Wednesday, August 15, 2007

From The Mirror

Sometimes, it feels as though my face is melting...  This has physical ramifications of course...  The constant "pull" from my "good side", weighing heavily on my skin, neck and shoulders, causes an almost ceaseless ache in my neck and head.  It's certainly not unbearable..  I am fully aware at how much real pain I could be in, had it been a stroke or God forbid, even worse.  I take Tylenol nightly to help me sleep, and the lubricant that I was prescribed to help soothe and protect my restless eye in the night has enabled me to forego tapping it shut, which was more of a nuisance than anything else. 

I'm finding, as the days go by and I am becoming used to this change in my physical appearance, that it's becoming easier for me to do the every day things, such as eat, drink, speak and so forth.  This helps me to keep the focus on the hope, that slowly but surely, I will return to normal.  I cannot allow myself to think that I might not.

It's the emotional ramifications of such an ordeal that are lasting in my mind...  The thoughts that spring forth that have no business invading my space.  If I didn't already have self esteem issues (which I did ~ many...)  I most definitely have them now. 

Feeling ugly on the outside is very damaging on the inside.  I have never felt attractive physically, especially growing up a chubby, four-eyed, brace-faced kid.  I was always the one not picked to dance and never had more than one or two boyfriends.  I always loved from afar, knowing that if I made an attempt at it, I would be flat out rejected as always.  These thoughts and self doubts followed me, and while I am pretty happy with myself on the inside ~ I do know that I am a good person and on my better days a good mom to my beautiful girls and I pride myself on those things ~ I am an utter wreck on the inside... And this just doesn't help matters any.

It's just hard to go out, you know?  I might not look so completely dreadful, when I'm not talking or smiling, but that's just not me!  When I meet someone on the street, I always smile and say hello.  I am usually very outgoing and eager to chat with the lady behind the cash register, or the waiter who might candidly take our dinner order at Applebee's...  But now, as soon as I open my mouth, I am immediately reminded of how awful I look by my reflection in their eyes.  They smile, and try to be polite, but I can see and feel their thoughts washing over their faces, and I just want to go home and hide in my room until this is all over.

I feel unlovable.  Untouchable.  Unkissable.  Unreachable.


And then I sigh... That long, drawn out sigh, releasing those thoughts and doubts, and allow myself to look far beyond what I feel and what I see at this very moment.  My hopes for the future high and alive, and I vow not to let this bring me down. 

Thank you for allowing me to vent my aches and pains here today.  It is hard for me, to allow myself such a release.  I'm going to bury myself back in my newest read and fly away for a while. 

Wishing you all a peaceful day ~ free from worry, doubts and fears.




radar446 said...

Michelle, you are still a beautiful woman, but I understand exactly what you are saying.  I can see how this can cut right into your soul and hack at your own "normal" insecurities.  I think that there is a large group of people out there (myself included) that will always see themselves as a brace faced, chubby kid regardless of how we grow up.  It will never matter how many times we are told that we have grown out of that awkward stage, we will always see ourselves as that person.  You have had something truly tragic (but you are really doing well to keep it in perspective) happen to your outside self.  Of course, this will have an effect on your inside self, but Michelle, you are doing such a great job of decreasing its negative effects.  I've said it before, and I'll say it again.....Keep a stiff upper lip, by choice, not by affliction.  This too shall pass, and if it doesn't, everything happens for a reason.  That reason will surely become apparent in time.

A are beautiful.


redsneakz said...

I of course see nothing wrong with your face, neither before your medical adventure, nor now.

That said, feeling ugly is not a healthy thing, but only if you let your looks drive your self-esteem.  I do, even now, even at age 43, worry about my looks.  Not at the normal aging stuff, which I think is going well for me, but the continuing skin problems, the overall look that I have...

You have so much more going for you than just being pretty (which I think you are).  I have to tell you that you're probably reflecting your own discomfort about your own looks onto the looks you receive from others.

I pray for your recovery, but I also pray for your own self-acceptance.

pippa1116 said...

I have occasionaly numbness on the right side of my face.  they never were able to tell me why, but I think it had something to do with exposure to light on that side.
That has been upsetting enough, so I am sure that you are having a hard time.  Please know that my thoughts are with you and I pray you get some relief soon.
take care

chat2missie said...

I'm so sorry that your going thru all that your going thru.  I hope they figure out why you are suffering like you are.

barbpinion said...

If only I could reach you. I'd smile at you, so you'd smile back at me, then hug you tight as I could. Having struggled with self-esteem problems all my life I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you. But honey I am  SO glad that even though you have your down times, you realize that you are beautiful. I know it and so do all those who have been reading your journal. Feeling ugly...IS damaging to the inner man, especially, as you say, you've never felt attractive while growing up. I will pray that in time all will be as it once was, that you will totally recover from this. And I'll put you on all my prayer lists too.
Hugging you across the miles..

nhd106 said...

I love what Greg said...and I second his sentiments completely.   The open expression of your self doubt somehow makes you even more beautiful than you already are...

Love you,

am4039 said...

you are a beauitful looking woman. I am so sorry and I feel your pain in your writing. I want to hug you and just tell you how beautiful you are.

ssparkyl1 said...

Michelle  you have have a face of beauty and a heart of gold and i thank God I have you. I really feel that  someday  you will be such a hilight to  someone  besides us.  You and your girls are the never ending  golden  chain that weaves around our happiness and Gob Bless you on this My Mother's and your Nana's 85th Birtyday.  She keeps the golden chain alive!!!!!!

                     Love  Forever Mom

bobbysgirl8584 said...

Hi Michelle: I feel terrible that you have been going thru this and I had no idea. since I have been back from New Hampshire I have been very bad about getting online at all...not to mention how badly neglected my journal alerts have been!!!!
I know a woman who went thru this many years ago and am happy to tell you that she is fine now and if you did not know her would never know what she had been thru. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

queeniemart said...

I understand your feelings....we would all feel as you do BUT if only you knew just how beautiful you are...what a treasure you are to me and many others....i want this ailment to disappear and for you to look in the mirror and feel whole are the complete opposite of ugly or unlovable. I want to hug you and make you believe me!

rdautumnsage said...

I know it's hard to see yourself the same way I do right now. But I see a woman with a beautiful spirit and heart. In the end that's all that really matters. You have more beauty than most could ever hope to acquire in a lifetime. I used to get irked when someone would say I was pretty or beautiful. I would always ask so what do you think of my mind, my heart? For all those sympathy looks, they don't have a clue who you are or anything about you. I get them all the time with my deafness, more often than not quite a few people confuse deaf with dumb. Instead of letting these people get me down, I actually pity them their closed minded ignorance. Here is a sentiment to keep close in the coming days " Beauty fades, the heart remains". You were hit broadside with this hon, give it time it will right itself and this will be a thing of the past. Meanwhile it gives you time to reflect on your heart and what is truly important in life. Keeping you in my prayers on the smoke! Your in my thoughts and heart dear one. (Hugs) Indigo

tendernoggle said...

I am so sorry you are feeling this way... I do know how you feel...because I have felt this way myself many times. Just remember, It is the inner "you" that God loves, that your family loves and your friends love...and they are the ones that really matter.
God bless, love ya,

bgilmore725 said...

Michelle, everyone who commented before me are saying the same words, and I would only be able to repeat them no better than they have already been said. People can't help it when they first see something unusual in another's face... I think it's an automatic reflex. I think most of us have some kind of insecurity left over from childhood.. I have my great share. I would be affected, I am sure, in much the same way as you. You are handling the experience with great strength and courage. You can deal with this, you will get through it, and it won't take as long as you fear. One day you will look back on these days and wonder how you managed to get through it. By the strength and grace of God, of course. Your beauty does not fade or is not twisted because of this. It is only an imagining in your mind. You are already aware of this. What are you reading, BTW? Sorry I haven't been by lately... been busy. Just getting around to all my favorite journals takes some time. Of course, if I didn't leave such lengthy comments, it might not take as long. I am a victim of my thoughts! Have a good weekend. bea

nay0114 said...

You're a beautiful person don't worry about what others think so much. I'm sure everyone that knows you will have no problem with anything that happens to you. Let's just keep the hope that this is temporary and you will regain your strength.
Take care, Chrissie

siennastarr said...

Michelle... I'm sure the effects of the Bell's Palsy will fade with time.  I can only imagine how you must feel, and I do emphathize completely.  You are such an awesome person, and from the few pictures I have seen of you.. you are far too hard on yourself.  I have always thought you were and are such a pretty lady.  Stay strong my sweet friend.  What you are going through is tough.  You've had a lot of crap handed to you this past year, and yet you continue to stay upbeat and positive for the most part.  So what if on occasion you need to vent your fears, your insecurities and your pain.  It's okay.  WE love you...