This following post will not be fun, so if you're weak and weary from your own long and trying day, you may want to pass right on by to your next journal alert...
I've been aching to write lately, and I haven't wanted to put pen to paper, and yet, I haven't wanted to burden anyone (that means you) with my trivial troubles anymore than I already have. What I've decided is that instead of trying ~as I have been~ to post about sunny days and chipper strolls along the lakeside (which help, but don't make the problems go away), I'm going to open up a bit, in this public place. Sort of throw myself at the mercy of the cybergods and pray that anyone reading this will be a non-judgemental sort of heart, and remember that I'm only human.
And right away, panic sets in and I want to delete, run, and hide myself under my bed covers... I've opened up a bit here and there, never coming right out and saying EXACTLY what's on my mind, and yet revealing just enough to give one a basic understanding of the fact that I have issues. Don't we all? I mean, does it take tragedy to strike a person down for them to feel like they are unable to stand up? It's very interesting really, I have had some very serious issues, ones I can never share, that carved deep holes in my heart. I dealt with those obvious issues head freaking on... took complete control when I felt utterly out of control. Others were depending on me to do just that and I did it, hands down. Why then, when all seems so rosy on the outside, and nothing in particular is striking me down, am I feeling so low?
And then there are words. Powerful, meaningful words, that can make or break a smile. Words that can make you shiver with fright, and many that heal and spread warmth. It's amazing, the way it can happen, as it did tonight with a close family member... that I can be completely in place, the way I know I should be, and one simple sentence dissolves me into a puddle. Only to quickly be wiped dry with a damp back hand and shaken off so that little innocent eyes don't have to see.
And yet, they know. I know they know, becauseI can see it in their eyes when they think I'm not looking. I know because it's obvious in their outbursts and their reactions to me that they see right through me. This is what saddens me the most, is that they feel it, too. I never, ever wanted or want them to feel pain. Yes, they will have their own pain, but to feel MINE? How unfair is that?!? I have always known that I would not be able to give them the kind of childhood I would have wanted them to have. Oh sure, I do as much as I humanly can to make sure that their lives are as normal and happy as I possibly can. ANd you may wish to judge me at this moment, because of so many children out there who are suffering and hurting, and hungry and crying... I KNOW THIS, and that's what makes it even all the more shameful for me to feel this way. I'm CONSTANTLY saying, "look for the positives... be happy with all that you are blessed with..." when in reality, I'm only trying to drill those same words into my own head. I swear, someday I will lose it. I will lose what I have taken for granted all this time. So why can't I stop my heart from hurting so?
I'm giving no specifics, and you are surely thinking I am a complete nut job and I'm expecting a swift kick in the rear from many of you. No one is happy all the time... I understand. And I know that if I started praying a little more regularly, and doing it right, I might find some guidance in Him. I haven't really put things in His hands lately, the way that I probably should. And yet, I've been doing it for years, and expecting some sort of answer, when I am quite sure that the answer is right here... here inside of this heart. I have to search harder. I must find it. Before it's too late.
So on that bummer of a note, I bid you all good evening, and hope I haven't discouraged any of you from coming back. You all know that I do manage to post on not so dreary days.... Hope the sun is shining on all of you over the weekend.