Friday, June 23, 2006

Saved For a Rainy Day...

This following post will not be fun, so if you're weak and weary from your own long and trying day, you may want to pass right on by to your next journal alert...

I've been aching to write lately, and I haven't wanted to put pen to paper, and yet, I haven't wanted to burden anyone (that means you) with my trivial troubles anymore than I already have.  What I've decided is that instead of trying ~as I have been~ to post about sunny days and chipper strolls along the lakeside (which help, but don't make the problems go away), I'm going to open up a bit, in this public place.  Sort of throw myself at the mercy of the cybergods and pray that anyone reading this will be a non-judgemental sort of heart, and remember that I'm only human.

And right away, panic sets in and I want to delete, run, and hide myself under my bed covers... I've opened up a bit here and there, never coming right out and saying EXACTLY what's on my mind, and yet revealing just enough to give one a basic understanding of the fact that I have issues.  Don't we all?  I mean, does it take tragedy to strike a person down for them to feel like they are unable to stand up?  It's very interesting really, I have had some very serious issues, ones I can never share, that carved deep holes in my heart.  I dealt with those obvious issues head freaking on... took complete control when I felt utterly out of control.  Others were depending on me to do just that and I did it, hands down.  Why then, when all seems so rosy on the outside, and nothing in particular is striking me down, am I feeling so low? 

And then there are words.  Powerful, meaningful words, that can make or break a smile.  Words that can make you shiver with fright, and many that heal and spread warmth.  It's amazing, the way it can happen, as it did tonight with a close family member... that I can be completely in place, the way I know I should be, and one simple sentence dissolves me into a puddle.  Only to quickly be wiped dry with a damp back hand and shaken off so that little innocent eyes don't have to see.

And yet, they know.  I know they know, becauseI can see it in their eyes when they think I'm not looking.  I know because it's obvious in their outbursts and their reactions to me that they see right through me.  This is what saddens me the most, is that they feel it, too.  I never, ever wanted or want them to feel pain.  Yes, they will have their own pain, but to feel MINE?  How unfair is that?!?  I have always known that I would not be able to give them the kind of childhood I would have wanted them to have.  Oh sure, I do as much as I humanly can to make sure that their lives are as normal and happy as I possibly can.  ANd you may wish to judge me at this moment, because of so many children out there who are suffering and hurting, and hungry and crying... I KNOW THIS, and that's what makes it even all the more shameful for me to feel this way.  I'm CONSTANTLY saying, "look for the positives... be happy with all that you are blessed with..." when in reality, I'm only trying to drill those same words into my own head.  I swear, someday I will lose it.  I will lose what I have taken for granted all this time.  So why can't I stop my heart from hurting so?

I'm giving no specifics, and you are surely thinking I am a complete nut job and I'm expecting a swift kick in the rear from many of you.  No one is happy all the time... I understand.  And I know that if I started praying a little more regularly, and doing it right, I might find some guidance in Him.  I haven't really put things in His hands lately, the way that I probably should.  And yet, I've been doing it for years, and expecting some sort of answer, when I am quite sure that the answer is right here... here inside of this heart.  I have to search harder.  I must find it.  Before it's too late.

So on that bummer of a note, I bid you all good evening, and hope I haven't discouraged any of you from coming back.  You all know that I do manage to post on not so dreary days....   Hope the sun is shining on all of you over the weekend







redsneakz said...

It saddens me to see others' sadness.  And yes, it's absolutely heartbreaking to see that your kids see through your happy shiny face to the anger and pain and fear in your heart.

More later.  You deserve a better response than this, but it's what I've got right now

bobbysgirl8584 said...

don't know what to say except I am here for you if you need me.  I feel so many of these same things every day of my life.  To know there is so much to be thankful for; but feeling like something is missing.
Remember you are a good Mom to your girls and this is what is most important.
My thoughts are with you and hoping for some better days ahead for you.

firestormkids04 said...

Michelle:  while you are hurting, remember I will be praying.  I will pray when you can't because others have done the same for me.  Kids, because they love us will feel our pain . . . as well as our joy.  Be blessed in the Lord tonight, Penny

am4039 said...

I'm so sorry your hurting the way you are. J-land people are wonderful and very helpful. I know we are all here for you. Hugs.

barbpinion said...

The most difficult times of our life are the very darkest moments, and I can sense that you're in a pretty dark and lonely place right now. Having been there myself I would not dare judge you, and truly doubt anybody reading your journal would. At least I pray for their sake that they don't.
  Opening ourselves up to others is not easy. It took me years to learn how to do it, and still, it does not always come easy. I want you to know that you may write me any time you need a little bit extra TLC. I promise not to judge, but simply to love you as GOD so graciously loves me. It helps to have somebody to open up too, to truly empty ourselves out when necessary. Feelings are not wrong, or right; they simply are. And we all feel as you do from time to time, I think. Honey, God does not always come right when we wish He would, but always comes right on time. He is with you always, caring for you, worrying about you, and loving you; always able to read your heart - always loving you in spite of what He finds there, just as He loves me ...just as He loves us all.
Hugs, and much love,

siennastarr said...

Michelle, you're right, you didn't really give specifics, but that's okay.  You wrote enough about how you're feeling to let us know that you don't feel good about your life, or some aspect of it.  
Why in the world would we turn out backs on you?  Because you aren't forever happy and carefree?  Anyone who says they are, are full of it.  No one is ALWAYS happy, and content.  You have opened up a bit, and to me, that says you are reaching out to us here, just as I have reached out to so many here in Jland.  

You are in my prayers, Michelle...  I will pray that God gives you the peace and underestand that you so crave.  I will pray that your heart be still, and content.  

Prayer always helps me.  I hope it does the same for you..


helmswondermom said...

You may not have put in specifics, but I think most of us can think of our own lives and fill in the blanks with our own personal information and feel empathy with you.  Whatever is going on, sometimes it helps just to say in your journal that you have bad days and that there are things on your mind that you can't always talk about, but you just need a little cyber-hug given on faith, with no details given.  So here's one such hug {{{ hug!!! }}}.