Sometimes, it feels as though my face is melting... This has physical ramifications of course... The constant "pull" from my "good side", weighing heavily on my skin, neck and shoulders, causes an almost ceaseless ache in my neck and head. It's certainly not unbearable.. I am fully aware at how much real pain I could be in, had it been a stroke or God forbid, even worse. I take Tylenol nightly to help me sleep, and the lubricant that I was prescribed to help soothe and protect my restless eye in the night has enabled me to forego tapping it shut, which was more of a nuisance than anything else.
I'm finding, as the days go by and I am becoming used to this change in my physical appearance, that it's becoming easier for me to do the every day things, such as eat, drink, speak and so forth. This helps me to keep the focus on the hope, that slowly but surely, I will return to normal. I cannot allow myself to think that I might not.
It's the emotional ramifications of such an ordeal that are lasting in my mind... The thoughts that spring forth that have no business invading my space. If I didn't already have self esteem issues (which I did ~ many...) I most definitely have them now.
Feeling ugly on the outside is very damaging on the inside. I have never felt attractive physically, especially growing up a chubby, four-eyed, brace-faced kid. I was always the one not picked to dance and never had more than one or two boyfriends. I always loved from afar, knowing that if I made an attempt at it, I would be flat out rejected as always. These thoughts and self doubts followed me, and while I am pretty happy with myself on the inside ~ I do know that I am a good person and on my better days a good mom to my beautiful girls and I pride myself on those things ~ I am an utter wreck on the inside... And this just doesn't help matters any.
It's just hard to go out, you know? I might not look so completely dreadful, when I'm not talking or smiling, but that's just not me! When I meet someone on the street, I always smile and say hello. I am usually very outgoing and eager to chat with the lady behind the cash register, or the waiter who might candidly take our dinner order at Applebee's... But now, as soon as I open my mouth, I am immediately reminded of how awful I look by my reflection in their eyes. They smile, and try to be polite, but I can see and feel their thoughts washing over their faces, and I just want to go home and hide in my room until this is all over.
I feel unlovable. Untouchable. Unkissable. Unreachable.
And then I sigh... That long, drawn out sigh, releasing those thoughts and doubts, and allow myself to look far beyond what I feel and what I see at this very moment. My hopes for the future high and alive, and I vow not to let this bring me down.
Thank you for allowing me to vent my aches and pains here today. It is hard for me, to allow myself such a release. I'm going to bury myself back in my newest read and fly away for a while.
Wishing you all a peaceful day ~ free from worry, doubts and fears.