Friday, November 10, 2006

Hope Resurfacing

Wake up to a sunny day, not a cloud up in the sky
Then it starts to rain, my defenses hit the ground
And they shatter all around, so open and exposed
I found strength in the struggle
Face to face with my trouble

When you're broken in a million little pieces
And you're trying but you can't hold on anymore
Every tear falls down for a reason
Don't you stop believing in yourself
When you're broken

Little girl don't be so blue
I know what you're going through
Don't let it beat you up
Heaven knows that getting scars
Only makes you who you are
No matter how much your heart is aching
There is beauty in the breaking

When you're broken in a million little pieces
And you're trying but you can't hold on anymore
Every tear falls down for a reason
Don't you stop believing in yourself
When you're broken

Better days are gonna find you once again
Every piece will find its place

When you're broken in a million little pieces 

And you're trying but you can't hold on anymore
Every tear falls down for a reason
Don't you stop believing in yourself
When you're broken        

 

While I know I've made many mistakes as a parent, I have always prided myself on being a "good" mom.  From the time I found out I was going to BE a mom, my life began anew.  I was no longer living only for myself.  I read every book and and watched every parenting program on tv, talked endlessly with my friends who were already raising children...  Sought guidance from my own mom, who raised me with more love, understanding and patience than I can articulate.  When my first daughter was born, I was amazed at how natural it all was for me.  The sleepless nights, the crying, the nursing, the constantly being needed, it was all the most pleasurable experience I have ever had.  I loved every exhausting moment.  Even amidst some turmoil that tore at my heart during that time, I was stronger as a parent than I ever was when no one else depended on me.  The same experience was repeated with baby girl number two.  Being a mom has been the most amazing blessing I could ever hope to receive.

But it's not so easy when they grow up, is it? 

Finding the right words is the hardest.  I'm always saying something wrong.  I'm finding that I am no longer the role model I once was.  The struggles aren't about wet diapers and broken toys anymore.  It has begun.  The "real" stuff.  Stuff I am truly not as  good at as I'd like to be.  I struggle with finding the right words, when I can not back up what I am trying to say.  Follow your heart?  Follow your dreams?  Never settle for less than what you deserve?  Be all that you can possibly be? 

It's time I started following my own advice.  Time to be a role model for my daughters again.  Time to find the strength in the struggle.  Time to piece together that which is broken and live life as it's meant to be lived.  I am tired of letting life slip by me, and seeing the sadness in my little girls' faces as they quietly watch.  I'm starting to find hope ~ and reasons to change.  Reasons that have been in my heart all along, but are just now starting to resurface.

And it sure feels good to find that I still have it in me. 

~smile~

 

 


4 comments:

nhd106 said...

What a beautiful entry.....you should be proud of yourself for being such a great mom.    And that graphic and quote is beautiful too!

Nancy

siennastarr said...

This entry really hit home with me..  I felt your pain as your wrote that poem in the beginning..  It could of been me writing it.  Amazing how we are all so much alike, and don't even realize it.
Being a mom is easy.  Being a good mother is not.  It doesn't come with a set of instructions, and we are always going to make mistakes, and as our kids get older they will usually have no problem pointing them out.  

I'm glad that you are smiling though... :)

Hugs
Jackie

radar446 said...

Your children can be some strong motivators can't they?

Greg
http://journals.aol.com/radar446/PhotoTrek/

onemoretina said...

Hey Michelle .... It was so much easier for me when my children were little and most of the work was physical.  When they got older, and it was all emotional stuff, I found myself at a loss.  Those kinds of things are much harder to deal with.  Now my kids are all grown up, but I still worry.  I guess that part never ends. But the good thing is that it is very rewarding to have an adult relationship with your children, because you find out that they really did hear what you were saying, even when they pretended that they werent listening!   Tina