hard and Karate has given her such confidence.  Congrats, hon!!

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Ok...I have erased what I have written three times now.  Started out with poems ~ gone.  Then wrote thoughts ~ ramblings.  I am finding it difficult at the moment.  When I sat down, the girls were off doing their own thing.  Just a moment later, they were standing beside me arguing.  Something far less upsetting than their FIGHTING, but distracting just the same.  I am now getting the "Mommy, my wrist hurts" and the "my stomach hurts".  The TV is on, yet the one not watching is singing loudly with her headphones on.  Oh dear the cell is ringing...This is not working out for now.  Perhaps later!  :o)

Thankful once again...

Remember when I said I was worried that something bad would bestow us because I was taking for granted all our blessings?  Well, it was far from tragic, but things could have gotten worse....

Last night, while I was adding my "fishing" entry, Amanda, who has suffered from extreme allergies for years, was starting to develop an annoying cough.  She was online for awhile and it seemed to get worse and worse, making it almost impossible for her to take a breath.  I was becoming more and more worried.  It had never gotten so bad so quickly.  I made her get off the computer ~ which was impossible for her to even use, she was coughing so nonstop ~ and I put my ear to her back...her weasing was so awful!!  I was very worried now, and decided that once Mr B. came home to stay with Mailee, I would take Amanda to the ER.

We got home at 4:30AM.

But at least we got home, and she was going to be okay.

She was having an Asthma attack....they said that if I hadn't brought her in, she could have been in a lot of danger.  They had her breathe through a Nebulizer for about 10 minutes, which helped tremendously.  They did a chest xray, and it was alright, but showed typical signs of asthma.  Checked her oxygen levels, etc...finally she was able to breathe well again and the cough got significantly better.  They gave her a new prescription for a stronger inhaler containing steroid and a spacer to inhale the medicine.  She has to do this everyday, whether she is weasy or not, along with her allergy pills and nose spray...gosh, I hate having her take so much medicine.  But, if it's going to help...

I know there are families that are dealing with much more serious health issues.  This is reminding me, once again, how lucky we are.  I am "BAM"ed into shape, Lord.  Thank you...AGAIN!

 

Looking ahead...

Well, the girls and I just arrived home a short while ago.  The day has gone better than I thought it would.  The pics are from our fishing excursion.  We didn't catch anything ~ well, not fish anyway.  Mai caught herself a stickfish (check pics) and we all had our share of fun with the crawfish!  After fishing we came home and went swimming.  Very refreshing...and they didn't fight.  Something they are really struggling with.  Especially lately.  Being home with them all summer is something I always want to enjoy, but they can take the enjoyment out of it in a New York minute when they want to.  I try to mask my feelings of unhappiness, but they must feel it when I'm down.  Perhaps it's their way of saying, "MOOOM!  Focus over here!!"  And believe me, I do.

After swimming and dinner we went to our local dairy twirl (just what I needed) and then I took them to the playground.  Yes, Amanda still enjoys a little playground action.  They had fun there.  Then, you guessed it, back to the river.  Unfortunately, by that time the bats were out. 

I DO NOT HANDLE BATS VERY WELL...

Enough said.

Now, we are home.  Home...something I need to remember is priceless.

Mr. B will be home in an hour or so.  I want to continue to feel hopeful.  I don't have much else to say....'cept goodnight!

 

Trying to sort it out....

I've been feeling a bit out of sorts lately.  Alright, maybe a lot out of sorts.  I've been putting off writing because I feel like I shouldn't be complaining and yet if I get on and write that all is well, or just tell of my daily routine, it's not being honest.  To myself, or anyone reading this.  I'm hoping this uneasy feeling will simply pass....it usually does.  Then I can look back and say, "What the @#%$ was wrong with me?!"  Sometimes when I feel this way, I get very worried that something tragic will happen.  Like I wasn't being thankful for my blessings.  Taking people and things for granted.  Then it's decided in my fate somewhere that "BAM!" I will learn a powerful lesson about what's important.  I hope that our fate is preprogramed somehow and that what is meant to be will be meant to be. 

The only thing that I know to be true is that my family is the most important thing in my life...those that are attached to be by blood and flesh.  I will forever know that motherhood is my one true thing.  I may not always be the best at it, but I always strive to be. 

I keep erasing what I write because it sounds so ridiculous! 

The girls and I are leaving in a few to go fishing.  We have only been a couple times this summer.  Maybe this will help my mood.  I need to get out.  To stop staring at the walls...Tears come and I feel so ashamed.  I don't want my babies to see me like this.  It's a beautiful Saturday with a nice gentle breeze and sunny skies.  I can't wait to sit by the river...I hope the combination of sun and sparkling ripples of water will fill the emptiness and dull the cries in my head. 

I'll write again when I'm feeling better ~ I promise! 

Reflecting on Religion

The Pictures I posted today are 1.) The Sky (of course), and 2.) My daughter looking at her reflection in the puddle by our pool.  I have to admit, I asked her to lie down and look in the puddle because I thought it would make a good picture, and I think it really does....

The sky...how amazing is that?  When the sun's rays shine through the clouds like that it gives me a warm, comforting feeling.  I've been told, in the past, that this feeling is the Holy Ghost.  That whenever you feel this... whether it's during prayer, great joy, great sorrow, or just whenever.  I know it feels wonderful. 

I have had so many questions through the years about religion.  About God.  I take my children to church throughout the church school year.  They are involved in Choir and bells.  Yet, we don't go all summer long...just because there is no church school.  When my older daughter was about 3, I wanted to start going to church again.  At THAT time, I felt that children should stay in worship with their families...then, I finally figured out that that was not an option.  They don't understand what's being said on an adult level like that.  They get much more from the curriculum which is age appropriate...I know this because I alternate teaching their classes every year.  And yet, there's these questions...I have questions!  And DOUBTS!  I'm ashamed to admit it!  Does this mean I am without faith?  Damn.  I'm really upset about this.  I have always told kids in class that having doubts is all a part of the journey.  Honestly?  I can only hope this is true.

I recently found out that we will be finally getting a new minister soon.  Our beloved Peter retired two years ago.  We have had an intrim minister ever since that, well, another shameful thing, I haven't loved quite as much.  Ahem.  Lots of prayers about this, yes.  If someone preaches one thing and they don't live by their words, it's very hard for me to sit and listen to them.  Sorry.  I'm just not into hypocrisy.  All these strikes against me...

I suppose some of you are wondering why I even go to church.  I know my husband is...well, it's that warm feeling I get when I look at the sky again.  It's praying in the sanctuary where I was baptized with so many other families that are also there for the right reasons.  It's that feeling of, ok, I know I have questions and doubts, but You forgive me, Lord.  Don't you?  That no matter that millions of people out there believe with all their heart and soul something different from the next person.  It's ok.  Whatever reasons these doubts cloud my mind...the sun's rays will shine through and warm me every single day of my life, regardless. 

"There's some things I know to be true                                                       Snow is white, and the ocean is blue                                                              Rain is wet when it falls from the sky                                                              And the stars come out every night                                                                And just as sure as the sun will rise                                                              This love is real, you see in my eyes                                                            Plant a seed and it will grow                                                                         There's some things I know...."

Billy Gilman

 

Unknown

Subject unknown....I feel at a loss lately.  I'm not sure if it's that I have little to say, or if I'm avoiding issues.  I wonder if my reasons for changing the idea for my journal were really just a coverup for avoiding my own garbage.  I have mentioned journals to certain friends and family members, so perhaps that makes it harder for me to write.  I should have kept it my little secret!  (sorry, if any of you are reading!)  I feel now I can only write what I would allow people in my life to read.  An open book, so to speak.  Not only for all of you unknowns out there, but for some people who see or speak to me everyday!  I look at my decision to change my journal's title now, and think, was I really trying to just hide?  Did I actually think I could?  I mean, all anyone has to do is look up a screen name in journals and POOF there we all are.  Even a simple AOL search will bring up your entries if someone types in a word or two from your journal.  Maybe I need to create a private journal.  That may be the only solution.  No offense, mom.  We're very close, I have told you of many thoughts and what lies heavy on my heart, but there has to be a place I can go to truly unleash.  Not that I want my journal to be a big sob story.  I am honestly, a relatively happy person.  There are just things....crappy things that need my attention.  I ask mom if she checks out my journal at all.  She says no...that journals are to personal and she doesn't want to get caught up in so many dramas.  Gets enough of that at the hair salon where she works, she says.  I myself, find it comforting when I find a journaler who dares to speak of things that I leave unspoken and reaches out to me, unknowingly, from the roots.  And I can say, "YES!  I feel that, too"  Then, I don't feel quite so alone.  It's almost embarrassing to reveal your weaknesses.  I feel stronger when I find someone who battles their demons and wins....or at least attempts to.  I just let time go by.  Wondering if it will all work itself out eventually, and be okay.

This music is great to write to.  I think I will make it a habit.

I must go.  The girls are working on their rooms and I still feel guilty for being on the computer.  Oh, here comes one.  She wants help.  Off I go!  Until we meet again....