The following is a copy of the email I sent to Cyndy tonight.  I wanted to share it with you all, as I am feeling rather unsettled about my moods and behavior lately.  Thanks for all your encouraging words.  Cherry, I knew you'd be the one to kick me in the butt!!  I fully deserved it!  THANKS! 

 

Cyndy

I was so saddened at the news of Pamela's passing....I have been such a pessimist of late, and I am shamefully saddened that I have  been taking life and love for granted lately, when so many, like Pam, have had to endure soo so much and would give (or have given) anything to have what I have.   I must pray for ability to see more than what I have been seeing.... 

Thanks for the positive messages, Cyndy!   xoxox Michelle

 

 

Rainy Days and Mondays....

I've been away for a while.  Not away physically, but just away.  I haven't had anything of real substance to write about, and we've been so busy lately, I haven't wanted to take the time to write.  I really should make the time.  When I first started this journal over a year ago, I had originally called it Time For ME.  Time for me is ever so scarce, and even in calling it that, I felt selfish.  I have often agreed with the notion that once you are a parent, your life is put on hold, and you live for your children.  Since day one, I have felt that everything I do is for my girls, and I've loved every minute of it.  I sometimes think I lost myself in this... in thinking that my only purpose in life is to be a mom.  For SO MANY YEARS I struggled with not knowing what I was meant to do in life.  I skipped out on college, even after being accepted into the International School of Fine Arts in Miami.  I honestly didn't expect to be accepted to ANY college, my grades were so atrocious.  When I did receive that letter, I was so unsure it was numbing.  I copped out of that, quite convinced I would fail for one reason or another.  Actually, I was scared shitless to leave home.  For so long, all I wanted to do was leave this area... I was a CITY girl, dang it!  Well, that just blew THAT whole charade out of the water!! 

So, I went on to finding an apartment across town with a good friend from school, and went to work at a local department store.  How fun.  I had a few odd jobs in those few years, met up with some rather unpleasant "friends" and then found my "out" in our newspaper for a live in nanny situation in Mass.  Oh, yes, I was on my way.

And I couldn't WAIT to get home.

So back I came.  More odd jobs, including singing in a popular local band while I lived on waitressing tips.  Started dating my future hubby, and POOF!  Instant family.  No more wondering what the heck I was going to do with my life.  I was going to be a mom.  I loved EVERY minute of the thought, and was so excited to be on my way into motherhood.  It was (IS) what I was meant to do.  I honestly can say, there is nothing better.  But wait... 12 years, a wedding, and another baby later, and where am I now?  Or better, WHO am I? 

Wow...this has turned into a rather telling entry.  I still love motherhood more than anything in the world.  I have already been driven to tears by my first born this morning, so perhaps that's why this entry has taken such turn.  I suppose I'm feeling unappreciated, which comes with the territory.  I am thankful for so many things, and I forget to mention that in these entries of woe is me.  We are all healthy.  We have been watched over in many instances of uncertainties and near tragedies.  We are well cared for and loved in our family.  There are some other issues not to get to far into, but they can be dealt with carefully.  We have all our senses and all our limbs. 

Still, I can feel rather poopy when I want to.  Or when I don't want to, and I just do.

I am bound and determined to turn the glum in this day around.  It's Monday for goodness sake and we have the rest of the week off to drive each other crazy.  Wish the clouds would go away.  Or that it would just storm and get it over with! 

Hope all of you who celebrated yesterday enjoyed your Easter!  Contrary to this entry, we had a beautiful day!!  Now, I better go before I get booted again, and lose this whole thing!

                                      

 

The Tuesday Two

The Tuesday Two   (Found in COURAGE.... (again!)

THIS WEEK'S TOPIC: OVER-INDULGING

QUESTION A:
When you over-indulge, what do you most often enjoy too much of? How hard have you tried to avoid over-indulging in this particular thing?

or

QUESTION B:
Consider something that you have over-indulged in before: How do you define what your limits are, and more importantly, how do you make sure you don't cross them?

Choose A or B, (indicate which question you're answering!) then either answer the question in a comment or answer it in your journal and include the link in a comment. (To be considered "first to play," a link must be to the specific entry in which you answered the question.)

Remember:choose one or the other...not both!


Alright...first of all, I want to explain that this is not an easy entry for me.  It's going to be a bit telling and quite embarrassing.  I am choosing to answer # 1. 

I have an over indulgence.  It's not drugs or alcohol.  It isn't anything that impairs my ability to function normally, at least not so apparently as, say, someone who drinks heavily.  Alcoholism DOES run in my family, quite rampantly, in fact, so perhaps this is my way of steering clear of that.  Another excuse, I suppose, just like anyone struggling with an addiction.  It's an often misunderstood addiction.  Many people, my family included, find it very hard to accept that someone could be addicted to food.  "Just don't buy the junk." I hear often.  Well, that's like telling an alcoholic to stay out of the liqour store.  I can not explain it, and won't even attempt to... it sounds ridiculous even to me.  I just can't use this public space to lay it open for you all.  I feel so weak and utterly stupid, quite frankly. 

This over indulgence doesn't happen all the time, but I will say, I struggle with it every day.  The first thing I want to do upon arriving home from work is eat.  Shortly after that, I want to eat again.  And again.  Then we have dinner, and I over eat then as well.  I snack throughout the evening, especially if we have been busy going back and forth to practices, school events, etc.  I eat when I feel stressed, lonely and bored.  It feels good.  Then, like an alcoholic with a hangover, I feel disgusting and blaaahhh.  This is called emotional or compulsive eating.  It's not very different from any other addiction, and it is destructive.  It of course causes obesity, fatigue, joint pain, diabetes, heart attacks...and not to mention what it does to ones figure. 

So, one might want to yell at me.  "CONTROL YOURSELF!!!"  One might say. 

Well, I have good days and bad...I know what I should do, not only for myself, but also my beautiful girls whom I wish NOT to pass this addiction on to.  I'm trying to focus on the lifestyle changes needed to move on with my "recovery".  Firstly, I have to find the reason for the over indulging of food.  I have to "fill" that empty space in my heart with something that can compete with the food that I want to put there.  I need to get moving.  Starting Tuesday, I will be walking with a friend 2-3 times a week.  Heck, I may even start tomorrow!  I hope I'm finally ready this time.  I'vebeen struggling with this for about 25 years!  Way too long. 

Anyway, this is my answer to this question...play along as well! 

If you dare!! 

          

Coming Clean

We have this informational email up at work in the teachers restroom!  (A great place for a good read...)  I found this today on the facts proven and unproven.  Either way, coke will clean your house for you.  Seeing that many of these are unproven, I intend to continue an occassional splurge.  Maybe it will whiten my teeth.... :-D

 

1.  The highway patrol carrying Coke to clean up blood at car accidents.  Unproven! (Help us out) If this is true, we haven't found it.
 2.  A t-bone steak will be eaten away by Coke in two days.  Unproven! (Help us out)
 3.  Clean a toilet with Coke.  Truth!  According to www.howtocleananything.com, the popular household hint guru Mary Ellen says some coke in the toilet for an hour can do the trick.
 4.  Remove stains from vitreous china.  Truth!  According to columnist Heloise.
 5.  Use Coke and a ball of aluminum foil for rust on chrome.  Truth!  According to Joey Greene's www.wackyuses.com
 6.  Clean corrosion from car battery terminals.  Truth!  This is true of a lot of carbonated beverages.
 7.  Use a Coke-soaked cloth to loosen a rusted bolt.  Truth!  According to Mary Ellen.
 8.  Use a can of Coke in a load of greasy laundry.  Truth!  According to Mary Ellen.
 9.  Dissolve a nail in 4 days in Coke.  Unproven! (Help us out)
10. Hazardous materials signs are required on trucks carrying Coke concentrate.
  

Who ME?

You Are 56% Open Minded You are a very open minded person, but you're also well grounded.
Tolerant and flexible, you appreciate most lifestyles and viewpoints.
But you also know where you stand firm, and you can draw that line.
You're open to considering every possibility - but in the end, you stand true to yourself.

 

I think this one has me tagged pretty well... can't dispute it at all.

We are feeling better here, and we all made it back to school just in time for Friday to arrive.  I must say, it's certainly nice to go back to work after being gone so much to still feel the love from those kiddos as well as my coworkers.  I hope I can manage to have enough energy to do this for a long, long time.  Next week will be interesting....we are starting the Terra Nova testing in the second grade so most of my mornings are going to be sitting in a little yellow room with my one on one guy who isn't one of my biggest fans.  He's going to blow his stack when he sees this test.  It's not so much that it's a difficult test, but I can't even help him ~ he has to read it and do it all himself, I'm just there to answer specific questions about directions.  This is one child who has perplexed me from day one.  I won't/can't go into specifics, but he is having a difficult time with behavior, obviously stemming from his learning difficulties.  This is the age when they really start to see how different they are when they are struggling to keep up and understand what all their peers are so able to understand.  It's frustrating to him, which is in turn taken out on me.  I find it hard to not take it personally.  He's my bud.

Well, I'm going to make this short tonight.  Hope all of you are well and enjoying this beautiful early spring weather!  If you are with me here in New England...

                                                                              

                                                It's a beauty!

Thirteen SOMETHING....((sniff))

                                                    

Yep, the bug has arrived...or rather, it never went away.  I was home 2 days last week with Amanda, now it's Mailee's turn.  She has the fever, cough, sore throat flu thing that is going around like mad at school.  Oh yeah, and me.... I'm just fighting it off!  Thank goodness I work in a place that is so understanding of these kinds of issues.  They certainly don't want sick kids in class.  Minh can't stay home.  He's never able to stay home.  I wouldn't even dream of asking.  Miss the kiddos, but I plan to go back tomorrow if Mai's fever is down today.

Okay, so Charley gave me something else to do, for which I am very grateful because I just haven't had it in me lately to be original.  I need to get out in the sun...

                     

                      Thursday Thirteen...

post an entry with a list of thirteen something.  It can be anything.  So, here's mine:

THIRTEEN PLACES I'D RATHER BE RIGHT NOW

1.  Lying on the beach, any tropical beach would do, reading the novel I am currently working on "Plain Truth" (jodi picoult, of course)

2.  Fishing

3.  Boating

4.  Standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon...okay, maybe not the edge.  Back just a ways.

5.  New York City.  I've never been.

6.  At a Broadway show

7.  Wildwoods, NJ (again, the ocean...so many dolphins there!)

8.  Vacationing, anywhere with my family

9.  In a theater watching a good movie

10. Watching a country music festival with all my favorite CM singers!

11. Visiting Lynn in Texas   

12. Visiting Kathy in Montana

13. At an amusement park                     

 

Charley over at Courage posted this Wedsnesday Reflection:

 

We are so vain that we even care for the opinion of those we don't care for.

Marie Ebner von Eschenbach

What he would like is for anyone who wishes to, to post and entry in their journal about the reflection.  Then please visit Charley and leave a link to your reflection in his comments.  http://journals.aol.com/cdittric77/Courage/ Here are my thoughts:

 

Had I read this qoute, oh, say, a good 20 years ago, I would have proudly exclaimed, "BULL#$%"  and gone on my merry way.  Well, actually,  I probably wouldn't have gone so merrily.  As teenagers went, I was not the sweetest.  I was rather foul, as a matter of fact, from age 13 to about age 17.  I loved to spike my hair, wear crazy clothes, smoke and swear, and pretty much saw everyone who didn't appreciate my individuality as total stuck ups.  I loved that others thought I was possessed.  I couldn't have cared LESS what ANYONE thought of me... "DAD!" I'd say, "who CARES if no one will ever hire me for a job?!  If they don't like me because of the way look, screw 'um!"   

WELL, then I grew up of course...that was a very dark period in my life and I went through some difficult teen years as Punk MEESHELL.  I brought a lot of it on myself, but I think deep down I did care.  Not as much as I do NOW of course.  Now that I have children and I work at my very own elementary school.  I certainly care how people view me.  And my children.  And my husband.  There's part of me that wants to whisper screw you sometimes, but I have a family to think of.  I am SO opposite of the way I was, it's not funny... when I tell my girls not to make eye contact with the punks that hang out at the park in their black clothes and multiple body piercings, I think, omg... that was me!  Scary...

Thanks, Charley.  I needed that!